How do you forgive someone who has broken a promise too you..

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by HairyTXdude, May 27, 2009.

  1. HairyTXdude

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    Yesterday, my best friend for the past 8 years broke a promise to me to stay the night, I've been going thru alot of crap and didn't want to stay alone again..and long story short he ended up ditching me for a old friend that came to town...It not even the fact that he didnt stay the night or that he ditched me that hurts so bad, its the fact that he broke his promise...I was raised that a man's promise is his word and a man will never break his word to a person that means something to him..my father broke a promise to me 10 years ago and i still haven't forgiven him..This guy means the world to me, i want to forgive him, but i just can't seem to find a way, the trust is gone.. :frown1:
    Any advice? Please no harsh words...:puppy_dog_eyes:
     
  2. southernstud

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    This is a classic struggle, and it's intensified because you're going through a tough time. I know it's hard, but in reality take a look back at your friendship and realize that there is more than this one incident and broken promises happen: don't break a man based on one decision.

    If you are religious, which I'm not sure about, but there is one way to qualify this religiously (not meant to spark up an argument) but if you are a christian, then you promised God never to sin, but christians continue to do so, but God forgives and doesn't see you as less of a man for your decision, just a man needing work.

    The best thing to do, in all honesty is to sit down, think about it in perspective, and then talk to him about it. Maybe he had a good reason, maybe he did not realize the gravity of his choice to not stay with you, either way it's not worth losing a good friend to one event.
     
  3. HairyTXdude

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    Not religious in the least bit....He's str8, he doesn't sit down and talk about feelings like this (no im not saying all str8 guys are like this so don't jump down my throat ppl, its just the way he is) and his reason was he was tired after his...but his promise was he'd be here no matter what... "don't break a man based on one decision." and i was raised that one decision does break a man...I haven't really talked to my father in 10 yrs...
     
  4. DiscoBoy

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    You should never throw away a good friendship over something as trivial as this. I don't mean to undermine the issue, and I understand that it's the principal of the situation that's upsetting you, but I'm sure that your less than stellar mood is contributing to how badly you are feeling right now.

    People are imperfect. They make mistakes. You need to get over this notion that men will never break a promise to those whom are important to them. You do have to realize though, that a good man will always forgive a person whom they care about when mistakes are made.

    And most importantly, talk to him about it. It doesn't necessarily have to be a deep conversation on why he hurt you, but make sure he knows that he did in fact hurt you.
     
  5. D_Bob_Crotchitch

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    You may need to work on your anger towards your dad. Nobody on earth is perfect. Nobody always does what they say they'll do. Ten years is a long time to carry that bitterness and pain. You are missing out on ten years of life. Please work on forgiving your dad. It's influencing other relationships.
     
  6. HairyTXdude

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    So ya...
     
  7. southernstud

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    I fully understand the religious thing. I also understand the feelings thing. I wouldn't sit down to talk about feelings, but it would be more of a "what's up? why didn't you come" type convo. Just try to get details to clear up why things didn't work out. Shockingly, though, the forgiveness thing is in-part a choice to live and let live. Shutting everyone out of your life for trivial and one-time offenses is no way to live. You have to give everyone a second chance at least once, and you'll find better things coming to you.

    Try it, just once, especially with friends. I give my friends and family more leniency than other people, but it is the basis of a relationship that there is some slack in what there is. This could be something just blown out of proportion, and I think you'd be surprised at his response.

    I don't sit down and pour my heart out, but I typically can gauge people's response when they address me. If a friend called me and was asking why I didn't show, etc. I would get the vibe that the occasion was more important than I perceived. Who knows, maybe the other guy's situation happened.

    If you really wanted to look at the severity of the situation within the confides of losing all reasoning: would you react the same if he was in the ER because of something, but still failed to show. He didn't hold true to his word, but if he didn't tell you that, but told you something came up; would it still be as "grudge" oriented as it is now? I say this just to realize that sometimes people have to break their word for reasons they can't always explain to the other party, and that outward appearances are not always the underlying reality.
     
  8. HairyTXdude

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    I don't care about my father he is a asshole, he doesn't even consider me family! His own mother said he is such a bastard he doesn't deserve to have children...I've only mentioned my father cause he is the only other person who ever broke a promise to me in my life...until now...
     
