How do you feel about taking a guy's virginity?

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by D_Botchely Boneher, Jun 5, 2008.

  1. D_Botchely Boneher

    D_Botchely Boneher Account Disabled

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    I'm completely inexperienced when it comes to sex, which, I know, for someone of 21 is considered rather odd these days. I don't have much of a problem with it.

    The only hassle is that at my age, it's simply expected of you to have had sex, etc. etc. and I'd feel a little nervous about telling a prospective girlfriend.

    How would any of you women feel about being a guy's first? We all know that the majority of women always say they find confidence attractive, but we all need a gentle introduction. Ideally I'd like a lovely woman to allow me to explore her body and get aquainted with it. I'm very much concerned with pleasuring a woman (eating pussy has been the biggest fantasy for me for years), and it would really be heaven to have a woman show me what she likes and sort of coach me to be her perfect lover. What are the chances of this? Do women mind showing a guy what they like? Do they just expect it? Surely not!

    Let me know your thoughts, whether they're positive or negative.

    Thanks for the time.
     
  2. AlteredEgo

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    I've had sex with three virgins. I don't mind. My current boyfriend was a virgin when I met him. It was difficult at first, but given time and encouragement our sexual connection improved.

    To be honest, virgins learn slower than experienced men, (in my experience, anyway) but all partners have to be shown or at least told what you like or want.
     
  3. Rubenesque

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    I've deflowered 4 virgins... one of them was 26..

    and I get quite a buzz out of the fact they'll always remember me, you always remember your first don't you.

    Also, I think it's quite a turn on that you get to "teach" them what you like and they don't start off thinking they know it all and have all the moves!
     
  4. D_Botchely Boneher

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    I'm not completely clueless. I've read quite a bit on the subject, and have seen enough amateur porn to see how bumblingly inept most men are. I'm also quite selfless by nature.

    My real worry is that it requires intense vulnerability on my part, and I'm quite scared about it. If you've been together years, she can (probably) be counted on to give a damn about you, but if it's before you've even made love, she might not feel too bad about humiliating you.
     
  5. D_Botchely Boneher

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    Denise, you sound wonderful!
     
  6. ManlyBanisters

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    Some women I've known find the 'inexperienced and willing to be molded' thing a HUGE turn on - I can't really advise you on how to go about finding out if a prospective girlfriend / lover is one of those kinds of women other than a straight up conversation. But maybe that is a good idea. If a woman is going to be put off by the fact that you are inexperienced then she's probably not right for you anyway. If you meet someone and there is a mutual attraction with her and she really likes you for being you then she's going to make the effort.

    I don't have that much sexual experience with male virgins - the guy I lost my virginity with was the only confirmed virgin I ever slept with (I suspect 2 others but they didn't say and I didn't ask - they were one night affairs so I didn't have time to teach them much - but I did my best :biggrin:), so we were in the same boat and just had a lot of fun finding out what it was all about. I can certainly recommend that as an alternative to an experienced woman teaching you. I think you will find there are women out there in the 18 to 21 bracket (and older) who are also virgins and would like not to be.

    To answer your question about whether women mind showing a guy what they like - well that's highly subjective. Some women love it, as I said. Some women might not be sure how to go about it - you know, be worried about hurting your feelings - in that case conversation is the key. Be totally honest and ask her to be same. If you do find a woman who says 'aw hell no - you have to know your way around my body without me saying a word' then she's not the woman for you. Yes, women like confidence - but being experienced and being confidant are not the same thing. You can be confidant about your desire to please, you can be confidant about your ability to learn - and also SHE can be confidant you are never going to say 'my ex girlfriend liked it when I did THIS!!' which, trust me, is a big plus :smile:

    Good luck.
     
    #6 ManlyBanisters, Jun 5, 2008
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2008
  7. D_Botchely Boneher

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    Thanks a lot, great post.

    I know that a lot of women are worried about hurting a guy by giving him constructive advice, but I'd take extra care to ensure her that I want proper guidance. You are right about conversation being key.

    I'd love to find an older woman willing to teach. I want to be a great lover, and really believe I can be, I just need a good woman (or a few good women) kind and compassionate enough to show me the ropes).
     
  8. AlteredEgo

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    Do you really want to make love (especially the first time) to a woman with whom you are uncomfortable being vulnerable anyway?

