How Do You Make People Go Away?

B_Think_Kink

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Wow, I'm glad that miserably wench is out of your life. Take a deep breath for me sweety and breathe in freedom. Start to rebuild your life without her and build supports in other people.

*hugs and tugs*
Your dog is beautiful.
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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I know that your situation is mostly said and done with, but I wanted to throw my two cents in anyway. My mom told me this once - if you wouldn't have friends treat you that way, then you shouldn't have family treat you that way. Yes, I believe that family is important, but if they aren't a positive constant in your life, then what's the point? The only thing tying you together is the fact that you are related. You really have no responsibility to them.
 

biguy2738

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Goodwood, bud I don't quite think that you understood what I was getting at, so let's give it another try:

What do you think that you will need to do in order for you to close this chapter in your life properly? As in keeping the door shut, but making sure that there are no regrets etc. later on in your life.

You don't have to answer right now...It's just a thought that I'm offering and suggesting that you reflect on.

Please know that my care and concern is with you - despite the anger etc, I know that it's been a difficult and painful experience for you.
 

36DD

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It doesn't sound to me like you are really through with them and can wash your hands of them...you are obviously still hurting by their treatment of you. Visit them when you are ready, and on your terms. I think as long as you still have anger, you still have some deeply buried hope that you will be heard and that they will truly acknowledge and own their mistakes. I think you also would love to hear them ask for your forgiveness not just try to be better parents now. They may never ask, and so it is up to you to forgive. When you forgive them, they will no longer have the hold on you that they have and you will find yourself feeling free to get on with your life. Who knows...maybe you will even develop a real relationship with them one day. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting...it just gives you permission to heal.
 

goodwood

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Oh, HI Big -
yeah, I guess I didn't get what you meant. I have no regrets for saying what I thought and insisted upon being understood. I have no regrets if the door remains closed. I would prefer to have a civil, decent, proper relationship with my parents, but I have wanted that since I was a child and have asked them for that and they refuse. So all I know is that I will no longer be a dancing puppet on a string where they are concerned.
Does that answer it? Or am I still not getting it?
Oh BTW - I was to have moved to Durban in 1995 to be a television news presenter there. But apartheid ended and my well connected Norwegian/Dutch friends fled the country and told me that if I went there I would be stoned upon stepping off the plane. Sigh. They ended up in Connecticut so nice to have had them close by. Dereuss I think their name was. The dad was involved with shipping or something.
Anyway Big - you are very thoughtful. Thank you for that. : )
 

biguy2738

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It doesn't sound to me like you are really through with them and can wash your hands of them...you are obviously still hurting by their treatment of you. Visit them when you are ready, and on your terms. I think as long as you still have anger, you still have some deeply buried hope that you will be heard and that they will truly acknowledge and own their mistakes. I think you also would love to hear them ask for your forgiveness not just try to be better parents now. They may never ask, and so it is up to you to forgive. When you forgive them, they will no longer have the hold on you that they have and you will find yourself feeling free to get on with your life. Who knows...maybe you will even develop a real relationship with them one day. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting...it just gives you permission to heal.

Buddy, I was alluding towards what 36DD is advising...though just not in all entirety. I was loathe to spell it out to you for fear that your emotions would get your back up and you wouldn't hear what I was trying to say. Some truths are best discovered by ourselves...so forgive my being vague. :wink:

When it comes to my relationships - most especially when it comes to my family - I have tried to make sure that if anything happens tomorrow, I will not walk around with guilt or regrets. So when I've closed chapters in my life, I always try to close them properly...and if the other party doesn't allow us to end things on good terms, then I allow myself to close it as best as I can on my side.

I guess that what I'm trying to get at is: Have you considered forgiving your parents? Now before you answer, let's look at what forgiveness means. It doesn't mean that I need to embrace the person into my life, to allow myself to become a doormat or to be all buddy buddy. Some wounds inflicted will always be there to remind us that the person cannot be trusted. I believe that forgiveness means that I let go of my hatred and resentment; that I bear no ill against the other party; that I give both us permission to move on with our lives; that I am able to wish the person all of the best (in my heart) when I think above them and if I am ever to bump into them someday, I am able to look them in the eye, greet that person and to then walk away.

I am suggesting this because you need to forgive them more than they need your forgiveness. They are oblivious to their destructive presence in your life so they will never really know just how much they need forgiveness for...but you do and you are able to do it in order to break free from the bonds of broken history and give yourself permission to live a full and free life.

