How Do You Flirt?

[2322]

Flirting has always eluded me. Apparently I'm terrible at it. This happened first when I was a teen in school. Girls would wear lockets with chains and I'd help them readjust the chain so the clasp was on the back. My friends took me aside one day and told me to stop it because it made the girls uneasy.

I don't know how to flirt at all. I've never done it with men as I've never been in an environment where something that open could occur without possible risks and my gaydar tells me as much as tin cans and string. The few times I made attempts following that rebuke from my friends, the objects of my flirtation have brushed me off.

Now I've come across the How many inches thread and I see it's full of guys flirting with each other! It's been my experience that people don't flirt with me either and whether that's because of my personality or my looks or, as I suspect, both, I don't know. A few weeks ago I was at an intensive at a gay-only retreat center and my first night there I noticed how many people knew each other already. They were talking like old friends, flirting all over the place, and fooling around with each other after the end of the day's activities. The following day I talked to some of the other guys about it, asking them at breakfast how they all knew each other. They didn't. They had all met at this place for the first time the day we all arrived.

One of my demons in the back of my head is now fairly shouting at me that the reason I wasn't part of any of this through the whole weekend was that I was defective; I'm ugly, hung like a churchmouse (which everybody knew since it was a nude workshop), and somehow I just repel people. No matter how good I feel about myself, I just don't have whatever charisma it is that attracts people.

Now I'd like to believe that particular demon is wrong, but I need to know what I can do to become someone who people find attractive enough to flirt with and receive flirtation from. I feel like I'm learning a foreign language here but that's OK. I'm willing to work to make it happen.

Any thoughts appreciated and yes, this is something I'm going over with my shrink but I thought I'd ask here to get some perspectives.

Thank you.

 

[str82fcuk]

I don't know how to do it either. It's like everyone else has a secret code. And then even though I don't know anything about it people often tell me I'm coming on to strong when I'm just being friendly and have no sexual interest in them anyway. While when I am sexully attracted I act like a mute wallflower.

 

[fratpack]

I absolutely totally love to flirt. Any chance I get I will flirt...sometimes rather shamelessly and my friends will be in awe at what I say and do....but for me it is all harmless. No, I'm not a cock tease but I will certainly let the other person feel very good about himself. True flirting is an art form and I aspire to be the best I can be at it.

 

[earllogjam]

I do it like Margaret Cho...

I just mosy up to the guy and quickly blurt out - "STICK IT IN!"


Easy- just be your friendly old self...just smile a tad more than you usually do.

 

[cookiesweet83]

there's no secret to flirting its just a moment where you feel more inclined to be more friendly with someone. a slight touch on the arm, a kiss on the cheek a more than one second hug. dont try so hard, it comes naturally.

 

[str82fcuk]

apparently some people like to flirt just for the fun of it 'to make people feel good' but how can I tell if someone flirting with me is serious?

 

[goodwood]

Jason -
I am sorry that this has elduded you. : ( I don't know you but have every confidence that you are a loyal friend and someone I would want to be friends with. Flirting is really quite simple. Light hearted conversation, chit chat, lots of smiling, asking question of those you meet.
I think I have mentioned it before but I will mention it again - a sure fire flirting mehod that always works for me is this: look at the person you want to flirt with, capture eye contact, lower your eyes and look away and down, slowly look back up with wide eyes and smile. Then approach the person and chat away. : )

 

[viking1]

You aren't the only one Jason.

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

I don't flirt. I'm horrible at it.

 

[Calboner]

My case is a bit like what Str82fcuk says of himself: if I have no particular interest in a woman but find her pleasant, I can probably be "friendly" (as I would think of it) in a way that might amount to flirting, but if a woman seems particularly attractive to me then I turn into the most boring guy in the world. Whatever I say makes me look like such a nerd and a loser that I just want to get the hell out of there. I'm also bad at recognizing when a woman is flirting with me: I typically only figure it out hours after the event.

 

[SpeedoGuy]

Flirting has always eluded me. Apparently I'm terrible at it.

