How Do You Feel When Your Partner/SO Describes Other People as 'Attractive'?

dolfette

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talk about projecting!

a passing observation does not make people ''roving horn dogs always on the prowl''. it's not the same as ''playing the field''. your insinuation that it does speaks volumes.

you ask, what good comes from it?
well i quite like hearing their opinions and tastes. if i didn't like hearing their opinions and tastes then i wouldn't be with them. i am always curious about how a partner sees the world, politics, ethics, art, other people, etc. when i stop being interested then the relationship is likely dead.

you ask, what harm comes from it?
from my POV, none. he's with me.
 
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AlphaMale

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talk about projecting!

a passing observation does not make people ''roving horn dogs always on the prowl''. it's not the same as ''playing the field''. your insinuation that it does speaks volumes.

you ask, what good comes from it?
well i quite like hearing their opinions and tastes. if i didn't like hearing their opinions and tastes then i wouldn't be with them. i am always curious about how a partner sees the world, politics, ethics, art, other people, etc. when i stop being interested then the relationship is likely dead.

you ask, what harm comes from it?
from my POV, none. he's with me.

I have the tendency to give extreme examples, I apologize.
 

D_Fiona_Farvel

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I do not give a shit, the people I date/spend time with do not give a shit - in fact, we openly discuss attractive people. We're compatible in the not giving a shitness about this issue.
 

AlphaMale

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Ok I've talked this subject through my partner (he might even post here as well :wink: EDIT: And we posted at the exact same time lol) and some other people as well and we have come to a conclusion.

If anyone wants to posts their thoughts here still, then feel free. I, however, will probably not be responding to any comments made on anything I have said personally since I was pretty much just venting.

Ty for posting constructive criticism and insight. :smile:

Hmm, really?? :eek:, I hadn't noticed :tongue: :kiss:

Hushed up! :tongue:
 
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Stephenmass

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If I say someone is attractive to my partner (talking about someone else) the only thing I am doing in my mind is giving that person a compliment. Granted it was not said to them or anything of the sort. If it was, then I would begin to worry. If I did it constantly, yes then I would worry. But just as an observation that someone is attractive? As I said before, most of the time he agrees that he is attractive and other times we disagree about it. What might be his cup of tea is not mine and vice versa. Looking never hurt anyone.
 

Bbucko

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I have promiscuous eyes.

[...]

My husband also has promiscuous eyes. We often talk together about guys we find attractive. And we don't always agree.

I personally don't feel offended if Masked tells me he finds someone attractive. As long as he isn't jumping into bed with that guy, or trying to develop a romantic-type emotional relationship, I don't have anything to worry about. I can't speak for Masked, but he has never complained to me about me finding people attractive.

[...]

*hugs* to both you and CG.

When I first met my most recent ex, one of the very first things we agreed on was to be open with each other about finding someone sexy, interesting or attractive. We'd both been in previous relationships with people who shared the opinion of the OP and found that the tension was at best an annoyance and at worst a constraint on our thoughts. Of all the stresses that eventually led me to end that relationship after almost ten years, fidelity wasn't one at all.

In fact, one of his favorite (and better) lines was: "I don't care what makes you hungry as long as you eat at home" :wink:

On the other hand, I've always been someone who insists that specific words carry very specific meanings, which is why I have a rather extensive vocabulary. And there are some words someone else may find innocuous but which I find irritating, and make it a point to say so when I'm beginning a new relationship.

Take the word normal, for instance: I loathe it and rarely if ever use it as an adjective (though I will occasionally use the adverb normally). Normal implies that there is a universal consensus regarding what's correct and decent (but this is rarely if ever the case); it's a highly judgemental word that is usually used to express one's disdain or disapproval of anyone or anything that falls out of some imaginary line. Instead of normal, my preferred word is standard, which is judgement-neutral. But I've always been a non-conformist and prefer to judge things myself, based on experience and observation.

Another word I dislike is nice: I find it to be the lowest common denominator of compliments. It's a flaccid, lazy word and its use annoys me. If the best thing someone can say about someone or something is that s/he/it is nice, then don't bother at all. Sweet, kind, attractive, friendly, comfortable, etc are not just more illuminating in general but point specifically to what element you're attempting to compliment.

So, though I disagree that there's anything inherently disrespectful about a partner referring to someone else as attractive from my perspective, if AlphaMale does, then he needs to make it clear to CG63, who then has the option of either agreeing (and stopping use of the word) or negotiate a meaning that no longer results in AM's feeling disrespected. Relationships are, after all, built around compromise, respect and consensus.
 

mako shark

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I see many folks that are attractive (both male and female). However this is only skin deep and once I have a conversation with them I typically become less attracted.
 

D_Kitten_Kaboodle

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at·trac·tive
adjective

1.
providing pleasure or delight, especially in appearance or manner; pleasing; charming; alluring
2.
arousing interest or engaging one's thought, consideration, etc.
3.
having the quality to attract

at·tract
verb (used with object)
1.
to draw by a physical forcecausing or tending to cause to approach, adhere, or unite; pull (opposed to repel): The gravitational force of the earth attracts smaller bodies to it.

2. to draw by appealing to the emotions or senses, by stimulating interest, or by exciting admiration; allure; invite: to attract attention; to attract admirers by one's charm.
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AlphaMale... it seems (to me) that your interpretation of the definition is different from your partner's interpretation. Both are correct.

Personally, neither my husband nor I have a problem with the word 'attractive' as we use the definition bolded in BLUE (thinking your partner uses the word this way as well.) Pleasing to the eye does not mean you want to have a relationship with them.

I've often said that it is natural to recognize beauty (or attractiveness) in all shapes and forms, including other people (male and female) ... Pleasing to the eye... beauty....attractive...

I also understand that your (heavier) interpretaion is closer to the PURPLE bold where the 'attraction' unites....

In our home... we never use the word "stupid" when referring to people... (ie, he's stupid, you're stupid, etc.) Others may say this all the time and think nothing of it.

Point I'm trying to make is there are many words or phrases that we use and interpret based on our upbringing... so you and your partner were raised to understand and appreciate this word differently.

Recognize and appreciate each other's usage of the word. Now that you know what he means by it... is there really a big deal? You know what he means, right?

P.S. Ya'll both just as attractive as hell to me :hug: