How important is good sex to a relationship?

[245248]

Ive been seeing a guy for over a year now and we recently got engaged, we have a great life, have a laugh and a very loving caring relationship. The only problem is the sex! Hes very well endowed and can make me orgasm with his hands/tongue and he gets very hard, however as soon as he tries to enter me 9 times out of 10 he just goes soft and gets frustrated so he gives up! This wasnt a problem to me at the beginning as the orgasms were great and i dont come through penetration anyway but recently i have been getting very frustrated and craving to have a cock inside me!

Last night i approached the subject after another failed attempt and he got very embarrassed and defensive. Now i feel i have made it worse and he wont even want to try anymore.

Any advice on what his problem could be? or if there is anything i can do?

I dont think this is worth throwing a relationship away over but im worried ill end up cheating on him if it doesnt get any better and i dont want to hurt him.:frown1:

 

[D_one and done]

wow. tough problem to have. i'm not nearly wise enough to attempt to give advice on this.

im sure someone here can give you some help on this. good luck SAZZAZOO

 

[Chick&2DicksUK]

He needs to swallow his pride (no pun intended) and see a specialist in Erectile Disfunctions.

Good sex is, IMHO, absolutely imperative to a relationship.

Good sex is subjective, but a relationship is probably more likely to fail (or at least result in great frustration and unhappiness, for ALL concerned) than it is to succeed.

It's by no means the ONLY ingredient required, but is pretty high on the list for most of us, I'd wager (but I'm NOT a specialist - so it's for you to decide).

You did ask the question though.

That sort of confirms my suspicions that you view it as an important aspect of your overall relationship, yourself.

Bet he does, too.

Best wishes for getting this problem resolved and your love-life back on track.

 

[christina]

my friend kinda had a problem like this but she just encouraged him to see a doctor and now they have great sex

 

[midlifebear]

This may or may not shed any light, because I'm an old queen and gay couples frequently have different pressures, barriers, and goals than straight couples. However, from personal experience, because I don't often get my rocks off from penetration, the best thing all men with whom I've had long-term relations have done is letting me know that they enjoyed getting off with me regardless of how we did it; even though they weren't going to let me fuck them. We rarely talked about the dry spells when I didn't fuck them or they wouldn't let me fuck them. Eventually, with time, most lovers figured out a way to accommodate me when they were ready. What was more important is that we never argued over stupid shit, basing our preferences to be together on the fact that we liked each other, found one another interesting, and genuinely laughed at one another and with one another as much as possible. Also, in every successful relationship we really liked each other.

I know what you might be thinking: why do many different relationships? Well, it's not because being gay means one is, by nature, also promiscuous (although I initially was). One lover eventually went to play for the "other" team. Another was nipped out of existence in a swift auto crash. A very good friend and I one day discovered ourselves no longer lovers but just really good friends. Another (major heart break) just up and died on me after 7.5 years. I'm now trying to figure out how to encourage my current squeeze to permanently move to another country and live with me rather than splitting our (basically my) time between his country and my adopted home. It will be his decision and not mine. Regardless, in all those relationships we only discussed sex when neither of us were not getting any satisfaction.

Oh, yeah, and good luck. Seriously.

 

[Lex]

As midlifebear noted, there are many ways to enjoy sex without penetrating each other. I know of many couples who do not regularly engage in penetration and who are happy with their relationship and sex life nonetheless.

One of the things that many do not want to accept or admit is that topping can be a challenge in both patience and stamina, especially for anyone in the above average range.

Be patient and kind to each other and open in your communication about what you want and need and I think you will be okay.

 

[245248]

Thanks for all your advice so far esp Lex as i guess ive also been worried that this isnt 'normal', that all 'normal' couples have penetrative sex all the time, as has been the case with me and previous lovers.

I feel awful for making him feel bad about it, even thou that was never my intention.

As far as seeing a doctor is concerned i dont think this is an option as my fiance is very proud and stuborn and i cant see him ever being able to admit to a doctor that he is 'failing' at something!

 

[_avg_]

Hes very well endowed and can make me orgasm with his hands/tongue and he gets very hard, however as soon as he tries to enter me 9 times out of 10 he just goes soft and gets frustrated so he gives up!

Is a condom involved? How much does he masturbate? How often do you guys attempt sex? Do you switch-up positions? Are you nervous? Is he self-conscious?

Speaking from personal experience, sex with a condom is difficult to initiate, especially if I've masturbated even a few times that week. (Without the condom it's easier, of course) It can also be difficult to initiate penetration from the missionary position, especially if the woman is very tight. Nerves can play a big part in your "tightness," if that's part of the problem. If he's self conscious on top of that, you guys will need to get very comfortable with eachother first. I had sex with a girl for 6 months and I still had anxiety about it each time.

My biggest piece of advice is: do NOT get married until you get this resolved!

Last night i approached the subject after another failed attempt and he got very embarrassed and defensive. Now i feel i have made it worse and he wont even want to try anymore.

Well he does sound a bit self-conscious. But very few healthy, straight guys will stop wanting sex or even attempting it! So be gentle and supportive, try out some new things and, if all else fails, seek the advice of professionals.

 

[christina]

sazzazoo just wondering how old r the two of u? im sorry if i missed it b4

 

[Lex]

Thanks for all your advice so far esp Lex as i guess ive also been worried that this isnt 'normal', that all 'normal' couples have penetrative sex all the time, as has been the case with me and previous lovers.

I feel awful for making him feel bad about it, even thou that was never my intention....

