How Do You Make People Go Away?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by goodwood, Nov 25, 2007.

  1. goodwood

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    Forgive this post, but it is done in a moment of panic.
    I just received an e-mail from my parents reminding me that my birthday is on Monday a week from tomorrow.
    I have always hated my birthday and want forget about it and wish others would do the same.
    This parental e-mail was for lunch on Monday. I have long ago been distanced from my parents. They were distant to me as a child without a thought. They were happiest in the Studio 54/club set while posing as the dutiful country house family upstate.
    I liked my parents best when they were models on the catwalk or getting ready for glamorous parties. That made sense to me. That I could understand. On the catwalk or in a club they were doing something which needed to be done.
    I begrudgingly attended the cocktail parties as the cute child that was well dressed and said nothing but smiled and was charming and was sent back to the hotel room alone.
    I realize that people have endured horrific abuse as children and I know about being beaten as a child so I don't mean to sound stupid.

    As an adult I decided that my parents were not people that I would want to know, knowing what I know about them. It seems as though when they figured that out they realized they were extraordinarily inept parents and thought they might try to be 'good' parents in my adult life.
    I could not want anything less. It causes me tremendous stress to be obligated to spend three days a year with them at Christmas and if I could get out of that I would be more relieved than anyone here can imagine.
    The thing is that things have gone badly for me financially and even though I just asked them for help and they said "no." I wonder if I still oblige them with at least Christmas. Birthday?
    That having been said, I know how they change their wills and wonder if I have to do this to MAYBE inherit later.
    The fact is I have been held hostage by them my entire life and I am tired of it. So I will RSVP no birthday lunch just because and hope I can have some out of town 'interview' or party that I have to be at. Jesus Christ. Never put yourselves above your children would be the moral of this pathetic story.
    Sorry to bother. But there you go.
     
  2. The Dragon

    The Dragon New Member

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    Goodwood sweet heart,
    I would do as you yourself suggested and "be out of town"
    I have had nothing to do with my parents for many years and that includes christmas.
    It has been the best decision I have ever made.
    Life is more alot calmer and less stressful.
    Blood is NOT thicker than water.
    Do as you feel you must and don't let guilt enter into it.
     
  3. B_NineInchCock_160IQ

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    Short answer to the subject heading: 9mm and a shovel works for me, though some would go with a .355 and a woodchipper.

    More thoughtful answer to your question: If you've really thought this over and are sure you don't want them in your life (and are you really sure? That's a pretty big decision)... just tell them so. What are they going to do? Not speak to you again?
     
  4. bottombuddy

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    Such A Shame That They Think They Can Hold A Gun To Your Head To Inherit Their Estate,etc......if I Had Your Shoes Id Visit Them Whenever You Had Time And Not On Birthdays,xmas,etc And Only If You Felt You Wanted To.....im Sure That Despite Financial Difficulties You Will Pull Through To Make Some Security For Yourself.......the Fact They Said "no" To You When You Needed Help From Them Is Testament To How They Really Feel For You As A Son.......sadly I No Longer Have My Parents But Although I Didnt Have To - I Would Have Only Had To Say I Had A Difficulty - And I Would Have Been Helped Instantly (no They Werent Wealthy).......if You Do Make Any Effort Do It At A Time To Suit You And Dont Worry About Material Possessions That May Or May Not Come Your Way In Future...work At Building Your Own Life And Dont Let Their Estate Bother You In The Slightest.
     
  5. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    If you have nothing to gain from them ie; the will,then why bother with them at all?
    It causes you untold stress,you don't like them, and theyr'e not willing to help you even now.
    I think you know the answer to this,don't go. If they were trying to make up for being inept at best,they would be helping you now when you need them.IMO.
    cigarbabe:saevil:
     
  6. goodwood

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    Thanks Dragonfly.
    If it were that simple.
    They have tracked me for years and one year when I was out of town and did not report back, they called the state police of Pennsylvania to report me missing (no 24 hour deal either). My hosts were alarmed to receive a call from the state boys with instruction that I make a call. I don't have legitimate other plans (which I shouldn't have to plan a trip to fucking Tibet to get out of seeing them) and they will know this or will find out.
    I wish I had a place to hide out with my two year old black lab Boris and turn off the mobile. Sigh.
    Thanks again.
     
