How do you define being gay?

[chi-townboy]

Hey everyone, this is my first post here. I stumbled upon this site from a simple google search.

Anyway, I have a serious question for anyone who can maturely answer. I'm a college kid and I've always thought that I was totally straight. I've never had a girlfriend, though, but do have several friends who are girls that I like. However, I do have a sort of curiosity about other guys' penises. Sometimes I wonder how big someone else is, or wonder how their penis looks like compared to mine. I DO find an erect penis sort of a turn on, but at the same time, a beautiful woman to me is the best sight in the world. However, I would never dream of (nor do I have the slightest desire of) having sex with another guy or ever doing anything totally gay like that.

This is a basic description of what I find sexually attractive. Does this make me gay, or am I still straight? Or am I bisexual? Or none of the above? In a nutshell, a woman is the only person who I would ever engage in sexual activity with, but the sight of a penis is still a turn on. Hence, what am I?

Sorry for nearly writing a book, but I really want to hear some of your opinions. Thanks for your help!

 

[amhersthungboi]

In the end, I think being gay is thinking that you're gay. Unfortunately, contrary to "Drawn Together" there is no gay test, or any scoring procedure to figure it out. Your label for your sexual orientation is ultimately the one you believe best suits YOU, and no one else can tell you otherwise. That said, the label you chose doesn't change who you are as a person, or the type and direction of your attractions, it is simply a one-word descriptor you use to relate a small part of yourself. You are not your sexual orientation, and your sexual orientation is not you.

In my own process of coming to use the word "gay" for my attractions, I realized that, for me, I had a great deal of romantic and sexual attractions to men, and the thought of kissing a man romantically seemed "right". Of course, actually admitting I had these attractions took me about a year, as I had to overcome my own internalized homophobia. So, I came out as "bi."

Then I had my first sexual experience with a guy (see another post I wrote about embarassing sexual experiences). Despite it turning out to be a fiasco, I realized that being with a man just seemed entirely right, and the idea of being with a woman seemed foriegn and, in my head, incongruent with who I was. So, I came to adopt the word gay for myself. Nothing had changed beyond my self-knowledge and self-description.

Whatever you end up believing you are -- straight, gay, bi, good luck to you. I hope you find happiness in whatever you accept as your reality.

 

[GoneA]

or ever doing anything totally gay like that.

careful.

Sorry for nearly writing a book, but I really want to hear some of your opinions. Thanks for your help!

i don't thing there is a hard and fast answer to your very broad question. honestly, i think it's nearly impossible to place a label upon something as versatile and expansive, if you will, as sexuality. my opinion: go with the flow. in whatever direction(s) your sexual emotions pull you, follow them.

you're young and you're going to undergo a lot more changes where this (and other things) are concerned. dare to explore.

 

[Matthew]

Here's some interesting reading for you, Chi-Town Boy.

http://www.lpsg.org/showthread.php?t=20972

 

[FBAnder]

this one is gonna definitely require a tinfoil hat...

Ultimately, I believe a person defines their sexual orientation for themselves. In the back of their head I believe everyone truly knows if they prefer the same or opposite sex. A lot goes into that conclusion however. Sexual orientation isn't just about sex or being sexually aroused by someone of the same gender. There are other, more important emotions like love, passion, etc. that you need to throw into the equation. It is one thing to be sexually aroused by someone of the same sex and another to feel that you could ultimately LOVE and be together with that person.

 

[regularguy]

I think a lot of guys find penises exciting that are otherwise totally straight. Let's face it, us guys are sometimes more obsessed with dicks than women are. Dicks are awesome, and sometimes you have to have one to appreciate them.

 

[regularguy]

Plus, unfortunately, straight guys in certain areas of the country are NEVER allowed to have much physical contact with each other or they get called "queer" by their homophobic friends. SOME physical contact ought to be okay. When you're denied that, the energy has to go somewhere.

 

[spl98006]

Yeah, chi-town, that pretty much describes me when I was 20.

Then I got into my first sexual relationship, with a woman, when I was 21. Had a few more after that one. Enjoyed them immensely, even fell deeply in love with one of my girlfriends.

Now, when I was 16, I had started to suspect that I might be attracted to guys. Actually, what I had noticed was that I love watching straight porn, but only if the men in the videos are hot. (This continues to be true today.) Unlike you, I didn't have a cock-specific fetish; it was more of an overall face/body/personality attraction. And I wasn't, at that point, fantasizing about having sex with men myself; I was more fantasizing about good-looking guys, with nice bodies and big cocks that could shoot a mile, having sex with their girlfriends or jacking off in their dorm room or some other secluded spot.

When I was in my mid 20s, I realized that my attraction to good-looking guys wasn't going away. Finally, one day when I was 27, I realized I had a crush on a male coworker, and that was what made me start thinking of myself as bi.

