How much time is enough time to decide?

[shojishoji]

I am still in disbelief that in 2014 someone is asking this question.

Heres an FYI for you. . . . Bisexuals are what they are: Bisexual. They do not go thru a process of deciding 'what they want to be'. They are what they are. When a Bisexual decides to be with a woman, it does not make him straight. Nor does it make her gay.

The decision you are waiting for, is for this particular Bisexual man to decide to be with YOU. And I would say, after 12 years, that decision should be clear.

Best of luck to you. And I wish well for the 5 yo child caught in this situation.

Umm... in what way is the child "caught" in this situation??? What sort of morality angle are you going on here? That he should remain publicly "straight" for the sake of his child??? Talk about 2014??? Stop trolling and move on please.

 

[milwjocknow]

Get over yourself dude. He certainly has. Move along, before you end up stalking the guy, and wrecking his life. And his kids. NEXT.

 

[shojishoji]

Get over yourself dude. He certainly has. Move along, before you end up stalking the guy, and wrecking his life. And his kids. NEXT.

You seem to have a problem understanding the English language. I have spent a lot of time on this forum trying to understand bisexuality better, and think i know a lot more about it than before. You however are classic proof that finding a big dick is easy, but finding someone decent attached to it is not. I have read many of your similarly aggressive and knee jerk and downright rude responses to other peoples posts and queries, so trust me when I say your 2 cents is worth very very little to me. If anyone needs to get over themselves it's you. One day when he's ready he will post here himself, and you can eat your defeatist pathetic words.

 

[milwjocknow]

I think that his 12 years of actions have spoken volumes about his feelings toward you.
If the only steps he has taken in 12 years have been telling a friend he is bi, and telling his
sister about you, and getting horny once in a while for you, then he will never change.
But good luck with your dream. I only speak the truth. What happens to you is of no concern to me. You asked the question, and your question was a silly, immature one, at best. I answered. NEXT.

 

[shojishoji]

I think that his 12 years of actions have spoken volumes about his feelings toward you.
If the only steps he has taken in 12 years have been telling a friend he is bi, and telling his
sister about you, and getting horny once in a while for you, then he will never change.
But good luck with your dream. I only speak the truth. What happens to you is of no concern to me. You asked the question, and your question was a silly, immature one, at best. I answered. NEXT.

Yes I think please do move on to your "NEXT" consultation with its typically derogatory tone and high-and-mightiness... How you have not been banned from this forum yet I do not know. its clear to me that you are only wanting to project some of your own issues here, and are not actually reading or listening to what's going on. Fact is, when he came out to his best friend he also told him about me (as he did to his sister), as his best friend knows me from way back too, which is why it made sense to tell him. This is progress by anybody's book particularly when what I need is for him to be openly bi and happy with himself FIRST.

Fact is, AFTER my OP a psychiatrist diagnosed him with general anxiety disorder and major depression for which he is taking ssri's. THAT is progress, and he is definitely being much more communicative and loving and not as flighty. He would never have admitted that he needed psychiatric help before and it took a very long time to get to that point.

You can only give the advice you give based on your experience and I respect that, what I do not respect however, is your assumption that I was or am trying to stalk him and ruin his life (re his child) because that simply isn't true. Every time I have moved to another city, (very far apart) it is HE who has moved to the same city a few months later and surprise, there he is, reinitiating contact... not the other way around. At the moment, I am 9000 miles from him yet he still planning to come and visit me and see if we can take it to the next level. Yes it may happen, yes it may not, but your sad views on love would not permit that chance - shame on you. I feel sorry for you and anyone you claim to love milwjocknow. Please for everyone's sake here, MOVE ON to your next glib diagnosis.

 

[milwjocknow]

blah blah blah blah. you asked a question. i answered. best of luck, dear.

 

[shojishoji]

blah blah blah blah. you asked a question. i answered. best of luck, dear.

