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ClearSky4

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How do you deal with circumcision grief? By that I mean feelings of grief due to being a victim of circumcision (especially if you had no say in the matter).

While not everyone who is circumcised experiences these feelings of grief, many circumcised men do because a part of their genitals was taken from them and now they are scarred for life. How might they cope?
 

ClearSky4

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Are you circumcised? and are you grieving? I am cut but very pleased to have been cut at birth. No pain that i can recall and a lovelt cock as a reuult which is much admired here in UK

Yes I am circumcised and yes I am grieving because of it. No pain that I can recall either, but I will always lack foreskin and I'm ashamed of that. I have unnatural looking genitals and I don't know how to cope with that. Any advice for me?
 
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herbho

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Get over it. There is a lot of life to live without grieving over a piece of skin. Seriously, love yourself, and put your energies into something productive so you can accept the fact that you are worth more than a foreskin. If you can't get over it, then get psychological help to allow you be who you were meant to be.
 

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As a man happily circumcised as an adult (no underlying medical issues), I would encourage you to try and learn to love your body as is. I know it is more difficult when you had no say in it, but having experienced it both ways all I can do is assure you that you really are not missing out on much. Sex is as great as it has ever been, sensitivity loss is minimal even 6-7 years down the road and I haven’t really noticed any change since my first couple of months post op, so I doubt my circumcision will have any further impact. Wanking took a bit to get re-used to, but overall it’s just as easy and pleasurable even with a tight cut and no lube once you adjust your technique. Otherwise cock looks smooth and nice, feels cleaner and the wife very much approves of it, having had both circumcised and uncircumcised partners before me. Whatever benefits there are to foreskin, I can assure you they are functionally insignificant, at least in my experience (and unlike most men I can speak from experience).

The internet is full of exaggerated claims and misinformation on both sides of the circumcision debate, which can lead one to feel insecure about their body and this really is a shame. My advice is to not give in to heated debates, unproven claims about the negative impact of circumcision, or exaggerated and baseless statements about how great foreskins are.

Also, over a third of men are circumcised globally and we have been doing it for millennia. There are two things I can infer from this myself:
  1. It can’t possibly be bad in any noticeable way sexually if you look at it from a historical perspective. We have lived in patriarchal societies for most of our existence (not something to be proud of though), and the satisfaction of men and their sexual desires was (and still is in some places) quite high on the agenda. It doesn’t make sense if the same societies had evolved to perform a procedure on their males that would have reduced their ability to enjoy sex. This is much different from FGM where often the intervention is far from the minimally invasive equivalent of removing the prepuce, and involves removing the clitoris head, hinting at men controlling women’s bodies and limiting their ability to enjoy sex. Men removing their foreskins when this may cause harm doesn’t really add up in this context.
  2. There is nothing inherently unnatural about being circumcised. I am not using the strict meaning of the word “unnatural” (otherwise cutting your nails, removing body and face hair, wearing dental braces, piercing ears etc. would also be unnatural), but rather to refer to something which is uncommon, wicked, or bizarre, as I understand you feel ashamed. Since over a billion men globally currently do not have a foreskin, I do not see how that could make a circumcised penis odd or unusual. With perhaps very few exceptions, people have seen a circumcised penis, many have one themselves or have experienced it with sexual partners. Having a circumcised penis is not more unusual than shaving your pubes or getting a tattoo or piercing. Sure, there are regional variances, but even then, it really is no biggie. I live in Scotland where the vast majority of men are not circumcised. For some of the ladies I dated I was their first circumcised partner and it never came as a negative. For some it was nothing new - my wife had seen both types and wasn’t surprised I was cut.

To sum up there is really not much to be rationally stressed about. I concede that not having a say in the matter isn’t great, but we have no say in many a matter, some instances significantly more important, like how your parents treated you, how much they invested in your early education, wellbeing, health etc. I personally don’t think I’d have lost much sleep had they decided to have me done at birth, like some in my family were.

If this still causes you great distress ultimately it might help to seek advice from a psychiatrist. No shame in that and I do hope you will feel better, as deeply worrying about matters outside of our control does us no good.
 

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Okay, so I can actually answer this as someone who experienced a lot of anxiety and what I guess you could call "grief" over being circumcised.

First, realize that your body is perfectly fine the way it is. There are millions of others that are also circumcised living happy and healthy lives. Your own body is beautiful in its own way, even if you wouldn't have made the decision to be circumcised, yourself.

Second, stay the hell away from "intactivist" spaces. They're bad for your mental health. They're nothing but a pity party and honestly remind me a lot of incels (in my opinion). They use loaded language like "mutilate" and refer to their circumcision in terms of sexual violence. They bring out misleading graphics and questionable studies as proof that they were slighted in the worst possible ways. It does nothing but reinforce negative thought patterns. It's not a healthy way to process your feelings.

