How long did it take you to get over your cheating girlfriend?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by formygirlfriend, Feb 11, 2009.

  1. formygirlfriend

    formygirlfriend New Member

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    I have been going out with a girl for the past 7 months. I love her very much and I know she loves me as well. About 3 months into our relationship though, she cheated on me with another guy. Technically, I guess it wouldnt be considered cheating becuas she broke up with me then less than a week later fucked the guy.

    My first mistake was taking her back so soon. This is my first real love and I was so scared of losing her at the time. I felt like if I didnt talk to her about it or try and get her back she would continue having sex with this guy and ultimately our relationship would come to an end, which is something I did not want at all.

    Mind you, this was my ex girlfriend from 2 years back and we just recently got back together. She never cheated on me back in the day so it came as such a shock that she would do this to me. She says that after I broke up with her 2 years ago, she was heartbroken and went through a phase in her life where she just went crazy and did things shes not exactly proud of.

    I put all that aside.l I figured when we got back together 7 months ago it would be a fresh start for us, and for her as well. 3 months in though, it seemed like that ugly part of her came up again and she fucked this guy.

    I took her back, and shes been good since, I believe. I feel like she genuinely regrets doing what she did with him but at times this belief is questioned. For instance, we will get into an argument and I would say something silly like "Oh you just want to go there so you can see him again dont you?" I knw its silly. and she will say "God, why do you keep bringing that up. THATS THE PAST! I know you're hurt but is that all you can use against me?"

    Its stuff like that that really hits me hard. Yeah, its the past. But its only been 3 months since it happened and you expect me to be all fine and everything? She wont know until it happens to her. Sometimes I feel like showing her....

    Anyways, I guess what Im trying to get at here is...for those of you that have been cheated on and decided to stick with the girl, how long did it take you to get over it completely? Its been 3 months and to this day, I find myself angry...thinking about it constantly, every day.

    I see a picture of my girlfriend and I think, "wow shes pretty, thats my girl" then immediately after that in my head I go "dont let that face fool you, dont forget what she did". I want to trust her, but I cant. Theres so much more I can say right now about how I feel but this post is running long so I'll save it.

    Thanks for those of you that read
     
  2. bguy

    bguy Member

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    First, your feelings are completely normal. Second, it is not your job to "get over" the actions of your girlfriend. It's her job to make you feel safe. If she is still seeing the person that she cheated on you with, then she is not taking your feelings into consideration and you will not feel secure. Trust has to be earned and she hasn't earned it.
     
  3. driftingvoid

    Verified Gold Member

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    This is hard buddy, and it's not your fault. As Bguy said, it's not your job to just get over it: she should be doing her part to help you get over it. That's not to say you don't put any effort toward trying to get past it, only that she should be helping too. If you value your relationship with her, though, you definitely need to stop bringing it up. It will take longer for the thoughts to go away in your head, but part of getting over it is ceasing to bring it up. Though you probably aren't exactly focused on how she feels about it right now, it's not fair to her for you to keep bringing it up. If she feels bad, it's not right for you to just keep dragging her through the mud forever more; and if she doesn't, then it's just going to piss her off and one day she'll walk out. But setting her aside, every time you bring it up, you open your mind to all of the thoughts about it. Sure, you may be thinking about it already, but ... I guess I'm trying to say that you should be trying to shut the door to those thoughts, even though it's a hard door to shut, and when you bring it up again and again to your gf, it's like fully opening that door.
    If you haven't sat down (maybe a few times) and talked with her about it in detail, and you have questions running around in your mind, than I suggest you do (but, you need to approach it correctly). However, if you've already talked about it and said everything you can say and heard everything she can say about it, than you need to stop bringing it up. When I say "approach it correctly," I mean that you should pick a time when you're not arguing about anything, and preface your questions with a preamble-- something to the effect of:
    There's no set time on when you will or can get over it, I'm sorry to say. I know it's hard--I actually just discovered a little indiscretion of my girlfriend's a couple weeks ago, so yes, I know what it's like to have the thoughts running through your head. But I promise you, if you keep throwing that at her, you will lose her.

