how much would you put up with?

[D_Maurice Mountlilly]

a friend of a friend found out that her fiance of just a few months(he proposed to her in front of both families on thanksgiving to be exact)has messed around with her brother,and on a few occasions in the past he's gotten oral sex from one of his male "buddies" when she heard from her brother about her fiance and he messing around(they used to jerk each other off in his car after school)
she got pissed at her brother,but being that her brother is open about everything,even his bi-sexuality,she had to find out.so after they had sex on the little couple's getaway they went on durring pillow talk she asked him if it was true. he didn't even blink or try to hide the fact that they did mess around. no lie he told her "i wore a latex glove and a condom,so it's like we never really touched" and then he dropped another bomb on her about his "friend" who gave him some blow jobs in the past.
he explained that as"it's nothing,because i wore a condom for that too,and i never got any cum in his mouth.and besides you know all my friends like looking at my dick" she was stunned,but didn't end the relationship.the wedding is this september.she told my friend she can't back out now.it would make her look bad because she's 36 and she's the only one out of all her friends who's not married.plus he's successful,her parents love him,ect.
my question is how much is too much to put up with for you to stay in a relationship? i still can't wrap my mind around this when i heard about it.she's a very pretty girl with alot going for her.

 

[petite]

You told her she can't back out of this relationship because she's 36? What's wrong with that? That's a terrible reason to tell her to stay with him. If she's going to stay with him it has to be for other reasons than pride, which requires her to pretend he's been faithful when it's seems obvious that those facts will eventually become public, and her age!

Aren't you concerned about the likelihood that he'll continue to hurt her with his cheating in the future?

His lack of remorse and his pathetic attempts to downplay his cheating by using the "I used a condom" argument would do it for me. That would end it for me. And I'm in my mid-thirties, too, btw, and I'm also unmarried. I feel no shame about that at all.

 

[RalDudeHangin]

Did these incidents happen "in the past" meaning before they were engaged or even dating? IF they happened before they were together, then it seems like the issue is her dealing with his bisexuality. Shouldn't be any different than admitting he had been with woman previously (tho of coure we know social stigma says this isn't true).

But if he messed around while they were dating or engaged, IMO it's the same as if he had messed around with another woman. Monogamy is monogamy regardless of the team.

 

[petite]

After reading RaldudeHangin's post I realize that I may have misunderstood. Are you talking about cheating or having issues with being married to a bisexual man who has been faithful to her?

If it's just that she discovered that he has history with both men and women, then that should be no problem at all. I don't think being bisexual should be an issue if both of them want a monogamous relationship and he's faithful to her.

If it all happened before they were dating, he should have no reason to hide any of his previous sexual experiences or be ashamed, especially if they are to be married. He should be able to trust her.

 

[cdog204]

There are all sorts of arrangements and relationships that people live with, quite happily, forever. Maybe the friend in question will be alright with having a husband who occasionally has a romp with a guy. You can't speak for what will or won't work for a specific couple.

 

[petite]

There are all sorts of arrangements and relationships that people live with, quite happily, forever. Maybe the friend in question will be alright with having a husband who occasionally has a romp with a guy. You can't speak for what will or won't work for a specific couple.

There's a huge difference between having an honest open relationship and just being a cheating bastard.

I don't think that's what the OP is asking now. I thought the OP was asking about cheating, but I think now he's asking about same-sex experiences that preceded their relationship.

 

[mattsrod7]

Did these incidents happen "in the past" meaning before they were engaged or even dating? IF they happened before they were together, then it seems like the issue is her dealing with his bisexuality. Shouldn't be any different than admitting he had been with woman previously (tho of coure we know social stigma says this isn't true).

But if he messed around while they were dating or engaged, IMO it's the same as if he had messed around with another woman. Monogamy is monogamy regardless of the team.

this is very pertinent information. Maybe he was experimenting but now he knows. I mean it'd be weird considering its her brother and friends, but maybe thats how he found her.

 

[Daxe]

If it happened before they were together it should be a none issue.

