How much is TOO much to ask?

[wldhoney]

I believe it likely that the more outrageous your demands, the more excited you both will be. Just remember that if you break your toys, they're no longer fun to play with.

I also believe that even if he later decides he doesn't like the look, feel, or maintenance of a PA, he'll be turned on even more by the fact that it is there solely for your amusement.

How much is too much? Well. Did you two have a nice long chat about boundaries and expectations at the start of your relationship? Stay within the boundaries, and periodically reassess them together.

As someone who is submissive and was married to a Dom for six years before he was killed, who has been involved in the BDSM and D/s lifestyle since I was 23, and who has been to workshops, meetings and munches, I have developed some very close friendships and relationships with Masters/Doms/Tops, slaves/submissives/bottoms, and Dungeon Masters/Monitors, both male and female in each category.

As a submissive, I understand how easily emotions and the desire to please can push us past boundaries in a way that is unhealthy for us. The advice to stay within the boundaries and periodically reassess them is right on. There should always be "down" times of equal footing where issues are discussed. Most couples go thru a very detailed checklist of activities when going into the relationship, and will have or form soft and hard limits that may often change. The assumption that a sub may later not like something but will still be turned on by it is a slippery slope. A mistake can lead to depression, anxiety, resentment, and anger.

A D/s relationship, which is basically any relationship in which there is an exchange of power, depends greatly on trust and communication and forms a bond that many vanilla people do not understand. We all have to start somewhere, and the healthiest D/s relationships and people in the lifestyle I know are consistently seeking knowledge, training, and are open to learning. To many, it's not about games and dressing up, and those who abuse their power are not tolerated. It's a belief system that has varying degrees.

There is a belief within the community that a good Dominant often starts out as a submissive. Unfortunately, the lifestyle attracts many wounded and many abusers. There is no such thing as being "too" careful.

 

[AlteredEgo]

But I don't know if he's doing it because he wants it.. or because I do.

But that's the thing.. He really genuinely wants what you want. The idea that you want something is extremely exciting to him.

 

[BurningVenus]

As someone who is submissive and was married to a Dom for six years before he was killed, who has been involved in the BDSM and D/s lifestyle since I was 23, and who has been to workshops, meetings and munches, I have developed some very close friendships and relationships with Masters/Doms/Tops, slaves/submissives/bottoms, and Dungeon Masters/Monitors, both male and female in each category.

As a submissive, I understand how easily emotions and the desire to please can push us past boundaries in a way that is unhealthy for us. The advice to stay within the boundaries and periodically reassess them is right on. There should always be "down" times of equal footing where issues are discussed. Most couples go thru a very detailed checklist of activities when going into the relationship, and will have or form soft and hard limits that may often change. The assumption that a sub may later not like something but will still be turned on by it is a slippery slope. A mistake can lead to depression, anxiety, resentment, and anger.

A D/s relationship, which is basically any relationship in which there is an exchange of power, depends greatly on trust and communication and forms a bond that many vanilla people do not understand. We all have to start somewhere, and the healthiest D/s relationships and people in the lifestyle I know are consistently seeking knowledge, training, and are open to learning. To many, it's not about games and dressing up, and those who abuse their power are not tolerated. It's a belief system that has varying degrees.

There is a belief within the community that a good Dominant often starts out as a submissive. Unfortunately, the lifestyle attracts many wounded and many abusers. There is no such thing as being "too" careful.

WH.

I am consistently impressed by your wisdom, your patience and your peaceful spirit. And I'm so sorry about the tragic loss of your husband.

 

[Osiris]

[/color]

WH.

I am consistently impressed by your wisdom, your patience and your peaceful spirit. And I'm so sorry about the tragic loss of your husband.

Ditto.

The lady has lived life to it's fullest and we are all better for her knowledge.

 

[Kenyth]

The sky is your limit of what you can ask for. You are only asking, not demanding, so he still have every right to refuse if he wants to. Worst thing is for those who give out ultimatums, as if they are trying to manipulate their subject into doing what they want.

Open communication is good, thumbs up for expressing what you want rather than keeping it all in. But make sure you respect his wants and needs as well I guess.

0ga is better for sex I think, its less likely to cause any 'accidents' or pain to his penis.

 

[D_Tintagel_Demondong]

How can you be a key holder for someone who lives so far away? I thought that the keyholder's task was to physically unlock the chastity device when prudent. What if he needs to go swimming with his family or see his doctor or go to the gym showers or ride a bike?

Ooh yay! 200 posts!