Thirdly, consider the resiliency of the human brain. Even if you don't have the same hypothetical connections to whatever nerve endings were on your foreskin, your brain would have wired itself around the ones that id did have. People who use sign language to communicate have the same parts of their brain light up when signing as normal people speak. You have no reason not to assume your own brain calibrated itself for the body that you find yourself in.

All this is to say, you have to be kind to yourself. There's so much enjoy in life without worrying about something that is ultimately inconsequential. Don't ignore your feelings, but don't dwell on them either.

I'll agree with Stu though, if you have the means, a therapist may be helpful to work you through your feelings.
 

ClearSky4

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Get over it. There is a lot of life to live without grieving over a piece of skin.

Is it merely a piece of skin though? I've read the foreskin contains the three most erogenous parts of the penis (ridged bands, frenulum, and one other I don't even want to know). Isn't it disturbing that circumcised men can never feel that pleasure and it was taken away from them for the purpose of affecting their sensation? How are they supposed to feel about not being whole (when it comes to their genitals) when most men around the world are whole?
 
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ClearSky4

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All this is to say, you have to be kind to yourself. There's so much enjoy in life without worrying about something that is ultimately inconsequential. Don't ignore your feelings, but don't dwell on them either.

Huh, it doesn't feel inconsequential. Actually it feels like I'm supposed to be ashamed of myself for being this way. Why else would this be done to me?

And actually I do know there's so much more to life than issues such as these and that's actually what's helped me deal with this issue. I'm scared of (and abstain from) sex because then I will have to confront my circumcision. But that's ok, right? Because there's so much more to enjoy in life, right?
 
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ClearSky4

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There is nothing inherently unnatural about being circumcised. I am not using the strict meaning of the word “unnatural” (otherwise cutting your nails, removing body and face hair, wearing dental braces, piercing ears etc. would also be unnatural), but rather to refer to something which is uncommon, wicked, or bizarre, as I understand you feel ashamed. Since over a billion men globally currently do not have a foreskin, I do not see how that could make a circumcised penis odd or unusual. With perhaps very few exceptions, people have seen a circumcised penis, many have one themselves or have experienced it with sexual partners.

I think what I mean when I say my circumcised penis is "unnatural" is that I'm not concerned with the way society perceives the natural vs unnatural penis, but I am concerned with what nature intended a penis to look and function like. So if someone is born with foreskin, that is what nature intended, and if it is taken from from, that is not natural and they cannot enjoy their natural body.
 
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I think what I mean when I say my circumcised penis is "unnatural" is that I'm not concerned with the way society perceives the natural vs unnatural penis, but I am concerned with what nature intended a penis to look and function like. So if someone is born with foreskin, that is what nature intended, and if it is taken from from, that is not natural and they cannot enjoy their natural body.
I feel like you have an over emphasis on the importance of "what nature intended". Nature didn't intend anything. We just "are", there's no specific way to be that we must follow just because. Now, I can sympathize with your feelings of not having a choice, but you'll really just have to get over it. Many reputable studies report those circumcised later in life felt minimal to no sensation lost after it was done. Mind you, just because the foreskin has more nerve endings doesn't mean more pleasure/feeling; you're brain will remap the nerve impulses it yets from your penis and effectively feel the same amount of sensation.

So don't feel ashamed of it for something as trivial as it being "unnatural". There are a lot of unnatural things we do daily that don't really bother us, nor should unless it affects our health (sitting behind screens for long hours, sotting in general for long hours, eating processed foods, wearing shoes, walking on concrete, etc.)
 

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There are stages to grief to work through starting with anger and it does sound like you're still in the anger phase?

as others have said you need to move to acceptance of the situation, which is not your fault and you should feel no shame for it as a result, but part of getting there is about forgiving your parents, understanding what their motives were (one presumes it was done out of love even if naively??) and accepting yourself exactly as you are.

Im sure that no future partner is going to care one way or the other if they love you, they'll love you exactly as you are and you need to be able to accept that love and believe it .
 
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ClearSky4

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as others have said you need to move to acceptance of the situation, which is not your fault and you should feel no shame for it as a result, but part of getting there is about forgiving your parents, understanding what their motives were (one presumes it was done out of love even if naively??) and accepting yourself exactly as you are.

Im sure that no future partner is going to care one way or the other if they love you, they'll love you exactly as you are and you need to be able to accept that love and believe it .

And why should I not feel shame? Just because it wasn't my fault? It doesn't matter if it wasn't my fault. I'm still scarred for life.

And how can you say people won't care? They'll see my scarred genitals and be disgusted by me. And I can't blame them if they think that because what happened to me was disturbing and horrifying.
 
