How does one mend a broken heart?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by titan1968, Jan 29, 2006.

  1. titan1968

    titan1968 Active Member

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    I'm feeling very blue these days because I haven't heard from my 'sunshine'.... (I have talked about him a few times before- I had never been in a relationship with a man before him). I believe the relationship is over, and I feel dead inside.... :sad2:

    Even though we live on different continents, it used to be so easy to communicate or see each other : we'd write, call or send E-mails. Now he rarely returns his calls or answers my messages.
    His excuse: he's very busy ay work. :wtf2: RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :angryfire2:

    I've tried my best, and not repeat the mistakes I made in my previous relationships (with women): I've learnt to listen more and to express my fee-lings; I've also learnt that one doesn't always have to be in control.

    We were always there for each other, so what went wrong?:confused:

    I don't feel like going out because everything reminds me of him.

    I'm heartbroken. I feel like I'm bleeding because there's a knife in my heart....

    How does one mend a broken heart?

    Titan1968
     
  2. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    Some guys never mend. They scar. But your best friend is time.

    Eventually you'll realize that the world is still spinning regardless of your feelings and you'll staunch the bleeding enough to love another.
     
  3. rob_just_rob

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    Amen to that. Time is the answer. It sucks, but you've got to tell yourself that "in 3 more weeks, I'll be over him (or her) and feeling better". Sooner or later, that will be true.
     
  4. headbang8

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    Titan,

    I'm doing long-distance love at the moment. New York and Tokyo--just about the longest distance we can find and still occupy the same planet. It's never easy.

    Mind you, we lived together for some time before the distance complicated our relationship. But I discovered a few practical things...

    First, your previous habits don't evaporate just because you're separated. When we lived together, I was always the one who DID things: call the plumber, change the light globes, invite our friends to dinner once we'd decided to do so, etc... We joke that I need to visit him regularly to take out the garbage.

    In the beginning, I was--of course--the one who did the calling and emailing. Once, I was genuinely busy at work and didn't call for a few days (and further thought that the lazy bastard can be the one to pick up the phone occasionally). When I finally did phone, he was very upset that I hadn't called, and worried that something had happened to me. I reminded him that I wasn't the only one with dialling fingers, and he has since mended his ways up to a point. But, as usual, I'm still the one who takes the initiative more often than not. Once a Kansai cheapskate...

    Think about the time you DO spend together. Are you the emotional leader? Maybe you still play that role.

    That's the positive side. But I think there are a couple of things that count against you in your situation.

    I think you can maintain a relationship long-distance, but I don't think it deepens and grows. One of my favourite phrases (from Joyce) is that we bond because we share the little sacraments of everyday life. Without that, you're just phone-dating.

    And further--I've written about this in a thread recently--I think that maybe the lessons you learned in your relationships with women are valuable, but not wholly applicable to relationships between men. Women bond through talking (or phoning or emailing), but men bond through actually DOING stuff together.

    Another thing we agreed before we took up long-distance connubials is that it was OK to have sex with others. We'd been strictly monogamous when living together, and will be so again. But I couldn't bear the thought of him being lonely in my absence, and he felt the same way of me. Y'know, the old if you love something set it free schtick. And though I'd dabbled on business trips when we were living together (which I'm not proud of), I've not felt any great urge to stray in the ten months since we've been living apart. And the box of condoms in his apartment remains unopened, I notice.

    It helps that we ARE able to see each other regularly. If you don't have definite plans to meet, the uncertainty is a homewrecker. My boy and I talk a lot, but we always have our next couple of visits in mind. We were lucky this year, because we were able to see each other quite a bit. Out of the ten months apart, we had almost two of them in each other's company.

    (If you're interested as to how we go about it: I had two business trips to Tokyo, visited a third time during the Japan Golden Week holiday when fares were cheap and a fourth time over the New Year on the way back from Australia. He had a business trip to France (where I joined him--great story) and he came to New York for a couple of weeks over Thanksgiving. Next year, he's agreed to mend his cheapskate ways and come to New York more often.)

    We don't need to plan elaborate activities; just living a normal life in each other's company is good enough.

    And finally, it helps that we have financial and life ties that bind us together. Though the house in Australia is in my name, and the apartment in Tokyo is in his, we've earmarked the first as our retirement home and the second as a source of retirement income. Our homes are littered with each others' furniture and stuff. (Which reminds me, honey, if you're reading this, can you send the Diana Krall CDs?).

    If you two weren't together long enough, or your lives weren't so intertwined, then it's tough on you and your love, Titan.

    Entirely independent of the long-distance issue, when a relationship ends you suffer grief. Just like in a bereavement. So you have to follow the five or however-many stages of grief: Shock, anger, bargaining etc...

    Sounds like you're in the shock stage. Get angry. It'll help you move on.

    PM me if you'd like to chat further.

    Warm regards,

    HB8
     
  5. MrMXYZPTLK

    MrMXYZPTLK New Member

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    I'm sorry and this may sound mean of me, but I think your in the wrong support group
     
  6. B_Hung Muscle

    B_Hung Muscle New Member

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    Not mean, just wrong. This is the right place -- as many of the above posts prove. Titan, the only thing that helps this is time. We've all been there and it's the worst.
     
  7. panthera

    panthera New Member

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    Nope, he is in the right support group. The "we only talk about our big penis" group is around the corner, on the right.
    Sheesh, WTF is going on at LPSG these last few days? Titan has every right to be here with these topics.
    That is what the "support" part of LPSG means.
    Or did you get it confused with "supporter?, as in "athletic"???
     
