How does a bi man make a choice?

Discussion in 'Show Off' started by magnum3, Apr 18, 2007.

  1. magnum3

    magnum3 New Member

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    I read these forums a lot because of my above average size, but I have never posted in them before. I’m hoping that you can help me out because I am not comfortable talking to my friends about this and you all seem like a supportive group.

    I am a 23 year old bi male and I have lately been feeling a lot of pressure to “choose” a path in my life as far as a gay or straight lifestyle. I personally believe that human sexuality is a fluid thing based on my experiences, but eventually I think for a long term relationship, I must make a choice.

    Some background on me is that I am an only child with a very small but supportive family. My parents don’t know about my sex life or my gay inclinations, but I don’t think that they would be supportive because they have a dream for me of getting married and giving them lots of grandchildren. My parents are everything to me and I have a major inferiority complex, so coming out to them at this point and letting them down seems impossible. I have had several female relationships which I enjoyed as well as one very strong male relationship that I am still in now. The guy that I am with I have known for about 6 years now and even though we are not perfect we love each other a lot. We have separated for periods of time (during which I explored more conventional relationships) but we seemed to end up back together.

    I am finally graduating college and so is he. He really wants me to move in with him so we can “start our life together,” but I just don’t know if it’s right for me. My whole life I saw myself with the typical American dream… wife and kids etc., but now I don’t know what I want. I love this guy, but I want a real family, and I am still very much attracted to women. Just to complicate things further, I have had feelings for other guys in my life who I actually feel would be better for me in the long run than the one I’m with now. I do not cheat or sleep around, so at this point I feel like I am trapped. My bf called me tonight and got really upset that I told him I did not want to move in with him, and I told him all this about not being sure of my orientation or what I want in my life. Is this wrong? Am I a bad person for doing this to him? How am I ever going to figure this out? If I leave him, I risk never being able to get him back and that makes me sick to my stomach. How can I ever be ok with telling my family?

    Sorry this is so long, I just needed to get this out to some people who don’t know me. Please offer any advice you can give me. I have been pulling my hair out for too long over this. Thank you.
     
  2. smoothrnb

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    Life is full choices, and choosing a partner is just one. If you think continuing your relationship with this guy is something to explore, then go ahead and give it a try. There's nothing that says you must "stay" with this guy. You are young and should explore life and its possibilities. I am not sure how many same- and opposite-sex relationships you have had. But, exploring (i.e., dating men and women) may help you decide the "what lifestyle do I want?" question. The bottomline is: don't feel like your decisions of today are set in stone!

    Hope my "two cents" helps...
     
  3. Gillette

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    You can't change your sexuality. Even if you change your behavior by choosing to settle down with a male or a female you will still be who you are and feel what you feel.

    Telling your bf the truth about your dilemma may have hurt him but it doesn't make you an asshole. You're being honest with him. It hurts like a bitch but I hope that he will appreciate your candor. If you love each other honesty is the best thing.

    I don't have any easy answers for you. If you love another man and choose to spend your life with him it doesn't preclude you from getting married or having and raising children, but at most a child could only be the biological offspring of one of you. This could change with advances in science but this isn't really what's causing you angst.

    Your parents are supportive of you now but you aren't sure if they'd feel the same way if you came out to them. Have they mentioned or in any other way expressed a problem with homosexuality in general? If not, they might surprise you with their acceptance. Sure, it means restructuring their vision of your future, but if they love you unconditionally they want your happiness, regardless of how.

    Don't expect that to be the instant response though.

    There are others on this site who will be able to offer you far more advice than I, many with personal experience of their own.

    You mentioned that you don't see yourself with your bf in the long term. Can you tell us why?
     
  4. magnum3

    magnum3 New Member

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    It's not that I dont see myself with him in the long term, it's just that we have lived together before years ago and we ended up just fighting all the time. He has certain personality traits that drive me up the wall, but I am mature enough to see that I drive him crazy too, and this is just a part of relationships. The problem is that I think that there may be a better match out there for me, whether it is male or female. At the same time, I have never loved someone as much as him before, so it's not easy to just break it off either. He IS someone I could see being with for the rest of my life, but is it what I really want? I want kids, he does not. Not a day goes by that I don't wish that I was either gay or straight, and then whatever I was, I was. There would be no flip flopping and and worry that I will decide to stay with a man only to find out I crave female attention or vice versa.

    Thank you for the helpful replies so far.
     
  5. flying v

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    Which do you like better? Dick or pussy? I know that sounds harsh, but if you plan on settling down with one person for the long haul, you are going to have to make a choice. Suppose you meet a nice woman that you fall in love with and marry. No matter how happy you think your life is, you are still going to want a man, eventually. Suppose the same thing happens with a man, the situation is the same. Chat rooms are full of married men looking for a big dick to suck, or a tight ass to fuck, or a big dick to fuck them. Can you imagine the hurt and resentment their wifes would feel if they found out the true nature of their marriage? A life based on false assumption and lies. It is even worse when there are children involved. Nowadays there are many people who would have you to believe that you can have your cake and eat it too. Unfortunately the real world has harsh ways of unshadowing illusions.
     