But even after that, it still took me several months to work up to the point where I could see myself dating another guy or having sex with another guy. Watching some gay porn definitely helped, as far as letting me see what it really looks like when two guys have sex, and making me realize I wasn't grossed out by it. That might be something you want to try yourself - you've got a lot more access to gay porn on the internet than I did back then, so you won't have to go through the nervousness of bringing that first gay videotape up to the counter. (The clerk didn't even look at it, just scanned it and tossed my money in the drawer while continuing her conversation with her husband. Ah the joys of immigrant-owned mom-&-pop video stores! That was up in Palatine where 53 spills into Lake Cook Rd, btw - wonder if that store is still there...)

Oh, you didn't say what school you attend, but if it's Northwestern, beware of professor J. Michael Bailey. His "theories" on bisexuality (like the fact that it doesn't truly exist, at least not in men... funny how he is perfectly willing to accept it in women!) are utter and complete bullshit. I and several others on this board can attest to that from our own personal experiences. Read some of the old threads here - there seemed to be a lot of discussion about this back in October or November; just look up my old posts.

 

[bigdude]

here's my 2 cents: I am totally straight because I, just as you do, find women to be very attractive...I couldn't imagine having sex with a guy because they don't turn me on. When I see an attractive female, my dick gets hard but when i see an attractive male, it doesn't- simple as that for me. Yes, penises are still intriguing to me, and I might wonder from time to time what another guy is packing/what it looks like/how big it is/etc. This kind of curiousity doesn't make me gay, it's natural and, in a way, a competative male thing that follows along the lines of "survival of the fittest." Now I work out, so I'm a big guy, fairly cut, and very muscular...when I go to the gym, yea I check out other guys' physiques and admire their strong points. This helps me to set goals in the gym for myself, because I want to have that same kind of appeal that they've worked so hard for. This doesn't make me gay at all either. If you don't workout and don't have an appreciation for the human body in general, you wouldn't understand I don't think. If you were gay, or even bi, I really think you'd have a strong(er) desire for men sexually, which you said just isn't there. And for my description of gay or bisexual, that just doesn't add up

 

[Pappy]

Why not call yourself a sexual being?? Just because you are curious about other guys penises, that does not make you gay. I think to be referred to as gay you need to want to have sex only with men. Just my .02.

 

[Mighty Joe]

Answer these to see if you might be gay.

When double dating with Tom, do you find youself thinking more of spending the night with him after taking the girls home?

When attending a football game do you look at the players asses rather than the tits on the cheerleaders?

When shopping for clothes and in the underwear section, do you enjoy looking at the pictures of the models on the package.

Do you find yourself going in the dressing room/locker room at the public pool
more often in hopes of seeing some dude nude?

When getting the Sunday newspaper you immediately go to the entertainment section rather than the sports?

Does your VHS/DVD library have more musical titles than dramas?

Do you ever walk behind a guy in the mall or on the street and wonder if he is boxers or briefs?

Do you know all the lyrics to "Hello Dolly" or "Mame"?

If so, you're probably normally gay.

 

[10.5andproudofit]

idk dude i'd say you were curious more then gay. IMHO gay is something your either born with or not, it may take you a while to realize it,but when you know, there is no doubt

 

[B_horribleperson]

if you think your gay then your gay. if you take it up the ass and love sucking dick but think your str8 then your str8. its whatever you want to call yourself.

 

[Big Don]

In a nutshell, a woman is the only person who I would ever engage in sexual activity with

That should give your answer. But, I know what you're going through, as do many people on this board evidently. It sounds to me like you're a perfectly normal 20 year-old male.

As has been answered before, you are what you think you are.

 

[D_Martin van Burden]

You might be gay if...

• Your sexual fantasies and pornographic interests consist exclusively of the same gender.
• Your romantic and relationship interests consist exclusively of the same gender.
• You are sexually attracted to and desirous of the body of the same gender, and sexually unattracted and disinterested in the body of the opposite gender.
• Interests cited above are persistent and enduring over time and also a predominant pattern of activity.
• Homosexuality is a welcomed, appreciated part of your self-identity.

You might be bisexual if...

• Your sexual fantasies and pornographic interests consist of either gender.
• Your romantic and relationship interests consist of either gender.
• You are sexually attracted to and desirous of the bodies of gender.
• Interests cited above are persistent and enduring over time and also a predominant pattern of activity.
• Bisexuality is a welcomed, appreciated part of your self-identity.
• As bisexuality consists of interests to both gender, "percentages" of interest are ambiguous at best and seem arbitrary to most parties other than the person in question. Furthermore, percentages of interest may not be valid or reliable measures.

These "definitive" categories are not to be confused with the following situations.