  7. bottombuddy

    bottombuddy Member

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    You Can Always Get A Restraining Order Against Them Through The Courts To Stay Away From You......or Move To Scotland And Change Your Name Via Deed Poll.they Wont Track You Then ;)
     
  8. goodwood

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    9" - I am sure that I want them to behave decently as they insisted of me. But they were exempt. They were out of control heir/heiress and behaved badly and still were well taken care of. They did not behave well or fiscally responsible yet yet the coffers opened for them and they expected it. Fuck me for being an apple that did not fall far from the tree. Save I was not model worthy.
    Buddy - thank you for your kind words. Your parents are the kind of parents I want to be for my children. It is nice to know that such parents as yours existed/do exist.I am not very familiar.
    babe - you make a good point. But when a deccsion is made when future funds are at stake it had better damned well be thought out. And I am not able to think this out well. All I know is that I don't want to see them for my birthday or really - at all.
     
  9. viking1

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    I don't know what to tell you goodwood. I am sorry to hear about your situation. You seem to very a very sincere and supportive person.
    It seems to always be the good guys who get the bum deal.
     
  10. Principessa

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    Unfortunately NIC_160IQ's short joke answer is correct.
    They are your parents, you cannot 'make them go away.' IMO, It's just not that simple. Your idea to run away is more easily executed.

    How Do You Make People Go Away?
    Forgive this post, but it is done in a moment of panic. What are friends for, go ahead vent. I just received an e-mail from my parents reminding me that my birthday is on Monday a week from tomorrow.Take a breath, let it out, continue breathing. :smile: I have always hated my birthday and want forget about it and wish others would do the same. What did they do to you on your birthday that makes you hate it so today?

    This parental e-mail was for lunch on Monday. *SNIP*I begrudgingly attended the cocktail parties as the cute child that was well dressed and said nothing but smiled and was charming and was sent back to the hotel room alone. Hey, at least you got to spend the night in a nice hotel. :cool: I was forced to play the piano for their important friends. This sometimes ocurred at 3:00 AM which meant I had sleep in my eyes and my jammies on while I played Beethoven for a dozen or so drunken adults who had popped in for breakfast after the club.

    I realize that people have endured horrific abuse as children and I know about being beaten as a child so I don't mean to sound stupid. I hear you, we all have our crosses to bear.:frown1:

    As an adult I decided that my parents were not people that I would want to know, knowing what I know about them. It seems as though when they figured that out they realized they were extraordinarily inept parents and thought they might try to be 'good' parents in my adult life. Does it bother you that they are trying to make up for their past? Or are you angry that it took them too long to realize that they had anything to make up for?:confused:I could not want anything less. It causes me tremendous stress to be obligated to spend three days a year with them at Christmas and if I could get out of that I would be more relieved than anyone here can imagine. I'd love to see our parents in the same room. I bet our moms are birds of a feather. :tongue:



    The thing is that things have gone badly for me financially and even though I just asked them for help and they said "no." I wonder if I still oblige them with at least Christmas. Birthday? This is the most important thing you have written in this post! All you have to do is e-mail a response that reads as follows:
    Dear Mom & Dad, Thanks for reminding me. :smile: I have been so busy I almost forgot! I would love to be able to see you on my birthday however, as you well know, I am currently in a state of financial embarrassment and will be unable to be with you at this time. Fear not I have a few irons in the fire and with any luck this time next year things will be much better. Thanks so much for understanding.
    Best Regards,
    GoodWood


    That having been said, I know how they change their wills and wonder if I have to do this to MAYBE inherit later. From what you have said in other threads . . .YES! :rolleyes: You do have to do this to inherit. The fact is I have been held hostage by them my entire life and I am tired of it. So I will RSVP no birthday lunch just because and hope I can have some out of town 'interview' or party that I have to be at. Can you make it breakfast so that it doesn't break up and ruin your entire day? Jesus Christ. Never put yourselves above your children would be the moral of this pathetic story. Is that what they did, or did they put money and the pursuit of money first? :confused: I don't have all the facts so I'm just asking based on what I've read here.
    Timothy 6:10 - For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
     
  11. goodwood

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    Ta-DAH!
    Just returned parents' e-mail to tell them that having been anorexic that lunch is not appealing, that birthday I have always hated and that if lunch was what was desired then there were 365 days a year to do that and my birhtday would not be a good day to do that.
    I went on to say that Christmas was the most horrific family time and that U did not enjoy that, that after spending time with them at Christmas I begged friends for prescription drugs and drank heavily and would like a prescription free, drink free, STRESS FREE holiday.
    Well....anyone want to put me in their will? LOL. (you think I am joking)
    I said what has needed to said for many years. they didn't want to hear it when I was a child and still don't. Oh well. they heard it. FM. I am done.
     
