How do you get your mind wrapped around the idea....

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by pussnboots, Dec 21, 2009.

  1. pussnboots

    pussnboots New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2009
    Messages:
    100
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    eastern US
    of casual sex without feeling badly about it after wards? Or maybe how do you simply have a FB?

    I'm curious because, at 35, I still can't seem to do this. I want to. Really, I do, but each time I get close, I just can't.

    Example, I met this guy...lol, does it always start out that way? Anyway, he's pretty cool, we've been chatting, talked on the phone, he's a bit arrogant, never had children, two years younger, athletic, funny, smart, and about an hour and a half away. We both have busy lives, but...when he suggested we should be 'friends with benefits' and 'exclusive' I immediately (well, not immediately, I am a bit jaded, I think, about men and their truthfulness so I was willing to give him the rope, if you know what I mean, to hang himself? Sad, but it's hard to trust after being burned a few times) anyway, I began to wonder how many women he had set up in this kind of 'relationship' with such great benefits. I mean, he's busy, he can call me and we can go have sex. He says the same thing to me, I can just call and wow, sex. Or see a movie, or hang out...so that's confusing me too! :rolleyes:

    Sounds good, actually great....then my mind kicks in. I start to think well, he doesn't want to have a 'relationship' with me b/c I have a child, or he's got several women he's screwing, or he's just going to use me! Now the last really gets me because well, won't I be using him as well? So, see my problem?? I just can't get my mind wrapped around this thing. And worse, while I might have thought him sorta brash and a bit of a bragger, now that he's saying the FB thing I'm thinking I like him! More. And then again, not. It's just so damn hard to wrap my mind around 'just sex' and not feel all these confusing and conflicting thoughts.

    I'm screwed. And no, not the way I was wanting.

    I guess what I'm asking after this huge post -- is how do you go into an FB with just that -- the expectation that it will ONLY be an FB?

    sry for such a long post! geesh....:eek: I'm a bit confused, can you tell?
     
  2. Joseph

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2006
    Messages:
    582
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    50
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Poland
    Verified:
    Photo
    your worried, it's allright. SORRY I just saw this and.... I did hear women have more problems going for casual sex...... or maybe it's that they're brains active faster (or at all) unlike guys.

    I'm a virgin (yes, still) but while fantasizing is nice, I really don't think I'd go for casual sex with just anyone, it'd have to be a good friend, whom I know well. The way you sound, it doesn't sound like you know this guy that well... I think that's it...
     
  3. D_Sandy_Krautch

    D_Sandy_Krautch New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2009
    Messages:
    1,250
    Likes Received:
    5
    Well, first of all, let's call sex "hiking". Hiking is fun and it makes you feel good. Hiking is a great way to pass a day with no plans. Hiking is great for blowing off some steam when you're stressed out. Right? Good.

    Now let's say you have a friend named "Bob". Bob is a great guy. You and Bob get along really well. You could never be in a relationship with Bob because Bob is... I dunno... Severely OCD (or something else that drives you insane and is absolutely intolerable). However, Bob is the perfect guy to go hiking with. He's usually free when you are. He goes at the same pace as you. You guys have a lot of fun when you hike together. You and Bob have become great friends and sometimes you go out for lunch after you hike. Maybe you go to a movie from time to time because Bob is a pretty cool guy to hang out with. Going out with Bob does not make your heart swell at the sight of him... because Bob is kinda nuts. You and Bob may even go out a couple of times a week because you have such a good time. People may think you and Bob are dating but you know that you're not. Why? Because Bob is psycho. Bob is good for hiking, and lunch, and a movie... not for marrying.

    See where I'm going with this? You have to be capable of platonic friendships with men to be capable of sexual friendships with men. You also have to be able to separate sex from the things that go along with it when you have a boyfriend. Think of sex as a hobby, or an interest. Like hiking, or bowling, or... antiquing. Whatever it is that you like to do because it's fun and it makes you feel good.

    Then you have to consider the different categories that guys fall into. There are the guys that have no chance, period. They're acquaintances at best. There are the guys like "Bob" who are great guys, but not for you to be with. There are guys that you could probably date for awhile and have a great time with. Still, they're not exactly "marriage material". Then there are the guys who you think you could be in it for the long haul with. For me, the "acquaintances at best" are never an option for a fuckbuddy. The guys who I think have potential for a serious, long term relationship are never options either. Too much risk of screwing that up when you get into a friends with benefits situation (because believe me, guys catch feelings just as much as women do... ugh). So, the options are the "great guys but not to date" or "I could have fun with him for awhile". That way I can pretty much rest assured that I'm not going to fall in love with them but there's still enough attraction to get down :)

    So, maybe this guy just isn't the right guy for that kind of relationship (you'd mentioned that you're thinking you like him "more"). Maybe he is, you just need to make sure that you have your thoughts in order before you go there. Then again, maybe you're just not the type who can build a strong enough wall between sex and romantic feelings. Anyway, I'm sure I'm babbling by now. Hope that helped at least a little.
     