Yeah, without bothering to read it... Now piss off

 

[milwjocknow]

Weren't you the fool who asked how long it should take for a bisexual to decide if he's gay for you? Best of luck, you moron.

 

[shojishoji]

Weren't you the fool who asked how long it should take for a bisexual to decide if he's gay for you? Best of luck, you moron.

That was NOT the question and you know it. Your bs here is making you look more and more intellectually challenged. My observation from many many posts of lpsg by bisexual guys is the following:

1- bisexuality is very confusing
2- bi men's desire for men is unpredictable, but in general bi men get more into men as they get older
3- most men feel romantically attached to women but sexually attracted to men, but that this also changes when they get older

If you dispute that, well then you have not been paying attention. There is also lots of literature and theory talking about up to 16 different kinds of male bisexuality.

Now, in the context of what my BF said to me, which is primarily to do with COMING OUT (as either bi or gay- I don't care which) before he feels ok to commit to me more publicly, is that he currently feels 80/20 in favour of gay, but wants to feel 90/10 before he does so.

All I have asked is, given that most bi men experience change/growth (except for you of courses milwjocjnow) how much time for that change is reasonable, before being COMFORTABLE in identity, notwithstanding the other considerable psychological issues at play in his particular case.

In your case milwjocknow now you give no indication as to either your orientation of it you are out or not. This makes taking what you have to say very very difficult. If you are out then show some empathy and grow up. It's not the same for everybody. And if you are not out, then but the fuck out as you have even less to offer this conversation.

 

[milwjocknow]

I'll answer your original questions without the discussion, and then, I will never read this ridiculous topic again. So PLEASE feel free to ramble in your obviously delusional manner. Your words will not be seen by me.

Your answers: 1)you sound like a fool. 2) you are being played 3) he has spoken with his actions for 12 years. 4) you sound like a stalker. 5). He has a 5 yo child
6) leave him alone, he has told you everything you need to know. 7) stop fooling yourself with justifications, if he loved you, he would be with you. 8) good luck, and good bye

 

[shojishoji]

I'll answer your original questions without the discussion, and then, I will never read this ridiculous topic again. So PLEASE feel free to ramble in your obviously delusional manner. Your words will not be seen by me.

Your answers: 1)you sound like a fool. 2) you are being played 3) he has spoken with his actions for 12 years. 4) you sound like a stalker. 5). He has a 5 yo child
6) leave him alone, he has told you everything you need to know. 7) stop fooling yourself with justifications, if he loved you, he would be with you. 8) good luck, and good bye

YAWN....

 

[milwjocknow]

YAWN....

Good luck with your fantasy. You and your ridiculous topic are now dismissed. NEXT.

 

[1Cody]

Thanks for starting this discussion. You have given me some insight into my own bizarre situation. I don't think your situation is atypical rather based on my own experience somewhat normal. I met a guy 9 years ago and our first time partying he blew me. Shortly after, he got into me blowing him. He was at the end of his relationship that was already in trouble when we started playing. He did break up with his gf of 4 years, then we were room mates for a couple of months. Then he disappears completely. I was distraught because I was worried about if he was okay. Yes, I cared about him. Then he ends up in a relationship with one of my family members. She already knew who he was before she met him as I had showed her a picture of him and explained that though I wasn't gay that I seemed to have developed an emotional attachment to him and that I cared about him. Then when she finally meets him, she calls me on the phone and says, "I have to ask you a question about this guy, were you ever with him?" I could feel her holding her breath. I could tell she really wanted me to deny that I had been with him and that she really liked him. So I told her "No". She was instantly very happy. I knew that my answer meant that as long as she was with him, I could never take back telling her "no" and that I would never have a claim to him. I kind of figured that I would at least get to see him and if he was a part of the family, that I would know where he was. Well I did and she was abusive to him in many ways. I bit my tongue. After leaving the state to work for a couple of years, I returned. I met up with him. He had three significant relationships with women from our first phase to the second. The second phase he initiated like he did the first. Then he was trying to restart a relationship with my family member again while we were being intimate. The intimacy like yours was mostly oral and rarely ever anal play involved. Then we were room mates again and he starts a relationship with a woman again. Then when I kick him out, he goes to a completely different woman and has a long term relationship. We played around after that one, then he gets another woman. After she left him, he came around but this time he has started a significant relationship with another man. That is where he is now, I was dumb enough to be with him and he would spend time with me and then want to leave to go to the other guy.