You're not alone, jason. I'm the same. Can't dance and can't flirt.

 

[2322]

I don't know how to do it either. It's like everyone else has a secret code. And then even though I don't know anything about it people often tell me I'm coming on to strong when I'm just being friendly and have no sexual interest in them anyway.

Precisely. I get the same kind of responses. People mistake my friendliness for an interest in them and they react as if they're offended or will, at least, blatantly state they're not interested.

I do it like Margaret Cho...

I just mosy up to the guy and quickly blurt out - "STICK IT IN!"

Classy.

Easy- just be your friendly old self...just smile a tad more than you usually do.

If i was more confident about my smile. My jaw is too small for my mouth. I have British teeth and four years of braces made it so that I have a lot of cheek showing when I smile. Yeah I need braces again and should probably get veneers or something plus I have quite the overbite.

there's no secret to flirting its just a moment where you feel more inclined to be more friendly with someone. a slight touch on the arm, a kiss on the cheek a more than one second hug. dont try so hard, it comes naturally.

I'm not a touchy person save with people I know really well and, conversely, when I try doing things like that people pull away.

Jason -
I am sorry that this has elduded you. : ( I don't know you but have every confidence that you are a loyal friend and someone I would want to be friends with.

Thanks but friends I have. In fact that's my number one problem. I'm the eternal friend. Always knows what to say, always the person who will loan you money and never expect it back, bail you out of jail, let you sleep on my couch, cover your ass in a fight, keep every secret, hold your head when you puke, visit faithfully in hospital, and let cry on my shoulder. That I'm great at. I love my friends and the few I count as true friends have me for life (like malaria).

I'm interested in generating interest in me that will be reciprocated. I hope that doesn't sound too selfish.

I had a great weekend at the resort but shit; as one guy put it, "How do you spend three days at a gay conference center with 30 other horny gay guys and not get any action?" I think I'm the only man who left that place without a single orgasm the whole time and that really hurt. There was such an intense feeling of rejection that I literally cried. It's embarrassing to admit that here but I'm working to fight that from ever happening again.

I spent 20 years precisely and purposefully not making any attempt to attract anyone, got very used to not worrying or thinking about love or attraction because rejection like this is so devastating to me that it just wasn't worth it. So let me tell you. Whomever invented that old chestnut of, "Stop looking for love and you'll find it," is a turd. Yes, a turd. It's complete bullshit. Never in those 20 years did anybody approach me, wanted to get to know me, pick me up, or anything. And now that I'm trying to turn myself around it's the same old rejections over again and I don't know how many more I can take before I give-up entirely.

It's almost worse than the baths because at the retreat people got to know something about me, see what I was like, and I thought that might work in my favor. I spent time with people, socialized until everyone else had gone to bed, barely even looked at my computer.

I know there are people out there; people who we all look at and know they don't stand a chance in Hell of getting with someone we would all find attractive. Those people either settle for each other or give-up and as a result they're old and bitter (like my father). My great fear is that I'm one of those people and that just makes me cringe because I don't want to be one of them. That's what I'm fighting for in all of this. That's why I'm putting myself on the line but shit, I could use a few occasional successes to keep me going even if they don't turn into relationships. Just a hot one niter now and then would make it worth the effort.

Flirting is really quite simple. Light hearted conversation, chit chat, lots of smiling, asking question of those you meet.

Light conversation is difficult. I tend to be on the outside of big gatherings. Again, with people I know I'm relaxed, but otherwise I find most interactions either banal or, when I do find something of interest, I tend to get in way too deep and leave most people unable to reply, as if I'm holding a lecture. They listen intently and then compliment me for knowing so much and then change the subject or leave the clique to go do something. I know that's a problem but I'm not a superficial person.

I think I have mentioned it before but I will mention it again - a sure fire flirting mehod that always works for me is this: look at the person you want to flirt with, capture eye contact, lower your eyes and look away and down, slowly look back up with wide eyes and smile. Then approach the person and chat away. : )

Huh. I will try that. Thank you!