    #3 D_Sandy_Krautch, Dec 21, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2009
  4. pussnboots

    pussnboots New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2009
    Messages:
    100
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    eastern US
    That was very helpful! Love the hiking metaphor! And, no you weren't babbling. I have a lot of male friends, but most are just at work/married and completely off limits. Maybe I need to broaden my base, look for more male friends that like to hang out with and see what category they fall into! LOL, that helps a great deal. And, yes, I think this 'FB potential' is stirring too many 'feelings' so maybe that's why he is not in the right category.

    Thanks for the response! It's helpful. Maybe there is hope for me and casual sex....;)
     
  5. D_Sandy_Krautch

    D_Sandy_Krautch New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2009
    Messages:
    1,250
    Likes Received:
    5
    Haha glad to hear it :) Good luck!
     
  6. nicenycdick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2007
    Messages:
    1,825
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    New York, NY
    I don't think you're babbling at all...and I think you found the perfect way to help her set her boundaries for a FB relationship...if she can.
     
  7. D_Sandy_Krautch

    D_Sandy_Krautch New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2009
    Messages:
    1,250
    Likes Received:
    5
    Good :) I'm glad that all came off how I intended.
     
  8. EllieP

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2009
    Messages:
    7,867
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3,771
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Florida
    Snarky, you're so funny! That was cute.

    I'm not sure if I'm a good person to answer this question, because I kind of feel the same way. Or I mean felt the same way. I certainly don't engage in casual sex anymore. I mean with other people besides my husband. I do have casual sex with him. He'll say "Hey, wanna?" and I say "Sure, why not?"

    Sorry, Puss, getting back to your question. You sound almost exactly like me when I was single again. I had a child and a few relationships. I still didn't count them as casual sex because the relationship was at that stage, if that makes any sense. At least that's what my mind rationalized it to be. He may have thought differently, but I thought there was a thing.

    But what got me thinking is that I really, really like sex. Cap says I have the sex drive of a guy. So, sometimes I wonder if maybe it was me using the guy instead. I never felt guilty, but something just didn't sit right. Like there wasn't a final act written, you know. "Is that all there is?" "Is this how the rest of my life will be?" Those were tough questions when he'd leave my house.

    But I never had a guy propose the friends with bennies thing. I don't think I would have been able to handle that.

    I hope you find a good place, Darling. You sound like a nice person who deserves good coming your way. I hope it does soon.
     
  9. pussnboots

    pussnboots New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2009
    Messages:
    100
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    eastern US

    You're right about the knowing someone. I'd never just up and pick a guy up at a bar/or where ever. It's not safe. I don't think it's safe for anyone, but some people enjoy it, so each their own. Right?

    Our brains are faster than guys? lol, maybe! ;) just teasing, thanks for the reply!
     
  10. pussnboots

    pussnboots New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2009
    Messages:
    100
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    eastern US

    Thanks Ellie!

    I've also had relationships, or as you said, I thought they were, even if in the end they didn't turn out to be more. It's sad, but many guys will look at a mom with a child as a 'casual sex partner' but nothing more. I avoid those kinds like the plague! Sometimes they're easy to spot, but other times...well, the games you know? I think maybe some, if I think back on a few now, were all about the sex, but put out they wanted the relationship, maybe they knew I wouldn't go for just the sex. I look too...'wholesome' 'a keeper' and 'nice' if that makes sense?

    Anyway, the hiking metaphor works, but only in my head. I have yet to test the theory. I suppose I want both, the idea of it being more, (relationship) but I also don't want the lies, the games and all that so I was thinking simply casual would be better....It's a tough thing being like this!!! I feel like that stereotypical woman, wanting it both ways! lol! And I am so not into lying, games and drama. I just want ...well, SEX would be freakin' nice! But the warmth, comfort is ...well, maybe that's more important? Not sure. There's more of my problem. Ahhhhh, confusion. Maybe it all depends on what time of month!?

    Thanks for your reply Ellie -- you're a great person. Keep up the fun/thoughtful/helpful posts!
     
  11. need2bsexy2

    need2bsexy2 Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2009
    Messages:
    571
    Albums:
    7
    Likes Received:
    121
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Denver (CO, US)
    "I hope you find a good place, Darling. You sound like a nice person who deserves good coming your way. I hope it does soon."

    It doesn't sound like you are a good fit for a FWB situation. You, like most women, have an emotional and spiritual connection to intimacy. That is fine, just accept it and move on. Don't try to do anything that you are uncomfortable in doing.

    I have been married for 42 years and I am a man whore. I have fucked 13 women since I got married. Many of them them brought me temporary pleasure, some didn't. Do not dismiss the emotional and spiritual connections. If you are uncomfortable, don't do the FWB thing at all.
     
