How Do You Make People Go Away?

bottombuddy

Experimental Member
Joined
Nov 21, 2007
Posts
469
Media
0
Likes
16
Points
238
Location
Dundee City (Scotland)
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
sounds like your frightened by how they will react................why would u want to delete an email you sent with your adult opinions.........bet you really really want a share of that estate and will let them have a hold over you till they die....................id have walked away years ago.........i loved my parents like i have said before but i have siblings that i cant get along with and after years or indifference towards them i finally cut them off and now im far happier not seeing them..........life shouldnt be so but sometimes just sometimes you've to look after number one (i am not normally selfish thinking)....you have to put yourself first to be strong if someone makes you feel weak........or you will always be going around with your tail between your legs......always at their beck n call,etc...when they say jump-u can say how high mommy......think about it.
 

goodwood

Expert Member
Joined
Aug 18, 2005
Posts
1,750
Media
27
Likes
179
Points
283
Location
Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas
Sexuality
No Response
In the end, money has no bearing. They are completely incapable of logic, reason. They truly believe that they have been excellent parents. Any suggestion to the contrary stirs up a hornets nest. I have never in my life had a conversation with them in which they were calm and thoughtful. I suppose I shouldn't regret sending the e-mail. I have wanted to say what I said for most of my life and well, now they will know - and then proceed to tell me what an ingrate I am, how dare I, I am not thinking clearly and just pretty much insult me and demand that I say I was wrong and apologize to them and then will be childish and be like "FINE. We will be out of your life forever then!" Good grief.
 

Principessa

Expert Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2006
Posts
18,660
Media
0
Likes
135
Points
193
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Female
Goodwood,
My heart goes out to you. As does mine, I know what it's like to feel like you are a marionette or a poodle eternally jumping through hoops for just the tiniest bit of kibble.

What’s the strongest antidote for hate? It surprises many to learn that the opposite of hatred is not love. If love were the opposite of hate, we wouldn’t be able to have a love-hate relationship, where both existed at the same time, in the same space, with equal ferocity. :smile:

No, the opposite of love is indifference.Goodster, you need to get a dumptruck full of indifference and spread it around the yard—maybe then, some nice, healthy, living things can take root. You sure ain’t indifferent to your parents, yet.

How do you get indifferent to your parents? Time helps. Tears help. But the preferred route is forgiveness. <---- So True!

When you forgive somebody, you implicitly say that the past is less important than the future. And making a painful past feel less important—less central in your life and headspace—is the immediate goal, is it not? One always grants forgiveness from a position of strength. Jason has written to you about forgiveness. Pecker has many wise words to say on the subject.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean hearts and flowers and hugs and kissing and making up. It doesn’t mean deciding that Mom and Dad were swell people all along, deep down. Hell no.

To me, it’s simple deteatchment. Accept your neglect as a fact of life that cannot now be changed, and let it go. YES! I still deal with abandonment issues and the aftermath of emotional abuse today. What helped me was a quote by Mary J. Blige, "I blame my mother for nothing; but I forgive her for everything." It has become like a mantra for my wellness.

I recall the exact moment I “forgave” my mother. (I think I posted about it here before)

My mother lives in the Australian state of New South Wales. The Parliament had enacted a law which—beyond trivial events—made it illeagal to hit your kids. Striking your child would be treated as a criminal assault, just as if you struck someone else’s child. Mother was outraged. She fumed and ranted for about ten minutes, till she ran out of steam.

I coolly replied that I supported the law. I pointed out, in a moderate, even-handed voice, that she and my father had struck us regularly, and I still suffered deeply. I showed her a literal, physical scar that she had left. *SNIP*

“But we never hit you in the head.” she said. “You can do children permanent damage if you hit them in the head. Nothing’s wrong with it if you hit them elsewhere.” :eek: OMG! :aargh4::aargh4::aargh4: I am so sorry you had to experience this!:puppy_dog_eyes::puppy_dog_eyes:

Something went ping. OK, Mother. That’s it. Forget it. You will get three telephone calls a year—Christmas, Mother’s Day, and your birthday. They will be short calls. I will send you flowers on those occasions, so you can show all the biddies at the old-folk’s-home, with a convincing oh-look-what-my-son-sent-me charade. I will continue to send your cheque every month, and that’s it. Mother, you’re fired. It's amazing when you get that clarity, it comes out of nowhere.:cool:

Curiously, that felt like forgiveness. It was certainly letting go of the past.

