How Nuts is This?

[24cm_member]

I haven't been on a whole lot lately because I've been reeling from a nasty break up.

I met my ex about 6 months ago at a bar, and we ended up ditching our friends and talking all night. I had been single for a couple years at this point, she had been single for about 6 months, after a relationship of seven years. Her ex is insane. Insane is a nice way to put it. She had a restraining order on him, and did things such as randomly violate his order conditions by showing up her place drunk, high or both at 4 am. She originally left him because he was (and still is abusive). She said she was completely over him, wanted nothing to do with him, yada yada yada. I was stupid enough to believe her. Unfortunately.

She then rescinded the restraining order about three months into the relationship saying she wanted to make amends with him and get him to leave her alone. I was fine with that. About a month ago, all of the sudden, he's engaged. She said it herself, he was doing this to spite her. So, what does my ex do? Dump me, and less than a month later, she's engaged to him, and saying she doesn't care what her friends say (or her parents for that matter).

I treated her very well, so this came as a major shock to me. Her friends consistently commented that I was a very good thing for her, and her parents loved me. This girl has four degrees, and yet she's now engaged to a guy who's destined to make $10 an hour for the rest of his life. Maybe one of the ladies explain this. I'm at a complete loss.

 

[RedScrotum]

It sounds to me as if you may be the luckiest guy on earth.

 

[HazelGod]

She used you long enough to regain her feelings of validation as a person, then tossed it all aside again in pursuit of a baser, more primal urge.

Don't beat yourself up over it...just take it in stride. You alone cannot be the foundation for two people. For a relationship to function, you must each have a role in strengthening the other.

From your post, it's clear that you were the rock for her to climb out of the raging sea of her past. What isn't clear is any value that she was providing to uplift you as a person. Whereas you were heavily invested, emotionally...it doesn't seem she was.

My advice...stay away from such damaged goods if you're looking for a relationship. A casual fuckbuddy? Sure, no problem...but don't date them. They aren't girlfriend material.

 

[24cm_member]

Any chance you're a psychotherapist? lol. Well said.

 

[B_AZBiGuy]

Red's right.. you were lucky that you found out how crazy she was this early on. Imagine if you had popped the question to her?!

Besides, you're a good looking guy with a hot cock... u could do MUCH better!

 

[spunkyboy2008]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Love and attraction/infatuation is a strange and illogical thing though that can be difficult to explain logically sometimes.

A few years ago I was in a very strange and destructive relationship with a guy who was a total loser. Unattractive, selfish, very strangely behaved... I can't see what I saw in him now but at the time I was infatuated. He would say he was going to see me and then not turn up, he even moved to a totally different town and didn't tell me and made up excuses why he couldn't come over. Eventually after he admitted he'd stolen from work to buy cocaine I had enough and left him. Some people though never make that step.

So I think your ex is in a similar situation with this guy, but it doesn't look as though she can break his hold over her. It sounds as though she had a chance with you to get over him, but didn't. It's her loss and I wouldn't let her play games if she tries to come back. Don't beat yourself up that she's chosen him over you, it is illogical.

 

[24cm_member]

I'm back on the Market, and have met some girls that blow her out of the water with physical attraction. Unfortunately, it's not a physical attractiveness that I have a problem with. It's the mental end of things. I don't want to sound like I'm tooting my own horn, but my last IQ test put me in the top fifteenth percentile of the Canadian population. Meeting someone who looks good, but also has my interests, (Politics [did my undergrad in it, going back to do more when I can afford it], Philosophy, as well as fishing and hunting and general outdoors) and can also converse with me about it, or be willing willing to learn and vice versa if they have interests different from me has been one of my biggest problems.

But I think I found a replacement for my ex, lol.

 

[HazelGod]

Any chance you're a psychotherapist? lol. Well said.

Nah...I just moonlight on the net. Seriously, though, I've seen this very thing happen to three of my close friends during our 20s.

