How does one recover from "mistreatment"

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by jdcnow, Dec 10, 2006.

  1. jdcnow

    jdcnow New Member

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    Hi, everyone:smile: :biggrin1:
    Caution: Touchy subject...very touchy

    Post from: http://www.lpsg.org/et-cetera-et-cetera/39384-no-reprimands-for-foley-scandal.html
    Having been a victim of this some years ago, myself, I can sympathize with anyone who has been a victim of "inapropriate conduct by another person".

    How does one recover from mental/psychological trauma that severe? Me, I still blame myself. While I'll spare you the nitty-gritty details, I will say that I was on a bus during a nighttime trip in high school when it happened. I still blame myself because, in my particular situation, if I hadn't tried to go to sleep when I did, what happened to me never would have happened that night, so I feel that I share part of the blame for that.

    I guess what angers me the most is the intent. In my case, they did it so that they could impress their friends and to dehumanize me. I was nothing to them. I was embarrased into silence about the whole matter. To this day, my mom doesn't even know this "event" ever even took place, and it's been maybe 7, 8, or maybe 9 years. My dad passed on a few years ago, and I never told him, either. Nobody who knows me in person knows about this. I guess I've learned to keep my mouth shut. I have fell into depression several times because of this, sometimes suicidal depression. I think I'm past that now, and want to live, but there is this "unfinished business". I just turned 24 Friday (12-08-2006), and I am tired of dealing with a warehouse full of emotional baggage because of this. I want to know, how do I find closure from this, so I can move on with my life.

    I start this thread in the hopes that (you never know) one of our members of this fine website may be a therapist or counselor or someone who specializes in mental health. Anyone else is welcome to offer advice as well.

    Maybe me sharing my story will give other victims of "mistreatment" strength. I hope it will.

    Thank you:smile:
     
  2. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    First and foremost, this was not your fault. You were mistreated and didn't cause this to happen to you. I would recommend counseling. I spent a fortune on it myself and it helped.
    I have never told my family ever that I was molested. In fact, I was molested hundreds of times over a period of several years. The peep was someone I knew and thought was my friend. It caused part of me to die inside and really damaged my self-esteem. I couldn't turn to my family for help because they would have used it to destroy me. I finally got stronger than him and stopped it.
    Sometimes, the wrong sequence of triggers will be thrown and I act completely unlike myself. I get super vulgar for a while. It can last for weeks. Even women can trigger it. The counselor said this was because sexual abuse is so traumatic. It is not only abuse against the body but the inner being.
    Please seek help. You are worth it. You are too valuble to just throw yourself away.
     
  3. musicman

    musicman New Member

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    There may be some useful information for folks at MaleSurvivor.
     
  4. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    Accepting it and moving on DOES NOT mean forgiving them. Holding the anger inside only continues to give them power over you. It is harmful to your body. I cannot forgive what was done to me. I have tried to move on. I can stand to be in a room alone with another man. I can let one put his arm around me. I can let them hug me. I don't feel sick from it. I have a sequence of triggers that have to be thrown to send me off. It happens sometimes but not often.

    BTW counseling should be available in most areas on a sliding scale. It's according to your ability to pay. I strongly recommend it to anyone who has a deep wound. It doesn't just have to be what this topic is about.
     
  5. naughty

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    Workin' up a good pot of mad!
    I think one of the most shocking things to me about assault is the sense of second sight you tend to get afterwards. I do target my dysthemia (low grade chronic depression) from a point 12 years ago when I was assaulted. The funny thing is that I was less angry with the pepetrator than I was with the person I happened to have been dating at the time who (Unknown to me) had been seeing other people and had been looking for an out of a 12 year dating situation during which he had asked me to marry him. The sense of betrayal felt from his mocking, belittling and using the incident to pretend that I was playing around took many years to process. It made me realize how horrible we can be in blaming the victim....Kotchanski, I can fully understand your not wanting to let go of your anger. It is a hard thing to stomach...
     
  6. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    I have not forgiven what was done to me. I still feel anger at times. I pity the person most of all. Only a low nothing of a human could do that. They are just taking up space.
     
