How do you get your mind wrapped around the idea....

[jeff black]

I mean, he's busy, he can call me and we can go have sex. He says the same thing to me, I can just call and wow, sex. Or see a movie, or hang out...so that's confusing me too!

Sounds good, actually great....then my mind kicks in. I start to think well, he doesn't want to have a 'relationship' with me b/c I have a child, or he's got several women he's screwing, or he's just going to use me! Now the last really gets me because well, won't I be using him as well?

And in this quote, I think I figurd out your confusion. Casual sex/fuck buddies (as others have said) doesn't have any connectors. Fuck buddies/casual sex doesn't imply dating, movies, dinner. It's just come over, hang out and start fooling around.

In regards to using, it's a mutual relationship of using. Give and take. You're both enjoying each other's company.

 

[helgaleena]

FWB is not a relationship unless it is exclusive. I am in FWB with more than one person, and that is what keeps us all free. FB is not a friend. FB is somebody you 'hike' with but do not 'hang' with. And FB is someone whom you must be careful of, as you never know where they have been, or with whom. Safe sex protocols please.

FWB is more likely to let you know if they have been on the prowl and keep you safe by reminding you of the safe sex protocols themselves, because they are also a friend. But even FWB is not anyone you can count upon to be there the day after tomorrow. Things happen unforseen in each of your lives because your lives are not shared.

That said, I do not 'hike' with just anyone. I'd rather 'hike' alone than with strangers.

 

[EllieP]

Snarky gave a good analogy but it also depends upon your psyche and how you handle things when you have shared your body with a man. Some women I know go all ga-ga because that is such an intense and private thing that it is supposed to be special.

I don't get that, but that's me. I don't WANT a relationship other than friends, I don't have time, I get bored with the same man, I want adventure, etc. I have basically gone the FWB and boy-toy route for almost 20 years and love it.

I don't view sex as this mystical emotional bonding experience that is to be shared with only a couple of people. Sex to me is more of a sport (hiking, racquetball, whatever) it's to be done with other people, many times in groups because team sports are more fun.

How do you become like I am, I don't think you can change your psyche, either you are this way because of DNA or through some shitty experiences in life (I'm both of those btw).

If FWB is not for you then rejoice in who you are - the grass is not any greener, enjoy your own special yard and make the most of it.

This sounds like how my husband used to be. Sex to him was just like smoking a joint. It's not something that's accepted by most of society, but he did it when the opportunity arose. I think that's the major difference between he and I or men and women in general: sex to me is a very intimate experience that I prefer to reserve for a very special person. Sex to him is entertainment.

He's still entertained but I'm the exclusive hostess now.

 

[pussnboots]

And in this quote, I think I figurd out your confusion. Casual sex/fuck buddies (as others have said) doesn't have any connectors. Fuck buddies/casual sex doesn't imply dating, movies, dinner. It's just come over, hang out and start fooling around.

In regards to using, it's a mutual relationship of using. Give and take. You're both enjoying each other's company.

Right-- Jack you hit it. He wants more, the movies, the dinner, the hanging out, the Red Sox game...and sex. So, why isn't it then a 'relationship' and not a FB?

And yes, the using would be on both of us...that's why I get so warped on the idea of 'him' using me. LOL, I have to remind myself that, yeah, it would be both of us using the other there chica! ...

or would it be? If he's honest, wants to be friends with benefits, then wouldn't it just be two people enjoying each other?

Ah, I don't know! I think the issue with this particular person is my instincts are warning me I want more, or I will want more. You know? Like when you meet someone, and you just know they have that certain something that can either tie you up in knots or rock your world?

lol, I have done great all day trying to figure this out -- he's asked me if I want to keep in touch, maybe see where this can go...left it up to me, in other words, and after a hike (real one!) for like ever today -- I still don't know what to say to him. I'm very honest though, so most likely I will simply tell him of my worries. I don't want to sound flaky with him or like I am playing games, but sex is more intimate to me than ...well, just about anything, and it's not something I want to jump into (okay, I do, BUT!) with someone that might only want one thing, while bubbling up inside is this idea of me wanting more. I just wish I could live in the moment, and maybe with someone else that didn't 'feel' this way, I could.

I dunno. Again! banging head on desk! lol I sound like I need to go on the Opera show! Life is never more complicated then when I try to mix romance/sex into it.

 

[pussnboots]

He's still entertained but I'm the exclusive hostess now.

LOL --- Good deal girl!! :tongue:

Maybe guys are this way, I don't know. Maybe it's just easier for some people, again, I don't know. I just know it confuses the heck out of me.

What is that stupid saying...oh, yeah, 'careful what you wish for....'

banging head on desk again....

