HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by B_werfghj, Jun 25, 2005.

  1. B_werfghj

    B_werfghj New Member

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    So, my wife comes home during her lunch break tell me that she had a discussion with the people at her work, about recient events of her being excluded from certain activities.
    anywho.. she goes on to tell me that she feels that I dont want her to work there.
    and to tell you the truth, I think she is better then that place.
    she has spearheaded new training programs that have brought up profits, and customer satisfaction.
    she has not seen a extra dime from that.

    The man she cheated on me with works for the same company.
    - although I have no ill will twords him, and I totally trust her, I am still not comfortable with the fact that she has to talk to him, even if it is only work related.

    Other people that work there, that DO THE EXACT same job that she does are getting paid 3X more then what she is making.

    some nites she doesn't get home till 11-11:30pm we have a 2 year old daughter, it isn't fair for her.

    I am stuck behind a desk for 9 hours a day, doing a job that i HATE.
    but its consistant, and brings home -ok- money.
    if I wanted to be happy, I would work in a guitar shop for 12 dollars a hour, but that wouldn't cut it now would it?
    FUCKING PISSED! :grr:

    HOW SHOULD I FEEL ABOUT THIS?
     
  2. Lex

    Lex
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    This sounds like a lot of issues at the same time.

    One--being at a place where other people make more than you for the same $$ stinks. Plain and simple. Open discussions with the boss work best here, in my experiences. Tactfully let them know that she/you feel undervalued and overworked and see where that goes.


    Two--your own job. Finding happiness at work is hard. I finally figured out that I really don't like working. Period. So, my goal is to find something that doesn't FEEL like work, no matter what it pays--so long as I can live off of it.

    Lemm know if I misread your post. I tend to do that. ;)
     
  3. sociallurk

    sociallurk New Member

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    (I usually lurk, but this is just too good)

    Ok, so let me get this straight: Your wife cheated on you with a guy that she works with. You don't hold ANY ill will towards him and completely trust her. I suppose she told you that this little fling (which is probably a whole lot more complicated than she said) ended nicely and cleanly a statement you took on face value and trusted, seeing as how you have complete trust of someone who has betrayed it in the past, odd, but not unheard of. She's having problems at work because of the obvious fallout from this cheating encounter that has now permeated the entire staff making for a hostile working environment.

    You're also (by way of your thread) seemingly baffled at the fact that you had a surprise birthday party for her and no one showed up seemingly because of this same man that SHE FUCKED AROUND ON YOU WITH.

    First: I suggest you get your head examined. I know few people who aren't completely desperate or just carrying too many issues that would so easily forgive something like this. The relationship is dead man, dead. Walk away and try to salvage that miniscule shred of dignity you have left.


    Speculation on why work is fucked up for her now and why she'd think that you wouldn't want her to work there anymore (as if this even needs to be stated):

    1. SHE CHEATED ON YOU WITH ONE OF HER COWORKERS!

    2. The coworker in question was of a higher rank than her and/or just has better charisma, therefore more friends in the company which can easily lead to an 'everyone align against so and so' mentality

    3. This fling got messy and spilled out into the workplace (this is most probable)

    4. She's still hounding him and everyone at work knows it (refer to number 3).

    5. If he was indeed in a position of power, she used the fling to get herself artificially higher up in the company. No one likes the girl in the office that fucks for status, makes everyone else working hard for a living kind of pointless, no? Breeds huge resentment.

    I'm willing to bet it's a combination of all 5 of the above. Tell me something: What was her justification for cheating on you in the first place (forgive me if you've stated it). How could she possibly rationalize it to such an extent that you're willing to be completely spineless and say 'Well, that's fine and go ahead and keep working with the dude THAT YOU FUCKED BEHIND MY BACK!". Call me old fashioned, but shit like this never makes sense to me. Trust is at such a fucking premium nowadays, how in God's name can you accept this?? Please, tell me.

    Ugh. You're getting played to the n'th degree and the tragic part is you perceive it, yet at the same time, you totally fucking don't. Please though, tell me how she rationalized cheating on you, I'm fascinated to hear the answer.
     
  4. Alley Blue

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    I think were being thrown alot of issues here all at once. Only the most skilled of us can handle this one!
     
  5. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    I think you have ever right to feel the way you feel...There is a way you can tell your wife you thoughts w/o sounding controlling...The way you communicated here sounds supportive and looking out for her best interest...You guys seem to be working everything out pretty well and this is another bump in the road...If you ask me - it seems like you guys have been through the roughest part already so this should be easy to get through...Good Luck...
     
  6. nrax

    nrax New Member

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    It sounds to me like you're right about your wife's workplace; full of a bunch of losers. Just based on the two posts I've read (this one and the party thread), I'd give less than half a rat's ass about these people. There may be more reasons that are unspoken about why your wife is getting this treatment that we aren't aware of. As far as cheating/affairs and work, our plant manager (married) was openly having an affair with one of the production managers (also married) and people just made jokes about it behind their backs. It never affected the company or personal relationships.