  7. joyboytoy79

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    I cope with friends, drugs, and a lot of care. I'm FAR from "over it," and i never will get "over it." I've learned to accept that I will always second-guess people's motives, not because i have to, but because it feels comfortable. For me, coping has become a very intricate, and very well hidden process. There are many conversations i have with myself everytime i meet someone new, or start a new relationship. Most of these silent conversations involve me talking myself into not fleeing.

    I have a therapist. I visit her on occasion. She is helpful mostly becasue she listens, and sometimes offers advice. She knows better than to expect me to forgive anyone. Then again, i wouldn't know who to forgive, other than myself, and self-forgiveness is a life-long process.
     
  8. Lex

    Lex
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    In Your Darkest Thoughts and Dreams
    I was assualted as a child. Many others here were as well.

    We talked about it here:

    Break the Silence.
     
  9. Gisella

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    What I had learn with my experienced molested as a 4/5 years old child by adult male who had open acess to me bcause worked to my dad as a driver for few years..is that I'm very protective of kids, I'm very alert and a lioness, I may exagerate my vibs but I'm observing kids expressions of hurt, adults near them who give to much attention, touch to much, wanting to have fun with that kid in special...and because I do have sngle mothers friends I do keep blablabla in their ears about beware of male friends, bf , baby sitter and anyone...I ask permission and feel confortable to reenforce those very close friends kids: Do not let any one touch your privates, yell, tell mommy, tell tell tell, run and blabla..

    I do not let women or other kids out of the situation too as predator and kids may be acting like that w another kids bcause they may are a vitctm himself/herself..as much I read here lots of brothers/sisters/cousins explorations of sexuality in childhood between kids playing doc and etc...still not ok think its ok as natural process of discovery if the kid feel violated! I had exemples of forcefull ways even between kids. One exemple my friend had to transfer her little boy from a school because a bit older boy was molesting as fingering him almost daily and the school was too slow to act...Sorry to be detailed as explaining..but we just have to stop choose to be blind and say at it is. And it is sick and a cowardice to let kids in the dark and inocently so umpreper to fight the atentions of any predator, and we family many times are the ones who opens the door to 'friends' and give them free acess to our precious kids. :mad:

    Be alert!
     
  10. Badin10tions

    Badin10tions New Member

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    Hey bro in no way what so ever was that your fault.I usually dont wish bad on people but I hope those guys get whats coming to them.Once again man it wasn't your fault,especially being u feel its because you went to sleep.
     
  11. JustAsking

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    jdcnow,
    First, I am so very sorry you were victimized like this. This is one of the most painful traumas to have to carry around inside you. I have had some experience with teenagers and adults who had been abused at some point. Typically, the victim takes on all the guilt and shame that really should belong to the victimizer. Also, over time, the victim develops a kind of "accomodation" with the situation that helps them deal with it but only just barely. Some of the people posting here have described this pretty well. Its enough, though, to cause the victim to resist the idea of counseling because they are afraid it will destabilize whatever uneasy peace they have managed to cobble together around it.

    Given that, though, it is almost certain that you won't be able to get rid of all the baggage from this by yourself. Seek out a counselor who has specialized in this area. Like any doctor, counselors do not have expertise in all areas. I would start with any hotlines that specialize in sexual abuse. Ask for a few referrals. Get free consultations from the ones that look promising and pick the one who seems the most competent and knowledgeable in your opinion. On the web, you might also look at some of the links that people here have provided, as well as researching a bit yourself. You will find clinics with informative websites as well as support groups full of people with a similar history.

    A meaningful recovery from this kind of thing takes a while, but you will learn so much about your own emotional health that you may end up with much more self-knowledge and coping skills the most people who have not had a trauma like this. The good news is that the field of applied psychology has made tremendous breakthroughs in the area of emotional health. Some relatively simple and effective techniques have been developed to treat trauma like this as well as depression with and without the use of medicine.

    I used the term "emotional health" to distinguish this kind of counseling from "mental health" counseling. Emotional health problems can be very dehiblitating but they are really just dramatic responses to dramatic experiences in one's life. As such they are much easier to treat than mental health problems. We all have some degree of emotional health problems and its my feeling that everyone could benefit from some amount of counseling.

