How overweight is too much for you?

[1098270]

I have a general question for gay and bi men. I am overweight myself, and though I have lost almost 90 LBs this year, I guess I can still be considered a chub at 5'9" and 260 LB. Since my early 30s I put on weight, but it wasn't until my Mom died and I went through a bad relationship that i got real depressed and really put on the pounds, and 2 years ago I was at my heaviest at 385 lb and started having health issues (which motivated me to get healthier). Also, this past year, I have realized I am bi, and have tried meeting other guys online, with no success. I know a lot of it has to do with being overweight. Aside from the health benefits, I am actively trying to continue to lose weight to look better and feel better about myself. So, I was hoping for some feedback from gay and bi men on how big is too big, or maybe how overweight is still okay to you. Like, if you saw someone around 5'9", what size would you say to yourself," that guy is a little chubby, but I'd still do him?"

 

[bkmuscledad]

Firstly, I'm sorry about your Mom. I, too, would have a very hard time dealing with that.
The problem with online meets is that it's based solely on the visual. Guys who can't see passed the extra weight you carry are missing out. Keep up the great work. There are sites that cater specifically to heavier guys and the guys who find heavy guys attractive, such as Grommr, but you're on a trajectory to lose weight and you won't be that heavy forever, based on your progress so far. Getting an answer to your question, basically "what's the threshold where overweight becomes unattractive?" is a subjective question, and you may be surprised at some of the varied answers you get.
You have something else going for you ... you know you're in control of your life, and have the determination to keep improving yourself, and not wallow in self pity. That's a big turn on.
I know this may not be the total answer you want for this time in your life, but with your attitude, it will definitely improve, as long as you connect with people who appreciate you for who you are, regardless of your weight.
PS: I am on a similar path, having lost about 40 pounds in the past year, and working toward losing more.
Let me know what you think, and if you want to get into details and message me directly, feel free.
Wishing you all the best, Joe

 

[1098270]

Thank you for your thoughtful and considered response Also, thank you about my Mom. It was 5 years ago, and though one never gets over a loss like that, one learns to live with it.

I expected that I may get varied responses, which really is what I would like to see. I know there are guys who may like overweight guys, and some who absolutely don't. I have tried a couple sites, just no luck. Mostly no replies back, but I had a few replies where interest on my end wasn't there for whatever reason.

 

[bkmuscledad]

I'm kind of an anomaly (based solely on my observation), because I have a tremendously wide range of tastes when it comes to what I find attractive. I can look at 20 very different looking people and find them all attractive, including everything from slim to fit to muscular to heavy, male, female, dark, light, older, younger ...

 

[OKCLane]

Well it sounds like you’re on the right path and have a great mindset.
I’m convinced that everyone has a matching heart out there.
I have two very good friends who prefer large men. I’m a small guy so I’ve never dated or been with bigger (height or weight) guys because I feel even smaller.
I always suggest that single find volunteer opportunities that align with their interests. You just might find your man but if not you’re helping your community.
Best of luck my friend.

 

[winesthel945]

You should first and foremost get to a place that's healthy and comfortable for you. As RuPaul says, if you can't love yourself, how in the hell is anyone else going to love you? So do what you need to do to be happy. Then, as many have said above, you might be surprised to find that there's plenty of people out there who will find you attractive at whatever body shape that is. You need only look at apps like Scruff and Growlr and even the notoriously twink-filled Grindr where you'll find folks into any and all body types. I'm a huskier, stocky sort of guy and I've done just fine on all those apps. There's also apps and sites for people into exclusively larger folks, if you find that those other outlets aren't doing it for you.

In the end, feeling comfortable in your own skin and being happy and healthy is far more important for your success in finding love and companionship than your waist size at any given moment. People will be attracted to someone who feels confident and is enjoying their life, whether they've got a 6-pack or keg under their shirt.

 

[LICNYCgay]

I'm with @bkmuscledad I find all kinds of men attractive. From beefed up gym boys to luxuriously large bear men. And everything in between. There are guys out there who feel the same. Chin up. Keep looking.

And I'd also encourage you not to plan on losing weight, but getting healthy. Check out this article. Everything You Know About Obesity Is Wrong

Go for health, not for weight loss per se. Much more realistic goal, and less body shaming if you find you can't make your weight loss goals.

 

[notN2pussy]

I think it's not just how much weight, but also the build. I have two large friends, they look fine

 

[bkmuscledad]

I'm with @bkmuscledad I find all kinds of men attractive. From beefed up gym boys to luxuriously large bear men. And everything in between. There are guys out there who feel the same. Chin up. Keep looking.

And I'd also encourage you not to plan on losing weight, but getting healthy. Check out this article. Everything You Know About Obesity Is Wrong

Go for health, not for weight loss per se. Much more realistic goal, and less body shaming if you find you can't make your weight loss goals.

Thanks, LIC, and thanks especially for the link to a great article on the subject of weight loss.

 

[StormyB]

I'm sorry to hear about your moms; I don't think I could survive losing my moms at this point ( lost my dad last year and my mom is literally everything to me).

