How do you talk about it?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by B_black10inches, May 30, 2005.

  1. B_black10inches

    B_black10inches New Member

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    Ok, my life has gotten real fucked up in the last week. I've had sex with some of my brothas but never told anyone about it. So yeh I want to be honest but I don't know how to talk about this sex stuff with my girlfriend. I'm not sure if I'm bisexual or what the fuck I am so how am I going to explain it to her or someone else? This is the worse thing I ever did get into. I'm feeling sick as hell. If I tell people about all my shyt, I'm real alone in the world. I won't have no family or anything. I'm in the corner & trapped. I'm needing some help.
     
  2. Ineligible

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    I would say that in general it's better not to tell people who won't understand, or burden people with information they would rather not know. So a lot depends on the people you want to tell.

    Do you and your girlfriend have an agreement (spoken or unspoken) of no sex outside the relationship? If you do, she'll see what you have done as breaking that agreement, so you will need to consider what you do in future. She might feel that what you have done is a message that she is not good enough for you, and can't fulfill your needs. If you tell her, you'll need to be able to give her a lot of reassurances.
     
  3. B_hungrick

    B_hungrick New Member

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    Hey Black10, it's just my opinion on this but I think it would be good for you to cool things out for a while. This might not be the best advice. I think that you can't make any decisions if you're stressed and upset. If you can, try to relax and get some perspective on things. I've noticed that with a little time and distance, things begin to sort themselves out. Take care.
     
  4. Sabln7

    Sabln7 New Member

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    Don't talk to anyone until you have had time to sort things out for yourself. You may be bisexual or gay. Or it could have been a one time thing. Give yourself time. You are young, and you don't need to put yourself into a category. Relax. Keep your relationship going with your girlfriend just like it is. Think about the male relationships until you come to a conclusion. At that point, you will be ready to talk to her.
     
  5. Alley Blue

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    What made you decide to have sex with the same sex to begin with? Have you always had the urge?

    When you say "Brotha" do you mean "blood brother" or "friend"?
     
  6. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    I really don't evny you...It would be hard for me to admit something like that to a girlfriend...Luckily the few encounters like that I have had were when I was single and I never felt the need to tell a girlfriend of past relationships period...But lately probably since I have been on this site I have told a couple of girls who I was interested in and was interested in me that I have had an encounter or two w/guys...Crazy thing is the response and conversation was positive w/one chick wanting to jump my bones even more because she said she was turned on by how honest I was...Plus I have told about two male friends to test out the waters because I am to the point that I want to see if these people are really as good friends as I thought and I found out they are because nothing has changed w/our relationships...But I do agree w/everyone when they say you need time to sort out your thoughts and feelings...Good luck...
     
  7. Pappy

    Pappy Member

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    I guess the first thing you should do is figure out exactly what you want in a relationship and if you want that relationship with a male or female. Or if you're going to be a greedy bastard and play both sides of the fence.

    When you say sex, do you mean oral, hand job or full blown ass pounding? Was this before or after you and this girl started dating?

    If it was before you and this girl started dating, I see no reason to tell her about your escapades with others. Now if it was afterwards then shame on you. You need to come clean and tell her and let the chips fall where they may.
     
  8. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    From reading the post - it appears that he was w/his girl friend at the time...The right thing to do probably would be to tell her...I probably would not if I was in your shoes because I would feel terrible hurting someone else's feelings...Luckily I have been single when something like that happened and never felt the need to tell any chick I was dating about it because never even discuss past female and girl friend relationships either...I personally do not need to know someone I am involved with sexual past unless there is a chance it will show up in our future...
     
  9. B_black10inches

    B_black10inches New Member

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    I'm 22 & am in college in NYC but not in my neighborhood. I've been having sex with my black brothas,like my close friends, for years on & off on the DL. We started this in high school. It's been jerking & giving head back & forth. In my neighborhood you don't talk about this shyt. It happens a lot from what I can tell. I'm knowing that this is dishonest & disrepectful to my girlfriend so I'm just saying that I got myself in this fucking mess. If every guy I know told his family about his sex on the side, it would be a crazy scene. I know this is my fault & I'm just trying to make it right.
     
  10. Alley Blue

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    What attracts you to guys? Is it the same attraction that you have to girls?
    How long have you felt this way?
     
  11. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

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    I'm not trying to get preachy, nor am I trying to lay a gulit trip on you, but you came here looking for opinions. I can only give you mine, and this is from the perspective of someone who is openly gay. Let me first stress this: I am not one of those who say, "just because you suck cocks doesn't mean that you need to think about labels." I'm sorry, but in some situations, labels are very helpful in sorting out things; this is one of those situations. Engaging in oral sex with a same-sex partner out of curiosity doesn't necessarily indicate that you are gay or bisexual. Many people tend to be adventurous, and that includes exploring the many facets of one's sexuality. Nor does engaging in gay sexual behaviour where heterosexual contact isn't an option: "any port in a storm" is a reality. Those are not what sex on the DL is. And let me stress that oral sex and mutual masturbation is sex. Actively seeking sexual partners of the same sex, or habitually accepting sexual propositions from those of the same sex, is not normal for someone who is 100% straight. I'm not saying that sex with another man is not normal for you, but I am saying that you're not 100% straight. You are willingly, even eagerly, engaging in overt sexual activity with other men, and it's not a one-time thing. That should tell you something about yourself. It may be hard for you to admit, even to yourself, but it may be tougher to keep lying to yourself: you enjoy sex with men ... you are bisexual or gay.