You know, the most well-adjusted holocaust survivors tell us that they came to forgive the guards who beat them at the camps. The guards were just doing their job—they had no choice. Maybe they recall the occasional moment of mercy, or even kindness, perhaps.

OK, it’s forgiven. But do we find these survivors spending holidays with the guards, like the old days? Neither should you.
Excellent advice!
 

goodwood

Expert Member
Joined
Aug 18, 2005
Posts
1,750
Media
27
Likes
179
Points
283
Location
Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas
Sexuality
No Response
Well - the verdict is in. My mother did not do as she said and delete the e-mail, but read it instead and is apparently in hysterics and balling and twisitng the whole thing around to the tune of "He doesn't love me! and blah-blah-blah."
You know - it's pretty simple. I don't like my birthday and I am not a big fan of eating. This is not new information to my mother. Yet every year some big deal has to be made at my birthday and they think that by forcing me to eat will make everything better and I will just "POOF" - like my birthday and like to eat.
What else is not new information is that family Christmas is an unGODLY stressful, anxiety ridden psychosis and I am beyond tired of being subjected to it. So at least she knows now and she can do with it as she will. They always do anyway. And what really makes me mad is that the parents have been like this my entire life - refusing to listen to their children or being respectful of their thoughts and opinions.
What the fuck ever. I think Dragonfly's suggestion of turning phones off, locking the doors and having some drinks is a good one.
 

Principessa

Expert Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2006
Posts
18,660
Media
0
Likes
135
Points
193
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Female
Well - the verdict is in. My mother did not do as she said They never listen to us...:rolleyes: and delete the e-mail, but read it instead and is apparently in hysterics and balling and twisitng the whole thing around to the tune of "He doesn't love me! and blah-blah-blah." OMG!:eek: We have the same mother!:rolleyes:

You know - it's pretty simple. I don't like my birthday and I am not a big fan of eating. You don't like to eat?:eek: Are you anorexic? :confused:Do we need to do a cyber-intervention? :wink: This is not new information to my mother. Yet every year some big deal has to be made at my birthday and they think that by forcing me to eat will make everything better and I will just "POOF" - like my birthday and like to eat. Food is the universal salve that all parents use to heal their adult children. Past the age of 18 there really isn't anything else they can do. When I first told my mother I was depressed (years ago) she told me to sit down and have some lasagna, it would make me feel better. :rolleyes:

What else is not new information is that family Christmas is an unGODLY stressful, anxiety ridden psychosis and I am beyond tired of being subjected to it. So at least she knows now and she can do with it as she will. They always do anyway. And what really makes me mad is that the parents have been like this my entire life - refusing to listen to their children or being respectful of their thoughts and opinions.
What the fuck ever. I think Dragonfly's suggestion of turning phones off, locking the doors and having some drinks is a good one.


At least your parents remember and acknowledge the day of your birth. I would kill for that! I started ordering my own birthday cakes when I was 14 and making them pick them up and pay for it. Otherwise I would never have had anything. :redface:
 

anonimar

Just Browsing
Joined
Sep 4, 2007
Posts
20
Media
0
Likes
0
Points
146
Location
outside west london
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
We're all looking for affirmation from our parents. We're socialized to believe that we must love our parents. But you can only love what you like. If you don't like them, you can't love them, parents or not. So you have to start disabling some switches.

Having said, I would go with Earl on this one. Give it a try. Give it an open-minded chance to see whether things can be fixed. If they can't be fixed, you can always resort to what I said earlier.