He wants to be able to have his relationships and expects me to not have anyone. Thankfully, I have another long term friendship with a guy and he is always readily available. The other guy enjoys the convenience of having me around for a lot of reasons and it don't always have to be sexual. When he is being serious and don't want to play, he lets me know and I respect that. Well my infatuation the first guy knows of the second guy and gets jealous. I have cleared my schedule for the first guy and have been at his beck and call for whatever he wants or needs.

I had read that one thing that says, "don't make someone your priority, that for them you are an option." That made a lot of sense. I make the first guy my priority and he makes me his option. I am old enough to realize that with that much emotion involved, that the relationship has to play out. That means that it has to go through its beginning, middle, and end in order for it to really be over with.

Meanwhile the other guy is here with me, the first guy knows it. No I am not trying to be the one that wants it all my way, rather I am showing the first guy that I am not going to sit around and be alone or only be here for his convenience. I am not the wall flower at the dance that is just waiting and going to be grateful for the first guy that asks me to dance attention. No siree, I am going to be the one on the dance floor that if the other guy wants to dance, has to wait his turn.

If the first guy called or texted and said that he would make our relationship more permanent, I would go for it. In the meantime, I am not going to wait around for my turn again. This is the deal with bisexuality. The first guy is not gay or straight. I actually could see him having his girlfriends and I have respected that and stayed away. But when he got another man, it was the first time that I was angry and I let him know. It didn't make a difference. He still went to the other guy. Then he has the nerve to tell me, "I got acquainted with Johnny and we respect each other." What the hell does that mean? He was the first one to suck my dick in phase one and in phase two. Does his respect mean they are building a relationship based on being friends first? I am sorry, but I can't undo his first blowjob that he performed on me.

I am happy that he has met my other friend. My other friend has his qualities, extreme masculinity is one of them. Does the first guy feel like he is competing with that? I don't know. But I do know, I already told him that I would make him my exclusive if he wanted to be with me. So, the indecisiveness and failure to commit may be a feature of the being bi. I admit, I still get turned on by women and if given the opportunity might pursue a relationship as well. So in this instance, you being bi and him being bi you are both kind of out of sync.

 

[shojishoji]

Thanks 1Cody this is the kind of experience and insight (not to mention empathy) that I was hoping for from my OP. I am sorry for your experience and agree that you should never be someone's option while you have made them priority. That makes sense to me.

So far the jury is hung between "give him more time" and "walk away". Right now I couldn't be further away, I'm literally on the other side of the world and honestly time is not of the essence.

My discussions with his sister have been helpful. She, like him, says she also has commitment issues which are upbringing related (and not necessarily bisexual related) but the bisexual issue amplifies them.

I ask obviously interested in this topic, here, at lpsg, because it's one of the more frank and deeply sexual (as opposed to "bland" pop-psychology type) forums that you can get.

If anyone else knows where else one could be pointed on these issues of COMING out and being comfortable with being bi, please post and share.

Thanks!

 

[shojishoji]

1Cody: just so I am more clear about where u r coming from, did your no.1 ever tell you he loved you?

In my case this has happened a few times over the years, but only when he was drunk. We have had plenty of sober sex tho... Which is why I have not written him off as one of "those" bisexuals. Also, during his rehab, he became a bit religious (as if often the case) and that did put a bit of a spanner in the works for a while but that seems not so anymore. To reiterate my first post, apart from him definitely being bisexual and possibly being too scared to give up Hetero privilege, the other issue is his strong Calvinistic upbringing which certainly condemns it.

