How to Break Up?

[kjguy]

Hey, I've only had 2 relationships in my lifetime, and I really don't like them. I am in one now, but I didn't expect it to go this long. We've been going for over 2 years.
Now I really like to hang out with her, and she's a cool person, but I don't want be dating her anymore. I tend to be very sensitive, and I'm desperately afraid to break her heart.

She's head over heels in love with me, and I feel bad that I can't be the same way.

What would be the best way of going about breaking up with her? What would be easiest for her to handle?

Guys and especially girls, help me out!

 

[digdugm2000]

Mannn
I wish I had some advice other than it's never easy. If she is head over heels in love with you that makes it even harder and hopefully someday she will understand. You just gotta do it before it's too late. It's a part of growing up that there is no easy way around it. Be open and honest and true to yourself.
Good Luck

 

[nudeyorker]

Honesty... with a heavy dose of "You deserve someone who can meet you on same emotional playing field!"

 

[MagicJohnsonFan]

There's no easy way to do it. If she loves you then it IS going to hurt her and you need to prepare yourself for that. You need to psych yourself up - bear in mind that it's going to hurt no matter what but it only makes it worse to drag it out (the old "rib the bandage off" routine). Just tell her how you feel. That you really like her, you care about her and don't want to hurt her, but you don't love her and don't want to date any more. Allow her to cry and ask some questions ("Is it me?" or "Is there someone else?" kind of stuff, probably), but don't let it go on for too long. Be sensitive, say what you need to say, and get out of there.

I would also suggest that you don't agree to stay friends. That may happen eventually (I'm still friends with almost every person I've ever dated), but it can't happen immediately if there are strong feelings involved. Give it some time.

Good luck.

 

[Rubenesque]

Well... there are some that say it's heartless to dump someone over the phone, but I think I'd prefer that... you don't have the humiliation of them seeing the hurt it caused

 

[ZOS23xy]

Tell her what you posted here. Try to remain friends. Date other people. Tell her you're not secure enough. (Why don't you like relationships, anyway????)

 

[D_Martin van Burden]

If you're letting your guilt keep you in this relationship, you're going to do her even more harm by staying in it. Maybe that's why you made it to the two year mark?

One of the things that makes a break-up easier is that you understand, specifically, why you want the relationship to end. You said in your original post that you don't like relationships (though why you're in one is unclear), then mention that you enjoy hanging out with her and that she has stronger feelings for you than you do for her. Be honest. Are you interested in someone else? Do you miss the perks of being single (e.g. free to have sex with others, free to have more available time for friends and family, etc.)? Did she mention wanting to escalate the relationship or pursue engagement and you're throwing on the brakes?

You don't need a specific answer for all of these questions, but it might help.

First, it gives you a better understanding of what you want out of a relationship so that you might seek out partners who can give that to you. I, for one, prefer casual dating. I like to go out and have fun and maybe enjoy some sex while I'm at it, but I let partners know that up front so that they don't get blindsided by it later. Second, it gives her a little more clarity on why the relationship is ending, which is something that partners ought to do for each other anyway. And, for the record, I don't buy "it's not you; it's me" or "it just isn't workin' out." Those aren't reasons; those are excuses. You have to be clear or else the break-up talk won't do either one of you any good.

Third, you should prepare yourself in case she doesn't want to retain a friendship afterward. You sound like you want to keep her around, but that might be more painful for her than you realize. The other option is that you two have some sort of friendship-with-benefits arrangement which might equally complicate things. Again, don't know for sure.

Finally, do it in person. Don't do it over phone or email or text message. You owe her that much.

 

[007baby]

Well... there are some that say it's heartless to dump someone over the phone, but I think I'd prefer that... you don't have the humiliation of them seeing the hurt it caused

ummmmmmmmmmm NO

with all due respect ukbbw... I whole heartedly disagree. You've been with her for two years and you'd be heartless and evil if you didn't at the very least CARE for her (which you say you do) enough to give her the farewell that she deserves. No matter how "not in love you are," she deserves to be validated. Besides missing you like crazy in the initial post breakup time (maybe months), the one thing she will need the most from you at the farewell and from everybody else afterwards is VALIDATION. You can't do that and actually you do quite the opposite when dumping her over the phone.