Good luck.
 

goodwood

Expert Member
Joined
Aug 18, 2005
Posts
1,750
Media
27
Likes
179
Points
283
Location
Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas
Sexuality
No Response
HI Patsy -
Well, I have been anorexic off and on since I was a teenager. in '99 at my present height I weight 115 pounds. 160 now all is well. So no, I really don't like to eat. It comes and it goes but I am fine. No intervention necessary, but thank you. : )
The fact is that I really don't have very much in common with my parents outside of our art and antique collections and even that isn't something I care that much for anymore. So we are not close. Bif f@#$%*g deal.
A lifetime of disregarding their children and now they want to be some kind of super close family? Sorry folks. Waaaay to little, way too late.
Im' so sorry you had to buy your own cakes! I think everyone here should chip in and send you a fabulous cake on your next birthday. : )
I am going to have a snifter of brandy to calm down and relax.
 

Principessa

Expert Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2006
Posts
18,660
Media
0
Likes
135
Points
193
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Female
Well, I have been anorexic off and on since I was a teenager. in '99 at my present height I weight 115 pounds. 160 now all is well. So no, I really don't like to eat. It comes and it goes but I am fine. No intervention necessary, but thank you. : )
You're welcome! I used to have my own food issues so I recignized the signs. The fact is that I really don't have very much in common with my parents outside of our art and antique collections and even that isn't something I care that much for anymore. We grow up and grow apart, it happens in the best of familys. :redface: So we are not close. Big f@#$%*g deal.
A lifetime of disregarding their children and now they want to be some kind of super close family? Sorry folks. Waaaay to little, way too late.

Im' so sorry you had to buy your own cakes! I think everyone here should chip in and send you a fabulous cake on your next birthday. : ) Okay, but I want butter cream frosting and you have to jump out of it wearing a g-string. :smile::wink:
I am going to have a snifter of brandy to calm down and relax.
You have earned that and a nap as well. What a day!

PS - I love St. Bernard's so if you wake up and he's missing I have him. :tongue:
 

biguy2738

Experimental Member
Joined
Mar 27, 2007
Posts
2,310
Media
7
Likes
22
Points
183
Location
Johannesburg, South Africa
Sexuality
50% Straight, 50% Gay
Gender
Male
Goodwood

I can soooo relate with your feelings about so many issues. I also hate, but I mean hate my birthday and most especially celebrating it, so yes. Mom and I have a good relationship, but as for most of my siblings, yeah right. It's been easy, each time there's a family get together, I have an excuse ready and if it doesn't work, then I leave ultra-early. The result is that we don't see or hear from each other unless there's a gathering where I'm invited and I offer a lame excuse...lame enough so that they can see it for what it is.

I just don't see any point in pretending.

I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and you don't have to feel guilty (I'm saying this in preparation of a possible oncoming guilt trip from them) for feeling the way that you do.

Best wishes.
 

Dave NoCal

Superior Member
Joined
Sep 5, 2006
Posts
2,719
Media
1
Likes
2,572
Points
333
Location
Sacramento (California, United States)
Sexuality
No Response
Gender
Male
Goodwood, most of us have or have had issues with our parents. That's life. It sounds like you got more than your share. Still, you have the rest of your life to live. One thing to consider is whether you deserve to forgive them. Not whether they deserve to be forgiven but, rather, whether you deserve the acceptance and calm that can come with forgiving them. This is easy to write but not easy to do. Still, it's important to understand that most people don't set out to make a mess of things. They do the best they know how and have had their own histories and role models.
As you describe them, your parents sound very narcissistic. One way of recognizing whether that is the case is to consider whether they are basically limited to two feeling states; grandiosity or humiliation. Such people are very limited in their capacity for empathy because it's all about them. If this description fits the bill, it's important to realize that they weren't born this way. Probably at least one of each of their parents also met this description.
The money could be nice but it probably isn't all that important, really, except as a symbol. We can make do with much, much less. What is important is to be able to feel like an adult in relation to them. That's the test of true adulthood, in my opinion, and until you get there you seem to be limited to either running away or feeling like a puppet on a string. Good luck in this. I know it's hard.
Dave
 

goodwood

Expert Member
Joined
Aug 18, 2005
Posts
1,750
Media
27
Likes
179
Points
283
Location
Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas
Sexuality
No Response
Dave, Patsy and Big Guy -
Thank you very much for your insights. Wow.
Patsy - birthday cake with cream frosting. Now when is the big day?
Big Guy - good point about not pretending. My family has pretended my whole life; pretending to the outside world that we are the fabulous family, pretend that we like one another. You're right it is so unnecessary and frankly far too taxing as I get older.
Dave - holy crap. Talk about hitting the nail on the head! Narcissistic - yes.
2 feeling states - yes, those being the correct two you mentioned. About them - absolutely. Their parents - yup. grandiosity for sure. Options - running away or being a puppet on a string has been my life.
You guys are awesome, intuitive and helpful. Thanks again. : ) - Chris
 

