How do you find for a life partner when you're shy as fuck?

[lopo2000]

So, it's the relationship thread again. Not really relationship, it's about having the courage and gut to approach a person to begin with. I suck at that. Just like today at an academic conference, I just stood there while everybody else was mingling around. Then, when I presented my paper, people started to approach me after seeing how my topic was interesting and how I presented it well and all. But that's the problem, people need to see my strength/skills/abilities/etc. to be interested to know me further. I know that one of the ways to advertise yourself is by going active and go approach people and introduce yourself, but I just couldn't do that.

So, applying this issue in my love life, I strongly believe that my extreme shyness has become an obstacle for me to find a life partner. I can just wait for people to approach me, but there is no paper presentation or stage performance in social settings, so I am usually just left behind alone because I have nothing to "show off". I might have my own attractions and I might get talkative once I get to know someone but first impression is a bitch and this bitch makes me seem less interesting than when I am after I am known.

I know the easy solution would be to brave myself up and go talk to someone, but to be honest, that's almost the last thing I want to do. I can't even bear the thought of being rejected, directly or indirectly. I can't also bear the thought of screwing up when you're trying to present yourself in the most attractive manner.

So, I'm sure some of you guys here are shy, and I'm sure many of you who are shy are also in a very stable relationship right now. So, how do you do it? Please give whatever input you have.

 

[MovingForward]

I used to be very shy but I learned people are people and not everyone is looking to hook up with you. Sometimes just a hello is all that is needed. Are you comfortable making eye contact with people. It's very hard to meet someone while you are by yourself, but it is not impossible. What is the worst thing that can happen? I realized, I am not everyone's type. Especially in the gay community, there is someone out there if you try. From Bears to cubs, twinks to twanks, kink to vanilla. Figure out what you like. Honestly it took a lot of dating to figure it out.

 

[Hijetala]

stop being fucking shy? shy = annoying

 

[tiamold]

stop being fucking shy? shy = annoying

Dont be a douche bag. Douche bag = annoying.
I am shy too. I am terrible at meeting ppl.

 

[D_22]

The more you decide to just go for it, the easier it gets. You just need to man and go, stop thinking too damn much. I know the idea and thought of it is scary but whether the answer from the person you're talking to is positive or negative, you'll never know until you try. You could be missing out on something good. But once again, your shyness will leave the more you push yourself to take that plunge. It's like a muscle. You keep on working it out and it will develop over time.

 

[lopo2000]

Thank you guys, but not for the one asshole up there. Actually the reason I'm shy is because I'm very insecure. When people look at me (or stare at me), I always lean toward thinking that there's something weird about me, rather than something attractive about me. But I think being insecure is one unattractive quality to begin with right?

 

[Infernal]

When someone stares at you, or looks too long, take the chance and smile or wave or maybe just a nod of your head. Do something to acknowledge that you see them. Maybe they will look away, or maybe they will say hello. It's a pretty simple, non threatening way to break the ice.

 

[hrdhatdad]

Being extremely shy is actually inherited. It rarely has anything to do with self-esteem issues. Try to relax, start with a smile and say hello.

 

[K.Dst]

Look out for friends first.
Not just a few friends that with whom you keep close ties at all times, try to make new friends, unusual friends, people you wouldn't have expected to become friend with in the first place...

Meet new people, and let them show you other people and so on... Even if you're shy, you can see and interact with a whole lo of different people simply by hanging with people who are less shy than you are.

Do not look specifically for a life partner, simply let people flow around you. Eventually you'll bump into someone you could explore something different from friendship

 

[lopo2000]

Being extremely shy is actually inherited. It rarely has anything to do with self-esteem issues. Try to relax, start with a smile and say hello.

It is? Wow, it never actually occurred to me.

@K.Dst, that's a very good advice. That wouldn't require me to be active and approach people proactively. Maybe jumping into relationship first has its own limitations.

 

[D_22]

Look out for friends first.
Not just a few friends that with whom you keep close ties at all times, try to make new friends, unusual friends, people you wouldn't have expected to become friend with in the first place...

Meet new people, and let them show you other people and so on... Even if you're shy, you can see and interact with a whole lo of different people simply by hanging with people who are less shy than you are.

Do not look specifically for a life partner, simply let people flow around you. Eventually you'll bump into someone you could explore something different from friendship

That's some good advice.

 

[Dickslap]

One bit of advice I would give, in the form of a common line: fake it til you make it. Think about how more outgoing people act, what they do, what makes them outgoing and helps them meet people. Take some of those characteristics and try "faking it" when you're out or meeting new people. Even little changes like like saying "Hi, hows it going?" rather than just "Hi" can make conversation a lot easier and can make you seem more approachable. I know when I was more shy and uncomfortable, I definitely gave off more of an aloof/bored/don't-talk-to-me vibe, which didn't make it easier to come talk to me.

 

[D_BenJo_Ahanakokolele]

I used to be shy as fuck but then i stopped caring what people thought of me.

 

[endisnear]

It's very hard to meet someone while you are by yourself, but it is not impossible.

I always hear people saying this, does anyone have any idea why? I would think that it wouldn't matter.

 

[AtomicMouse1950]

I used to be shy. I overcame it in a few ways. I was terribly shy in high school. I got involved with doing skits and I became a male cheer leader of sorts. I did stage plays at local theatre groups. The more I did these things the less shy I became. I became confident at being before large groups. But a friend taught me something valuable. When you first meet someone, find something about them you like or admire.It could be the way they dress, or something about their grooming, or something about their features you like. And tell them something that's very positive about them.Once you start the conversation you forget how shy and nervous you are. It works every time.

 

[lopo2000]

I used to be shy as fuck but then i stopped caring what people thought of me.

This is the skill that I have not mastered yet. Even when I consciously attempt at not caring what other people think, my mind will always be stronger than my efforts. It will whisper me those hurtful words about how I might screw up, etc.

For others, thank you for your advice. I notice one advice earlier about looking at it like muscle, the more you train it, the stronger it is. So, maybe by participating in these things and faking it, I might overcome my extreme shyness.

 

[nudeyorker]

I've never been shy about anything or anyone in my entire life but I have seen how shyness can be so debilitating to others not only in business but in social situations. My advice is to investigate taking an acting/performance class at your university and/or a public speaking class. Both will lower your inhibitions and introduce you to safe situations to overcome shyness and social anxiety. Perhaps most importantly you should worry about having the life you want and before you know it the partner or one of them will wander into your life.

 

[K.Dst]

That wouldn't require me to be active and approach people proactively. Maybe jumping into relationship first has its own limitations.

Yeah, plus when you jump onto people and tell them "PLEASE PLEASE! DATE MEEEEEE!" that's kinda creepy :biggrin1:

You just need to relax and be cool, diving blindly into the gay world hoping you'll catch a life partner, that would imply a very frustrating number of dives before you get your hand on something susbtantial.

If you just enter slowly into that water and take the time to get used to it, you'll see more clearly the different fishes swimming around in there, learn to recognize the good ones from the bad ones, and to approach thoses you're interested in without scaring them off.

 

[lopo2000]

I will take y'all's advices seriously. If there is an activity that requires me to exhibit myself and to have a large network of friendships, I will try it. My god, it's a nightmare already...

 

[K.Dst]

I will take y'all's advices seriously. If there is an activity that requires me to exhibit myself and to have a large network of friendships, I will try it. My god, it's a nightmare already...

It doesn't have to be a nightmare, just relax and find people you're comfortable with who are more comfortable around other people than you are. It's only about feeling good and safe.