He would never cheat on his gf's to be with me, so to get around that moral problem he would often break up with them temporarily, so that he didn't feel like it was cheating...

Now he has been "single" (apart from me) for almost a year, and wants to give us a chance. My OP was about if I should give him that chance. (Something milwjocknow can't seem to get his head around)...

Anyway, just thought I should add that in, as it possibly should have been more clear in my OP.

 

[shojishoji]

1cody: and I really do feel for you re his being with another guy instead of you. That must hurt especially with the trite reason he have you! : (

 

[1Cody]

Like you I have waited and hoped. He never did tell me that he loved me. This last time I told him I loved him and he commented that it was the first time that I told him that I loved him. It was and in the context that he took it. He was raised Catholic and has held on to his religion many times. He has evolved over time. The first time he yells out, "Cody's gay!" I told him bs that he sucked my cock first. Then in the second phase I told him I wanted a relationship and he commented that he didn't have time for a relationship. This last time, I told him that I would marry him if gay marriage ever became legal in our state. His only comment when I asked if he would tell anyone or keep it a secret, was that his grandma wouldn't like it. So he has never outright rejected me. Wow! That is some insight. He has never outright rejected me. Other than spending time with me and then going to Johnny.

I do want you to understand one thing. His first live in of 4 years left the state when she broke up with him. Then his 3rd girl left the state as well. His last girl left the state. If he is driving them crazy like he does me, I can see why they will put time and distance between them.

I think I am in the process of learning to get beyond the first guy. I understand the second guy is not mine, and I have no illusions that I can have a relationship. The first guy somehow got into my blood. It seems that in everything we are out of sync. But then again like I keep mentioning, this may all be a feature of being bi. Maybe not knowing what one wants or knowing what one wants and changing one's mind all the time is a part of being bi. The three times previously when he ran to Johnny, I called Joe and he came right away. I wanted to show him that I wasn't the wall flower. I know the Joe is the shit. We went out to eat a Chinese buffet tonight and one girl did a double take when she saw him not once but twice. Everyone checks him out, when we go anywhere. I am glad he is my friend. The first guy did say when I dropped him off last time that he didn't know why I texted him, that I had Joe. I didn't try to explain. Joe is the cool one. He knows I care about the first guy and will even offer to accommodate my schedule if I am going to see the first guy. How cool is that?

 

[shojishoji]

You are lucky 1Cody. Seem's u r happy with Joe and vice versa. Maybe the problem with no.1 is that he was your first true love (from your side) and that's always hard to let go of at the best of times : )

 

[1Cody]

Yes, and today I talk to the first guy on the phone and I can hear in his voice he is at one of his points of acceptance again. Only thing is, I don't know what. But he almost sounded like his old self again. I didn't suggest getting together. I am going to tell him that if he wants to change the boundaries of our relationship that it is fine with me. I will remind him that from the get go it has always been sexual, so any change will really be a change. I don't know, maybe his comment about he and Johnny respecting each other was meaning for me to realize they are being friends and not sexual. When it comes to communicating and I ask a direct question, I never get a direct answer. It is almost like he says what is best to say at the time and not how he really feels. He has told me that I am his only real best (true) friend. That is true, but he is over 30 now and I am quite a bit older than him and I hinted that for young people there is always a tomorrow. When one gets over 40 those opportunities began to be more limited. Yeah, we are not promised tomorrow but I would really like to have a significant relationship with him. I feel like we could be good together and yes even happy. How is it going with your friend?

 

[shojishoji]

1Cody: at the moment our only plan is that he will fly out to see me in a few weeks time. I guess we will see from there onwards if it's finally meant to be? I am travelling on business quite a bit and he needs to save up for the flight, so right now it can't be any sooner , as painful as that is : )