  9. southernstud

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    Here's the rule though, for your own sanity, you have to forgive these people. Not for them, but for you. He is sleeping at night, and you are going on hating him, he is still influencing you but has nothing to do with you. It's ok that you don't talk to him. I have had my fair share of people that I no longer talk to, but I forgave them for what they did, and I let them go from my life. That's the key, forgive them, and then let them go from your life--just don't let them influence your life.
     
  10. HairyTXdude

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    ...
     
  11. HairyTXdude

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    MY father promised me he would come and see me on my birthday, since i hadn't seen him in two years, birthday came no him no call no gift (10th birthday) mother called him and asked what happened, He didnt feel like leaving home to fly down here... Could you forgive your father for that?:frown1:
     
  12. southernstud

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    My biological mother disowned me after promising to try and stay a part of my life, she left town, and haven't heard from her since. She just up and left, as in no one in the house, got picked up and relocated. A little bit worse of a situation than a forgotten birthday. One learns to forgive. It's not easy, I haven't talked to her, nor heard from her, nor want to. What happened, however, was I had to learn to not hold it against her in a way that controls me. It took time, not days, not weeks, but I did it for me.

    You must learn to let go of what they did. So he forgot your birthday, that's the past, you can't change it. You don't have to deal with it presently, he may have messed up, but that doesn't mean that you have to carry that baggage with you.

    I don't seek pity for my situation, and I don't let the past influence who I am today, nor who I am going to be. I look at the past as the past, and those decisions that I didn't make I don't hold myself to. No one can control the actions of others, we just accept they happened and move on.
     
  13. HairyTXdude

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    ok thanks for the father advice, but my friend is way more important to me!
     
  14. southernstud

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    I bet he is, which is why you must understand that the situations are equiv. on your approach, a change in mindset will help you to rectify what happened with your friend and prevent it from ending up like you father.
     
  15. DiscoBoy

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    Get over it. You'll only cause yourself pain in the future if continue to think this way.

    Well, this changes things up a bit. In the future, avoid putting as much trust into him as you have in the past. Don't set yourself up for disappointment. That, however, doesn't mean that you should throw the friendship away. Just choose a friend who has proven to be more reliable when you need something done for you.

    He's being an ass. Some guys just can't handle the feeling of guilt, so they pull shit like this. I say you keep away for a couple of days, so that you can both cool off. When you think you're both ready, just start acting normal again. You can try discussing the situation again, but if you get a negative reaction, just let it go.

    But overall, don't forget:
    Also, listen to what everyone's telling you about your father. It's great advice and you'd be an idiot to ignore it. Hate accomplishes nothing.
     
  16. HairyTXdude

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    I guess that is what i am trying to do...but it doesn't seem feasible
     
  17. NOINRI

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    Time to pull up your big boy pants and get over it. We all go through stuff. We all get lied to.

    I have a friend that sounds like you and the dramatics get old very fast. He can't let stuff go. He wants to discuss and dissect meaningless situations/events/actions/nonsense whether it's concerning his feelings or mine when I'm just fine starting anew and not giving lesser stuff the energy. It's a real put off and we stop talking for days, weeks, if not months because of his hurt feelings and my lack of caring to try anymore to "mend his boos boos".

    I suggest you stop before you have no one to make promises to you anymore that they may or may not break.
     
  18. southernstud

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    Tex, it's feasible, it's just a change in though pattern, which takes time. Just try to meet up with him again...just to chill, it's like mending a crack in a wall, you notice it, you fill it, then you spend time making sure it's never noticed again.

    The filling is the hardest part. You already noticed a crack in the relationship, now comes the filling. You have to work with him to fill in the crack with whatever helped create the void, work towards rebuilding that trusting bond, then when the time is right the crack will be totally filled, sanded, and repainted as if it was never a problem, and the only one would would ever know was you. Spending time trying to find the slightest clue it was there, then realizing how much effort it took to find the flaw in comparison to appreciating the intact wall.
     
  19. HairyTXdude

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    He's the only person I can trust and rely on...
     
  20. DiscoBoy

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    :frown1:

    Maybe your friend is finding you a tad overbearing. If he's the only you can trust and rely on, then that means you're always looking to him for support. I'm assuming he's around your age, so he's young, and it's almost as if he's "tied down". People rarely want to feel tied down at your age.

    Try to develop stronger relationships with other people.
     
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