How Should I React

[TrueB2]

This thread is mostly curiosity and boredom so yeah...

I have this friend I've known for a few years and he's bi. He told me a while back he had a crush on me. Ever since then he would be more "hands on" and make remarks about us being together. Every time we would hang out he'd end up asking me what i'd do if he kissed me to which is always reply "I don't know." Eventually he got a girlfriend and I thought he would back down a bit, but he never did. One day we were hanging out and he kissed me. I was a bit shocked. He then told me that if things didn't work out with his girlfriend he would want me. Well after that night he began being more distant and went out of his way to reply to my text with the words "fam" or "bro" after about every text and I'm so very confused.

Now with that said I left out saying how i felt during all of this. That's because I have never idea what or how I felt. It was all just kind of strange to me. And there was also that "knowing someone has a crush makes you slightly interested" aspect about how I felt. Though I do care about him, I've never really cared about being in a relationship or sex with anyone. I already have a pretty idea of his sudden change (seems pretty obvious) But what do you think?

 

[halcyondays]

I think his interest felt strange to you and you don't really care about being in a relationship or having sex with him.

You don't say but I'm guessing things are working with his girlfriend which is why he stopped expressing interest in you.

 

[TrueB2]

I think his interest felt strange to you and you don't really care about being in a relationship or having sex with him.

You don't say but I'm guessing things are working with his girlfriend which is why he stopped expressing interest in you.

He and his girlfriend actually split up exactly a year ago...when I say exactly I just mean month wise

 

[LilJock]

I think you owed it to him to let him know how you felt, even if you're not sure yourself. There's nothing worse than a "tease". I know. I've been called that myself. In not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, I was ultimately unkind in the end. Don't string a person along.

 

[TrueB2]

I think you owed it to him to let him know how you felt, even if you're not sure yourself. There's nothing worse than a "tease". I know. I've been called that myself. In not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, I was ultimately unkind in the end. Don't string a person along.

I get what you're saying. I told him I was unsure how I felt, but other than that ehh. Me "teasing" him would be more so me being terrible in social situations and always being anxious around others

 

[spaj8987]

Not an expert. Not a psychologist or anything like that. So take what i'm about to say with a grain of salt. My first though is that he is in fact attracted to you. I just don't think he knows why.

What happens when you have a ball in an area of water then suddenly pull the ball out? A vacuum is created right? And the water is then kind of sort of attracted to where the water used to be.

From my experience and reading a few things online certain kinds of people are attracted to certain voided spaces in others. Generally speaking we live in a very expressive world. Where people knowingly and unknowingly talk about their feelings often. Even constantly. So much so we sort of expect certain kinds of people to be open about certain kinds of things. And when we don't get that we sometimes wonder why. And sometimes that wonder turns into investment. And that investment can sometimes be confused as or turn into attraction.

I think they might be attracted to you not being as expressive. Seeing is as maybe an ability that others may not have. I would imagine you're either expressive when it comes to your sexuality or you just don't talk much about it. While he may be a bit confused on his (not saying this because you said he's bi. Saying this because he told you if things with his girlfriend and yada yada).

If he were happy in that relationship and didn't want it to end i don't think he would have said that to you. Or acted the way he did afterward. My guess (and it's just a guess) is that right now he's feeling kind of unstable emotionally. He might still be attracted to you and might have always been so but lately might be more attracted to you because of what he might see as your void. A place where things don't seem to get to you as much as other people. Your seeming none reactions.

Could be wrong about all this but i'm also guess for him that's a double edged sword. He likes that you're like that but that it confuses him even further when it comes to needing certain feelings or words said back. Hence why the then bro and fam thing.

I think he's recoiling because you didn't seem to react but is also drawn in further because you didn't seem to while still being weary that you didn't and enjoying that you didn't. So yeah, i think he's stuck in a loop of his own making.

Best advice i can give if i'm right is communication. Keep in mind. People really REALLY don't like talking about those kinds of emotions in situations like this. So depending on how it goes...you could lose a friend. Could lose a potential significant other. And that communication isn't just between you two. Before you talk to him, i'm thinking it's a good idea to fully work out if you have feelings for him or not. Then work honestly and with care from that when you talk to him.

Hope it works/worked out for you (saying that because i could be pretty late here).

Oh and there might also be an tired extrovert energized introvert thing going on here you might also want to look into.

 

[Brodie888]

I think it's pretty clear. He really wants to be in a sexual relationship with you.
He knows you aren't interested so he's trying to kill those unrequited feelings by creating distance mentally. He's also developed resentment because you are leaving him hanging.
So what you need to do is make up your mind if you want something more or not. When you decide, tell him clearly either you just want to be friends and nothing more or you want to take things further. Be definitive. This is what a good friend would do.
Being indecisive and leaving him hanging with a trickle of hope is horrible. Stop feeding your ego and do the right thing.

 

[TrueB2]

I think it's pretty clear. He really wants to be in a sexual relationship with you.
He knows you aren't interested so he's trying to kill those unrequited feelings by creating distance mentally. He's also developed resentment because you are leaving him hanging.
So what you need to do is make up your mind if you want something more or not. When you decide, tell him clearly either you just want to be friends and nothing more or you want to take things further. Be definitive. This is what a good friend would do.
Being indecisive and leaving him hanging with a trickle of hope is horrible. Stop feeding your ego and do the right thing.

Though I agree with you for the most part, I definitely wouldn't say im feeding my ego. My indecisiveness is from being unsure how I feel (which is something I struggle with in every situation) and anxiety. I've never been in a situation like that and it makes me uncomfortable, which, I've told him.

 

[Brodie888]

Though I agree with you for the most part, I definitely wouldn't say im feeding my ego. My indecisiveness is from being unsure how I feel (which is something I struggle with in every situation) and anxiety. I've never been in a situation like that and it makes me uncomfortable, which, I've told him.

As you have stated previously, this has been going on for years. Years.... If you can't decide if you want to fuck someone after years of thinking about it, you have some significant underlying issues that need to be addressed. Life is too short to take that amount of time to come to a decision. You are missing out on too many opportunities. You are lucky he hasn't shrugged you off sooner.

I may be coming off a bit harsh but I am just trying to convey the degree of paralysis you are in.