My father rejected me twice as a child. The first time was when I was five and it left me devastated..from then on I have lived with a fear of men and keep them at a distance. The second time was when I was 20 and my only response was hurt, anger and hatred. I loathed that man. I however realised that by holding onto those feelings, I was living in the past and he continued to have a hold on me. It was around this time when I formulated my own understanding of what forgiveness entails...and I did it. I never contacted him and he never contacted me. He passed away about a month and a half ago.

During most of my adulthood, my siblings tried to force me to go and visit him. I'd always decline but I always tried to explain my reasoning: I cannot trust him enough; I do not want to deal with more pain and rejection; I am deeply aware that he must have had a painful childhood in order for him to make the choices that he has...I do not them against him, but I am unwilling to carry his emotional baggage for him and above all else, I love and respect myself too much to stoop to the indignity of running to him and forcing myself down his throat - "Love me!" "Accept me!" I really didn't need him in order to complete my reality or view of self. They never listened further to my "no".

I was deeply pained by his passing away. Firstly, because regardless, he was my father and he continued to shape me through his absence in my life. Above all else, because he didn't value himself enough to try to seek peace in his dying - it was cancer. I had hoped that he'd reach out to me, not for the sake of having a relationship, but for him being able to die with the knowledge that he had all that it took to right his wrongs. All that he had to do was to reach out to me and I wouldn't have wanted or expected an apology. But he didn't and it saddens me for his sake.

Now after this long spiel, what I'm trying to get at is that he passed away, there was much sadness and regret...but there is no guilt. I regret that he passed away in the way that he did and on the terms that he did, but I do not regret not running after him or any other decision that I made with regard to our "relationship". I am grateful that I reached a place of forgiveness because have absolutely no regrets whatsoever.

This is my wish for you, hence my suggestion for forgiveness. No, I dont think that it's necessary for you to ask them for forgiveness, but I do think that you will be better off if you forgive them. Death happens at anytime, or even illness. I would hate for you to walk around with guilt or regrets. To let go means that I don't love you any less, it means that I simply love myself even more. I have no doubt that you still love your parents and there's nothing wrong with it. You don't have to make any decisions today or even next week. You don't have to forgive them overnight...it's all a process. All that I ask of you today, is to think about what I'm suggesting every now and then, that is all.

Oh, HI Big -
Oh BTW - I was to have moved to Durban in 1995 to be a television news presenter there. But apartheid ended and my well connected Norwegian/Dutch friends fled the country and told me that if I went there I would be stoned upon stepping off the plane. Sigh. They ended up in Connecticut so nice to have had them close by. Dereuss I think their name was. The dad was involved with shipping or something.
Anyway Big - you are very thoughtful. Thank you for that. : )

DAMN, darned Apartheid for ending! :biggrin1::eek: Pity, it would have been great if you were in this part of the world...though who knows, if things were different we may never have had the opportunity to meet over here. One just never knows. :rolleyes:
 

goodwood

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My GOD Big and 36 -
Thank you very much for your kind and thoughtful sharing of your thoughts.
I am truly touched and appreciate the time you spent to share them.
Big - I am truly sorry that things went as they did with your father and that you were so deeply affected by that.
Forgiveness is a necessary thing and a good thing. I thought I have forgiven them. I know how they are and know they will not change ever to be what I want them to be for and to me. I understand this yet I am still surprised by their behavior.
In forgiving them and realizing how they are, I have emotionally distanced them ( I thought, but I could have thought wrong). I have grown up as a pro in witnessing family dynamics and have sen my father disowned and disinherited and my mother disinherited in favor of the servants inheriting. Must be the German thing in play. Germans are cruel even to their own children and families. Kind of like: get with my program or you are done and nothing to me.
So if that happens to me, I will not cry about it. I know I did nothing wrong. I copied my sister on the correspondence with our mother and she called me today to tel me that I was not disrespectful or out of line.
Please remember that given what I have known, seen and experienced forgiveness=no longer in my life.
I do know that I have my own life and look to my parents of examples of how not to be, that I do want to be kind and considerate and when any sign of abuse in any way is evident I RUN the other way and say over my shoulder "Okay then. Good luck to you. Don't call me!"
The consistent advice of forgiveness is very good and I am happy to hear it. But I suppose I am not sure of how to do that the right way. And I hate not doing things the right way. That's all I ever had was 'do it the right way' and be good at it or you are not worthy as a person.
So I really don't know what to say here....
 