  12. The Dragon

    The Dragon New Member

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    and now I guess you go and batten down the hatches and wait for "all hell to break loose"...take the phone off the hook,turn off all the lights,lock all the doors, pull the shades, snuggle up on the sofa with Boris and get as drunk as a lord.....you deserve it Dear Thing.
     
  13. earllogjam

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    If your parents are already dead to you none of my words will mean anything, and you might as well disregard what I wrote here.

    But realize that your parents are people, vulnerable to mistakes, cruelty, ignorance and yes bad judgement. They may have been horrible parents but they are not the same people as they were 20 years ago. I doubt you are also.

    At this point in your life as a grown adult man it seems they are the ones who need YOU more than you need them. I don't think they can right all the wrongs they have inflicted upon you in the past but it seems your hatred towards them is blinding you to some opportunity to resolve some unfinished business and gain some clarity and peace in your life.

    Rejecting their attempts to reconnect with you in a meaningful way seems like a missed opportunity to patch some hurt up before they die. Denying them the chance to speak their peace and perhaps apologize to you seems cruel and unbecoming of a grown adult man. Maybe you need to step up to the plate and do something your parents just don't have in them. Maybe you need to be the responsible one now. Maybe this is not about you anymore. Maybe it's not about taking and expecting anymore, but about giving and providing. Maybe it's about giving people a second chance, about forgiving.

    You will need to take the initiative for the resolution or closure to your relationship with your parents. If you run from it as you are now, it will haunt you for the rest of your life.
     
  14. Mr Ed in Mass

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    Good wood,I'm glad you found the strength to tell them you won't be attending.While what earlogjam said is true,it may not be the way, you want to travel. If things are resolved about the will excluding you,and
    it makes you so uncomfortable,being around them,don't!
    Not everyone deserves another chance.
    when you want to run away to Boston,I'll be happy to have you!
    Best wishes in dealing with them, and don't feel guilty,it's such a waste of energy.
    hugs,
    cigarbabe:saevil:
     
  15. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    I tend to think Earl is right in this because I've had to forgive my parents. I have a saying: The hardest part of growing-up is accepting the shortcomings of our parents. In other words, discovering they aren't monolithic paragons of anything. They're just people with insecurities and problems; things they usually hide from their children at all costs.

    Until we can accept their shortcomings, we really don't become adults ourselves. We're perpetually children, constantly seeking approval or taking out our anger with them in childish manners. This sort of forgiveness is a selfish thing in many ways because it benefits us far more than it benefits our parents. And from it, we come to be more aware of ourselves and how we are like our parents.

    I'm not saying it's an easy step, nor a quick one. Ultimately though it makes us better people because we become compassionate to the very people who have sometimes hurt us the most.
     
  16. AlteredEgo

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    Forget the will. Be happy.

    If possible, find a way to accept them as people, and if at all possible, forgive them. Doing either of those things does not have to mean that you have a relationship with them unless you want to. But either way, forget the will. The will is unimportant. Not only because you don't need to be in their lives against your own volition, but because wills are not legally binding and can be challenged after they die if you don't like what they wrote.
     
  17. Principessa

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    I once got rid of a guy who was a little too clingy & needy for me by saying I thought it would be great if we raised our future children in my faith. :biggrin1:
     
  18. SpoiledPrincess

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  19. headbang8

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    Goodwood,

    My heart goes out to you.

    Don’t assume that because you were abused through emotional neglect that your pain is less than being abused through emotional violence. In my observation, neglect often can be more damaging than active abuse. At least when they’re yelling at you, you have their full attention.

    In any case, the die is cast. They may write you out of the will. You might find that you’ve shocked them into examining the relationship, and they will attempt to reconcile. Whatever. No matter what the inheritance costs you, it was worth it.

