How do you deal with difficult family members?

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by WessexEN, Nov 23, 2006.

  1. WessexEN

    WessexEN New Member

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    This isn't the best place, I know, but I need some advice here, as I find it extremely difficult sometimes to deal with my own family. Remember, this is all form my viewpoint, no one elses.

    The problem is this. I have a family that they claim I spend to much on the computer, they don't bother looking at what I do on the computer, they don't bother thinking about (or so it seems) what I do in my life style and I don't know how do describe myself, even though I am fustrated as hell at the moment. The thing is, I am very negative, so ofcourse, I am going to say nasty words about myself.

    Basically, my family would probably say I am manipultive, a pain in the arse, an abuser, self centred and unstable (stressy), even though in other high pressure enviroments, people would probably think otherwise.


    My sister is one of those girls I find it very difficult to get on with, rather like Aluminium with Iron. When it goes wrong, it goes wrong big time.
    This is how I see her, she annoys me a lot of the time, I get angry about a lot of things, because I am always repeating myself and its just annoys me to repeat myself. I never had a phone in my room and because we have a house exchange system, put in by my father, which I found a waste of time, he expects to call people down, by pressing a button on the phone. If he wants to call me down, it would be from the bottom of hte stairs, "RUSSSSSSEL!!!!!", if I don't respond, he will yell my name again, then shout to the top of his voice. Everytime that happens, I have to ask "why the fuck can't you come upstairs, knock on my door and call me down for dinner?", so far, I haven't had a reasonable response.
    My sister is exactly the same, except she calls me down, in the same manner when she wants her or my mums computer fixing or for anything else. Usually when I am in the middle of something too, which is EVEN more annoying. 3D graphical work or researching on the net, or mindless looking on the net, or even writing a thread like this, which requires a high degree of concerntration. My usual response is one minute. Oh wait, I get yelled at 10 seconds later, because it is "THAT" urgent! They expect me to attend to their needs instantly. And what about if they want me todo something simple? Oh no, thats URGENT as well, that comes at the top of my pile, it has to because they say so. What about homework? No, no, thats right down the bottom of the pile, so if I am doing homework, that right at the bottom of the pile, I am not allowed to finish it!
    What about if I don't respond? Well, I get a load of knocking noise from right under the floor. So I can't escape it. Ofcourse, I can't say anything about my sister using the TV 24/7, watching pop music, then not let anyone else use it, then pumping up the volumme that one day, we'll get an ASBO for having the volumne up too load.

    Added to that, if she is in a heated argument, if she wants to get her own way, it is usually "kick her brother (me)" time, or punch me. However, the last time she did that, she almost broke her toe. Its quite difficult when you have learnt karate and also told to defend yourself, as in this family, you can't. Women are allowed to kick, men aren't, even if the woman starts the fight. So basically, I am stripped from all defense abilities, as I get into the shit if I try.

    And then, if I don't do something, like her bed, I tend to get name called and "sent to coventry", which is really annoying, especailly when you try to get an answer out of them. One time, I was asked to make my sisters bed, I was talking to a friend on skype, so she says "Russell, could you make my bed for me?"
    "no"
    "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"
    "no"
    "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"
    "no"
    "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!"
    Therefore, doing that, she opens herself up to a lot of stick, which she doesn't like. although, she won't accept it was her own wrong doing.

    Finally, she is that lazy, she always has to ask me to get her something, usualy a combanation of the above to get me motivated, even if its on the table, she wont get it, even when I say "do it yourself", she wont and again, I get a load of name calling, abuse, etc.


    So, I got an uncontollerable sister that doesn't say no, is idle, goes to college 3 days a week, drinks a lot, etc. I'll explain more. My parents are useless when it comes to this (I feel). Firstly, they won't interviene, if we are fighting, usually, dogs get upset. Secondly, even if we tell them of each others wrong doing, she gets results, I don't.
    Basically, my fathers as useful as 2 tits in the sky and my mother is as useful as a sleeping doll. (I.e. Sleeps a lot, on the sofa usually.) And she is always complaing about being a till operatior and how draining the work is.