    My current boyfriend had so much anxiety about physical contact that sex was completely impossible at first, and the first time we had any sort of sexual contact (I stroked him until he was very hard and blew him until he came) he had a panic attack! Imagine? He was hyperventilating, trembling, crying, and it was very frightening for me. Now that's an extreme situation, but we got through it together. The fact is there are women out here who would feel honored and special to gain that kind of trust from you. That's how I felt about sex with my boyfriend.
     
  9. D_Botchely Boneher

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    Ideally I'd like to be close to the woman, but surely you can understand that at this point, my not having had sex is actually one of the things preventing me from getting close to a woman. How am I supposed to get close to the woman before sharing all these things?
     
  10. AlteredEgo

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    The same way you get close to anyone. Spend time together. Share interests. Why not let her know early on, before you've formed any particular attachment that you're a virgin? I mean, if the fact of your virginity is your personal 800 pound gorilla, then why not just get it out of the way. This will do at least four things: It will make any future disclosures of this information easier to make, it will remove fear of the unknown (with regard to how she will react to the information) because the pressure of needing to tell her will be relieved, it will make you feel closer to a woman even faster than you normally might, and it will weed out undesirables. Face it. Even if everything else you want in a woman is present, if she has any kind of negative response or resistance to you because of your inexperience, she's not the right one. So why put it off? Why let fear put a wedge between yourself and the amazing women out there? Being a virgin is not a crime, and I bet most women don't mind having to teach. As I already mentioned, every partner has to be taught, and as the other ladies mentioned, lots of women find virgins to be exciting.
     
  11. D_Botchely Boneher

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    How am I supposed to tell this kind of thing to a woman I'm merely friends with? It's highly personal and not just to be blurted out. If we date, she'll probably expect me to make a move. I can't. So if I have to sit down to her and talk, won't that ruin the mood?

    I don't know. I'm quite anxious now.
     
  12. AlteredEgo

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    Haven't you ever talked about sex with anyone? Anyone at all? It doesn't have to be weird to talk about. You are making it weird by decision and choice. You've decided it's awkward, so it is.

    If you're dating women, why can't you simply explain to them that you're not interested in having sex with just anyone, and that you want to get to know someone very special well before your relationship becomes sexual. Explain that you haven't wanted sex to be casual (if that's true).

    When I was single, if I met a man in whom I was interested, and the interest seemed to be mutual, I would ask him what he wanted from me, and tell him what I wanted and expected from him. Either we found that we were compatible enough to keep exploring each other as a potential partner and kept seeing each other, or we did not and we moved on. It really was as simple as:
    ALTERED EGO: So. What are you looking for?

    SOME DUDE: What do you mean?

    ALTERED EGO:
    Well, I'm looking for someone fun to hang out with. Someone hot like you, smart like you, funny and polite like you. But I don;t want this someone to make me any promises because emotionally, I'm not in a place where I could believe he can keep any promises. It has a lot more to do with me than you, and it isn't fair, but that's how it is. When I find this person, I want to try to be friends- real friends. In the meantime, since he's hot, I'd like to fuck him on a regular basis. Four or more times a week, schedules permitting. And once we're friends, maybe someday more will spring from the fact that we're such good friends, and also sexually compatible. Anyway. That's what I want right now. A potential friend, who is very hot, for frequent sex. Are you down? What do you want?

    SOME DUDE:
    Oh. Uh. Yeah, I thought you were hot and I wanted to fuck you. Plus, you seem cool, maybe we can be friends. I have to say I'm caught a bit off-guard by everything you just said. I don't know what you mean by not wanting me to make you any promises though.


    I had this conversation many times, and it usually went exactly like that. In all of my relationships, no matter what the nature of the relationship is I like to have little status meetings. That is, I like to discuss what I like about a person, any places where I think they or I could work to improve our relationship, and if relevant, what I'd like to see happen in the middle and distant future of our relationship.

    Needless to say, I'm not big on secrets, I don't like pretense, I'm very into open communication, and therefore cannot relate to your discomfort with talking to women about the fact that you are a virgin. Just say it. make it a part of a discussion about what you want from a woman, and what your expectation and fears are. (If you notice, I do mention a deep-seated fear in my conversation, but I just gloss over it, and don't refer to it as fear. Can you spot it?)
     
  13. D_Botchely Boneher

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    Good post. You're probably right.

    By nature I'm very quiet and keep to myself. I'm not particularly good with people, and am a little scared of being humiliated if I'm to be honest. It's not particularly wonderful being a man in this position. Girls don't have to worry about it.

    How old are you?
     
