How is your relationship with your Mother?

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by D_Ivana Dickenside, Feb 22, 2010.

  1. D_Ivana Dickenside

    D_Ivana Dickenside New Member

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    How is your relationship with your Mother, or female figure/role model while growing up?

    I ask because I’m starting to doubt my own relationship with my Mother. She is a part of my life and has an active role. We know what’s going on in each other’s lives, but not the point where I tell her every single one of my secrets.

    On the other hand, we have disagreed on every issue under the sun during the past few months--everything from my relationship with Mike_Hawk, to career/academic choices, to washing the dishes properly! I understand that we won't always see eye to eye; however, we’re reaching the stage where any topic we discuss becomes blown out of proportion and somehow she is right, I'm wrong, and I’m the bad person.

    I’m not a mother, so I don’t understand where my own Mother comes from when she accuses me of things I didn’t even say or do. She says one thing to me, then suddenly goes back on her word--even then she is still right and I'm still wrong. For example, it’s ok for my (older) sister to be a lazy-ass without a job and an education, but it’s not ok for me to just go to school fulltime without working fulltime as well. It’s like, WTF? (I’ve also always believed that my lazy-ass sister is her favorite, which is why she got away with everything.)

    Right now I've been going through a rough time with just getting my point across to her. I've tried speaking to her without raising my voice--hasn't worked. I've thought about writing her a letter to express my feelings in writing--completely pointless. I've even considered going to family counseling--except she'll only say it's a waste of her time and money.

    What am I supposed to do? I feel like I'm running out of options because she isn't listening to what I have to say, nor does she believe anything I even say. Help?
     
  2. overninept5

    overninept5 New Member

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    wonderful
     
  3. dolfette

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    mine? ....hmm.
    well i don't like her or trust her or love her, but we get on ok. she's old and terminally ill & shit, so it's time to just act nice.

    my sister has far more issues with her because she has expectations. i keep telling her that the fact is she is who she is, you can't change who she is, so you deal with her in terms of who she is. if she throws personal stuff back in your face, don't tell her personal stuff! if she doesn't keep her word, don't rely on her to keep her word!

    mothers are people with faults.
    you've gotta deal with what you have and not with the stereotype that society says you should have.
     
  4. ScorpioSlut

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    It's been a mixed relationship. I feel like I couldn't live without her and she's supportive of most things I do. However, things I know she won't be supportive of I just don't tell her as to avoid fights. Much like Dolfette's situation my mother is dying of a terminal illness. This is the third time she has had cancer since I was 2 years old and we don't have time for petty fights or disagreements. We still have them but we both do out best to avoid them and just enjoy what little time we have left together.
     
  5. helgaleena

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    Your mother is not rational, she's a force unto herself. She is who she is and you are seeing her inconsistencies, possibly for the first ime.

    It does sound like she has a favorite, but the way to put it is to ask your mother Why? See what possibly strange reason she gives. It will help you deal with the situation better, even if it continues to be unjust.

    My mother and I are a lot alike, and she was quite young when she had me, so the differences between us lessened over the decades. The hardest for me was to get out from under her shadow as I became adult, as it seemed as if it had all been done before by her...and I thought I needed to be a unique snowflake and all that in order for my existence to be worthwhile. Now I am resigned to getting what needs doing in my life done, not comparing myserlf to her or to others quite so much.

    cfairy, you are the age when it is time to move out on your own if you can afford it. Your 'lazyass' sister is staying more childlike.
     
  6. helgaleena

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    I forgot to add-- yes, writing her a letter is an excellent way to get your thinking and feeling straight. You don't need to send it! I write letters to my ex all the time and then tear them up.
     
  7. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    I have a terrible relationship with both my parents. Lots of cruel subtl mind games, so nothing that one can sum it in few sentences. Well, maybe I'll try to give one or two examples. But I have noticed over the years, the people I get along with she makes subtly negative remarks about them. People with whom I am not friends and better still, who I have admitted that I don't get along with are people she is constantly poking and chiding me about. Asking me how are they when I have already said that I am not friends with. Oh, sorry, I forgot and the merry go round begins again.

    I have noticed that my mother will make issues about these things she has previously promoted. For example, myt parents have always said that the federal government is the best employer to have. So as I was graduating and noting that an alumna works at a federal agency that I was interested in, you would have thought a supportive parent would harness that enthusiasm. With her of course not, she waited a few seconds and then deadpanned "have you thought about private industry." When you're younger, you only notice that funny feeling that something is not right. It's only after so many similar moments that you notice the pattern. Her deisre to keep me off balance in life over rides everything.

    I don't speak with my mother anymore. I don't want to give her any material to work with and I don't want to suffer anymore any got cha moments. The irony is that the more I turn away from her, the harder she tries to bring me back.
     
  8. B_bardox14

    B_bardox14 New Member

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    My mother and I get along very well. She's never treated me the way yours does. Your mother sounds like a major control freak. My mother will give me advice and help me when I ask for it, but doesn't try to force her opinions on me. Probably because she knows it would only piss me off.
     
  9. IntoxicatingToxin

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    When my mom was still alive, we got along really well. I never told her every aspect of everything in my life, but I never felt like I had to, either. She was very supportive of everything I did in my life, and always had my back. She was incredibly wise and had a fantastic outlook on life that rubbed off on me. She was very intuitive, could "know" people within five minutes of conversation with them, and had a deep understanding of the 'human condition'. She allowed me a lot of freedom when growing up to express myself how I wanted through my clothes, hair, music, etc. She never told me I couldn't do something, she'd just sit me down and have a talk with me to make sure I fully understood my actions and their possible consequences. She was the only person in my family who didn't flip out when I told her I was pregnant at 18 years of age. She basically said, "Well, if I could raise three kids on my own, then surely you can raise one." and she never let me believe differently. I love her more than words could ever express, and still miss her like crazy. The four year anniversary of her death is coming up in May. R.I.P. mom. I love you.
     