    Talking about it on this forum will probably help you and I am sure there are stories here which will ring true with you. But don't consider the advice from the caring people here as a complete substitute for the professional skills of a really good therapist.

    I have a very dear friend who was abused as a child by her father and her brother. She is a brilliant and beautiful person, but when I first met her she was suicidal and just barely holding on by a thread. I was able to convince her to get counseling and it has brought her back from the brink of certain disaster. If it wasn't for her addictions, which she is still fighting fiercely, she would have a really good life right now. Hopefully, you don't have as many personal demons to deal with as she does.

    You have made the right choice in deciding that living with the baggage from this is no kind of life. I urge you to go the distance and find some help in shedding this burden which does you and your loved ones absolutely no good. Noone deserves to be carrying this stuff around with them.

    Very Sincerely,
    JustAsking
     
  12. JustAsking

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    Oh yes, I forgot to mention that the victim almost always seems to take on all the blame and shame of the event for some reason. That you feel partly responsible is almost inevitable even though you are no more to blame for this than a 5 year old girl is to blame for being abused by an adult father or uncle. The important thing is to not let that feeling of self-imposed blame prevent you from seeking help from a good counselor.

    JA
     
  13. jdcnow

    jdcnow New Member

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    Thank you all for your powerful and sage advice.

    Keep the insight coming...
     
  14. Ganymede

    Ganymede Guest

    I no longer am sure if there is such thing as "recovery." Traumatic experiences, I believe, will always be with us. I think the best we can do is get to a point where we understand our reactions to what happened and then are no longer controlled by our reactions.

    For example, it's obviously not logical that you blame yourself for what happened. Just because you fell asleep doesn't mean people had the right to humiliate you.

    My theory is that people blame themselves because it gives the illusion of power. When people are victimized, they feel powerless. I think that people then react to that feeling of powerlessness by telling themselves, "I actually was in control. I was powerful. I made that happen by what I did."

    But many of us have fallen asleep on buses and never been humiliated as we slept. I've fallen asleep on many buses and it has never happened to me.

    I don't know if this is any help, but it's just something that has occurred to me lately. I don't think anyone ever 'recovers" from abuse. I think the best we can do is accept it, no longer be controlled by the pain, and then use our experiences to help us be better people -- that is, use it to be more compassionate with other people who have suffered the same.

     
  15. Onslow

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    Full recovery from this stuff is never possible. Sure it gets easier most of the time with lots of talking and therapy and allowing the mattere to be released from inside. At first its a matter of admittting that it happened that takes away the first power of the demon by saying that I won't allow myself to feel shame over it all the time. Then saying something to another person and then another and another. Somewhere allong the way admitting that it isn't your fault that theree are sick people out there who ought to have their hands cut off so they can;t do these things.

    Even with every thing else in trying to get over it there are times where the guilt and shame can be resurfaced and it comes back to feeling as if I did something wrong and asked for it. I never asked for the first s.o.b. to do what he did and when I first tried reporting it I never asked the second s.o.b. to then take liberties with me. Fortunately the 3rd person listened and others as well. Years later another man took it as an invite, but I was an adult so its anotther ballgame enitirely, Then there was the seduction (?) by a female family member. That created another nightmare,

    My biggest problems from the sexual abuse was confusion over my sexuality. I had to dig deep and go back to being 5 or 6 years old and remembering dreams of growing up and marrying men to realize I had been a queer all the time. Do I forgive the attackers? At times but only when I see them as mentally defective. Do I blame them for all my woes? No, not most of the time but as I said there are times when everything comes crashing down and I cannot deal with the feelings which are always going to be there. The images are always going to be glued to my brain and that cannopt be erased no matter how much I have tried--and as many here know I have tried it all. I was married twice, was in a relationship for a long time with a man, used booze and some drugs, and excessive unprotected sex as a way to forget. None of it worked. Therapy helped and sometimes just watching silly cartoons so I could take my mkind off of everything but even then something will happen, a sound or a smell or anything else can set the nightmare off again. To this day I hate stall showers because of a camp counselor who had me at eye level with his penis and two days later got me alone and started to do what he wanted. I try to turn that whole thing into my parents having at least tried giving me a good experience by sending me to camp, they had no idea what went on and they went to their graves not knowing because I could never tell them.--again it was shame and self blame that kept me quiet.
    When I reported it to a neighbor who then proceeded to get me drunk and have sex with me and continued for over A year I didn't know that he was the one doing something wrong and I didn't know that years later the thing which would send ,me on a downward spiral would be Jack Nicholson in Terms of Endearment. His appearance and physical actions in that movie were very similar to the neighbor and I went on a rampage at that time. So I never know when the demons of the past are going to find ways to escape and play with my shame again.


