How Do You Feel When Your Partner/SO Describes Other People as 'Attractive'?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by AlphaMale, Oct 26, 2011.

  1. AlphaMale

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    To me, if something about someone's personality or looks is so substantial to be describing them as "attractive" then that's the person I want to be with. For example, to me my partner is the most attractive person out there 'to me', which is why I want to be with him and only him. I wouldn't describe anyone else as being attractive but him.

    I think connotation is key here. It's a lot more subtle to describe someone as "ok", "good looking" or "cool", but "attractive" has a much stronger connotation (albeit definitionally could be considered synonymous with some of those words).

    My partner, however, doesn't get why I would be slightly offended or feel disrespected when he is describing other guys as "attractive" instead of opting for other words that are less "all in".

    Thoughts?
     
    #1 AlphaMale, Oct 26, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2011
  2. D_Dewey_DeLong

    D_Dewey_DeLong Account Disabled

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    Doesn't bother me a bit. I know she is committed to me exclusively. In fact my buddies and i hang out nude alot outside. I hope she look sand get turned on 'casue she will jump my bone.
     
  3. B_debonair87

    B_debonair87 New Member

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    Stop being insecure.

    Regardless of people being in a relationship they don't lose their list of qualities they deem attractive. you can't help what you like. This issue has more to do with your self esteem and less about your bf.

    Me and my ex girl would never shy away from saying someone else was good looking.
     
  4. B_jasonbig

    B_jasonbig New Member

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    I've had this situation with a girl who cheated on me and other times with gfs who hadn't, it made me feel queezy awkward upset and jealous with the girl who cheated, but with other ex's it was fine and we make jokes it ment nothing big
     
  5. AlphaMale

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    It's not a security or self esteem issue and that was actually pretty lame of you to say that. I didn't say I go running to cry in the corner anytime he says someone is attractive. You apparently completely missed the point of the post.

    It's a word choice issue and I'm asking people how they feel about the differences in the word choices. Personally, I'm not going to use the word "attractive" to describe any person other than the one I'm in a committed relationship with.
     
    #5 AlphaMale, Oct 26, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2011
  6. Remington

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    Completely indifferent.

    Sometimes, I'll have a gander. Just to see what she finds attractive.

    There is a clear difference between finding or saying someone is attractive, and being attracted to someone.
     
    #6 Remington, Oct 26, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2011
  7. nudeyorker

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    There are a lot of attractive people in the world as there are many unattractive people; I am more uncomfortable when he mentions others flaws in passing because I don't feel we should judge others appearance in a negative way; it would be very hurtful if they overheard. It might make someone's day to hear a passing compliment from a complete stranger so it does not bother me if my partner mentions the obvious. We only have eyes for each other so the rest of world is eye candy for our amusement and passing entertainment.
     
  8. flame boy

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    Personally, I would use attractive as a generic term for someone who is good looking (be it a man or a woman). I don't see descriptive words as having less or more impact than each other. If I see someone on the street, in a movie or online who I think is good looking I tend to share this with my other half and he'll give his verdict too. I'm only interested in him, so anyone else I see is just superfluous.
     
  9. AlphaMale

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    I guess to me, based on life experience and from various readings that the word "attractive" and "being attracted to someone" have a much stronger meanings than just saying someone is "good or nice looking" (although as FB mentioned they can be used generically). It's more like "extremely good looking". Like I mentioned above it's a denotation vs. connotation issue.

    I think someone can be good looking without you necessarily being attracted to them.

    The word attractive (from what I've gathered) has the connotation of drawing you in, being seductive, "can't take your eyes off", being helpless to the power of it's beauty, being like a magnet. I'd hardly describe someone or something like that as being merely "good looking".

    It's like the connotations of the words "big" and "huge". Good looking is big, and attractive is huge.

    Very good point.

    ==

    Ty all so far for the constructive input. :smile:
     
    #9 AlphaMale, Oct 26, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2011
  10. dandelion

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    I think there is a broad consensus on what people consider amounts to 'attractive', as say people who get to be film stars or models in magazines. Beyond that there is personal differences of opinion. Attractiveness is usually judged on looks, which would be the case just passing someone in the street. But choosing a partner is a lot more than looks!
    Personally rather enjoy sharing opinions of passers by. It seems to me a lot less worrying than keeping it secret. Thats when you should be worrying.
     
  11. Jillang

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    For me it depends on the situation. If he says it about a celebrity or someone who he isn't going to actually meet I don't mind but if it's a friend or something, that's totally different. I agree though it can be totally disrespectful.
     
  12. Stephenmass

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    I don't mind at all if he says to me wow that guy is attractive. Sometimes I will say the same to him about someone. Sometimes we have different tastes, sometimes we both find that other one we are talking about attractive. I find my mate attractive, hopefully he finds me the same. But that doesn't mean we don't find other people attractive at all. You mean to tell me you have never walked by someone that you consider really attractive, nice face, hot body, etc., and didn't think to yourself how attractive he/she is? I think you are overthinking semantics.
     
  13. AlphaMale

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    This is pretty much how I feel as well.

    Actually, yes. When I'm in a relationship, for whatever reason that part of my brain is completely turned off. I only have eyes for my partner.