  10. EllieP

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    My Mom and I get along fabulously, which makes me miss her even more. We talk every evening like girls. Sometimes it's a conference call with my sisters. I tell her I'm lonely when Cap's away, and she'll shore me up saying I have a good life and all. She goes back to the UK about three months out of the year. I miss her most then. When I was single my daughter and I used to go back with her for a few weeks.

    She's definitely not a control freak. She says I taught you how to do it right now go do it. I think I'm going to call her now.
     
  11. D_Ivana Dickenside

    D_Ivana Dickenside New Member

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    i decided to start speaking to my mom again, even though i'll only speak when it's absolutely necessary. i still can't stand the woman, and i'm holding my tongue from shouting out bad things in her face. i've also thought long and hard about all the arguing, and i came to the realization that it's not worth my time. it aggravates me that she's never going to listen to what i have to say, so i'm just not going to say anything to her unless i have to.


    i'm sorry to hear about your mother, SS. it's great that you are able to look past all the petty little annoyances and appreciate the good things about each other. the time you have left together is so important and i hope you make it worthwhile.

    reading your post also helped me pinpoint some mixed feelings about my own mom too. i guess i'm so aggravated about my sutation with her because i don't want it to get to the point where we stop speaking and something horrible happens to her. i know i couldn't live with that and i now know why i struggle with it... because i don't want it to go that route.


    i've seen the inconsistensies in my mom for a long time. but like most women, myself included, we don't like seeing our flaws called out. i think that's a lot of the reason why my mom and i clash so much, especially when it comes to issues about how we differently my siblings and i are treated.

    i know it sounds dumb, but i've always believed my sis was my mom's favorite because she's the first born. she's always been "the baby" even though she's the oldest. what's pathetic is my mom still treats her like a baby too.

    writing my mom a letter is also a waste of time, but i'm gonna do it anyway. except, i'm not going rip it up or give it to her. i'm going to save it and give it to her when the time is right.


    both of my parents are like this too. if i stop speaking to them they become all defensive and question why i don't want to speak to them. then somehow it gets all twisted becomes my fault all over again. i love how things get lost in translation, and i especially love that i have to pay attention to them but they don't have to pay attention to me.


    you're very fortunate to have a mother who understands and supports your decisions and your point of view. it makes life a lot easier!

    and yes, my mom is a complete control freak. she always has been and always will be, and i understand that a little better now. eversince i was little i wanted the kind of relationship where i could talk to her and ask for her advice and guidance, without her criticizing me. but sadly that would only happen in a perfect world :redface:
     
  12. D_Ellerby Eatsprick

    D_Ellerby Eatsprick New Member

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    My relationship with my mom is strained.

    She has a sister who has two daughters. Her sister's daughters tell their mom EVERYTHING, and talk about EVERYTHING with their mom. So my mom sees that and desires the same with me. And I have no interest in telling my mom everything. There is just too much about me that if I told my mom, she just would not approve, and I just don't want to hear the end of it.

    I just feel that there isn't much of a "chemistry" with her to tell her things, and the way we've had conversations, my mom just asks too many nosy / stupid questions. There's just no conversation flow.
     
  13. molotovmuffin

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    I guess I'm the lucky one... my sisters and I all get along with our parents. My mom is a very understanding woman and I talk to her about many things... but not everything as I'm sure she doesn't tell me everything. Why tell something you know is going to cause an argument? I say that but my mom wouldn't argue to begin with. My mom has always been the dominate in the family ... not the immediate family... the extended family and specifically her's (as was her mother).

    Someone asked me once if I talked to my mom about my problems with my son and school, I told them of course I did. He asked me, if she had expressed her disappointment in him... I said, "If she did, she'd never see him again and she knows it." I'm pretty cut and dry about things.

    CF, if I were you, I would ask my mom what the hell I did to her that made her the way is towards me. Then I would tell her to get over it, move on or don't bother talking to me again. That's what I would do. Then I'd go cry in the corner where she couldn't see. :wink:
     
  14. helgaleena

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    Congratulations cf on getting it out of your head so you can move on, even if it is only on paper. Toxic parents are so addicted to being toxic sometimes!

    I had one toxic parent and one not. But it takes years living completely on your own to find enough distance to tell if they can ever relearn their habits when it comes to you. Here's hoping that day of freedom soon comes.
     
  15. B_bardox14

    B_bardox14 New Member

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    Sry to hear that hun. I have a friend who's mom likes to control everything about her. It got so bad that they just don't speak anymore. They haven't talked in over three years now. I can't help but feel bad for mothers and daughters that can't come together like me and my mom do. I wish I had some real advise to help you get that relationship with your mom.
     
  16. AlteredEgo

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    This is going to sound incredibly cruel, but it is honest. My relationship with my mother improved dramatically when her third stroke rendered her aphasic, and she lived in a nursing home.
     
  17. fantasychick

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    My realationship with my mother use to be like yours ,condomfairy, when I was a teen. Wanting me to cook more, clean more, to get a job caring for children, basically to be her...telling me it was a womans job.... then when I moved out at 19 she had a complete turn around. I don't know if yours is the same, but my mother just seemed to need to not see me everyday to understand me more or realize she isnt going to make me just like her and accept it... Now we get on ok, trough I know I never will be able to talk to her about some issues like I can my girlfriends, buts ok now. if she had any idea about some of the things I'm into or some of my issues.......
     
    #17 fantasychick, Feb 25, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2010
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