Honestly, being overweight is never a good thing of course, just the same as being underweight ( for obvious reasons), however, i'd say as long as the person is motivated and willing to work on their health and we can keep each other motivated, that is something I can work with. As bkmuscledad says, online is mostly visual and in the majority of societies the concept of beauty for men--and especially the gay community--usually tips in favor of the beefy, muscled, strong jawline, ect by a landslide so of course that's what most will seek out, so I wouldn't even be to pressed about online success. As long as you have motivation and goals, the weight becomes not much of an issue at all ( speaking for myself of course).

 

[1224998]

My last fun partner was an older heavier set man. He was up front about his size as he had a body pic on his profile on the silverdaddies site.

He was nice, had patience with my newness with being with a man and we got along. His physical size became not as important as the connection took priority and made our experiences enjoyable.

 

[1098270]

I am still reading them all, but thank you everyone for the replies.

 

[902369]

Honestly, gay men don’t like fat men unless it’s covered in fur (and the bears are picky too). Even fat gay men don’t like other fat gay men. Ironically, if you’re underweight this is completely ok because it highlights your child-esque figure and you can call yourself a “twink”. If you want a man you should lose weight, that’s just the reality.

 

[antiquityscion]

Honestly, gay men don’t like fat men unless it’s covered in fur (and the bears are picky too). Even fat gay men don’t like other fat gay men. Ironically, if you’re underweight this is completely ok because it highlights your child-esque figure and you can call yourself a “twink”. If you want a man you should lose weight, that’s just the reality.

I don't know if I would have put it that, umm (how do I say it diplomatically without starting shit with anyone)....unsugar-coated, but it's pretty accurate. There are a lot of gay guys, mostly in their teens to I'd say mid-30s, who only like skinny or fit/muscular guys. No fault of anyone, it just is what it is.

But there are guys out there who are ok with chub guys, but they are usually other chub guys. There are a few chasers out there, but they usually expect the chub to be a bottom. At least that's been my experience, as a chub top bi guy, who pretty much has sex with only men these days.

 

[bkmuscledad]

Honestly, gay men don’t like fat men unless it’s covered in fur (and the bears are picky too). Even fat gay men don’t like other fat gay men. Ironically, if you’re underweight this is completely ok because it highlights your child-esque figure and you can call yourself a “twink”. If you want a man you should lose weight, that’s just the reality.

I don't think that Nellon is totally wrong, just like all media has us focused on young, slim, fit, beautiful, as if anything outside that description isn't desirable. Perhaps living in NY gives me a different perspective; here you find many people of all different descriptions and tastes. Yes, I agree that the majority are seeking the popular ideals of attractiveness, but there are plenty of people here who favor other types. That's been my experience.

 

[902369]

I don't think that Nellon is totally wrong, just like all media has us focused on young, slim, fit, beautiful, as if anything outside that description isn't desirable. Perhaps living in NY gives me a different perspective; here you find many people of all different descriptions and tastes. Yes, I agree that the majority are seeking the popular ideals of attractiveness, but there are plenty of people here who favor other types. That's been my experience.

I used to live in NYC. It’s the same everywhere lol. Also NYC is just another city that attracts gay men from flyover areas of the USA that bring their “ideals” of beauty to the Big Apple.

 

[AdamHenry]

Being a bi late bloomer, I can identify with your situation. Just be yourself. Make sure you're not always chasing the butterfly. I can tell you from experience, while some by appearance may look like a prize. Their attitude is the contrary. I find that the prejudice against people who don't fit the prevailing standard of beauty in the gay community is actually worse than the straight community. (my experience) Just be patient and it'll come. It's just harder for some of us than others. But that's life for ya.

 

[bkmuscledad]

I used to live in NYC. It’s the same everywhere lol. Also NYC is just another city that attracts gay men from flyover areas of the USA that bring their “ideals” of beauty to the Big Apple.

Not sure if it's a location thing (that was the only thing I could think of), and even though the vast majority of guys I've come across fit your description, I know quite a few who would find a guy like @thanosthemadtitan hot.

 

[902369]

Not sure if it's a location thing (that was the only thing I could think of), and even though the vast majority of guys I've come across fit your description, I know quite a few who would find a guy like @thanosthemadtitan hot.

Sure but it’s only a few. I honestly think most gay men find physically attractive whatever body type is mostly shown in gay porn. Like gay men don’t think for themselves because the human brain is easy to manipulate. For example, if tomorrow gay porn studios started only showing a massive amount of guys with dad-bods, it would be met with resistance first but eventually guys would be more attracted to dad-bods. You could measure the increase in attraction via gay apps like Grindr by filtering keywords like “dad-bod” and see the increase in usage over time. It’s a theory of mine that I feel reflects reality.

 

[bkmuscledad]

Sure but it’s only a few. I honestly think most gay men find physically attractive whatever body type is mostly shown in gay porn. Like gay men don’t think for themselves because the human brain is easy to manipulate. For example, if tomorrow gay porn studios started only showing a massive amount of guys with dad-bods, it would be met with resistance first but eventually guys would be more attracted to dad-bods. You could measure the increase in attraction via gay apps like Grindr by filtering keywords like “dad-bod” and see the increase in usage over time. It’s a theory of mine that I feel reflects reality.

I would definitely agree, and that theory of yours actually works with all sorts of media and images, not just gay porn. Spoon feed people enough and they'll eat whatever they're being served: bad comedy, crappy reality TV shows, etc. Thanks for that perspective.