 

[likitisplit]

Well, first of all, let's call sex "hiking". Hiking is fun and it makes you feel good. Hiking is a great way to pass a day with no plans. Hiking is great for blowing off some steam when you're stressed out. Right? Good.

Now let's say you have a friend named "Bob". Bob is a great guy. You and Bob get along really well. You could never be in a relationship with Bob because Bob is... I dunno... Severely OCD (or something else that drives you insane and is absolutely intolerable). However, Bob is the perfect guy to go hiking with. He's usually free when you are. He goes at the same pace as you. You guys have a lot of fun when you hike together. You and Bob have become great friends and sometimes you go out for lunch after you hike. Maybe you go to a movie from time to time because Bob is a pretty cool guy to hang out with. Going out with Bob does not make your heart swell at the sight of him... because Bob is kinda nuts. You and Bob may even go out a couple of times a week because you have such a good time. People may think you and Bob are dating but you know that you're not. Why? Because Bob is psycho. Bob is good for hiking, and lunch, and a movie... not for marrying.

See where I'm going with this? You have to be capable of platonic friendships with men to be capable of sexual friendships with men. You also have to be able to separate sex from the things that go along with it when you have a boyfriend. Think of sex as a hobby, or an interest. Like hiking, or bowling, or... antiquing. Whatever it is that you like to do because it's fun and it makes you feel good.

Then you have to consider the different categories that guys fall into. There are the guys that have no chance, period. They're acquaintances at best. There are the guys like "Bob" who are great guys, but not for you to be with. There are guys that you could probably date for awhile and have a great time with. Still, they're not exactly "marriage material". Then there are the guys who you think you could be in it for the long haul with. For me, the "acquaintances at best" are never an option for a fuckbuddy. The guys who I think have potential for a serious, long term relationship are never options either. Too much risk of screwing that up when you get into a friends with benefits situation (because believe me, guys catch feelings just as much as women do... ugh). So, the options are the "great guys but not to date" or "I could have fun with him for awhile". That way I can pretty much rest assured that I'm not going to fall in love with them but there's still enough attraction to get down

So, maybe this guy just isn't the right guy for that kind of relationship (you'd mentioned that you're thinking you like him "more"). Maybe he is, you just need to make sure that you have your thoughts in order before you go there. Then again, maybe you're just not the type who can build a strong enough wall between sex and romantic feelings. Anyway, I'm sure I'm babbling by now. Hope that helped at least a little.

that's just alsum! in that perspective you can take your buddy for a walk, go jogging, go bowling.

 

[UnofficialGirl]

i'm 18, so i dunno really. i guess i just know that sex is something natural and normal that people do, and like it's natural to want it, and when there's a mutual attraction and you both want sex, why not? i've never thought of sex as a huge deal, so i dunno it's not that hard for me. it all depends on your attitude and the other person's attitude

 

[Titsdude21]

Trick is this.

Dont stay the night, call em up, see a movie, fuck em, leave!

Dont do any of the things u would do with a bf. And most importantly fuck other guys as well, or at least try to pick up.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Right-- Jack you hit it. He wants more, the movies, the dinner, the hanging out, the Red Sox game...and sex. So, why isn't it then a 'relationship' and not a FB?

Because he doesn't think he wants a girlfriend. If he didn't also want exclusivity (which is a complete dealbreaker for any possibility of anything casual and light) I'd say he sounded like fun. Since he wants exclusivity, ,I say he sounds like a hosebag.

Ah, I don't know! I think the issue with this particular person is my instincts are warning me I want more, or I will want more. You know? Like when you meet someone, and you just know they have that certain something that can either tie you up in knots or rock your world?

Of course you'll want more, especially if he's the only dude you're seeing. But he won't likely give you more. He'll have everything he wants from you, won't have to share you, and he'll make the same arrangement with someone else. When you catch him lying, he'll blame you, and remind you that you aren't his girlfriend.

-- I still don't know what to say to him. I'm very honest though, so most likely I will simply tell him of my worries. I don't want to sound flaky with him or like I am playing games, but sex is more intimate to me than ...well, just about anything, and it's not something I want to jump into (okay, I do, BUT!) with someone that might only want one thing, while bubbling up inside is this idea of me wanting more. I just wish I could live in the moment, and maybe with someone else that didn't 'feel' this way, I could.

You are one put-together woman. I see nothing wrong with explaining your concerns to him, but do be prepared for him to be ready with slick talk for you. Based on this paragraph, I'd say you don't really want to have casual sex, even if you like the idea of it. Why push yourself in that direction if it's only going to cause you discomfort?

 

[Gillette]

Altered Ego is right.

I'll add that three hours roundtrip travel time is by itself too much investment for something casual. It's one thing if you're travelling already and since he's there, whoopee!, but if you're travelling specifically for the sex and the commute lasts longer than the sex itself it's really not worth your time.