    This is the same person, that wait for it:
    Expects to go out drinking every other day
    Expects a lot of JD and coke. (bearing in mind, I don't drink).
    Expects to have £200 rock and repulic jeans to go to every party, then buy another pair for another party, equally expensive fashion top and Stelletos, all paid for by my father. And hang around with friends that are far less well off as her.
    Expects her dad to ferry her everywhere, because she can't be bothered to use public transport (even though she has to go to college on a bus an train, she wont use the bus outside of college).
    Expects her dad to pay out for her driving licence, lessons and tests.
    And a brand new car.
    And god knows what else.
    and she hasn't got a job, nor do anything voluntary. Whereas, I do a 6 day a week voluntary work in a shop and have done for the past 2 years, just so I can get a part time job and afford my own things. Its not working as well. But with my disability, I am shamefully claiming Disbility Living Allowance, which I feel gulty of claiming, which I feel shameful of mentioning it.

    One day, I do feel I might end up committing suicide as I just cannot cope when things go wrong as there seems to be no fairness, I can't move out as I don't earn enough to rent out and live on my own, I haven't got another place to go thats out of everyones way, so I am trapped.




    (And don't say we are rich, we aren't!)




    Suggestions? Mods, please do delete the post if it is inappropiate.




    EDIT: For gods sakes, don't tell me to drink (I refuse to drink alcohol), don't tell me to take drungs (ditto with drink), don't tell me to get laid (I don't have a girlfriend) and don't tell me to get a girlfriend (Why bother? If I am that "unlivible" with my own family.). Oh, dont tell me to get a life (I don't have one anyway, its been robbed by someone else)
     
  2. Sklar

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    Why not move out?

    The best thing I found about annoying family members is that if you don't live with them, they aren't as annoying.

    Try to move to the opposite side of town, too. That way, they can't just say they were in the neighborhood.

    If money is an issue, find a place that is looking for a room mate.
     
  3. B_dxjnorto

    B_dxjnorto New Member

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    Having someone call my name is annoying to me to. The gals at work do this. (Call my name from the next room). This is my signal that I am supposed to walk to where they are and ask them, "what?"

    I never do this to people.
     
  4. WessexEN

    WessexEN New Member

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    Nor do I, Yelling is annoying, because it shows they can't even be bothered to show some courtesty to even just see you in your room. I am a lot calmer atm, but I still barricaded myself in my room, which, now I have a bigger room and a lock on the door, its easier to do. Before, if I wanted to hide, I suffered a distinct lack of door lock.
     
  5. Riven650

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    You might have to have someone come in to help you do certain things, but you could manage in a flat share, couldn't you? Maybe you don't HAVE to live at home with your family. What are your alternatives?
     
  6. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

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    Kill them all. Put your father's head on a pike and set it by the front gate as a warning.

    Freeze the bodies and cut them up with a chainsaw. Park a log chipper by the river. Use log chipper to grind up the pieces and eject them into the current.

    Problem solved.
     
  7. SpeedoGuy

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    Same here.

    I just ignore such demands until the requester comes to me, faces me, speaks respectfully and clearly requests what it is they want. Then I decide how to respond.
     
  8. chico8

    chico8 New Member

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    Any chance of finding a husband for your sister so she'll leave home? If not then you need to find the solution. Your parents certainly won't. All I can say is you need to find your own place no matter how painful or expensive that is. There's really no alternative.
     
  9. WessexEN

    WessexEN New Member

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    Oh, I had one of those today, tried to get out the door in time for my train and....
    "RUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSELLLL! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE NOW!".
    (oh christ, whats wrong now?)
    "Don't tell us you haven't got time, because if you are going to Eastleigh, then you have!" (Oh great, how long is this going to take? My train leaves in 10 sodding minutes!).
     
  10. Chrysalis

    Chrysalis New Member

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    I agree with the suggestions that you move out, even if it requires making some compromises. It sounds like just about anything would be better than what you're dealing with now.

    When I left home at 18, I was amazed at the almost immediate difference in my interactions with my family. Just getting out of the "trap" and into your own world can give you a lot of perspective, and relief.
     