    Its usualkly better and easier now but there are still times and it's been more than 40 years so I doubt it will ever go away completely.
     
  16. Vestigial

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    PAIN. I was abused. So very abused. Every aspect of me torn, heartbroken, distraught... I could have my insides operated on in hospital without anesthetic, the pain very little against many years of such torturous emotional pain constantly pulsing inside of me.


    I spent 24 years of my life wasted, wasted 24 of my years on life.


    But if Karma's a bitch, well she's riding me now. :D
     
  17. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    I highly suggest checking out the online chat rooms for this. Like here, the anonymity gives you safety, and helps people be more frank then they might be in-person. There's usually someone always online so you can talk any time, and you're there getting help from people who have been through what you have. They understand where you are now and can counsel you in ways a professional counselor never can.

    There is a place for both kinds of therapy and working to overcome abuse requires both kinds to get the best chance of success.
     
  18. madame_zora

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    So many brave people are right here too. While this is a fun site where we explore sexual issues together, we are also very open to exploring the darker aspects of sexuality too. You will find that many of our members have experienced something similar, or know someone who has- you are definitely not alone!

    This is a community of friends, where friends should feel free to open up about what's troubling them, and the more we know you, the more we'll love you for it. JustAsking's passionate plea for professional counselling should not be overlooked, though. There are also support groups for abuse survivors, and I'd think that would be a very heathy step toward self-love.
    Being a recovering alcoholic myself, I'd never have made it without AA.

    Glossing over what happened to you can give you momentary peace, but no real healing can occur without a dedicated effort on your part to investigate your feelings, and reveal to yourself what you feel NOW, as an adult, about what happened then. You may have to challenge yourself to even discover your true feelings, but the journey will be well worth it.

    Onslow has also shared his experiences with molestation, as have several others. Some of these people may be willing to share stories in PM that they'd prefer not to publish on the board. Let people know if you're open to receiving private messages, because you may find that there are a lot more people who'd prefer to keep their stories out of public print.

    You're not alone, and you didn't bring it upon yourself just because you fell asleep. You don't need to forgive the ones who hurt you to find peace within yourself- you can acknowledge that THEY were wrong though, and lift the burden of guilt from yourself. I hope you find a path to do this.
     
  19. SomeGuyOverThere

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    I... God, this is something I've never admitted, not even here... I was well, abused, in a, I supposed, minor way once. The person who did it is extended family, and I think I objected so much at the time that he realised that he wasn't going to get anywhere, so I was spared anything more horrific than what happened.

    I remember the incident very vividly when I chose to, but I've moved on. It didnt go any further, I was never fully violated or forced to perform any sexual acts. I still have an extreme distrust for the person who commited it however, and I have as little to do with him as possible.

    I don't even know if he remembers it; I don't think I care.

    It is past, and I am strong, I will not be bogged down by what he did, and because he is family I know that his life is no rose garden either (I also know that the family doesn't trust him because they suspect what I know to be the case).

    My heart goes out to those who have suffered far more than me however, I have my moments of unhappiness for something so minor, so I can guess how that the pain must be amplified for those who suffered more than me; it is probably very hard to shoulder such a burden, but in finding the strength to do it, you define yourself and your life.

    Ultimately your destiny is in your hands. Others can try to shape it, but will you let them?
     
  20. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    I hope you will get the help you need and let the rage out. I held most of the rage in for over 30 years. I finally exploded and let it all out last week. Unfortunately, I hurt someone I really really care about. I hope some day, they can forgive me.
     
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