How Do You Feel About A Friend Complimenting Your Partner?

Mittimer

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Hey ladies,
Since there's only a small number of you I talk to privately, I figured I'd ask openly.

Recently I had an issue with my friend and his ex. The friend and I have known each other for nearly 20 years and have no romantic connection at all.

In the time my friend and his partner were dating, I made a comment referring to him as handsome in his IG, liked a few photos and when we called himself fat, I simply said "Nah, you're not. You're good babe."

I learned after the fact (and after some incredibly childish, insecure and jealousy laced messages from his ex) that these were deemed inappropriate in her eyes.

Things are fine now between she and I. The friend and I not so much. As this was something that should have been conveyed to me.

Anyone that knows me, knows that by me calling someone hun/sweetie/babe etc, it's not at all sexual. I use those named for 95% of my friends and family as do my friends use them for me. I think I have privately dropped "hun" on at least a few ladies here in a passive manner.

What all this long ass rambling is essentially asking, is, am I the asshole? I apologized to his ex as were this actually brought to my attention as an issue, I would have been more than accommodating and changed my mannerisms so as not to make her uncomfortable.

Do the partnered ladies here find issue if a female friend of your other half compliment them or casually use affectionate names?

I know a lot of her issue stems from severe trust issues and insecurity, and she was fine once we spoke, but it doesn't negate that it was an issue to begin with. Do you think I should change how I speak?

This was enough adolescent drama for a lifetime for me. I'm too damn old for it. :(
 
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You do you. You know your intent. If your friend has issue with it, respect your friend and stop. If your friend's partner has issue with how you talk to a friend of 20 years, that's their issue... but probably not for long because hot mess express is leaving the station.
 

MickeyLee

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I trust the boy and trust my friends. We collectively value each other way too much to ruin our bubble of awesome and chill.

Even if a friend had some hubba-hubba feels for the boy I think all would be okay if that person was up front about it. Cuz as above I trust the people in my life. And feelings can't be helped. Only how a person acts on feelings.
 

Mittimer

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He is your friend. She was dating him. That does not nullify your relationship with him.
would you have said the same to a female friend?
Then you meant nothing by it, and it’s her issue.

Now, working it out with him? Good luck.
I do not change my vernacular based on gender. I call more women babe/hun than I do men. He is my friend, but he also did not bring up an issue that had I known, I could have easily fixed. In not doing so, he caused a very, very insecure woman to call me a whore, a slut among other things. Message me threats and tattle to my husband @Mr_Mitt that his wife was trying to get on her man's dick.

The drama that so, so easily could have been avoided had he spoken to me as she had requested lays on his shoulders. I am understandably angry at his inaction over the time span of a year.

I grasp that it's her issue and theirs together to deal with. I do however value the comfort of partners though and wouldn't want to unnecessarily cause her discomfort as this is something I very easily could have avoided.

I was mainly curious if maybe I'm doing something wrong, or if I should simply accept that this was an issue on her part.

I value the responses you ladies have given me. Thank you ♥️
 
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nailz

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I'm not the jealous type, so it wouldn't have bothered me at all.
You didn't do anything "wrong", and in a healthy relationship (if it even came up at all) all someone would have to say is "Oh, yeah that's my friend xxxxxx I've known for 20 years, there's nothing going on between us" and that would be the end of it.

Unfortunately most people aren't like that and the majority of them have deep-seated jealousy issues. FB and IG seem to amplify that and bring out the absolute worst in them : unamused:

Personally I'd have toned it down a little knowing how dramatic people can be :rolleyes:
Sure some people will say "just be you and fuck everyone else", but I'd rather avoid unnecessary drama if I can. Commenting on someone's pics calling them handsome, babe, etc while they're in a relationship is just setting yourself for a whole lot of potential drama :p
 
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Scarletbegonia

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I do not change my vernacular based on gender. I call more women babe/hun than I do men. He is my friend, but he also did not bring up an issue that had I known, I could have easily fixed. In not doing so, he caused a very, very insecure woman to call me a whore, a slut among other things. Message me threats and tattle to my husband @Mr_Mitt that his wife was trying to get on her man's dick.

The drama that so, so easily could have been avoided had he spoken to me as she had requested lays on his shoulders. I am understandably angry at his inaction over the time span of a year.

I grasp that it's her issue and theirs together to deal with. I do however value the comfort of partners though and wouldn't want to unnecessarily cause her discomfort as this is something I very easily could have avoided.

I was mainly curious if maybe I'm doing something wrong, or if I should simply accept that this was an issue on her part.

I value the responses you ladies have given me. Thank you ♥️
Totally on her part. She could have been a grown up and said, “hey that comment hit me wrong. Is there something I should know?”
Or, yanno, not been an insecure middle schooler.

I get twinges when certain old friends of my sweetie’s post photos when they go on their semi annual lunch or annual local hike. Because other people respond “cute couple.” They have been friends 40 years. If anything was going to happen it would have. But the fact that she just replies “Thanks!” bugs me.
But these other people? They don’t really know him. They know her. They are aware of a friendship. Maybe they mean it as she looks cute.
(I mean, obviously I like his looks...duh)
But because I sometimes feel like I’m not priority, it bothers me.
She sent him a get well card when he broke his leg.

have I ever messaged her and gone psycho? No.
She’s a sweet lady. Nothing is up. Why be a freak in a bad way?
 
