How To Break The Wheel Of Straight Attraction

DeclanBrent

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guys, help me out.
I am truly bisexual, attracted sexually to both men and women.
When it comes to women, my relationships have been exemplary.
But with men - I'm attracted to the straights. Always and inevitably, even when they've been effeminate. It's the bane of my life. It's wasted years of my life, particularly because the straights I've been attracted to are titillated by the attention and therefore string it out.
Have you guys been in the same position? What have you done about it?
Genuine question from someone who is sick of loving the wrong people.
 

Brodie888

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I know plenty of women who go from one physically abusive relationship to the next. You got to scratch your head and wonder why they repeat such a toxic situation.

What you need to do is be honest with yourself and ask what it is about these guys you are attracted to.

It could be as simple as self sabotage by pursuing something that is unattainable. It could be replicating a past relationship (such as a father) that you never fixed and by replicating it you hope to resolve issues you never could with the original person.

It could be internalized prejudices about homosexuals that stop you from accepting relationships with them.

It could be that you as a bisexual are looking for someone who is also bisexual because you feel like you can relate better to that.

It could be that the bisexuals you've met are too conflicted, wanting to identify as being straight. So you need to be more selective in eliminating those people if you are looking for a bisexual partner.

Only you really know the question.
 

DeclanBrent

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I know plenty of women who go from one physically abusive relationship to the next. You got to scratch your head and wonder why they repeat such a toxic situation.

What you need to do is be honest with yourself and ask what it is about these guys you are attracted to.

It could be as simple as self sabotage by pursuing something that is unattainable. It could be replicating a past relationship (such as a father) that you never fixed and by replicating it you hope to resolve issues you never could with the original person.

It could be internalized prejudices about homosexuals that stop you from accepting relationships with them.

It could be that you as a bisexual are looking for someone who is also bisexual because you feel like you can relate better to that.

It could be that the bisexuals you've met are too conflicted, wanting to identify as being straight. So you need to be more selective in eliminating those people if you are looking for a bisexual partner.

Only you really know the question.
Thanks, there are a few things there for me to chew on. I think most of them might apply actually.
 

DeclanBrent

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How is it that you're aware of the sexual orientation of so many of your acquaintances?
Because they all end up being close friends and don't remain acquaintances. When you're close enough to anyone for long enough, you get to know what their orientation probably is. And if they're only attracted to or sleep with women, then there's a fairly good chance they're straight.
 

DeclanBrent

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How many of your close friends are gay or bi? I'm having the impression that you are attracted by close friends who just happen to be straight?
None. I've had a few in the past but aggravation grew with two of them because they insisted I was only bi because I was too scared of coming out as gay. I know attitudes are changing. There are definitely gay guys I've been attracted to but my long term girlfriend is threatened by that, so I steer clear.
 

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None. I've had a few in the past but aggravation grew with two of them because they insisted I was only bi because I was too scared of coming out as gay. I know attitudes are changing. There are definitely gay guys I've been attracted to but my long term girlfriend is threatened by that, so I steer clear.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like the same sex side of you is unfulfilled. You have been substituting straight male friendships to try to satisfy that need but for obvious reasons it doesn't cut it.

Your limited same sex experience has been with two guys who in their own self interest would like you to purely express your gay side by pushing the "bisexuality is a gateway to homosexuality" line.

To complicate matters further, you have a girlfriend who is aware of your bisexuality but has no desire for an open relationship.

So I guess the question is, what kind of relationship structure are you after? Because once you know that, you can actually take steps to go in that direction. At the moment you just seem stuck.
 

DeclanBrent

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@Brodie888 Well I've been for years of therapy, but I don't believe anybody I've paid my precious dollars to has summed up my predicament so succinctly. Thank you so much.
I'm terrified my girlfriend will leave me if I indulge that side of me. I love her with all my heart yet feel unfulfilled because I can't fulfil that side of myself. I'm not a cheater either, so that wouldn't work for me. I'm stuck, as you say. Stuck.
 
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@Brodie888 Well I've been for years of therapy, but I don't believe anybody I've paid my precious dollars to has summed up my predicament so succinctly. Thank you so much.
I'm terrified my girlfriend will leave me if I indulge that side of me. I love her with all my heart yet feel unfulfilled because I can't fulfil that side of myself. I'm not a cheater either, so that wouldn't work for me. I'm stuck, as you say. Stuck.
This is going to sound like a downer, but like Brodie888 above says, you are stuck. And it is a situation as old as time. It seems like there is always something we are trading off for something else.

If there were another girl you really cared for, but wouldn’t act on that urge, you would basically have the same situation.

You say you love your current girl with all your heart yet feel unfulfilled because you can't fulfill that other side of you. And you are not a cheater either. Well hat’s off to you for laying it out and making your choices. Sounds like you have more going for you than many guys who think they are free to do what they like.

Just be careful not to blame your girl for keeping you from your male desires. It is always going to be complicated.
 
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DeclanBrent

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@levi101 Thahks for your observations. That has been the greatest pain - treating her right, not blaming her, not feeling intense resentment. All those emotions I feel strongly but my conscience always reminds me she never asked for this.
Thank you for putting your point across sensitively.
 

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@Brodie888 Well I've been for years of therapy, but I don't believe anybody I've paid my precious dollars to has summed up my predicament so succinctly. Thank you so much.
I'm terrified my girlfriend will leave me if I indulge that side of me. I love her with all my heart yet feel unfulfilled because I can't fulfil that side of myself. I'm not a cheater either, so that wouldn't work for me. I'm stuck, as you say. Stuck.

Have you discussed this with your girlfriend?

Is she in love with the person you are or the person you are pretending to be?
 

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guys, help me out.
I am truly bisexual, attracted sexually to both men and women.
When it comes to women, my relationships have been exemplary.
But with men - I'm attracted to the straights. Always and inevitably, even when they've been effeminate. It's the bane of my life. It's wasted years of my life, particularly because the straights I've been attracted to are titillated by the attention and therefore string it out.
Have you guys been in the same position? What have you done about it?
Genuine question from someone who is sick of loving the wrong people.

Go to their bathroom and look at the toilet or check the hamper for skid marks.
 

umdoistressilvaquatro

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@Brodie888 Well I've been for years of therapy, but I don't believe anybody I've paid my precious dollars to has summed up my predicament so succinctly. Thank you so much.
I'm terrified my girlfriend will leave me if I indulge that side of me. I love her with all my heart yet feel unfulfilled because I can't fulfil that side of myself. I'm not a cheater either, so that wouldn't work for me. I'm stuck, as you say. Stuck.
You have an open relationship?
 

DeclanBrent

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Have you discussed this with your girlfriend?

Is she in love with the person you are or the person you are pretending to be?
We've discussed it More times than there are fish in the sea. I don't pretend with her, what's the point? I hate keeping secrets from those I love. She loves the real me, of this I'm completely certain.