  6. B_denis11

    B_denis11 New Member

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    It's ironic that society "loves us if we are straight," "kinda accepts us if we are gay," but thinks we are less-than-human if we say we are gay and supposedly "can't make up our minds." I agree with earlier posts. You can't change what you are. You just have to go with the flow. If you DO want to settle down, make sure it's with a partner who understands you totally, or there will be trouble. Dennis
     
  7. yhtang

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    I note you stated you are an only child. Could your feelings for your male friend more on a fraternal type than the sexual type, while his feelings for you are more of a sexual nature than of a fraternal nature?

    Could he be a brother you would like to have - only that it seems to have turned/ will turn into a sexual nature?

    You also stated the two of you fight all the time - does not sound that much like lovers to me. You also stated you have lived with him for many years - perhaps if you try to live with other people you might be able to tell if he is really the person you would want to live with for the rest of yoru life.

    Just my two cents.

    Best of luck to you, may all work out well.
     
  8. CherryPicker

    CherryPicker New Member

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    Magnum 3 wrote
    I am nearly double your years Magnum. When I was just a few years older than you I asked the exact same question -- do I choose a man or do I choose a woman? That was a really challenging question for me, and I spent a lot of time and energy on it (translated: I wasted a lot of time holding myself back from being fully in relationship with someone).

    My epiphany came from a woman with whom I never had a relationship -- we were mental soul mates. She remarked to me casually one day:
    I've had three very fulfilling relationships since that time. One with a man and two with woman (and, yes, a good number of one or 5 night stands in between). I've never looked back and I remain always in debt to that wise person!

    On the other hand, I've had some male friends who have raised the same "argument"; but in reality their bottom line was that they were more predominantly gay rather than straight, and were reticent to accept their stronger orientation.

    I am what I am. :wink: And so are "we" all :rolleyes:
     
  9. DM34

    DM34 New Member

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    Magnum3 sez:

    'My whole life I saw myself with the typical American dream… wife and kids etc., but now I don’t know what I want. I love this guy, but I want a real family, and I am still very much attracted to women.'

    I take some exception to the 'real family' comment, but I understand what you meant.

    As a bi man who was faithful to an unfaithful wife during a short, stormy marriage, my advice is to not feel pressure to decide anything right away.

    The best thing to come out of my own marriage was my wonderful son, who is now a teenager and lives with me.

    Finishing your education does not mean your next immediate step has to be committing to a life partner (marriage or otherwise) and buying a house in the burbs.

    If your interest in finding a woman to marry and have kids with has more to do with pressure to conform and less to do with being madly in love with her, please, please don't do it.

    You need to take the time to make a decision that has some integrity, and if the short term decision is 'do nothing', well, so be it. If moving in with and committing to your boyfriend isn't comfortable for you, don't do it.

    You're very young. Take your time.
     
  10. magnum3

    magnum3 New Member

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    Thank you everyone for the advice. I feel much better about telling him now, and I think I made the right decision to just wait a while longer. I don't know if this feeling is somewhat universal or what, but in my mind I still feel like a kid. I can't even imagine starting a family in any respect right now, because I don't think that I am fully emotionally grown. By the way, I didn't mean to put down anyone by saying "real family", what I should have said was a conventional American family.

    I guess I feel from your guys' advice that it is ok to wait, and it is ok to still be uncertain of things. I have a lot to think about, but I feel better already to know that I am not a bad person for this. Thank you.
     
  11. sensualityincarnat

    sensualityincarnat New Member

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    I have a bisexual friend who always says its not about the parts but about the individual. I think that is the best way I have heard it described. You are so young yet and you are still probably getting clarity on what you want. Something that may help you get clear is to sit and write down all the things in a mate you are wanting. Get really detailed. Only positive words only what you want not what you don't want. Think of all the past and current relationships you have/had and pick out the properties and traits and conditions in each that really give you a feeling of joy and love. Really get descriptive, feel the feeling of joy and love as you do it. When you are done look it over and see if your current man fits. Not fits good enough to get by but does he meet what you are wanting? I got a feeling you already know the answer inside but you are feeling guilt and pressure about it. You don't have to make a decision tomarrow. Just clear on what you really want in a mate and focus on that and let them find you. It works. Take care
     
  12. Nitrofiend

    Nitrofiend New Member

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    I roll two twelve-sided dice and if the sum is greater than 20, the motion carries.
     
  13. Nitrofiend

    Nitrofiend New Member

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    I roll two twelve-sided dice and if the resulting sum is greater than 20, the notion carries.
     
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