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I do not change my vernacular based on gender. I call more women babe/hun than I do men. He is my friend, but he also did not bring up an issue that had I known, I could have easily fixed. In not doing so, he caused a very, very insecure woman to call me a whore, a slut among other things. Message me threats and tattle to my husband @Mr_Mitt that his wife was trying to get on her man's dick.

The drama that so, so easily could have been avoided had he spoken to me as she had requested lays on his shoulders. I am understandably angry at his inaction over the time span of a year.

I grasp that it's her issue and theirs together to deal with. I do however value the comfort of partners though and wouldn't want to unnecessarily cause her discomfort as this is something I very easily could have avoided.

I was mainly curious if maybe I'm doing something wrong, or if I should simply accept that this was an issue on her part.

I value the responses you ladies have given me. Thank you ♥️
Maybe he realized she was going to be an ex and it wasn't worth the drama? If my S.O. didn't accept my explanation that we've been friends for 20 years and kept nagging, they'd be ending their status as S.O. If she contacted you/the hubs in that way, she crossed a line, IMO. If I were your friend, I'd end it over something like that.

Personally I'd have toned it down a little knowing how dramatic people can be :rolleyes:
Sure some people will say "just be you and fuck everyone else", but I'd rather avoid unnecessary drama if I can. Commenting on someone's pics calling them handsome, babe, etc while they're in a relationship is just setting yourself for a whole lot of potential drama :p
I kinda agree but mostly disagree. If I knew I was doing something that was causing a problem, I'd probably tone it down too. BUT if I knew in my heart it wasn't meant in they way some insecure person took it, I'd possibly keep doing it. Not in a "fuck them" way, but in a "be true to yourself" way.
 
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nailz

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BUT if I knew in my heart it wasn't meant in they way some insecure person took it, I'd possibly keep doing it. Not in a "fuck them" way, but in a "be true to yourself" way.

I guess, but to what gain?

I have a handful of principles I'd fight tooth and nail for, but something like this where it's just a matter of proactively phrasing something a little differently to avoid huge potential drama I'd rather bend a little. Life is too short for social media drama :rolleyes:

Again I'm not saying the OP did anything wrong. Just that a lot of people have jealousy and insecurity issues and stuff like this is a huge trigger for them ;)
 
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If it’s a trigger for them, they should work on it. They’ll be happier. If they choose not to do the self improvement, they’re choosing to be in negative headspace. It’s about their issue/perspective, and not really about my words.

It’s not that I’m not empathetic or compassionate... if the person has been genuine in talking to me about it, I’ll 99% likely stop. If they’ve said inappropriate stuff to me, contacted my S.O., or called me names, (like Mitty experienced), I won’t care about if their feelings are hurt... they’ve shown a lack of respect so they’re not worth my time. I don’t say much stuff that could be questioned by others so it’s rarely an issue for me.

Bottom line is that if I’m at peace with what I type, Im not going to spend my energy evaluating and reevaluating how my words might be misconstrued and misinterpreted by gawd knows who online.
 
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I don't think you did anything wrong if that's the way you normally speak. She could easily have defused the situation by simply saying "Could you please not call my SO 'babe' etc because it makes me +/- him uncomfortable?" but instead she chose to create a lot of trouble. The problem is all on her.

Having said that, I have a built-in censor that won't let me call male friends "babe" or "hun" and I bite my tongue over many other things I'd like to say. IG and FB seem to attract people who deliberately search out things to become offended by and then blow things way out of proportion to create drama and nastiness. I don't even look at those sites. I don't need that pettiness in my life.
 
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EllieP

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Wow! Insecure much?

I kind of used to be, but it's useless. At first it would kind of irk me to have women throw themselves at him, and yes, they did. We were in Nassau on our honeymoon and he was propositioned by a hooker WITH ME ON HIS ARM! OH COME ON!

But I was gracious. I said "I got his, Hon" He just laughed. The asshole.

Now, turn the tables, and he's not perturbed in the slightest. Once at a party a good old boy took a shine to me and told Cap that he was gonna lay that little blonde over there. All he said was "good luck with that."

Just a few weeks ago he left town for the first time in a long time, so I treated myself to a nice dinner out. A gentleman at another table bought me a glass of wine. Awkward, but I enjoyed talking to him briefly. I told Cap later that evening, and he just laughed.
 

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One of my favorites was in New Orleans. I was very tipsy, and he was guiding me back to the hotel. He was kind of in a state himself. He saw this fellow against a wall along a side street, and sure enough he started walking toward us with a smile on his face.

He said "Looks like you might need a hand with that."

Cap whispered to me "I think you have a suitor."

I looked up at the guy and smiled.

Then the guy said "Why don't you just leave her over there, and we can go over here."

I looked up at Cap and said "Nope, looks like you do."

On another visit to NOLA we were both three sheets to the wind, see the pattern here? That's why I love New Orleans!

He was holding me up, and I didn't know it at the time, but I was holding him up too!

How bad were we? We were both trying to figure out how to get down from the curb to cross the street. A young man saw our plight and came to our rescue just in time because we were both about to fall.

I thanked him too profusely.

The next block we face the same thing. We were trying to remember how we did it last time.

Out of the shadows comes our hero again and helps us down and across and up again. Then he says "Hey, you two wanna party?"

Cap looks at him and says "Man, I'm too messed up with alcohol and drugs. I don't need to complicate things."

I pouted because he was kinda cute. He could have watched me fall asleep.