You are more than welcome. Anuses are typically harder to penetrate than vaginas (And I have done several of both in my lifetime). As such, many men put tremendous pressures on themselves to always be ready to go at a moment's notice, to stay rock hard the entire time, etc.

It's all about patience, understanding and trust. I have had many instances where I could not penetrate someone right away and we had to keep playing until he was relaxed enough and I was aroused enough to make this happen. It's a two-way street.

...

As far as seeing a doctor is concerned i dont think this is an option as my fiance is very proud and stuborn and i cant see him ever being able to admit to a doctor that he is 'failing' at something!

Well, you technically don't have to see a ongoing doctor to get support for occasion ED issues. Most doctors will prescribe an ED drug for a patient who may be on medications for either high blood pressure or depressions as those drugs tend, more often than not, to have a negative effect on one's ability to obtain and sustain powerful erections.

My hubby mentioned intermittent issues based on blood pressure meds and his doc quietly prescribed Cialis and the only person that knows when he has taken a pill is him. I think it makes him feel less pressured to always "be ready."

 

[D_Bob_N_Weaver]

Good sex is a necessity. Get him a few Viagra and see it it helps, I bet it will.

 

[midlifebear]

One of the things that many do not want to accept or admit is that topping can be a challenge in both patience and stamina, especially for anyone in the above average range.

Boy, Mr. Lex brings up a good point; especially if it his length and girth that may have caused you any discomfort in the past. I've reread your original post and suspect maybe his size isn't such an issue for you. But Lex broached the challenge of topping, the responsibility of being a successful penetrator. That's a MAJOR source of performance anxiety for any man, regardless of size (except a few straight men I know who seem to have hard ons 24/4 and have never met a woman, regardless of age, color, health or infirmity they didn't like). Even though it's silly, men usually presume their self-identity is tied up with being able to perform. For many of us with unusually large penises I can attest that getting a complete, full-on, major hard erection and sustaining it -- regardless of age -- is difficult. Even Cialis doesn't really help as I wish it would (for me).

Adding to Mr. Lex's patience topic: my college girlfriend, "Miss Partz", (yes, I had one and we are still best friends after 38 years) had this fore-play technique where she would stuff my soft tool inside her and deftly keep me from popping out. It was a game we both enjoyed. She made it clear there was no pressure on me to "get it up." She was more interested in the general sense of fullness while she masturbated. Nine times out of ten, watching her grind down on top of me while she concentrated on getting herself off was enough to crank over and jump start my libido. And when I was fully erect she could only accommodate about half of me anyway, which was enough -- trust me. But it was her selfish openness about using me in a flaccid state to get herself off that broke through my worries about having intercourse with her. With Miss Partz, sex was lots of fun, beyond salacious.

Mr. Midlifebear still enjoys being used. :wink:

 

[Not_Punny]

Sex is extremely important to a relationship. But intimacy is about ten times more important.

To me, the alarm bells are going off because he is apparently unwilling to talk about it.

If he can't face up to (deal with or talk about) a sexual problem, then what else is he going to be incapable of dealing with?

 

[tullcitytom]

I suggest using a stretchable cock ring that is just tight enough to keep the erection. There is a limit on how long he can leave it on, but it can make a big difference. And sex is great. It helps the confidence too. I have this problem also but I have medical and age related issues andviagra and Cialis don't work. Lavitra did once, But I can't afford that stuff. If he can get an erection he won't need a vacuum pump. I don't use one and I don't want to.

 

[DC_DEEP]

This is probably an answer no one wants to hear, and I will likely get flamed for it, but if he is experiencing firm erections for almost everything else, but not for penetration, then it isn't a physiological problem (and therefore, ED drugs would be of limited benefit.) The problem is psychological, and won't go away on its own.

While sex is not the most important aspect of a relationship, it can be a very powerful portion. If you are not willing to have a relationship without it, you have some tough choices. He may just have to swallow his pride and see a psychologist. But that's something the two of you have to decide as a couple. If you can live with the sex as it is, then respect his pride and do without the fucking. If he can be reasonable and respect your needs, he will get some professional help.

 

[wicked.minded]

i agree with DC(physiological) i think he just doesn't want to fuck you (or cause you hurt) and his mind strays to someone/something else or fear/guilt sets in and BOOM deflated intentions...try tying him up to releave him of the control and ease his mind that he is doing it to you, instead you are taking what you want....then he can relax that "he is hurting you" mind over matter

 

[CaptainChaos]

Sounds like a psychological issue. Could be psyching himself out.
Needs to relax and not treat sex like a job.

 

[Gab_Stone]

Good sex is important. Like you said, if you don't get what you need in those areas, you go looking somewhere else. If he is hard until the point of penetration, then I would say he has a psychological problem that needs to be addressed. It is frustrating to be in a situation where you really do have feelings for a person, but aren't getting what you need, and really don't want to hurt them by straying. It's a choice between hurting them, hurting them, or getting over the problem. And if you can't get over it, then hurting them seems the only choice. Kind of between a rock and a hard place. Sucks. sorry

 

[shinato]

yeah, is he a really big guy? perhaps he's dealing with issues of hurting lovers in the past.
you can try a few approaches. such as getting him on his back and making out with him. rubbing your vangina on his penis and slowly pentetrating yourself with it while he is preoccupied with making out with you.
you can try sex toys, cock rings and such. make it out to be fun and entertaining.
or you can sit him down and have a heart to heart with him about how your feeling, how much you love him and what your wants and needs are.

 

[uniquelymemethinks]

somewhat