How much time is enough time to decide?

shojishoji

Experimental Member
Joined
May 2, 2014
Posts
79
Media
0
Likes
15
Points
43
Location
Cape Town
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
Ok guys so its time for an update...

Said man has now come out to his "homophobic" brother (who doesn't judge - as if that's still the way to think about these things in 2014 - but its a very good start), he told his brother about "us" and he doesn't seem phased, and now has arranged to come and visit me for a 2 week holiday next month - where we will be alone and uninterrupted by anything/anyone for the first time in a very long time.

He says he doesn't want to put a label on his sexuality, but we have been fantasising about being with a girl together, and of course lots of sexting and video swapping in the mean time as I am so far away (yes I know I said I would give him space, but it was impossible when I saw progress happening so fast I didn't want to loose that opportunity or appear aloof)... having said that, last night he says he has been having dreams (not nightmares - I double checked that with him) of coming out to his friends, introducing to me to his friends as his boyfriend and generally being "Facebook official" I told him the timing is not right as I have recently broken up with an ex, and it will look very sudden, which of course it is not...

SO I think there has been some really good progress in terms of him accepting himself in the last few weeks, and to be honest, I really think the drug Cilift help him overcome his panic attacks and be more receptive to some of my communication which he might have otherwise thought was too controlling. He has written and said some very sweet things and I am honestly blown away. He said he has stopped the drug now, so I am hoping things stay on an even keel but who knows.

LPSG has made me understand so much of what to discount, and what to take seriously. For a long time I honestly thought he was 90% straight and that his attraction to me was just a horny curiosity (or simple need for attention) and that could not commit to me for that reason, but its not the case at all. His is 100% bi, and on telling him that I think he is the one for me, he wrote back saying: "The more I think about it, u might just be the one for me too"... So while in no way any commitment, at least he's thinking about that...

I am coming to the conclusion as well, in discussions with his sister and him, that what I thought was merely issues to do with confused sexual identity was actually a lot more complex, in that there are serious commitment phobia issues too, which may never be sorted but I know now not to take it personally...

What has been of interest to me too is that according to the experts Commitment Phobics tend to seek out the SAME! Which could be a reflection on me and this entire relationship in the first place, but does not take away from my attraction, affection and love for him. We have both been through childhood trauma and bonded over that in DEEP discussions recently which he says has made him want me even more he says. Maybe I should have lifted my skirt on those things earlier but its not my style.

Anyway...this is where we are today.

Thanks for your support and advice guys! an update after our holiday ; )
 

shojishoji

Experimental Member
Joined
May 2, 2014
Posts
79
Media
0
Likes
15
Points
43
Location
Cape Town
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
Ok guys so things are now "Facebook Official" between us ... and after 5 weeks of sleeping in the same bed, and lots of sex, I think things are starting to stabliize. He is still definitely bisexual but seems a lot more comfortable in simply being with me. No doubt there will be rocky patches but for now, its bliss. Thanks for your guidance along the way LPSG!
 

Cowboy_Jake

Sexy Member
Joined
Jun 13, 2009
Posts
200
Media
0
Likes
90
Points
113
Location
Southwest
Sexuality
80% Straight, 20% Gay
Gender
Male
Well to say the least, I am pleasantly surprised. I really did not think it would turn out the way it has. I am happy for you and hope things continue on its present track. :beerchug:
 

andy_life

Sexy Member
Joined
Sep 9, 2013
Posts
251
Media
0
Likes
69
Points
113
Location
uk
Sexuality
80% Gay, 20% Straight
Gender
Male
after leading a straight life having ever only having relationships with woman then to find you find men attractive is a real shock to both your heart and mind give the guy time, if he will know in his own mind when he's ready to accept he's either bi or gay
 

shojishoji

Experimental Member
Joined
May 2, 2014
Posts
79
Media
0
Likes
15
Points
43
Location
Cape Town
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
He has accepted deep down that he is bi, (if not gay) and he introduces himself as my boyfriend to new people etc, but he really has got a deep down homophobia. Public displays of affection only happen when he has had a drink or two, etc, and he is still very controlling about when sex happens. Fortunately it was frequently (about 5 times a week) up until about 4 days ago, but I am learning to be more patient now. Unfortunately I have a very high sex drive (according to him) and few inhibitions, so there is definitely a tension there. For me, I want to have sex with him at least twice a day, and would only not be in the mood if I literally had a headache or was ill.