    Communication is key, if you haven't learned this about relationships yet. It sounds like you still have trust issues with her; it sounds like you guys need to have a talk. Explain to her how you feel, and that you still think about her experience on a regular basis. Brainstorm with her on ways to get past it. If she cares, she will want to do what she can to allow you to get over this. When I talked to my girlfriend, I admonished her and quite bluntly explained that my trust in her was virtually non-existant and that, if she wanted to be with me, she would need to made an active effort to re-gain my trust. I explained that she had deeply hurt and betrayed me, and severely screwed up my trust in her, but it was not irreversible. And she understood that. She has sense started doing and allowing certain things to help me feel comfortable trusting her again. I have more questions these days, questions I wouldn't ask so much if I fully trusted her; her contribution to that equation is that she understands why I question her, and answers me accordingly, with forthcoming answers. She puts an effort toward showing and helping me believe that she has nothing to hide from me, and that is how, over time, I will come to trust her again.
     
  4. auto90403

    auto90403 Member

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    Actually it is your job to get over it, not hers. Or at least, it's your job to deal with your feeling, not hers

    She seems to want a monogamous relationship with you but each time you break up -- and the two of you seem to have a volatile and wildly immature relationship-- she fucks someone else. As is her right.

    Then you get back with her and get all pissy when you learn -- once again -- that she found another guy to fuck.

    What are you so pissed about? The volatile relationship you have with her? The endless breaking-up and getting back together games? That she fucks other guys during times when you're not her BF?

    It sounds to me that you need to accept that this is the kind of relationship you're a-l-w-a-y-s going to have with her. Lots of little break-ups during which she fucks other guys.

    So what are you going to do about it?

    You have two mentally healthy choices. One, accept that this is the pattern you're in with her and during break-ups take advantage to have fun with other girls. This doesn't sound like you. The other option is dump her for good because she's a nightmare for your emotional and psychological equilibrium.

    What you can't do is take her back -- again and again -- while bitching and moaning that she fucked other guys during the break-up. She had the right to fuck around and you knew she was going to do it. You have no right to complain.

    Sorry I sound so harsh. Being cheated on, even in your somewhat odd circumstances, hurts like hell.

    But your feelings, and why you're continuing to date someone who pushes your buttons in all the wrong ways, is something you need to address, not her.

    Normal relationships aren't full of this kind of pain.
     
  5. enormouslyaverage

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    Once a cheater always a cheater homie. You sound young-ish. Find a girl who can keep it in her pants. Or keep "him" out of hers, I guess I should say. You have plenty of time.

    If she can cheat in the first place, she doesn't care in the way she says she does.
     
  6. killerb

    Verified Gold Member

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    I've never been cheated on (to my knowledge) but I have 2 close friends whose girlfriends did cheat on them...one guy broke it off as soon as he found out for sure that she was cheating & that was the end of it - he never even considered taking her back...the other guy agonized over the decision to give her the boot but eventually realized that he had to let her go...it took him about 2 years for the hurt to dissolve enough to consider getting into another relationship...

    if you're having those feelings every day, your relationship with her will suffer...either you can let it go & begin to trust her again or you will also need to let her go.
     
  7. B_New End

    B_New End New Member

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    You will never be able to trust her again. Your relationship is doomed. The sooner you admit it, the sooner you can move on.
     
  8. immortalthor

    immortalthor New Member

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    Almost 15 years, Paxil, and therapy. And even then, there are days.....
     
  9. formygirlfriend

    formygirlfriend New Member

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    This is what I need to do man. Thank you so much for this post. I've read others peoples stories on other boards and the replies of what he shouldl do but none of it seemed to make as much sense as what you said. Its true, I bring him up many, many times. I would say at least once a day I make reference to the day it happened. Its hard though when its something so easy to get on her about...Its even harder when its on my mind constantly. I realize now that the more I bring it up...the further its going to push her from me and eventually shes just going to walk out of this becuase shes tired of hearing me bitch. Point taken: Man up. Bite my tounge. And seriously talk with her about how I would feel more comfortable. Thanks again man.

