It doesn't sound to me like you are really through with them and can wash your hands of them...you are obviously still hurting by their treatment of you. Visit them when you are ready, and on your terms. I think as long as you still have anger, you still have some deeply buried hope that you will be heard and that they will truly acknowledge and own their mistakes. I think you also would love to hear them ask for your forgiveness not just try to be better parents now. They may never ask, and so it is up to you to forgive. When you forgive them, they will no longer have the hold on you that they have and you will find yourself feeling free to get on with your life. Who knows...maybe you will even develop a real relationship with them one day. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting...it just gives you permission to heal.
Buddy, I was alluding towards what 36DD is advising...though just not in all entirety. I was loathe to spell it out to you for fear that your emotions would get your back up and you wouldn't hear what I was trying to say. Some truths are best discovered by ourselves...so forgive my being vague. :wink:
When it comes to my relationships - most especially when it comes to my family - I have tried to make sure that if anything happens tomorrow, I will not walk around with guilt or regrets. So when I've closed chapters in my life, I always try to close them properly...and if the other party doesn't allow us to end things on good terms, then I allow myself to close it as best as I can on my side.
I guess that what I'm trying to get at is: Have you considered forgiving your parents? Now before you answer, let's look at what forgiveness means. It doesn't mean that I need to embrace the person into my life, to allow myself to become a doormat or to be all buddy buddy. Some wounds inflicted will always be there to remind us that the person cannot be trusted. I believe that forgiveness means that I let go of my hatred and resentment; that I bear no ill against the other party; that I give both us permission to move on with our lives; that I am able to wish the person all of the best (in my heart) when I think above them and if I am ever to bump into them someday, I am able to look them in the eye, greet that person and to then walk away.
I am suggesting this because you need to forgive them more than they need your forgiveness. They are oblivious to their destructive presence in your life so they will never really know just how much they need forgiveness for...but you do and you are able to do it in order to break free from the bonds of broken history and give yourself permission to live a full and free life.
My father rejected me twice as a child. The first time was when I was five and it left me devastated..from then on I have lived with a fear of men and keep them at a distance. The second time was when I was 20 and my only response was hurt, anger and hatred. I loathed that man. I however realised that by holding onto those feelings, I was living in the past and he continued to have a hold on me. It was around this time when I formulated my own understanding of what forgiveness entails...and I did it. I never contacted him and he never contacted me. He passed away about a month and a half ago.
During most of my adulthood, my siblings tried to force me to go and visit him. I'd always decline but I always tried to explain my reasoning: I cannot trust him enough; I do not want to deal with more pain and rejection; I am deeply aware that he must have had a painful childhood in order for him to make the choices that he has...I do not them against him, but I am unwilling to carry his emotional baggage for him and above all else, I love and respect myself too much to stoop to the indignity of running to him and forcing myself down his throat - "Love me!" "Accept me!" I really didn't need him in order to complete my reality or view of self. They never listened further to my "no".
I was deeply pained by his passing away. Firstly, because regardless, he was my father and he continued to shape me through his absence in my life. Above all else, because he didn't value himself enough to try to seek peace in his dying - it was cancer. I had hoped that he'd reach out to me, not for the sake of having a relationship, but for him being able to die with the knowledge that he had all that it took to right his wrongs. All that he had to do was to reach out to me and I wouldn't have wanted or expected an apology. But he didn't and it saddens me for his sake.
Now after this long spiel, what I'm trying to get at is that he passed away, there was much sadness and regret...but there is no guilt. I regret that he passed away in the way that he did and on the terms that he did, but I do not regret not running after him or any other decision that I made with regard to our "relationship". I am grateful that I reached a place of forgiveness because have absolutely no regrets whatsoever.
This is my wish for you, hence my suggestion for forgiveness. No, I dont think that it's necessary for you to ask them for forgiveness, but I do think that you will be better off if you forgive them. Death happens at anytime, or even illness. I would hate for you to walk around with guilt or regrets. To let go means that I don't love you any less, it means that I simply love myself even more. I have no doubt that you still love your parents and there's nothing wrong with it. You don't have to make any decisions today or even next week. You don't have to forgive them overnight...it's all a process. All that I ask of you today, is to think about what I'm suggesting every now and then, that is all.
Oh, HI Big -
Oh BTW - I was to have moved to Durban in 1995 to be a television news presenter there. But apartheid ended and my well connected Norwegian/Dutch friends fled the country and told me that if I went there I would be stoned upon stepping off the plane. Sigh. They ended up in Connecticut so nice to have had them close by. Dereuss I think their name was. The dad was involved with shipping or something.
Anyway Big - you are very thoughtful. Thank you for that. : )
DAMN, darned Apartheid for ending! :biggrin1:
Pity, it would have been great if you were in this part of the world...though who knows, if things were different we may never have had the opportunity to meet over here. One just never knows.