How should I ask him?

[MrHappy]

Hello!

I've been talking to this guy recently and we may start dating. This will lead to some sexytime and he's a bit older and more experienced me regarding that. Now, I don't have any dating questions BUT I want to know when and how I should ask if he is STD free. While we will use safe sex (or he ain't tapping this), I would like to know regardless of what measures we take. I don't want to risk catching HIV or herpes or hepatitis or whatever disease he may be carting around. I have no reason to think he has anything but I am paranoid.

How do I ask him this? It's not exactly a sexy question, nor is it really a polite thing to ask about. I agree that I need to ask before anything happens and that if I plan on doing the no pants dance I should have the ability to at least ask. However, I want to do it with grace and tact.

Help me!

 

[ThatFellaUK]

Ask him. Not the most fun thing to do, granted. But more fun than the Clap. Or God forbid, HIV.

Shouldn't really be that big a deal these days, should it? I've asked girls before. They've asked me. Honesty works best.

How bout, "I know we play it safe and that's cool, but do you mind if I ask how often you get checked?"

I can't really imagine anyone who ocasionally sleeps with people can be overly offended, for obvious reasons.

 

[B_cockluv10]

A standard part of "getting to know you" conversations with someone I'm interested in sex with goes something like this:

"My last test was ______ and I'm negative. When was your last test?"

Asking someone about their status re STDs isn't impolite. Neither is ending things if his answer is vague or evasive.

 

[MrHappy]

Err...

Well, I suppose, in addition, how do I test myself? I've only had sex with one person and I have no symptoms. Plus it was just oral. Should I get a test?

 

[ThatFellaUK]

You can still catch things through oral sex. Set up an appointment with your GP. They'll go through your history with you to decide what to test for and how.

 

[Gornes]

Just use a condom the first times
Ask later...

 

[cdunstan1]

Err...

Well, I suppose, in addition, how do I test myself? I've only had sex with one person and I have no symptoms. Plus it was just oral. Should I get a test?

That's a perfect way to bring up the topic.
"I just had an STD test. When is the last time you were checked?"

 

[693987]

There is nothing wrong at all with asking a soon-to-be-sexual-partner what their STD/STI status is. Your local Planned Parenthood/Family Planning (I looked and saw you're in the USA) should do testing for a reasonable fee.

Even with barriers/safe sex practices, it's good to get checked. May be easier to broach the topic with him after you've gotten yourself checked. Then you can say "Hey, I just got checked last week for STD/STI and came up clean... I know we're going to be using condoms and all that, but I was wondering when you last got checked?"

 

[erratic]

Just use a condom the first times
Ask later...

Not-so-good advice. While using condoms is a great idea, it doesn't negate all risk in terms of transmitting STIs.

That's a perfect way to bring up the topic.
"I just had an STD test. When is the last time you were checked?"

Fantastic advice.

You can absolutely catch STIs from just one partner, and from only having had oral sex. Herpes (be it cold sores or genital herpes - they can co-infect and cross-infect), syphilis, and other STIs can be transmitted through oral sex. In fact, most STIs can be transmitted orally, and herpes can be transmitted even using a condom. Herpes is transmitted by contact, not by fluid transfer.

My addition to what cdunstan wrote would be to talk about it when it's not sexytime. Talk about it when you're both sober, un-horny, and otherwise un-intoxicated. It's also a good time to talk about what you're okay with doing, sexually. "I just want to be sure we both know what each other's boundaries are, and how far we're willing to push them, and I want to make sure we're being safe."

Frankly, I was much more attracted to guys I dated who brought that shit up because it says to me "I've got my shit together and you can trust me." And there's nothing sexier than trust.

 

[Infernal]

No matter how uncomfortable it makes you, you have to ask him. If he doesn't know, then he needs to find out. If you don't know, then you need to find out as well. Many places offer free testing, and you could go together. If you can't trust each other, there really isn't much there to build a relationship on. Ignorance is no excuse.