    The person would have to be out of this world and almost stellar good looking (which really doesn't come around very often at all) for me to even give them a glance. And even then it would just be a "cool, they look good" reaction. Not in anyway way a "wow, how attractive is he/she!?" reaction. I realize (and judging by the responses so far) that is probably not the norm.
     
  14. Indelicate

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    Knowing how your partner feels about you, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't let it bother me. It may be a matter of perspective and understanding of the syntax here, but at the end of the day, there is no one more loyal or loving. If you treasure the relationship, overlook it. This scenario not worth damaging your relationship over it. Just my two cents.
     
  15. B_debonair87

    B_debonair87 New Member

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    call it lame all you want but you're the one saying you feel disrespected by your mate calling someone else attractive. that sounds like a security reason to me. i didn't miss the point of anything you just don't like response which is fine by me. you already let it be known that you're sensitive.

    anyway, attraction does not have to imply sexual attraction.

    actually no, you suppress it. your brain doesn't "turn things off".
     
    #15 B_debonair87, Oct 26, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2011
  16. dolfette

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    i'm not insecure, so i'm fine with the fact that i'm not the only attractive person in the world. there are other women who, were the guy not with me, he would likely make a play for and might even be happy with. that's just reality. big deal!

    noticing a person is attractive is not disrespectful. commenting on it is not disrespectful. harping on about it, drawing comparisons or obsessing about them would be disrespectful.
     
    #16 dolfette, Oct 26, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2011
  17. D_Ivanna_Wanka-Wang

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    My partner and I often times identify attractive men and women. we use the words attractive, because words: cute, good-looking, appealing, etc. only explain the appearance of the person. Attraction, in my opinion, has more to do with the heir in which someone carries themselves, in combination with physical factors. The only issue I would have is if my partner were to say something like. "yeah I'd fuck them." That would raise alarm but simply pointing out beauty in another person is perfectly fine between us.

    Please note that we've actually had a conversation on this topic and came to an understanding that neither of us mind as long as a limit isn't broken. That may be a good idea, if the "issue" (i use that word for lack of a better one) persists.

    Solid communication is the key to success in any relationship: romantic or not.
     
  18. AlphaMale

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    Edited
     
    #18 AlphaMale, Oct 27, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2011
  19. AlphaMale

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    So I didn't really have time last night to make my post the way I wanted to so I just edited it completely...

    What I was going to say was I don't think in general that it's a security issue. I think some things while in a relationship are better left unsaid if they are not going to produce some type of positive result. I'm not saying you should have to moderate every form of communication, but having a slight buffer in place isn't a bad or unreasonable thing. I also never said I was sensitive.

    I think the people responding that is ok for their mate to call someone else attractive should really re-evaluate what good is going to come out of that. Is that really something that is being said to produce some type or positive result in anyway? Is that being said to uplift the person you are saying it to?

    I think honestly that's more the insecurity/low self-esteem issue (if there really is one with this type of scenario) of the person who wants to point out that other people are attractive. What makes that person think it's ok to be pointing who is and isn't attractive and actually verbalizing it to their significant other? A thought is one thing, but constantly feeling the need to verbalize it is to me saying that there is some other reason behind it. Taking security/esteem out of the equation that's still going to weigh on a person's dignity in some way, shape, or form.

    ==

    I actually do agree with the part I bolded.

    And yes, voluntarily suppressing those type of feelings out of loyalty to one and only one person is a good thing. We don't lose the thoughts of who we are attracted to when we are in a relationship, but at the same time that doesn't mean we need to be roving horn dogs always on the prowl for who is "attractive" and then going one step further and constantly telling our partners about it. Being classy and considerate are two words that come to mind.

    A person who wants to continue to "play the field" (even it's only looking) just simply shouldn't be in a relationship. That's what single people do. Not people who are in a committed relationship imo.
     
    #19 AlphaMale, Oct 27, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2011
  20. joyboytoy79

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    I have promiscuous eyes. This was something that I made sure I let my partner know before we got serious. I see beauty in many places, and I'm totally going to say when I see it. For me, there are a few "types" of attractive.

    The first is completely superficial. It's all about looks. It goes beyond merely "good looking." Some people have a look just just turns me on and gets my mind going in all sorts of naughty directions. I can't pinpoint what elements of physical appearance do that for me. It seems almost random. (I have a definite thing for tall, dark haired guys, but it isn't all tall dark haired guys by any means)

    The second is all about personality. Sensitive, confident types draw my attention. They also get my mind going all naughty-like. Often, personality has a lot more to do with attractiveness than looks.

    My husband also has promiscuous eyes. We often talk together about guys we find attractive. And we don't always agree.

    I personally don't feel offended if Masked tells me he finds someone attractive. As long as he isn't jumping into bed with that guy, or trying to develop a romantic-type emotional relationship, I don't have anything to worry about. I can't speak for Masked, but he has never complained to me about me finding people attractive.

    I've gone and written a novel. My point is, attraction works differently for different people. I don't think it's a good idea to stifle attraction in a partner. At the same time, i don't think it's a good idea to flaunt your attraction to other people. Alpha, you can talk to me any time about this. I can offer you more personalized advice.

    *hugs* to both you and CG.
     
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