  8. panthera

    panthera New Member

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    Titan, honey, I know that time does not heal all wounds. Some yes, some no. Why don't you sit down and write him a letter asking how he feels and what he wants with you two? Don't threaten, don't set any make or break conditions just something like:
    Dearest,
    In the last few weeks I have really missed the closeness and affection between us. Has something changed? It just seems like it can't only be the awful amount of work you're doing. Please let me know what's up - your friendship, love and affection mean so much to me.

    Or whatever -maybe someone else here can offer better support.

    The main thing is, in my opinion, to get things clear. Only then can you work with it. Maybe he is just going through a bad time. Maybe it is over. Until you know, you can't move on. With or without him.

    Good luck, I will keep you in my thoughts.
     
  9. B_HungSpermBoy

    B_HungSpermBoy New Member

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    I'm sorry you're feeling bad. I know how painful it can be. I'd definitely try & contact the person, and explain your feelings.
     
  10. Matthew

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    Titan, it's really hard to sustain a long-distance relationship, even when two people care about each other. Sometimes it doesn't help to try and figure out "what went wrong" - it often just leads to blaming yourself, and that won't solve anything. When your lover lives a continent away, the odds are stacked against you - you might not even have done anything "wrong."

    What others have said about needing time to heal is right on. There's no quick fix. But hang in there and it WILL pass. In the meantime, be really good to yourself. In fact, spoil yourself for a little while. You deserve it after going through this. Most importantly, reach out to the people that care about you. Plan to talk and spend time with them. If there aren't enough people that you feel comfortable talking about it with, I bet you'll find some here.

    Take care. And who knows? This whole thing might just open the door for something beautiful around the corner.
     
  11. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    I typically don't mend quickly. My prescription for a breakup is this:
    Don't spend much time alone (hang out with your friends)
    Go on at least one date. Keep doing it until you have a good one.
    Do something to improve yourself.
    and the all important (as Pecker said):
    Time
     
  12. Dr Rock

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    who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree? Sex
    ... or else you'll suffer a psychotic break and kill a bunch of people and probably yourself
     
  13. headbang8

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    See, MrMXYZPTLK? Support!
     
  14. NYC8"

    NYC8" Member

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    No matter how "right" a person may seem to be for you, the most crucial part of determining that is how they treat you. No matter what they say or how attracted you are to them or what they appear to have in common with you or how excited they make you.... if they have a "take you or leave you" attitude, it's just not the right person.

    It can feel devastating, totally life-emptying, to have a person who really seemed like, as you said, "sunshine," suddenly walk away. But just the very fact that they could do that to you--that they didn't see you as "sunshine" also--means that it just wasn't right, and that to some extent the person you thought you loved wasn't entirely there in the flesh.

    It happens. But recovery happens too.... eventually. Just don't do anything self-destructive. If they weren't worth your love, they sure aren't worth your life.
     
  15. Pappy

    Pappy Member

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    The best way I've found to mend a broken heart is to find the sob that broke it and dry fuck the hell out of his ass then give him a hand job using Ben-Gay for lube!!

    Seriously though, there has been some excellent advice given above. Just try and tell yourself that you are over him and move on with your life. I know that's hard to do but, to get over him you'll have to move on.
     
  16. chrisj428

    Verified Gold Member

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    Titan,

    I feel your pain. It was just over a year ago since the last time I saw or even talked to the guy I was together with for over three years.

    Only recently have I been able to talk about him without feeling that kick in my gut.

    It's been time. Time and support. Fortunately I have a great group of friends who have put up with my bleeting about the loss, etc.

    Know there are people who care about you. Take your time. It seems like it will never get better, but it will. Hang in there, man.
     
  17. steve319

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    I echo what Matthew said about spoiling yourself a bit, Titan. It's a good thing to not let yourself feel deprived in every area of your life, you know? So maybe allowing yourself some unexpected enjoyment right now will help. Go out to a movie with friends, buy yourself a new shirt or cd, order take-out, take a bath, go on a weekend trip. Remind yourself that there are positive and enjoyable things in life that aren't dependent on that relationship.

    I will say also to keep your head about you. No hasty decisions or unsafe rebound relationships, OK? Spoiling yourself includes taking extra-good care of yourself while you're feeling vulnerable.

    Hang in there, buddy. We're here for you. :hug:
     
  18. titan1968

    titan1968 Active Member

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    I wish to thank all of you guys who took the time to answer me. It means a lot to me. You do this group proud- you're the 'S' in LPSG. It just shows that there still are a lot of good and caring people out there.:cool:

    I almost didn't write the thread because I was too ashamed. I thought that age and experience would have prepared me and made it easier, but it hasn't. Every breakup is different, and it hurts almost as much as the first one....

    You're quite right, time heals all and recovery is possible. My feelings are just clouding my judgement.

    Thanks again guys for your time and help. I will get through this.

    Titan1968

    P.S.: Could I send anyone of you a private message if I needed to talk more about it?
     
  19. MrMXYZPTLK

    MrMXYZPTLK New Member

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    Sorry all, I guess this does fall into the category, but I will say I do get tired of people that go comepletely off topic.
     
  20. Webster

    Webster New Member

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    Dear Titan,

    There's an old saying that the best way to get over one man is to get under another one!

    Try to keep yourself busy with work, friends, the LPSG, working out, anything that takes up your time. Mr. "Right" can't find you if you're hiding at home. At least get out and do something. The busier you are, the less time you'll have to think about your troubles.

    I suffered for about 2 years trying to get over a guy whom I thought was the one great love of my life. Since then, I met a wonderful guy and found real love. And, you can do it too. Working out made me feel good about myself. Spending time with my friends introduced me to new friends and potential boy friends.

    You're not alone.
     
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