    What to do about your girlfriend. You're cheating on her. There is no way around it. If you're supposed to be in an exclusive relationship with her, every sexual outing with one of your "DL brothas" (damn, I hate that term; it sounds like a 'gangsta' secret society of ass pirates) constitutes an act of infidelity. Are you obligated to tell her? As a partner in a committed relationship, I would have to say yes. Even moreso if you intend to continue blowing your male friends. She deserves to know what the man she is devoted to is like in his private life. Not to mention, what if you bring home a case of crabs or an STD? If you're not prepared to come clean about this, you're not ready for a committed relationship and it's not fair the lead your girlfriend on. If she's okay with the idea of sharing you, that's a different matter: her consent makes all the difference in the world. You've indicated that this situation is deeply troubling you; do you really think she can't tell that something's up? As a committed partner in a relationship, she's going to want to help you through whatever inner turmoil you're experiencing. By withholding that information, you're denying her entrance into your confidence. That's not a healthy relationship. Cool it until you've made up your mind what you really want. Sorry, dude, but having your cake and eating it too is not the way most relationships work. You have no right to drag her into a situation where you know she's likely to be hurt.

    Of course, this is just my opinion: the ultimate decision is yours. But remember that there are more feelings at stake here than just yours. If you really care for your girlfriend, think about her feelings first and foremost. Either way, there will be pain. Ask yourself, is it better to get the pain over with, or should I prolong it and allow it to escalate? You already know my opinion.
     
  12. Lex

    Lex
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    Being Gay or Bi is like Maturbation--everybody does it--nobody talks about it (or something like that).

    I know it's hard when you are from a community where your interests are frowned upon. DMW, however, hit on some VERY salient points. First and foremost, you must be honest--with yourself--then with your GF. Your GF deserves the truth--but you can only give her the truth once you and true to YOURSELF. Look deep at the man you really are. The man you are when you are all alone and not pretending to be a person that others will like (we all do this).

    Family is much more complicated--I am not out to my family and I dunno when I will be-all I know that it will be in a time and place of my choosing and the chips will fall where they may.

    Be mindful that a LOT of what you feel as conflict is the intersection of your upbringing, communal pressures, your true desires, and society shunning your chioces. In a stunning turn of events to no one--African Americans are usually socially liberal and morally conservative.

    I went to About.com and put in AM I gay and found awealth of articles on being gay, coming out , etc.

    And also--there are MANY memebers of this very board who have walked where you now walk. I'm here if you need me. Feel free to IM me on Yahoo.

    One Love.
     
  13. Dr Rock

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    who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree? Sex
    I must be lucky or something - the girls I have sex with pick up like half the boys I have sex with FOR me :p
     
  14. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

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    And that's is the sticky part of black10inches's story: when you come out to your girlfriend, rest assured that everyone in your family will know about it very soon.
     
  15. BobLeeSwagger

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    And that's is the sticky part of black10inches's story: when you come out to your girlfriend, rest assured that everyone in your family will know about it very soon.
    [post=316686]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]

    Considering those complexities, one option is to break up with the girlfriend without telling her, so he can try to figure out who he is. That wouldn't be totally honest with her or himself, but it would be fair to not want to involve her anymore. Maybe the time isn't quite right yet to be out to anyone, even though a lot of soul-searching is required.
     
  16. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    This is so true...I remember when I was in college and a good friend from high school told me that he had hooked up w/some guys while he was in the military and was very honest w/girls he dated about it...One girl in particular I guess he was going to marry who had his son told his mom about his male hookups...She was upset when they broke up...Not all women but a lot I have come across can get very vendictive when they feel hurt or betrayed...

    DMW - also I really don't like the term DL brothas too...I thought it was just me...
     
  17. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    This is what I probably would do if I was in this situation...
     
  18. jonb

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    The term sounds stupid to me too. But DL is cheating. And clandestine sexual encounters are worse, from an epidemiological perspective, than other forms of promiscuity.

    There's plenty of stuff you can read online about coming out. There are books about coming out, many of them even by men in your current situation.

    Now, for your family, things can get sticky. Do you know of any of your family's personal objections to homosexuality? If so, what are they? Biblical? Neurotic? Naturalistic fallacy? Afrocentric?
     
  19. Lex

    Lex
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    And, even in the face of family objection, you have to arrive at a place where your sense of value and self-worth as a person come from inside you and not from others. Before you can be prepared to deal with your family and friends until YOU first deal with yourself. Other's people's opinions of homosexuality have everything to do with them and very little to do with you.
     
  20. Latinoboy9

    Latinoboy9 New Member

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    Its like me at school when girls come up to me after a swim meet and they want a date because they saw what was in my swim bikini! Its hard not push them away and sometimes I meet them after and they talk small talk after the meet and wanting me to ask them out or "hook up" with them for the night and its hard for me to break it to them about me liking guys...So most of the time I tend to hang around with a couple of close male friends of mine... ;) Jose'Latinoboy9
     
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