 

[jtmony08]

I believe she will have to decide how much she's willing to deal with. If she accepts "i wore a condom for that too,and i never got any cum in his mouth.and besides you know all my friends like looking at my dick," excuse, then go for it. Would most of us deal with someone who cheats and sleeps around, NO. Would most of us see these events as problems, YES. I don't see his sexuality as a problem so much as I see his denial of reality as a problem. The use of condoms don't excuse the event. Could he accept her having protective sex? Now, IF these events happened before they were together and she feels that he's committed to her, well, I suggest she tread slowly and don't rush into marriage. Better to move slowly and figure out exactly what she's getting into before she makes the "til death do you part" commitment.

 

[coachreffn]

Just taking one of the events - From the OP I gather that her fiance and her brother used to jerk off together in his car after school. The woman is in her mid thirties so I would assume the fiance is as well. She is upset because of something that happened over 15 years ago and when they were not dating? Odd. Equally odd is the fiance's statement that it didn't count because he wore a latex glove. Never heard that one before.

It boils down to how recent were these experiences. If in the past, let it lie there. He was open to her. I am even more disturbed by the fact that she opened up her fiance's sexual history to another guy. That seems a breach of hers right there. I am more concerned about the woman than the man in this particular situation.

 

[dolfette]

look bad? seriously??

 

[green carnation]

it was way in the past so it was not cheating. If i was her i would be concerned by the latex glove thing and my brother stirring things up

 

[nudeyorker]

I need more information, but on the surface of things I think she should run for the hills; it looks like a recipe for disaster and heartache to me.

 

[invisibleman]

my question is how much is too much to put up with for you to stay in a relationship?

I am a stickler for honesty. Tell it to me how it is with you. I will tell you how it is with me.

I don't want any smokers. I don't want any street chem users. If you play the field...I don't want you. If you are straight yet down low gay, I don't want you. If you are straight, down low gay, with wife and kids, I am not EVEN interested. If you are abusive, I don't want you. If I am not what you want or like, I don't want you to feel obligated in loving or liking me. Tell me and as soon as I am out of your life...I am going to be fine.

 

[B_quietguy]

I'd need to know more details before I could give a fair comment. Was he cheating on her? Or did all the sex with guys happen before she started dating him?

 

[dolfette]

people like this are the reason divorce rates are sky high.

they're both as bad as each other IMO.

he told her everything when she asked and she's made a deliberate choice to play ostrich because she wants do have a wedding.

 

[Enid]

If the question is about how much I would put up with for a big dick, then the answer would be not very much at all in most cases. I don't sweat petty stuff at all, but certain things like cheating are most certainly a no-no IMO. For me. For others I'm sure it works fantastically (open/poly relationships, that is, not cheating) -- with communication of course. It doesn't sound like she wanted an open relationship though.

And what's wrong with being 36 and not married? I think it's actually a mark of high intelligence to be extremely choosy about who you pick to wed. Not being choosy about important things leads to high divorce rate, that's for sure.

p.s. To dolfette -- jinksies!

people like this are the reason divorce rates are sky high.

 

[B_crackoff]

So the guy experimented when he was younger. Big deal!

The glove stuff is just to tell her it was safe sex.

She should get over herself.

 

[D_Maurice Mountlilly]

Did these incidents happen "in the past" meaning before they were engaged or even dating? IF they happened before they were together, then it seems like the issue is her dealing with his bisexuality. Shouldn't be any different than admitting he had been with woman previously (tho of coure we know social stigma says this isn't true).

But if he messed around while they were dating or engaged, IMO it's the same as if he had messed around with another woman. Monogamy is monogamy regardless of the team.

the hook-ups with her brother was in the past.
but the blow job buddy thing still might be going on,from what my other friends have told me he's been known to jerk off/get naked for his male friends alot.her being with him suprised me because she's the first person to talk about how rude and unpolite it is to even discuss sex-related stuff.
and from what i was told this morning, the main friend of his went down on him twice three months into the relationship.

 

[D_Maurice Mountlilly]

people like this are the reason divorce rates are sky high.

they're both as bad as each other IMO.

he told her everything when she asked and she's made a deliberate choice to play ostrich because she wants do have a wedding.

i agree.i wanted to tell her this but my other friend who's closer to her than i am told me i'd be over-stepping the line by saying so.and that i don't understand. like i said before i'm dumbfounded,because she's dumped other guys for less.