    Regarding her pay, you didn't say if there were seniority, commissions or other reasons why they are making 3x more money for a similar position.

    How should you feel about this? I don't understand the way you think about the whole situation. If this happened to me, I'd be writing this email from jail since I would have put my boot through this jackass' head!

    I have to ask why does your wife continue to work there? Ever hear of the terms sexual harrasment or hostile work environment? If either of these have occurred, then contact a good lawyer and maybe neither of you will have to work again! Buy a sailboat and sail around the world OR you could open your own guitar shop!

    Best of luck to you in whatever you decide though. Going through life upset or unhappy is worse than death itself!
     
  7. Lex

    Lex
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    So, we can MAKE people do things now?

    That's the answer?

    Really?
     
  8. BuffMusicIdol

    BuffMusicIdol New Member

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    Well, Dan, take it from me, another Dan, that if you DO follow your dreams, it's not all rosey either. I do work in music every day, and I work other jobs to compensate for the irregularity of income. So it's always a trade off.

    You should feel pissed, but not for too long. Don't get so pissed for so long that you are bitter and not able to move forward. Gettting pissed can be good to motivate positive change in relationships and in circumstances. I hope you'll use this energy to think about positive ways to move forward. Just one thing at a time will do the trick.

    I'm not veryhappy about my job(s) either. However, the up side is that there are pleasant surprises that come with all of them. Just not really often. I've met great people and had great opportunities open up because of them. I am really bad about only seeing the negative, but ocassionally I look back and realize what great good there has been also.

    I guess today is one of those days.

    Instead of working in a guitar shop, maybe you should own one.

    Good luck. I have a soft spot for Canada. Been there tons.
     
  9. BuffMusicIdol

    BuffMusicIdol New Member

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    Oh, BTW, about the wife, I agree with ChimeraTX. Letting her stay there will ultimately ruin your marriage, if you intend to keep it. Cut it off. If she is in a go nowhere place, it may only be him (subconsciously) that she is staying there for. (Poor wording. Deal with it.) :)

    Just my opinion.
     
  10. B_werfghj

    B_werfghj New Member

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    YES, I do completly trust my wife, we are in a different place now then we were then. I love her very much, and I trust her to make the right decisions for our family.
    I am beginning to feel like her work isn't the problem here, the problem is within me and my perception of everything that happend, not the HOW it happened, but the WHY it happened.
    If it "comes back to bite me in the ass" then so be it, but I really dont think it will, and I can say with a clean heart that WE Gave it our best shot.
    BTW, how do you "make" someone quit thier job or do anything? talk about starting a issue.
    I love my wife very much, and I am sorry that you cannot have the same faith that I do.
    DLC
     
  11. Lex

    Lex
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    DanLa--I am so glad that you feel like you have begun to truly reestablish trust with your wife. The whole notion of becoming MORE controlling or leaving completely after someone makes a mistake has really always confounded me. I mean--we are all human, make mistakes and (hopefully) learn from them. You said for "better or worse" and , yeah, the current set or circumstances is WORSE, but its not insurmountable. There are greater things awaiting both of you on the other side of this adverse time. I am glad that you have the vision and beleife to trust that. Good luck again.
     
  12. sociallurk

    sociallurk New Member

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    YES, I do completly trust my wife, we are in a different place now then we were then. I love her very much, and I trust her to make the right decisions for our family.
    I am beginning to feel like her work isn't the problem here, the problem is within me and my perception of everything that happend, not the HOW it happened, but the WHY it happened.
    If it "comes back to bite me in the ass" then so be it, but I really dont think it will, and I can say with a clean heart that WE Gave it our best shot.
    BTW, how do you "make" someone quit thier job or do anything? talk about starting a issue.
    I love my wife very much, and I am sorry that you cannot have the same faith that I do.
    DLC
    [post=324907]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]



    You still haven't told me why she cheated on you.
     
  13. B_werfghj

    B_werfghj New Member

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    I dont really think the why is all that important.



    You still haven't told me why she cheated on you.
    [post=325102]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]
     
  14. BuffMusicIdol

    BuffMusicIdol New Member

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    "Making" her quit or change her job is stupid, of course. However, people who love each other very much DO exert reasoning and influence when they see clearly the potential dangers and negative effects situations can have on a relationship. I've been handed ultimatums several times and turned my back and simply said, "I'm flunking your damned test. Now what are you going to do." However, when it's stated with reason, concern and the element of love, the whole picture changes, and I begin to try to see exactly what they are seeing. When that happens, we can reason more clearly and see each other's views, and actually make mutual decisions.

    So if I inferred "making" her change something, it wasn't what I meant, and may not be what others meant to say, either.

    Hope this helps. I don't think we're trying to frustrate or piss you off with bad advice.

    Hang in there. Sounds like you have a great marriage now.
     
  15. longdong

    longdong New Member

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    Strnage u still trust her after she cheated on u!
    I would leave her and never trust her again..
     
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