 

[BurningVenus]

*walking on eggshells*

As the OP publicly disclosed two very serious psychiatric issues on this forum, there are a host of issues that raise concern. Below is one example:

"Borderlines may need to feel in control of other people because they feel so out of control with themselves. In addition, they may be trying to make their own world more predictable and manageable. People with BPD may unconsciously try to control others by putting them in no-win situations, creating chaos that no one else can figure out, or accusing others of trying to control them." --from BPD Central

If he's not familiar with your illness, he should be very aware of the kinds of instability and rage he MIGHT encounter being involved with someone who says they have BPD. There are lots of red flags and safety issues here.

It's asking too much.

 

[wldhoney]

[/color]

WH.

I am consistently impressed by your wisdom, your patience and your peaceful spirit. And I'm so sorry about the tragic loss of your husband.

Ditto.

The lady has lived life to it's fullest and we are all better for her knowledge.

Thank you, Burning Venus and Osiris....:redface: Coming from two members whose posts I always admire, I appreciate the compliment.

For the record, the comment "stay within the boundaries and periodically reassess them" started with AlteredEgo, and I am in complete agreement with it as well.

P.S. Congrats on 200 posts, rec3000!

 

[B_Think_Kink]

*walking on eggshells*

As the OP publicly disclosed two very serious psychiatric issues on this forum, there are a host of issues that raise concern. Below is one example:

"Borderlines may need to feel in control of other people because they feel so out of control with themselves. In addition, they may be trying to make their own world more predictable and manageable. People with BPD may unconsciously try to control others by putting them in no-win situations, creating chaos that no one else can figure out, or accusing others of trying to control them." --from BPD Central

If he's not familiar with your illness, he should be very aware of the kinds of instability and rage he MIGHT encounter being involved with someone who says they have BPD. There are lots of red flags and safety issues here.

It's asking too much.

He is familiar.. and I don't have borderline.... I'm borderline borderline, but thanks. I have the avoidant diagnosis. Anyhow like I stated it was his wish to have me do this, not the other way around.

How can you be a key holder for someone who lives so far away? I thought that the keyholder's task was to physically unlock the chastity device when prudent. What if he needs to go swimming with his family or see his doctor or go to the gym showers or ride a bike?

Ooh yay! 200 posts!

Symbolic I guess. His family lives in the same city I do. But that is why he also has a key... although I don't he'd do any of the things you listed.

 

[BigDuder]

Do you know what a d/s relationship is? I'm guessing not.. google it, and then keep your opinion to yourself.

Yes, I do; and I still think any one who enjoys being submissive to that extent is a little wacky. I didn't mean to offend, just to warn. I apologize if you are offended.

 

[B_Think_Kink]

Yes, I do; and I still think any one who enjoys being submissive to that extent is a little wacky. I didn't mean to offend, just to warn. I apologize if you are offended.

Your opinion.... except you can't tell someone who's every fantasy revolves around being submissive is wrong? If it is there choice than it is a conscious one.

 

[TheRob]

He's not scared to do it... he's nervous of asking another male to pierce his cock.

I wouldn't do that
it just isn't right
if someone is uncomfortable with something you don't try to convince them by offering up sex
to be honest it degrades you both in my eyes
moreso you tho if you want the truth

 

[B_Think_Kink]

I wouldn't do that
it just isn't right
if someone is uncomfortable with something you don't try to convince them by offering up sex
to be honest it degrades you both in my eyes
moreso you tho if you want the truth

Meh... your opinion I guess. He'll get it done weather or not I put sex in the equation.

 

[D_Eliassaph Daniell Goosegarden Jr]

Alright... lots of comments from folks who really don't seem to know much.
1. risk of infection is minimal. Pa is one of the safest piercings there is because the urine constantly sterilizes it.
2. It is probably a permanent hole, yes, though a urologist can repair it.
3. You might try looking at the BMEZINE site to learn more about it.
4. It would be VERY rare to pierce at 0 gauge. 8 or 6 is the norm and then you upsize as it naturally stretches.
5. Be VERY sure of placement. The urethra is in different places in diff guys. Sometimes the thickness of the wall from inside to out is a lot, sometimes not.

 

[wldhoney]

Yes, I do; and I still think any one who enjoys being submissive to that extent is a little wacky. I didn't mean to offend, just to warn. I apologize if you are offended.

You may already know this, BigDuder, but I will do my speel. :smile: D/s, M/s, T/b.....to those who don't have the desire for this type of lifestyle it can seem quite strange. Even I have the ability to be shocked. Most of the activities that are associated with D/s are hard limits for me. Needles, fireplay, hard bondage and suspension. There are some who like to have their labial lips sewn together and their balls nailed to a board.