    You are right, we do break up and get back together alot. Its actually a very unhealthy relationship and I've been trying to change, believe me I have. When she went through her "phase" we werent together for 2 years so I dont hold anything against her about what she did during those 2 years. I have no right to. Of course I express to her how sad it is when I think about it...but again, Im in no position to question nor critisize what she did during that time. So to say that she goes and fucks guys every time we break up would be harsh. She fucked up once so far thats about it. I understand what you're saying though about I eithe rhave to GET OVER IT AND BE WITH HER or LEAVE HER. It cant be Bitch, Moan whilst still being with her. That would just make me look insecure and dumb. Normal relationships arent full of this kind of pain....I ask myself that everyday brother...why do I have to feel like this? Why do I feel this way about the girl I love the most...how come I cant just feel totally comfortable when she goes out and does her own thing...I wonder man. Before any of this happened...I was able to. But now, not anymore. I miss those days.

    I try to think positive man. I love this girl...and when I made the decision to take her back I was young and dumb. It was the first time something like this has happened to me and I didnt know how to react.

    Trust now that if it happens again...its going to be a different story. I'm going to bite my tounge from now on when I feel like getting silly and bringing it up again. Hopefully it helps me get over it as well. I really just want that trust to be restored with her and have things back to the way they were before this whole scandal.

    Again, thanks everybody for your advice.
    I forgot to mention also...we got back together over summer. I went away for college with plans of coming back over christmas break. It happened 3 weeks before I came back home for the holidays and thats when we got together again. I left after christmas break and plan to return in about 2 months again for good...lets see how long she can last this time. I'll let you guys know if anything happens. you all deserve it :smile:
     
  10. B_New End

    B_New End New Member

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    You still are, hate to break it to you.

    Son, this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you, but you made the wrong decision. And justifying it by saying you were young and dumb doesn't make the situation any better.

    You're gonna grow some balls?

    Bite your tongue?

    You are in a hopeless situation, son. You can't communicate your feelings, and worse, she has actually turned the guilt around to you. Now it's your fault for having these feelings.

    I know you have heard it before, but Im gonna say it with colors and bold font

    PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA



     
    #10 B_New End, Feb 11, 2009
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2009
  11. bigjpgh

    bigjpgh Member

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    Get over it? It was never an issue for me in the first place. She didnt leave me, she still loves me, we still have a great relationship, we still have great sex. As far as I am concerned, if she wants something a little different on the side, no sweat off my back. My wife cheated, she told me, I told her that as long as she still wanted to be with me, that it was fine by me, and it is. No change to our relationship, except that I think she is now a bit more relaxed knowing that if she has some urge, she can act on it without fear of ruining our relationship. I know I am in the minority on this site but I think that being in a relationship doesnt have to mean exclusivity, as long as there is communication
     
  12. maverick86

    maverick86 New Member

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    Dump her and don't even think about taking her back. You keep saying that you love her a lot, but how does she feel about you? Too many guys get so wrapped up in their own feelings that they don't even notice what the girl's feeling. Seems to me that she doesn't love you half as much as you love her, otherwise she wouldn't have fucked some other dude. You could waste a lot of time talking about it with her or going through therapy but a woman who really loves you won't put you through that in the first place. Dump her, bro. She'll probably do it again if she hasn't already.
     
  13. maverick86

    maverick86 New Member

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    Also, although I tried to be gentle (i.e., you seem fragile), I agree w/ everything New End said.
     
  14. D_Caesar Titts

    D_Caesar Titts New Member

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    Am I missing something?

    When did she cheat on you?

    You were not together she can shag who she likes. How is it up to her to make you feel better about it?

    Dude if you can't handle it split up.

    Harsh but.... shrug
     
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