 

[imminda]

I'm agreeing with almost everyone on here, and there are many. Weird. I was in a long term exclusive relationship, in between sleeping with everyone I felt like. Mind you, I was in college in the 80's and there were no rampant diseases. I know this is just me, but I like sleeping with guys with no strings. Because that not only gives him freedom, it gives me freedom.

That said, virtually all of the guys I have had long term FB status, I end up a little in love with. I think with most women, that happens. We can't give up our bodies to someone who doesn't matter. We have too much to lose.

Two of those relationships were longer term. Years. And while there was never the implication of exclusiveness, for me, they were. I always had the option of going elsewhere, but just didn't find the "one" that would have made me end those FB situations. They were there for sex, phone calls, chatting online, etc, but they weren't guys I hung around with. I think that would have made it more of a bf/gf thing, and neither of us wanted that.

The one thing I noticed you said in the OP was that you were worried he had this setup with other people too. I think that is a valid concern, considering how far you are apart, but too, what made you feel this way? I guess that tells me you don't trust him, and frankly, that's a bad way to start anything.

 

[pussnboots]

Altered Ego is right.

I'll add that three hours roundtrip travel time is by itself too much investment for something casual. It's one thing if you're travelling already and since he's there, whoopee!, but if you're travelling specifically for the sex and the commute lasts longer than the sex itself it's really not worth your time.

I agree. I think the investment into this was all going to be on me. None on him. That was where I was feeling the 'using me' vibe, maybe.

thank you!

 

[pussnboots]

The one thing I noticed you said in the OP was that you were worried he had this setup with other people too. I think that is a valid concern, considering how far you are apart, but too, what made you feel this way? I guess that tells me you don't trust him, and frankly, that's a bad way to start anything.

thank you for sharing your experiences! I think, to answer this part, that I just simply think he is too...slick? LOL, terrible way to describe a guy. He had the answers to things I'd not asked yet. Not like he was saying them because they were actually true, but because...well, he thought I'd like to hear them? so it all didn't ring true. Does that make sense?

 

[pussnboots]

He doesn't want a FB or a FWB, he wants a sex doll that follows his rules and keeps her mouth shut.

My best advice to you, as someone who has had both at some point or another, is to forget this guy (or buy him a doll if you're feeling particularly nice) and set your own idea of what each of these terms mean to you. If someone can't meet those ideas without trying to add their own restrictions, then it isn't going to work, and one or other of you will end up getting hurt needlessly.

LOL! Oy, great advice! I buy it. I'm sold. LOL, really, I think the doll is a great idea, but I'll save that for if he calls again...lol! I think just letting it go, because, well, A) I don't want to be hurt, and B) I don't trust him, and C) he isn't proposing a FB or a FWB, so no go....

But I am still hopeful, maybe someone else, or better yet, maybe just get my ass out there and start mingling....that might be the best thing to do, instead of thinking I can mix sex with NO relationship....lol, maybe I need the blow up doll??? lol! Do they make those in like Hugh Jackman size??? :wink:

 

[AlteredEgo]

male love dolls

 

[imminda]

Maybe just keep an open mind for the future, and if he brings it up again, tell him to call you ahead of time when he's coming to town. See what happens. I'd certainly not turn down sex in this case, I'd just turn down his rules. He can go pound sand as far as that's concerned.

 

[pussnboots]

Okay, so update. And thank u everyone for all your input/suggestions.

So, guy number one, I gave him a nice bye and said we'd keep in touch, this was like weeks ago, probably after or during my first post.

Now, I've joined one of those sites, and guess what??? Again I meet the guy that seems to want more, and not just a FB or FWB thing!!!

I think it's me. I look sweet, nice, normal (whatever the hell that is!!) and men once they see me think either more than sex or that they have to ACT like they want more than merely sex! Even if I am like, well, sex sounds good! Bear with me here, it's been a long, long time - so I am trying here to have sex, if I'm attracted, and they are safe all that....well, okay it's more than that. Thus my issues! ggggrrrrr

LOL but maybe, just maybe it's me. I might want more even if I fantasize about just sex! I really was trying for the 'hiking' but the men I meet seem to shove it into ...more. And maybe they are getting some unspoken cue from me that I need more? lol, who knows. Just weird as hell!!!

My New Year resolution? Work on this aspect of my life.

 

[helgaleena]

You may be like me, puss. People seem to know how I am feeling before I do sometimes. I have the exact opposite of a poker face, muwahaha.

It's not wrong to want more. it shows that your soul recognizes the power and numenous importance of sex in human lives. i've been twitted here for thinking sex is holy, but we are a holy species, we are.