  11. D_Sheffield Thongbynder

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    Somewhere between these is a solution.:cool:
     
  12. NCbear

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    Oh Jesus YES. Went off to college two hours away from "home," which was a dysfunctional mess full of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. LOTS of each.

    [College being two hours away was a calculated distance. Two hours at was too long for the parents to drive without calling first.]

    Being back in my parents' house (NOT "home") was absolute hell during the summers and breaks, so getting completely out of the state for graduate school was the answer there. Being ten hours away was even better than two hours away.

    Nothing like having your own place, too. Took some sacrifices, but was in a place where rent was cheap and apartments were reasonably sized. It can be done.

    Get out of there, man, however you can do it. College or a job. Even roommates won't (generally) be as bad as a truly terrible family situation. Then, "home" can be where YOU are, and YOU can make it what you want and need.

    Good luck,

    NCbear
     
  13. Lex

    Lex
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    I echo NCbear's sentiments. I have distance from all my immediate family (most don't even know how to get to my house). Being able to have your own HOME puts you in a position ot not be party to their abuse.

    My grandmother used to say "It's a sorry rat that has only one hole to run to."

    I say move and get some breathing room.

    Good Luck.
     
  14. Rubenesque

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    Like they say, you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.

    Most of mine are great, but the one that really counts in a kids life, my mother - totally vile!!

    We haven't got on since I was 15 and she dumped husband number 3 for a drunk, wife beating, gobshite.

    I moved out. But I was fortunate, I had my grandparents to move in with. That's a thought - Grandparents??

    Anyway, I sincerely hope you get it sorted out. But remember, it's always easier to see other peoples faults than your own. And while you'd like to think that you're a saint, you probably aren't. But then, who is?
     
  15. BigA

    BigA New Member

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    I don't know if anyone actually read his post, but he clearly says he can't afford to move out. lol. So unless he knows someone who can take him in for free, then it's not an option. Kind of like the situation (hole) i'm in.
     
  16. WessexEN

    WessexEN New Member

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    Denise, I always have a problem with myself. I confess I am extremely negative, but the problem with my family, is their resillient to change. Ok, I can be annoying, but I dont intend to do half the things my sister did.

    Agreeibly, a flat of my own, distanced from my family with the only contact via skype. (Oh yess, my father over in Chichester, 2 miles away from him, only regular contact is on skype, far easier to control!).
    Distancing is a good idea, I would love to distance myself, I would have my own "graphics workshop" to run to, if I could afford a small box in another space. (office wise).

    But, my own flat, my own place, I would love it. I wish. Oh well, if I get a job on the buses (please!), that dream maybe a reality.



    EDIT: its quite hysterically funny today, I was up in my own room, quietly trying to flatten my laptops battery so I could recharge it again (new laptop, battery needs calibrating), so, I was playing GTA VC and had my headphones on (loud) and my sister got very stressed very quickly, she didn't like me after that. Although she saw the funny side, I was hysterical about it. Banging, screaming, shouting, etc.
     
  17. BigA

    BigA New Member

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    that's quite the life you lead, Wessex
     
  18. WessexEN

    WessexEN New Member

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    Aparently not BigA, according to my family members, they don't know half the story of my life, nor do they want to know. It seems like that they come first, I come last. I got more agro from my father as I came in the door, about 10 minutes before I wrote this message:
    "Why don't you answer your bloody phone?"
    "Cos I don't have it on me".
    "I've been trying to contact you, what ticket do you need?" (in an aggressive mood).
    "I need my travelcard renewed as it runs out in 2 days".
    Until..
    "Well, you can email me at college"
    "I don't have any email when I am away you pratt!"
    (oh great, I am FORCED to be chained to a mobile for no aparent reason for 24/7/365/60 and remember to charge it up? The mobile phone is very low down on my priorities list.).


    Basically, with my father, if its a convience, he will use it, if its an inconvience, it will get quite angry (very sad). He also only sees the black and white points, no inbetween or flexiblity. How do you deal with that sort of charictor? Oh and he is very stubbon to changes.
     
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