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ClearSky4

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Many reputable studies report those circumcised later in life felt minimal to no sensation lost after it was done. Mind you, just because the foreskin has more nerve endings doesn't mean more pleasure/feeling; you're brain will remap the nerve impulses it yets from your penis and effectively feel the same amount of sensation.

Well that's the first time I've heard that. So if someone cuts off their genitals entirely will the brain still remap the nerve impulses?
 
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And why should I not feel shame? Just because it wasn't my fault? It doesn't matter if it wasn't my fault. I'm still scarred for life.

And how can you say people won't care? They'll see my scarred genitals and be disgusted by me. And I can't blame them if they think that because what happened to me was disturbing and horrifying.

you shouldn't feel shame as it was out of your control.

as for what other people think, they've not lived your life or had your experiences so why would they feel how you feel?

don't put your feelings and how you feel on to others, let them make their own judgments and honestly, if you have got so far with a partner that you're about to have sex, cut or uncut, they've already decided they like you enough to have sex and with what you have.
 

YIIRYBNC

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Huh, it doesn't feel inconsequential. Actually it feels like I'm supposed to be ashamed of myself for being this way. Why else would this be done to me?

And actually I do know there's so much more to life than issues such as these and that's actually what's helped me deal with this issue. I'm scared of (and abstain from) sex because then I will have to confront my circumcision. But that's ok, right? Because there's so much more to enjoy in life, right?

Again, you need to find productive ways to deal with your grief rather than stewing in it. You need to build more confidence about your body and really internalize that. This is how I moved past it. I went from worrying about being a virgin forever because I felt like my body was worthless to the weird little sex goblin with 5 partners and counting.

I'm a little concerned when you mention that you're abstaining from sex over this. You're really only hurting yourself by doing this, and I worry that you're putting way too much emphasis on this aspect of your body.

I won't lie. Sex is scary. Especially the first time. You should definitely wait until you're ready with someone who you genuinely trust. With that said, you have to start putting yourself out there if you ever want to build confidence in yourself. I can't tell you what the best way to do that is. For me, I joined a few group chats where people trade nudes of themselves. We talked about our bodies, what we like to do with them, what we'd like to try. I even brought up that I wasn't comfortable with my circumcision at that point. Surprisingly enough, I was met with positive reinforcement instead of the negativity that I was used to. I found that once I'd broken out of my shell, masturbation became way more enjoyable. It was no longer something that I needed to "confront" when I eventually had sex. It was just part of my own body. It didn't matter to me, nor to my partner. We just enjoyed each other's contact.

As I get older, I'm starting to realize that a lack of confidence has always been my downfall. I've worked through my hang-ups about my penis, my weight, not knowing how to drive stick (not a euphemism), sex, my sexuality, even pee shyness. I have the feeling like you're in a similar place that I was a while ago, and I genuinely want to see you get on the right track. So I'm saying this with earnest intentions, finding a therapist well-versed in anxiety and sexual issues should be the next step (if you have the means).
 

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Being born 1954, in the era of Routine Infant Circumcision ( Post WWII 50s 60s 70s ) I was the odd one out, not being cut. I decided in 1974 for being circ'd.

I have absolutely no regrets and very happy that I had it done. Now circ is being discouraged. The circ decision appears to have come full circle.

My thoughts are to let each boy make that decision for themselves. Not being cut bothered me; however, it may not bother others.

My hang ups were about not being cut. The original post hang up is about being cut. I think being cut will come back full circle, then back to net being cut, etc.
 

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"And how can you say people won't care? They'll see my scarred genitals and be disgusted by me. And I can't blame them if they think that because what happened to me was disturbing and horrifying."

I'm sorry, but I suspect a trolling. Either that or someone who needs psychological help, because the issues are much deeper than a foreskin. But, I'd vote troll.
 

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"And how can you say people won't care? They'll see my scarred genitals and be disgusted by me. And I can't blame them if they think that because what happened to me was disturbing and horrifying."

I'm sorry, but I suspect a trolling. Either that or someone who needs psychological help, because the issues are much deeper than a foreskin. But, I'd vote troll.

I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt and say that this is the way they've managed to rationalize it to themselves.
Having been a reader and a participant in some of the foreskin restoration communities, I can attest that type of self-loathing comes up often.

It's a real shame. The hurt all these people are feeling is real, even if it's not rational. I thanks the gods that I managed to work past that mindset.
 
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I'm sorry, but I suspect a trolling. Either that or someone who needs psychological help, because the issues are much deeper than a foreskin. But, I'd vote troll.

That’s exactly what it is. The clown has an anime pic as his avatar…classic intactivist troll. The fact is that ClearSky4 is ashamed of his foreskin and is overcompensating. He should just man up and get the circumcision he wants but is too cowardly to go through with.
 
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