    A new stage of life has begun, where your relationhip with your parents plays a smaller and smaller role.

    That’s harder than you think.

    Hating your parents was a big part of your life. A necessary part, for a while. That hate helped you realize that their lessons held little value for you. Wrenching a child away from what his parents taught him ain’t easy. Hate, a powerful drug, served its purpose. Mission accomplished.

    Unfortunately, hate takes a lot of energy. And hatred isn’t a pleasant emotional neighbourhood in which to live, long term. So you need to get rid of it.

    What’s the strongest antidote for hate? It surprises many to learn that the opposite of hatred is not love. If love were the opposite of hate, we wouldn’t be able to have a love-hate relationship, where both existed at the same time, in the same space, with equal ferocity.

    No, the opposite of love is indifference. Goodster, you need to get a dumptruck full of indifference and spread it around the yard—maybe then, some nice, healthy, living things can take root. You sure ain’t indifferent to your parents, yet.

    How do you get indifferent to your parents? Time helps. Tears help. But the preferred route is forgiveness.

    When you forgive somebody, you implicitly say that the past is less important than the future. And making a painful past feel less important—less central in your life and headspace—is the immediate goal, is it not? One always grants forgiveness from a position of strength.

    Jason has written to you about forgiveness. Pecker has many wise words to say on the subject.

    Forgiveness doesn’t mean hearts and flowers and hugs and kissing and making up. It doesn’t mean deciding that Mom and Dad were swell people all along, deep down. Hell no.

    To me, it’s simple deteatchment. Accept your neglect as a fact of life that cannot now be changed, and let it go.

    I recall the exact moment I “forgave” my mother. (I think I posted about it here before)

    My mother lives in the Australian state of New South Wales. The Parliament had enacted a law which—beyond trivial events—made it illeagal to hit your kids. Striking your child would be treated as a criminal assault, just as if you struck someone else’s child. Mother was outraged. She fumed and ranted for about ten minutes, till she ran out of steam.

    I coolly replied that I supported the law. I pointed out, in a moderate, even-handed voice, that she and my father had struck us regularly, and I still suffered deeply. I showed her a literal, physical scar that she had left. I let her know that in response to all kinds of innocent cues in my environment, my blood pressure fluctuates widely. I suffer inappropriate adrenaline rushes—almost any human interaction can set off the fight-or-flight response. My natural gait is with head down and shoulders hunched, as though I were being beaten. I didn’t even get to the bit about trouble with intimacy before she interrupted.

    “But we never hit you in the head.” she said. “You can do children permanent damage if you hit them in the head. Nothing’s wrong with it if you hit them elsewhere.”

    Something went ping. OK, Mother. That’s it. Forget it. You will get three telephone calls a year—Christmas, Mother’s Day, and your birthday. They will be short calls. I will send you flowers on those occasions, so you can show all the biddies at the old-folk’s-home, with a convincing oh-look-what-my-son-sent-me charade. I will continue to send your cheque every month, and that’s it. Mother, you’re fired.

    Curiously, that felt like forgiveness. It was certainly letting go of the past.

    You know, the most well-adjusted holocaust survivors tell us that they came to forgive the guards who beat them at the camps. The guards were just doing their job—they had no choice. Maybe they recall the occasional moment of mercy, or even kindness, perhaps.

    OK, it’s forgiven. But do we find these survivors spending holidays with the guards, like the old days?

    Neither should you.
     
  20. goodwood

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    Wow. Thanks everyone for your encouragement, support and advice. I really appreciate it.
    Well...upon awakening this morning I called my sister (who lives with our parents) and told her of the e-mail and she was like "Oh NOOOOOOOOO. This is going to be bad and go over like a pregnant pole vaulter, only way worse."
    I was like "You have got to log into her e-mail and delete that message." So she tried and tried and we couldn't figure out the password. SHIT.
    She finally explained to our mother that in a fit of anger I had mistakenly sent an e-mail of a girl I was breaking up with to her and that she had to delete and couldn't read it, just delete it.
    Umm....I am not hopeful to say the least that my mother would all of a sudden have the respect for her child that has never existed before and so I am just waiting for the shit to hit the fan . UGH.
     
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