• Sexuality is not better defined by isolated incidents. For example, if you are predominately heterosexual but have had ("ever") slept with or had sex with someone of the same gender, the isolated incidents may not change your sexual orientation.
• Sexuality is not better defined in a mode of experimentation. Precisely befitting the nature of experimentation, this explains a process of sexual reconcilation and enjoyment in which the person gains greater insight into what turns them on and their subjective measures of pleasure. As such, it is a process that must undergo involvement and possible completion before a sexual orientation can be cemented.
• Sexuality is not better defined as a sudden relevation. This is not to be confused with the coming-out process in which the individual releases significant emotional and psychological burden in finally coming to terms with one's (usual) nonheterosexuality. Rather, sexual orientation simply doesn't flip in the midst of one subjectively satisfying sexual encounter. In such instances, sexuality might have been better indicated with a honest retrospective analysis of former interests, flings, relationships, sources of arousal, etc.
• Sexuality is not better prescribed as an observation from other people. Despite socialization factors and media observation and participation which may influence sexual meanings, gestures, arousal interests, etc., sexuality is ultimately a personal construct to be best dictated by the individual.

And, so that I may not sound like a totally scientific dildo...

These categories aren't nearly enough for a fair analysis. I might have hit the high points -- essentially what you think about in masturbation, what you fantasize about, whom you fantasize about, who you'd like to have a relationship with, and "getting drunk and getting sucked off doesn't count."

And there's no veritable end to the amount of external factors. Where you grow up, who you associate with, and how you hear and learn about sex, repression and disinhibition...

My point is, I think you have to be at least 40 before you can finally take on a sexual orientation unless you're just absolutely, certainly sure sooner than that. It took me a long time and I traveled a very long, winding path before I got back to heterosexuality. And even now, I'm just kinda idling -- not for want of female companionship, but because I can't live on tips forever, you see. So, the twenties were pretty wild. I wonder what the thirties have in store for me.

 

[invisibleman]

I think that whatever sexual orientation one may have: You should really KNOW who you want. If not, have sex with some women and some men to find out. Then, ask yourself if you would like to try that again. What did you gain from the sexual sessions? Personally, I did a lot of research. I knew earlier on that I wasn't into women. Sexually, I wasn't attracted to any of the women in high school or college. I really didn't get along with any women socially. Men, I didn't get along socially either. Around certain ones I was so enamored. It was like I had a schoolgirl crush mixed up with boiling hot lust. (Thank God, I wasn't allowed to take PE in high school. That would've really have been fucked up for me erection-wise.) Even though there were some men I was attracted to in high school but personality-wise ( at times, their learned male gender roles) made me not be attracted to them. It made me not like these guys. When I found some really likable guys in college I was able to sleep with. I was like "WOW! I think that I would like to pursue some more. Hehehehe." You know you're gay when you can put up with homophobic issues just to get your freak on. You know that tomorrow you still want men. That's when you know you're gay. You know you are gay when you wake up in the morning wanting men. You'll go through any manner of trials and tribulations for a guy. You're gay.
You have to be able to be relatable and have intrinsic affinity with the gender you are attracted to. If you like men and women sexually and are able to relate and have affinity towards both genders you are bi. If you relate and have an affinity for the opposing gender sexually and mentally of what you are, then you are "straight" or hetero.
In order to explore gay sides, you will have to address your own internal homophobia issues and properly deal with them. Then you will be free to try things. Homophobia doesn't ever go away--just like any other prejudice. The only thing keeping you from yourself is at times--you.

 

[Freddie53]

You might be gay if...

• Your sexual fantasies and pornographic interests consist exclusively of the same gender.
• Your romantic and relationship interests consist exclusively of the same gender.
• You are sexually attracted to and desirous of the body of the same gender, and sexually unattracted and disinterested in the body of the opposite gender.
• Interests cited above are persistent and enduring over time and also a predominant pattern of activity.
• Homosexuality is a welcomed, appreciated part of your self-identity.

You might be bisexual if...

• Your sexual fantasies and pornographic interests consist of either gender.
• Your romantic and relationship interests consist of either gender.
• You are sexually attracted to and desirous of the bodies of gender.
• Interests cited above are persistent and enduring over time and also a predominant pattern of activity.
• Bisexuality is a welcomed, appreciated part of your self-identity.
• As bisexuality consists of interests to both gender, "percentages" of interest are ambiguous at best and seem arbitrary to most parties other than the person in question. Furthermore, percentages of interest may not be valid or reliable measures.

These "definitive" categories are not to be confused with the following situations.