Then of course there is the issue of the large penis... Mine apparently! (its really not that big at all, but he says its way too thick and jokingly wishes I could have a reduction) Anyway what confuses me no end is that he fantasises about taking it, and has dreams about me fucking him, but when we do it, it goes in, and all seems to be ok, but then he suddenly tells me to stop. It seems that physically there are no issues about getting it in, but actually letting go and allowing himself to be fucked is still a major issue for him.

We would normally flip over at that point and I love him fucking me so its not an issue but I can't understand how someone who fantasises about being fucked will stop when the hard part is already over...

Any suggestions on that point?
 

shojishoji

Experimental Member
Joined
May 2, 2014
Posts
79
Media
0
Likes
15
Points
43
Location
Cape Town
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
[We would normally flip over at that point and I love him fucking me so its not an issue but I can't understand how someone who fantasises about being fucked will stop when the hard part is already over...] - any ideas guys, its been 9 weeks of constant togetherness now and since the last post 3 weeks ago he has come with me inside him, but only once! He says he wants it, but somehow its always "too sore" (but I think that's all in his head)

We have also both stopped drinking as we were starting to have silly fights. I think we are both happy with that. 6 days since a drink...
 

shojishoji

Experimental Member
Joined
May 2, 2014
Posts
79
Media
0
Likes
15
Points
43
Location
Cape Town
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
Is there any chance he knows your passwords and the Web Pages you visit? If so, he knows what you are posting and therefore he knows you are serioslly thinking of leaving him. Can he read what you have posted here and in other Web Pages?

Hi Nectar... no he def doesn't know them. Also, I don't know why you are under the impression that I am thinking of leaving him? All is well really, we have been together for almost a year now, living together, solidly. Sex is good (3-4 times a week) I would prefer more but you can't have everything... He's a good person and despite occasional moodiness, we get on very well. Great cook, great lover, great handyman and he's bringing in the bacon too. I don't think I can ask for more. He refers to himself as "gay" now, although I know that's not 100% true, but I think it makes it easier for him to process...
 
9

933295

Guest
In my case I've always known that I was attracted to certain guys, just like I'm attracted to certain women...but not all. That's what tends to make bisexuality complicated. I've acted on my attraction to certain guys my whole life and have pretty much had some sort of intimacy with them. But since I'm not into getting fucked, most of the sexual stuff with guys has been oral, making out, sucking and getting sucked and body contact. When I'm that involved with another guy, I want ALL of him, and that included his semen. Does this help at all?
 
  • Like
Reactions: shojishoji

shojishoji

Experimental Member
Joined
May 2, 2014
Posts
79
Media
0
Likes
15
Points
43
Location
Cape Town
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
I suppose and update is in order - we have been married now since October 5th 2015, and while of course there has been counselling and a lot of two and fro re guilt, coming out, and of course his continued attraction to women, on the whole things are going well... We have moved countries together again, and are both being worked to the bone, which is stressful, but other than that, happy. Only caveat is that I know he is still thinking of women, and that is something we need to address in terms of how, I don't know...
 

hvdude

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Mar 9, 2015
Posts
3,080
Media
4
Likes
7,678
Points
283
Location
New York
Verification
View
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
I suppose and update is in order - we have been married now since October 5th 2015, and while of course there has been counselling and a lot of two and fro re guilt, coming out, and of course his continued attraction to women, on the whole things are going well... We have moved countries together again, and are both being worked to the bone, which is stressful, but other than that, happy. Only caveat is that I know he is still thinking of women, and that is something we need to address in terms of how, I don't know...

Having read most of the thread here is my two cents (and this is coming from a 100% gay guy): Talk to him. Communication is the only thing that can make or break a relationship. How do you know he is still thinking of women? Does he talk about being with a woman? Does he comment on women when you are out and about? If you answered no to either one then you are jumping to conclusions. If he does then ask him if he wants to explore that part of his sexuality (if you are willing). Maybe a MFM situation where you and she share him.