goodwood

Expert Member
Joined
Aug 18, 2005
Posts
1,750
Media
27
Likes
179
Points
283
Location
Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas
Sexuality
No Response
And there we go...
e-mail from dear Val (a.k.a. mom) informing me she would no longer be a part of my life.
LOL. I told her that while I appreciated the dramatics and her attempts to emulate her arch-enemy (her mother in law - grandmother) that I was having none of it. If that is how she chose to behave then so be it and I hoped it would make her a happy, fulfilled and grounded person.
Much more to it than that but that is the very short version.
It feels very good to be honest and stand up to a manipulating person.
Earlier today I would have said "Never do that" but tonight I think it is a good way to go.
Tomorrow when I am courriered papers to sign to verify the disownment, I will report back. lol.
 

biguy2738

Experimental Member
Joined
Mar 27, 2007
Posts
2,310
Media
7
Likes
22
Points
183
Location
Johannesburg, South Africa
Sexuality
50% Straight, 50% Gay
Gender
Male
Goodwood, thanks for the update, it's very kind of you.

So many things have gone down so soon, I wonder if you're even able to take all of it in.

A thought: Now that your feelings have been made known to your Mom, how do you plan to move forward? I sense a lot of anger and that alerts me to the pain that you still carry within yourself. So my thinking is, you've broken free of the bonds that tied you (in some way) on an external/getting together kind of level but have you still broken free?

My good wishes are with you, and yes, please do keep us posted.
 

kjguy

Superior Member
Joined
Aug 14, 2007
Posts
236
Media
38
Likes
5,535
Points
423
Location
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Sexuality
50% Straight, 50% Gay
Gender
Male
I haven't read all the posts, but it just makes me sad all around. I long for the day when I'm ready to have children, and I intend to always be there for them. I'm sorry your parents weren't there for you. I'm also disheartened that they will be completely out of your life, even in you situation. Maybe I'm a big family man at heart, and I like to be close with everyone, moreso with siblings, since my parents are both a little nuts and scary sometimes.
 

goodwood

Expert Member
Joined
Aug 18, 2005
Posts
1,750
Media
27
Likes
179
Points
283
Location
Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas
Sexuality
No Response
Hi gang -
Yup. It's official. She flat out said she would never speak to me again. lol.
Well, that's that. Oh well.How will I move forward? With a lot less stress I suppose.
Yes, it is disappointing to treated in such a manner by my parents, but I really can't be surprised. This is how they have behaved toward me my entire life. They have no intention of changing and don't think they should since they feel they have done nothing wrong at all! and that it is MY fault for being a bad son.
So not having that in my life is not a loss.
 

Principessa

Expert Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2006
Posts
18,660
Media
0
Likes
135
Points
193
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Female
Hi gang -
Yup. It's official. She flat out said she would never speak to me again. lol.
Well, that's that. Oh well.How will I move forward? With a lot less stress I suppose.
Yes, it is disappointing to treated in such a manner by my parents, but I really can't be surprised. This is how they have behaved toward me my entire life. They have no intention of changing and don't think they should since they feel they have done nothing wrong at all! and that it is MY fault for being a bad son.
So not having that in my life is not a loss.
Wow! :eek: I am so sorry; but this may be for your better good. I have no doubt that you will be able to pick up the pieces and forge ahead to build a bigger better life for youuself.

Crazy as they may be, I can't imagine my parents totally disowning me.:confused:
 

The Dragon

Sexy Member
Joined
Sep 11, 2007
Posts
5,767
Media
0
Likes
51
Points
193
Sexuality
50% Straight, 50% Gay
I am so pleased for you Chris.
I have never understood people who cling to toxic relationships.
Why hold on to the illusion and the dream that we can all be one big happy sitcom family when in reality, will never happen.