 

[HyperHulk]

It sounds to me as if you may be the luckiest guy on earth.

amen. That sucks that you had to experience that, although I can't help but feel that she did you a tremendous favor by exposing herself after 6 months, instead of marrying you and going back to him later (or someone like him). It sounds like to me that your ex-gf never dealt with her own co-dependency that often accompanies abusive partners. That's a shame, but take comfort in the fact that there was nothing you could have done. Unfortunately, it's not about what you could offer her, it was what you couldn't--the high drama and self-destruction that the other guy offered. She isn't the person for you. There are millions of well-adjusted, emotionally stable women out there who will match with you and appreciate what you have to offer. Now you have the freedom to find one. Good luck.

 

[24cm_member]

On a post script, I actually surprised myself how quickly I got over her and moved on. When the break up happened, I was a mess, and did some pretty stupid things (most of which being of the same name as Metallica's first live album). But a month later, after cutting off all contact from her, and totally immersing myself in other things instead of wallowing in my own misery (sounds like the beginning of an Emo song), I feel probably the best I have in my entire life.

 

[24cm_member]

Nah...I just moonlight on the net. Seriously, though, I've seen this very thing happen to three of my close friends during our 20s.

That's exactly where I am, age wise I mean.

I want to thank you all for your support. As odd as it sounds, being told similar things by friends just didn't seem quite the same. More like they were trying to lift me up.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Just a word of warning...

Women or men who file restraining orders are not a good bet.

They don't get into the kind of situations that result in restraining orders by pure accident.

 

[24cm_member]

Just a word of warning...

Women or men who file restraining orders are not a good bet.

They don't get into the kind of situations that result in restraining orders by pure accident.

I've learnt that now. Unfortunately only hindsight is 20/20, lol.

 

[B_AZBiGuy]

Excellent point Phil!

Thank god I'm married...

 

[24cm_member]

Excellent point Phil!

Thank god I'm married...

You're one lucky SOB! haha. I'm only kidding, so please don't take that the wrong way. I'm hoping that eventually I'll have the same chance though. :smile:

 

[Reallyonlyme]

I count myself lucky that I've never experienced this personally, but I had a friend who was involved with an abusive guy.

I lost count how many times I helped her "escape", I drove her all over the country to various relatives so she could get herself together. Yet she always ended up back down here with him.

I eventually gave up, not my proudest moment, but sometimes you just gotta know when to quit. No idea where she is these days, but I hope she's happy.

 

[B_AZBiGuy]

I don't take it in any way other than a compliment! Being married to a very hot and wonderful lady who allows me some man-on-man dalliances is fucking AWESOME!!

I hope you find the right woman who is everything you're looking for 24cm... you seem like a great catch!

 

[Marissa1]

Sorry for your pain. You will see, in time, how you dodged a bullet!

So, what did you learn? See the red flags?
1. her ex was insane. Okay, we are all insane sometimes, but you have to ask yourself why she wouldbe this someone who was insane...
2. restraining order? restraining order=run away as fast as you can
3. women who are abused are in an emotional state of bad self esteeem that trying to understand it is impossible and best left for another discussion.
4. why would you want someone who would prefer the bad guy? But, it happens all the time. (but, it doesn;t make it any easier for you, I know!!)

Some woman will appreciate you, the nice guy, in the future. In the meantime, perhaps frequent other places (not bars) where you can meet quality women.....a sports club, a running group or other group of your particular interest, church, through friends, but still be open to seeing the red flags!!

Good luck and big hug to make you feel better.!!!

 

[24cm_member]

Again, thanks for all the support everyone! It's definitely given my uplifting feeling a huge boost

 

[westy30004]

Riddle me this....why are women attracted to beaters and dudes in prison? It seems to me (thankfully I am out of the dating game-16 years of marriage) women are ridiculously loyal to convicts and guys who beat them. Never understood that....