As for being "worked to the bone" that is more of a concern for me. You two need time together, even if it's to go see a movie and have a pizza. My husband and I call it "date night". Nothing fancy, but reminds us that we need to have some us time, catch up on things, and just be together. If you cook, you might also ask your boss for a 1/2 day and prepare an amazing dinner for him for when he gets home. Pull out all the stops. What do you think?
 

shojishoji

Experimental Member
Joined
May 2, 2014
Posts
79
Media
0
Likes
15
Points
43
Location
Cape Town
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
Having read most of the thread here is my two cents (and this is coming from a 100% gay guy): Talk to him. Communication is the only thing that can make or break a relationship. How do you know he is still thinking of women? Does he talk about being with a woman? Does he comment on women when you are out and about? If you answered no to either one then you are jumping to conclusions. If he does then ask him if he wants to explore that part of his sexuality (if you are willing). Maybe a MFM situation where you and she share him.

As for being "worked to the bone" that is more of a concern for me. You two need time together, even if it's to go see a movie and have a pizza. My husband and I call it "date night". Nothing fancy, but reminds us that we need to have some us time, catch up on things, and just be together. If you cook, you might also ask your boss for a 1/2 day and prepare an amazing dinner for him for when he gets home. Pull out all the stops. What do you think?

Good ideas thanks hvdude - well regarding his unwaivering desire for women he did tell me recently that he has been craving the "soft touch of a woman", and that he's feeling lonely and he has no friends (or rather, wants his "own" friends). Clearly we have a lot to talk about.
 

Samantha Hopkins

Loved Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2015
Posts
225
Media
0
Likes
666
Points
138
Location
Boston
Sexuality
99% Gay, 1% Straight
I have had this one friend since high school. We started having sex together in the summer between the eight and 9th grade. No one ever knew. We never stopped. We actually went to the prom with dates, dropped them off and met to have sex after.

Even after we graduated we stayed in touch. He is an incredible fuck, with this amazing curved cock which is just a little to big.

In my early 20's i definitely wanted more. He would sort of commit and then back off. I would get mad. He would get horny. I wouldn't say no. He would screw my brains out. And the cycle would repeat. But there was never any real there there. The best way to describe it was as the girl friend experience with a hooker. I loved the sex, but felt used after. he wouldnt talk to me for days after until he got over feeling weird about having sex with me.

He married, had kids and is the perfect husband, professional and so on. He could never be exposed as gay. And yet we still hooked up every chance he could get away with. I had my life, he had his. We just met up here and there.

I finally got over the fact that there was ever going to be anything meaningful between us. Our relationship became one of mutual use. I guess what I am saying is that just because there is some chemistry there, its doesn't mean there is a future. After 12 years, you are just in for another heart break.

I wished I hadn't wasted so much time thinking thee might be something possible. I feel stupid about it.
 

shojishoji

Experimental Member
Joined
May 2, 2014
Posts
79
Media
0
Likes
15
Points
43
Location
Cape Town
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
I have had this one friend since high school. We started having sex together in the summer between the eight and 9th grade. No one ever knew. We never stopped. We actually went to the prom with dates, dropped them off and met to have sex after.

Even after we graduated we stayed in touch. He is an incredible fuck, with this amazing curved cock which is just a little to big.

In my early 20's i definitely wanted more. He would sort of commit and then back off. I would get mad. He would get horny. I wouldn't say no. He would screw my brains out. And the cycle would repeat. But there was never any real there there. The best way to describe it was as the girl friend experience with a hooker. I loved the sex, but felt used after. he wouldnt talk to me for days after until he got over feeling weird about having sex with me.

He married, had kids and is the perfect husband, professional and so on. He could never be exposed as gay. And yet we still hooked up every chance he could get away with. I had my life, he had his. We just met up here and there.

I finally got over the fact that there was ever going to be anything meaningful between us. Our relationship became one of mutual use. I guess what I am saying is that just because there is some chemistry there, its doesn't mean there is a future. After 12 years, you are just in for another heart break.

I wished I hadn't wasted so much time thinking thee might be something possible. I feel stupid about it.

I am sorry for you. I know exactly how you feel, but since we are married, and he is "out" to friends and family and all in our business circles its slightly different. He has committed to me. But its the nagging feeling I have that his desire is so cyclical - that's all. I do love him for exactly who he is: bisexual, and many foibles and flaws besides:

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged."

That's how we approach our relationship, but sometimes the bi-card can be used as a get out of jail free card for sure... Trouble is, in his heart of heart, I know he loves me.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Samantha Hopkins