How may I help him?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Iskepee_Longwoodee, Sep 14, 2007.

  1. D_Iskepee_Longwoodee

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    One of my best friends is supposedly "straight"! However, back in January he was bicurious or bisexual; and has always been interested in going to the gay bars and clubs. I keep noticing him staring at my crotch when sitting across from him or when laying down on his sofa. I have also noticed that he watches me when I am naked too.

    He said things would be much easier for him if society was more fair, but it is not currently! He also told me that his parents are rather conservative, and that hinders his feelings as well. He has been in two long term relationships with women (one was 1 year and the other was a 3-4 year off and on relationship)but never seems happy with them, and only seems to keep them around as a friend. He also has expressed he does not want kids and wants that in his partner as well. He currently lives in NYC, but would consider a second home in San Francisco, Seattly, Chicago, Washington, D.C., where we lived previously, Vancouver and Portland Oregon. He wants me to go with him to South Beach this November, and also take a quick jaunt to the Keys.

    When I talk to him my gaydar goes off BIG time and he always holds eye contact with me very well. I asked him where he is on the spectrum and he siad he does not believe in black and white, but shades of gray. He said at first he was a 90 on a scale of a 100 being completely straight. I believe he is more like a 20 or 30 than he actually purports to be, but he is deeply closeted at this time. As I stated before he enjoys the gay clubs and bars, and takes me to them when we go at times. He however, does go to the mixed clubs I prefer as well.

    All of my gay friends thought him and I were having a relationship, because they thought or know he is gay and we hang out all the time. He is truly a wonderful guy, but he just needs some direction in life, to be a bit more comfortable with himself. He was never really into sports, but played football in M.S. and H.S. after he quit playing soccer. He also does not watch any sports and just likes to shop, travel, hike, run, bike, and go clubbing. I am trying my best to introduce him to the otherside. He has told me on many occasions that he has feeling for me and cares about me, but he just does not know how others would react! He enjoys being touched by other men whether it be just a back rub or holding his hand, and he has never pulled away.

    Everytime I have introduced him to another gay friend or friends, they always ask, "is he in the closet or out"!

    What should I do?
     
  2. D_Iskepee_Longwoodee

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  3. frizzle

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    I have no experience with gays or bisexuals, but this situation seems to me that he needs to figure out his own feelings by himself. Of course offer him support and talk to him about it, but if he truly wants to be with another man he will. It's a hard decision (I assume) to come out of the closet, but at the end of the day you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do.

    Good luck.
     
  4. kazooplayer

    kazooplayer New Member

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    Seems like if you give him enough time, he'll come around on his own - get him drunk, see what happens :)
     
  5. Jake77

    Jake77 New Member

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    The best advice that can be given is support him and let him make his own choice when he is ready.

    Life has many paths for us to choose and he must choose wisely, but with the right support from those around him, I believe that he will find his way and what is right for him.

    Just be a shoulder to lean on, a friend to laugh with and a pillow to cry on.
     
  6. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Oh boy.

    First off, what are your feelings for him? Are you attracted to him sexually as a boyfriend or would you prefer to have him as a friend? Think about it seriously. I don't think that anyone with such deep self-acceptance issues is ready for a relationship with either sex at this point. I think deciding about how you feel for him is the most important consideration before saying anything else.

    In this case it's pretty obvious he's not straight as he's admitted. It's also good you live in a city that's so tolerant and has a large gay population. I wager that his parents are the biggest obstacle. Do you know anything about what the reactions would be of his straight friends? Does he risk losing them? What about siblings and extended family? Sometimes it's easier to come out to them first (I did) so that when you finally tell the parents you have a familial support system already in place.

    I think you have to play Virgil to his Dante here and help guide him through the coming-out process. Working on each roadblock as he's able to take it, going from the smaller to the bigger. Still, your role in all this will be guided by your intentions toward him.

    Has he had any experiences with males?
     
  7. D_Iskepee_Longwoodee

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    He experimented when he was younger! He has a sister but they are not close at all and have not been since he was young! His parents are very conservative and this his his biggest obstacle! I think most of his friends would be okay with it, but not totally sure. He tried to hook up eith me one night when we both got pretty drunk, but after that...it has been little things here and there.
     
  8. D_Iskepee_Longwoodee

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    Absolutely! I will be there for him whenever he needs me!
     
  9. D_Iskepee_Longwoodee

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    Thanks...I aprreciate the advice!

    Lol...we already have!
     
  10. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    You though. What do you want from him? Are you in love with him or do you want to keep it on a friendship level?
     
  11. dreamer20

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    He likes you Chance and appears to be quite comfortable to me. It seems to me that you want to find out if he is interested in you sexually. Find out if he is or isn't. As for his life's direction, I'm sure that he can find his own way in life. Have fun with him in Florida.

    And I want a rubdown too!!:biggrin1:


    http://www.lpsg.org/33855-i-want-a-rubdown-too.html
     
  12. D_Iskepee_Longwoodee

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    I am not sure how to answer that....he is pretty into me it seems!

    I do really like him, but I want what is best for both of us. We just planned a back packing trip in upstate New York, for October, so maybe some good will come out of that. I had a conversation with him on Saturday about how our prior discussions have made an impact on his life and whether it was positive or negative. He agreed they most certainly made a poistivie impact and he wished to express how, but he he said, at first it was stressful for him to have to reanalyze his sexuality, but it turned out for the better. The topics we covered helped him to see a new light, and offered some comfort to how he may live the life he wants, not what society wants. I told him I don't want to hear details about what they did for him yet, but expect to in the next coming weeks as he has time to think about them.
     
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