  14. B_ScaredLittleBoy

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    Everyone - regardless of gender - has something they are embarrassed about and don't want other people to see.

    eg a lot of women won't want to let you fuck them doggy (until you 'know' them) because they feel they have big/fat asses. etc

    When you become comfortable with another person, or accept yourself and realise that no one is perfect and we all have "embarrassing" parts of our bodies, then you will enjoy sex [more].

    I am shy and quiet too. You just need to relax and not take social interactions so seriously. Try making everything a joke or innuendo. Works for me.

    Good luck :smile:
     
  15. AlteredEgo

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    I'm 28. My boyfriend is 23. He was 22 when he lost his virginity with me, in his shower, after months of building up to that point.

    I know you might feel humiliated if such a conversation doesn't go well. This is why most people honestly don't discuss anything important. Things get implied, implications aren't always understood, a lot of assumptions are made. I think it's very dysfunctional. Even if you have this conversation and it goes poorly, and you feel humiliated, and awful, you must remember that the only thing that just happened was you discovered an innate incompatibility. You weren't right for each other.

    By the way, I wouldn't recommend having this conversation right before sexual contact is imminent.
     
  16. D_Botchely Boneher

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    Thanks, SLB.

    AlteredEgo, you raise some good points, naturally.

    But having said that, a woman can get away with telling a man she just wants to fuck. I have the feeling if I went around saying that to the ladies I'd acquire a less than stellar reputation in no time.
     
  17. AlteredEgo

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    If what you really want is just to have sex, do not be afraid to say so. You will have a reputation for only wanting sex, but if it's true, that's not a bad thing. First rule though: Never shit where you eat. Look for girls outside of your circle of influence, and outside of your neighborhood. It goes without saying that you should steer clear of co-workers as well. Listen, if you tell women that you really only want to have a casual, sexual relationship with them, and they really want a boyfriend, you're sparing each other a lot of headache (maybe heartache too). A lot of women may be put off, but the right women will be relieved.

    In my personal story, I encountered plenty of dudes who just wanted a casual sexual relationship. Most of them would not have admitted as much if I didn't tell them it's what I was looking for. Some of them did, and I was relieved every time. In fact, I'm still friends with those guys, friendly enough that I could ask for a ride to the airport, or help with a move, or to escort me to a wedding without expecting to get to fuck me (since I'm no longer single). If I'm ever single again, the nature of our friendships will change again. It's nice. Then again, I'm told I'm an unusual woman.

    Anyway, listen to SLB. We all have an insecurity. Yours doesn't need to make you feel like a pariah. It's just a part of being human.
     
  18. D_Botchely Boneher

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    The problem with being a virgin is that if I want casual sexual relationships (and believe me, I do) I have to be able to take the initiative. To do that, I need confidence in my abilities, and I'll only get that once I've had a considerate introduction from some lovely woman. To use a very clumsy metaphor - it's just so damn difficult to get my foot in the door, so to speak.
     
  19. AlteredEgo

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    I think many guys learn in casual encounters. If it isn't great, and she doesn't want seconds, you'll move on to someone else. I had an acquaintance who was very inexperienced, though not a virgin. We had such amazing chemistry that skill wasn't even a factor. Once he learned to laugh at the weird, stupid things that happen during sex, he was way more relaxed, and his (already really good) performance improved. He wasn't sure about his performance, and told me well in advance that he didn[t have much experience, and that he wanted to keep things "light and fun" which anyone can tell is code for "I'd like to fuck you, and whoever else is willing, but I'm still learning how to do that."

    A few things you need to know: Most people are having amazingly bad sex. It's true. I didn't know this, but some conversations I've been having
    with different groups of people have led me to this conclusion. What that means for you is that if you listen, are observant, use common sense, practice excellent hygiene, ask questions, and manage to satisfy your partner (which may or may not even mean giving her an orgasm) you will seem like a sex god. Pay attention to what a woman does to you. People do things that they think feel good. If she does something to you, even if you don't like what she's doing, try doing that thing to her. She's doing it to you because she expects you to find the same sensations pleasurable. (But don't be afraid to ask her to stop doing anything you don't like.)
     
  20. D_Botchely Boneher

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    I agree with you about other people having bad sex. I've heard women talk about men who managed to last 5 minutes without coming as if they were sex gods. It's a little sad, in a way. And then there are the men that don't/won't go down on their woman and are unwilling to learn.

    What qualities does a good lover possess to you? and what would your perfect lover do for you? What I mean is, what kind of things does a man do to indicate that he's considerate and knowledgeable and so forth?
     
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