Principessa

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How about cats to chase :p
No cats, I'm allergic.


LOL! A catfight? Over me? Yeah baby! YEAH! (just be sure it's on cam, okay?) hehe
I have almost filled the jacuzzi with Jell-O. :tongue:
The consistent advice of forgiveness is very good and I am happy to hear it. But I suppose I am not sure of how to do that the right way. I don't know that there is a right way to forgive. And I hate not doing things the right way. You have to try and let go of that. That's all I ever had was 'do it the right way' and be good at it or you are not worthy as a person. So I really don't know what to say here....[/quote] Hmm, it's weird how eerily alike yet different our families are. I heard the same thing growing up.
 

goodwood

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BTW - did I mention that I like to swin naked and lie in the sun the same way? lol. If I MUST wear something I guess I will suit up with a speedo. Sigh. Anyone know where I can get me one of those? lol.
 

Principessa

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BTW - did I mention that I like to swin naked and lie in the sun the same way? lol. So do I!:cool: If I MUST wear something I guess I will suit up with a speedo. Sigh. Anyone know where I can get me one of those? lol.
Try these on for size. :wink: I think they will bring out the blue in your eyes. :smile:
 

biguy2738

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Thank you very much for your kind and thoughtful sharing of your thoughts.
You're a great guy and you've risked so much by sharing so openly about your life, I just can't help but want to see you in a good place, that's all. :wink:

Big - I am truly sorry that things went as they did with your father and that you were so deeply affected by that.
I appreciate your care and understanding...but PLEASE, hell no! I'm immensely grateful for the way that my life played out. For a start, I know exactly what you mean by the German approach - Dad's German. Enough said. :biggrin1: I've heard enough about his Mom to know that she made Hitler look like a wimp so I can imagine what living hell he grew up in as a child. Could you imagine how much destruction I would have had to live with then? Despite the extreme poverty that we lived in, he in all honesty rolled in the money...as in R-O-L-L-E-D so if things played out differently, I could be self absorbed, narcissistic, destroying dick. I could be a drop out, a drug addict and so many other things. I'd have had to live a reality where he'd lie and manipulate, destroy people, play one sibling up against another etc. for the sake of feeling good about himself. The only sadness that I bear is that he chose to live this reality up until his death, that is all.

Forgiveness is a necessary thing and a good thing. I thought I have forgiven them. I know how they are and know they will not change ever to be what I want them to be for and to me. I understand this yet I am still surprised by their behavior.
I think that some of the surprise stems from our inner child still viewing them in some way as the perfect infallible beings that they were when we were still too young to see how flawed they really are. I think that it also stems from the desire that they may be able to identify their shortcomings and sort themselves out. For them to be the parent and for us to be the children and not vice versa. (I'm speaking about my own experience) :wink:

In forgiving them and realizing how they are, I have emotionally distanced them ( I thought, but I could have thought wrong).
I can relate with what you're saying. I think that to some extent an emotional distance does surface. Through forgiveness one is able to not only transcend the resentment etc. but also oneself. One's taken the high road...done better...become better. Whilst at the same time knowing that "I cannot let you into my life to the same extent that I have in the past because it will only lead to pain, destruction and further resentment." It's a claiming of the peace that one has found, for oneself and knowing that one doesn't deserve anything less.

I do know that I have my own life and look to my parents of examples of how not to be, that I do want to be kind and considerate
...and you are!

The consistent advice of forgiveness is very good and I am happy to hear it. But I suppose I am not sure of how to do that the right way. And I hate not doing things the right way. That's all I ever had was 'do it the right way' and be good at it or you are not worthy as a person.
So I really don't know what to say here....
[/QUOTE]
There is no right or wrong way, there is only YOUR way - and it will be just right. :wink: If you live from your own inner truth and allow it to guide you through your process of forgiveness, I have no doubt in my mind that you will come to the forgiveness that you desire to have.

You know goodwood, the more that you talk, the more respect and admiration I have for you. Don't doubt your beliefs and don't believe your doubts and you'll have everything that you need when you reach inside of yourself.

Best of luck and please know that I'm always here for you if you wanna chat/vent/rant/dig graves/feed people into woodchippers/break kneecaps etc. (I offer a whole variety of services :biggrin1:)