• Sexuality is not better defined by isolated incidents. For example, if you are predominately heterosexual but have had ("ever") slept with or had sex with someone of the same gender, the isolated incidents may not change your sexual orientation.
• Sexuality is not better defined in a mode of experimentation. Precisely befitting the nature of experimentation, this explains a process of sexual reconcilation and enjoyment in which the person gains greater insight into what turns them on and their subjective measures of pleasure. As such, it is a process that must undergo involvement and possible completion before a sexual orientation can be cemented.
• Sexuality is not better defined as a sudden relevation. This is not to be confused with the coming-out process in which the individual releases significant emotional and psychological burden in finally coming to terms with one's (usual) nonheterosexuality. Rather, sexual orientation simply doesn't flip in the midst of one subjectively satisfying sexual encounter. In such instances, sexuality might have been better indicated with a honest retrospective analysis of former interests, flings, relationships, sources of arousal, etc.
• Sexuality is not better prescribed as an observation from other people. Despite socialization factors and media observation and participation which may influence sexual meanings, gestures, arousal interests, etc., sexuality is ultimately a personal construct to be best dictated by the individual.

And, so that I may not sound like a totally scientific dildo...

These categories aren't nearly enough for a fair analysis. I might have hit the high points -- essentially what you think about in masturbation, what you fantasize about, whom you fantasize about, who you'd like to have a relationship with, and "getting drunk and getting sucked off doesn't count."

And there's no veritable end to the amount of external factors. Where you grow up, who you associate with, and how you hear and learn about sex, repression and disinhibition...

My point is, I think you have to be at least 40 before you can finally take on a sexual orientation unless you're just absolutely, certainly sure sooner than that. It took me a long time and I traveled a very long, winding path before I got back to heterosexuality. And even now, I'm just kinda idling -- not for want of female companionship, but because I can't live on tips forever, you see. So, the twenties were pretty wild. I wonder what the thirties have in store for me.

Excellent post. I'm not sure I agree with the age 40 bit though. I wouldn't but a specific age at all. Some guys know beyond a shaddow of a doubt early. Some it might be later than 40.

Orientation and sexual activities aren't the same thing. I subscribe to the model that says some are 100 percent gay others are 100 straight and some and in varying degrees inbetween and are to some extend bi. Bi's have the ability to change oreintation preference. Those that are 100 percent straight or gay aren't likely to.

A man may prefer a woman for romantic relationships and still enjoy having sex with another man. I guess that is some sort of bisexual.

And young boys just are haivng fun. They aren't "in love" at ages 12- to 16 like an adult would be. They are doing what feels good with who ever is available at the time. That doesn't say anything about thier sexual orientation at that age. And no straight guy should worry about sexaul activities with guys like circle jerks and even blow jobs, ass fucking as meaning they aren't straight. Those thigns have little to do with orientation.

The bottom line is which gender do you really get turned on by the most and want to develp a long term relationship with someone of that gender. That tells you whether you lean toward being gay or straight. And as Dee said that leaning can change over the years especially for the bi guys.

 

[B_Spladle]

This is a basic description of what I find sexually attractive. Does this make me gay, or am I still straight? Or am I bisexual? Or none of the above? In a nutshell, a woman is the only person who I would ever engage in sexual activity with, but the sight of a penis is still a turn on. Hence, what am I?

I dunno, I'm still struggling a bit with this myself, actually. Your situation sounds a fair bit like my situation, FWIW.

 

[davidjh7]

I dunno, I'm still struggling a bit with this myself, actually. Your situation sounds a fair bit like my situation, FWIW.

I struggled with this quetion for way too much of my life. Here is what I have concluded:
Your sexuality has far more to do with who you want to pick out furniture with, than who or how you have sex. Having sex makes you sexual. Your sexuality is more about emotional fullfillment. Who do you dream about? Who do you want to have a relationship with? who do you want to spend lots of time, in and out of the bedroom with? If the answer is clearly a woamn, but you like dick now and then, you are straight, but have some same sex turnons. If it is a guy, but you still like to have sex with a girl now and then, you are mainly gay, but like the variety and enjoyment of a woman. If you can see yourself with either in that role, you are a fairly in the middle BI, and who you have a relationship will depend on the person as a whole, and not what they do or don;t have between their legs, or what you can or can;t do with it. That's my opinion, and I'm sticking to it

 

[Rikter8]

I try to stay away from Labels. Really whats the point of them anyway?

I Myself still struggle of definition.

Obviously we all know Gay men come in all shapes forms sizes and masculinity.
I am more "Butch" as I like my cars, engines, racing, Construction, and not afraid to tackle any project.
I can spin circles around many straight men when it comes to popping the hood and getting the vehicle back on the road.

I like the company of men physically, sexually, and emotionally.

Women for me, are an emotional support, and friendship.
I cant comment on physical or sexual as I have never had the opportunity to be with a woman. I know that I feel pretty good if I am in the company of good looking Ladies.
If I see a pretty woman, I will compliment her. (Even if they do think im a frog)

Just go with the flow and be you. Steer clear of wanting to fit into some Category.
Everybody's Unique.
C