Yes, there is a HIGH number of mentally and emotionally wounded, as well as abusers. This type of lifestyle is a breeding ground for predators and those seeking a free ride.

However, for many it is a choice made after years of confusion and searching. You would be surprised at those who are into it. You could be standing next to a husband and wife who look like they would go to your local church rather than home to a den of iniquity. In addition, it can be quite surprising just how many highly intelligent and successful people are involved. And wealthy. I have been to some peoples homes, heads of major companies based in Portland, whose basements are professional dungeons.

I, myself, am not a pain slut. For me it's more about domination, mental and physical. Knowing the male is stronger and able to make me want to submit to him. But others do react differently to pain, humiliation, servitude then a more "vanilla" person will.

The understanding within this lifestyle is Safe, Sane and Consensual.
You will find that those who are not are quickly outed and ostercized. It's a pretty tight knit community.

So, what is wacky to one person, may be just right for another.

Alright... lots of comments from folks who really don't seem to know much.
1. risk of infection is minimal. Pa is one of the safest piercings there is because the urine constantly sterilizes it.
2. It is probably a permanent hole, yes, though a urologist can repair it.
3. You might try looking at the BMEZINE site to learn more about it.
4. It would be VERY rare to pierce at 0 gauge. 8 or 6 is the norm and then you upsize as it naturally stretches.
5. Be VERY sure of placement. The urethra is in different places in diff guys. Sometimes the thickness of the wall from inside to out is a lot, sometimes not.

pas4fun, I may have missed some other comments, but I think the major concern is not the Pa itself, but whether or not the gentleman truly desires it. TK was asking if her telling him to get it was going too far.

 

[B_Think_Kink]

Alright... lots of comments from folks who really don't seem to know much.
1. risk of infection is minimal. Pa is one of the safest piercings there is because the urine constantly sterilizes it.
2. It is probably a permanent hole, yes, though a urologist can repair it.
3. You might try looking at the BMEZINE site to learn more about it.
4. It would be VERY rare to pierce at 0 gauge. 8 or 6 is the norm and then you upsize as it naturally stretches.
5. Be VERY sure of placement. The urethra is in different places in diff guys. Sometimes the thickness of the wall from inside to out is a lot, sometimes not.

1. Uh huh... I have a genital piercing.. I knew that already
2. Repair wouldn't be my department, his concern.
3. Yup been there done that... submitted some things..
4. I knew that.. and stated it would be done at 12-8ga.
5. Wouldn't that be the piercers concern? I'm not piercing it..

 

[BigDuder]

Your opinion.... except you can't tell someone who's every fantasy revolves around being submissive is wrong? If it is there choice than it is a conscious one.

yeah, i'm sorry again for having taken up space in your thread.

 

[B_Think_Kink]

yeah, i'm sorry again for having taken up space in your thread.

I'm not upset :smile: But there are many people who's preferances are far different from yours.

 

[fisterfanman]

I know this is an old thread, but I wanted to comment anyway. I can tell you from personal experience, the fear of the piercing is worse than the piercing, doesn't hurt much at all. As far as infections and such, as long as you keep it clean and dry, no problems. I started at a 12ga, and told myself I wouldn't go beyond a 6ga. Lol, I'm up to a 12.7mm tribal dream ring, which is about a 000ga. It's addictive and wonderful. I don't see it as "permanent mutilation", it's just jewelry. Ask a woman if she mutilated her earlobe, it's about presentation and I love it. If I took it out, the hole would eventually shrink small, although it wouldn't ever fully close, so I'll have a second pee hole. But I'll always have it, so no worries there.
I think it's beautiful and I wish I lived in a nudist colony so I could show it off.
Just a tip (excuse the pun) make sure the piercer gives enough room to stretch to the bigger gauges, I've seen pics online where there is 1/4" of skin between openings and that opens the door the ripping through and really mutilating his member.

 

[Notaes]

I'm a key holder to someone who lives across Canada from me. He initiated this, and he is very closely connected to me. We have had one night stand in the past, and he is older than me. He was unable to make it back to town this summer, and he said in return I can ask for anything I want. (Keeping in mind I have total control of his orgasm, and whatnot). I have always been fascinated with PA Piercings. So I posed it. He said my wish is his command. Which was the easy part. I know how scared he is to get it done, but that is how far he is willing to go to fuck me. He will be home around Christmas time, and I'm very excited. But I want a large gage PA, I'm thinking 0ga size. My question is... how far to too far? How much is it to ask for someone to permanently 'mutilate' themselves for sex?

Do they numb the penis when they pierce his cock? Always wondered about.