 

[goodwood]

Jason, dear Jason -
If I were gay, I would hit on you. But I'm not gay which is why I said you would be someone I would want to be friends with.
However - I am in public relations and am very good at partying and if it works out that we are in the same town we will go out and I will get you hooked up! : )

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

Confidence draws people to you. Just be confident. Act confident. Hell, even if you aren't confident, at least pretend that you are. (Trust me, that works.)

 

[2322]

Confidence draws people to you. Just be confident. Act confident. Hell, even if you aren't confident, at least pretend that you are. (Trust me, that works.)

I have been very confident lately. That whole weekend I was oozing confidence. I had to. It's tough to be naked around 30 men and be the smallest guy there. I paraded around like it didn't matter at all. I stood straight, stayed engaging, and felt very proud of my accomplishments. Truly I felt more confident with myself than I had in ages. Still didn't work. It's easy to be confident when you're not looking for sex because there's no pressure to be anyone else. It's just that who I am isn't somebody people want in that way.

I'm straying from the original topic here. This likely should have been a blog post. Sorry about that.

 

[36DD]

I love to flirt! It's so much fun!

 

[sdbg]

Smile! :kiss: That's the best way to flirt for me. When you see someone hot, you feel sparks right away, then you make eye contact, and ZING! Give 'em a smile! It's surprising how many will smile back. I like to put the friendly vibe out there and see where it goes. Who knows? We might just make a new friend or even better!

 

[str82fcuk]

I went for nine years without sex because I was looking for something 'meaningful' but then I decided to just try for sex. And I also learned a lot about my own insecurities before I started getting lucky. (I still can't flirt but I can get myself laid a bit now and then lol). You are right that confidence is necessary and it is very difficult to fake. Basically I had to give up faking and pretending like things didnt matter. I had to really accept that they dont matter. Develop a whatever attitude. Even so I dont think I could have succeeded in the intensely social setting you described. One thing I have learned that is helpful is realising that most people are scared and fearful of most people most of the time including of YOU even though you would probably never imagine it. Did you ever think that people maybe think you are too NICE and PROPER to fool around with. Maybe act the fool and be flippant and be light-hearted and casual and silly and flirtatious but do it naturally ... yeah tall order I know ... anyway it only works for me in an atmosphere that is already sexually highly charged ... I cant get anywhere if I have any lingering illusions about anything 'serious' ... maybe things will change in the future but I'm tired of having unrealistic expectations and now I have given up caring what people think of me so I just act how I feel when I feel and I am assertive and unrestrained about it and it works in some settings but elaborate social settings still confuse the shit out of me and make me feel uncomfortable so I cant really function in those and I avoid them.... So I guess my answer now is that I dont flirt I do which bothers some people whatever

I have been very confident lately. That whole weekend I was oozing confidence. I had to. It's tough to be naked around 30 men and be the smallest guy there. I paraded around like it didn't matter at all. I stood straight, stayed engaging, and felt very proud of my accomplishments. Truly I felt more confident with myself than I had in ages. Still didn't work. It's easy to be confident when you're not looking for sex because there's no pressure to be anyone else. It's just that who I am isn't somebody people want in that way.

I'm straying from the original topic here. This likely should have been a blog post. Sorry about that.

 

[str82fcuk]

My case is a bit like what Str82fcuk says of himself: if I have no particular interest in a woman but find her pleasant, I can probably be "friendly" (as I would think of it) in a way that might amount to flirting, but if a woman seems particularly attractive to me then I turn into the most boring guy in the world. Whatever I say makes me look like such a nerd and a loser that I just want to get the hell out of there. I'm also bad at recognizing when a woman is flirting with me: I typically only figure it out hours after the event.

I often only figure it out decades later. I wish people would just be more direct.

 

[Mr. Snakey]

I dont. We can flirt without trying or meaning too. It's all how people take things. I have to watch myself sometimes. Im a people person and sometimes women take a mear conversation the wrong way. I cant blame them because most men wont even talk to a woman unless the want a piece off ass. Sad but true. I speak of conversations in real life. Not on here. I also speak of men in real life too. Not on here.