  12. AlteredEgo

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2006
    Messages:
    14,460
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    6,559
    Location:
    United States
    FWB and "exclusive", are mutually exclusive in my opinion. How can it be casual, and exclusive? It sounds like he's an asshole who wants to tie you down to himself, without actually committing anything to you. My gut tells me you'd be the only one keeping it exclusive.
     
  13. pussnboots

    pussnboots New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2009
    Messages:
    100
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    eastern US

    Thanks AlteredEgo. I hadn't thought of that....

    btw, what does FWB mean? FB means Fuck Buddy, but...Fuck With Buddy?? lmao...I am thinking that's not it....
     
  14. D_Sandy_Krautch

    D_Sandy_Krautch New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2009
    Messages:
    1,250
    Likes Received:
    5
    It means friends with benefits :) and I'm going to have to agree with Altered. I didn't even catch that. Sounds like trouble to me.
     
  15. 3664shaken

    3664shaken New Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2007
    Messages:
    611
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Teenie Weenie Hell
    Snarky gave a good analogy but it also depends upon your psyche and how you handle things when you have shared your body with a man. Some women I know go all ga-ga because that is such an intense and private thing that it is supposed to be special.

    I don't get that, but that's me. I don't WANT a relationship other than friends, I don't have time, I get bored with the same man, I want adventure, etc. I have basically gone the FWB and boy-toy route for almost 20 years and love it.

    I don't view sex as this mystical emotional bonding experience that is to be shared with only a couple of people. Sex to me is more of a sport (hiking, racquetball, whatever) it's to be done with other people, many times in groups because team sports are more fun.

    How do you become like I am, I don't think you can change your psyche, either you are this way because of DNA or through some shitty experiences in life (I'm both of those btw).

    If FWB is not for you then rejoice in who you are - the grass is not any greener, enjoy your own special yard and make the most of it.
     
  16. pussnboots

    pussnboots New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2009
    Messages:
    100
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    eastern US
    Thanks 3664shaken, that's great advice. Yeah, the back yard thing, hard to remember that, but I should. ;)

    Was it Popeye that said, 'I yam what I yam?"

    But team sports sex...that sounds wicked cool!
     
  17. Patchos

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2006
    Messages:
    2,430
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Australia
    In my opinion, a fuck buddy should not be a person you hang out with. That's what a boyfriend is for. A fuck buddy should come over, fuck you, and leave. By hanging out/being friends, you are creating emotional attachments to these guys.

    My FB's are guys that I want to have sex with, but don't want to or can't date. I like them enough to want them in my bed.

    I also mention other men in front of my FB's so they know where they stand. I have more than one FB so I don't get too close to any of them.

    If I start developing feelings for a guy, I tell them and if they don't want to take it further I stop sleeping with them.

    So my advice is to separate sex from any kind of relationship. Go hang out with your friends if you want company, keep the FB for when you want someone in your bed.
     
  18. D_Sandy_Krautch

    D_Sandy_Krautch New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2009
    Messages:
    1,250
    Likes Received:
    5
    Isn't there a difference between a FB and a bootycall though? To me, what Patchos is describing is a bootycall. I think part of being a fuck BUDDY is being a buddy. Have a formed attachments to my FB's? Sure, but not romantic attachments. I don't feel romantic love for any of my FB's. I agree that if you DO develop feelings, it should be dealt with immediately. I am also in the habit of mentioning other men to my FB's so that there is NO misconception. I just think that what Patchos prefers is an entirely different relationship.
     
  19. AlteredEgo

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2006
    Messages:
    14,460
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    6,559
    Location:
    United States
    If that works best for Patchos, so be it. What worked best for me was to have real friends, friends I could never love romantically, and fuck the living daylights out of them whenever we mutually had the time. The first was a terrible father to his multiple children, from multiple mothers. The best was a hedonistic, commitment-phobic nerd with a heart of gold. For me, the fun of building the friendships only served to improve the sex we had. It also meant that I could have a small group of three or four men that I could call anytime, day or night, and they'd be great company, a great lay, and usually, they'd even buy breakfast. I've had sex without any affection. It just doesn't compare.

    For me, the secret lies not in feeling nothing for a fuck-buddy, but in feeling the same thing for a handful of them at a time. That keeps it casual, that keeps it easy to remember why they aren't appropriate for something more serious, and that keeps it fun.
     
  20. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2006
    Messages:
    11,866
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    CANADA
    If it helps, I can't wrap my head aroudn fuck buddies/ friends with benifits either. Well, Friends with benifits I can, because I need to have substance, a connection with the person before I can get hard with them. With Random people, it's very hard.

    Casual sex has never been in my vocabulary, though there are times I wish it was. It basically comes to to mindless, unconnected sex. I need the passion, the rush, the lusting.

    I'm a bit old fashioned.
     
    #20 jeff black, Dec 22, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2009
Draft saved Draft deleted