I agree with MultiOrgasmic Chick and Deeblackthorn... they're pretty much spot on. Be honest bro... tell her that you do care about her and that you appreciate who she is and that she does deserve an awesome someone that loves her the same way... and that after some time of healing for the both of you that you guys can one day become good friends after you both have moved on.

It is not your fault that you don't love her and you have not done anything wrong by not being in love with her. What you CAN do wrong is string her along and be dishonest and selfish with her. Perhaps you have dragged this on for too long man, but now is better than later... tell her, listen to her, respond to her, and say farewell. No one deserves to be where she is going to be when you do this... and hopefully you won't have to experience the pain she and many others like her have felt (finding yourself in love with someone who isn't with you)... staying on the same wavelength and page from day one with open face value communication avoids a LOT of this... no one suddenly wakes up in love blind sighting the other person, and vice versa no one all of a sudden falls out of love... it's a gradual process... so be righteous dude, and (I don't know her but...) tell her she was a great girl friend and that it's YOU that is the "problem"... maybe you are just too young too commit to anyone, even if they are amazing to you... and THAT's not a bad thing or something you did wrong...

Just remember this isn't going to be easy, BUT it IS going to be a LOT more easy for you than her... once you've broken up with her you will feel a huge weight off your chest and you will relish in the feeling of new found freedom and single-hood, which is what you are craving now... On the OTHER hand, once the actual breakup is done... she will feel the pain for a long time to come... so make sure you swallow the difficulty of breaking up with her and be there for her one last time for the farewell...

The lesson here for all of us is to keep the lines of communication open always... to keep the honesty flowing (with intentions, and so forth...)... and to be compassionate and caring with at least more frequency than being selfish...

Good luck man... I hope this goes the way it should (especially for her)

-007

 

[Rubenesque]

How can you possibly disagree... I'm telling you I would sooner it done over the phone... ME

 

[007baby]

How can you possibly disagree... I'm telling you I would sooner it done over the phone... ME

Oh I apologize UKBBW... I misunderstood and didn't realize you meant YOU would prefer for someone to break up with you over the phone... that is totally your preference and you're right to have that for YOURself. I misread your post as a suggestion for him to do it that way for HIS gf... seeing that she is in love with him... I definitely agree with MultiO and Deepblackthorn that he should meet her in PERSON prepared to give her the time of day one last time once he has clearly established in his mind why EXACTLY does he want to be single so that he can better explain to his gf why she is better off finding someone else...

 

[invisibleman]

Hey, I've only had 2 relationships in my lifetime, and I really don't like them. I am in one now, but I didn't expect it to go this long. We've been going for over 2 years.
Now I really like to hang out with her, and she's a cool person, but I don't want be dating her anymore. I tend to be very sensitive, and I'm desperately afraid to break her heart.

She's head over heels in love with me, and I feel bad that I can't be the same way.

What would be the best way of going about breaking up with her? What would be easiest for her to handle?

Guys and especially girls, help me out!

Breaking up is never easy. (Sometimes it is.) Well, you had better tell her the honest truth in the nicest way possible. If you are lovers, you shouldn't fear of speaking your mind. And she should be able to speak her mind as well.

I wouldn't BE friends with her either because she will have feelings. After you breakup with her, you stay broken. Stop calling her. Return her stuff. Don't be friends. There isn't nothing worse than breaking up and coming back and breaking up again.

Young people should never ever commit themselves to any relationship anyway. Young people are still exploring the world and themselves. When you are able and ready to settle down, you settle down with the people who are also are able and ready to settle down.

 

[B_mylipswet]

Hey, I've only had 2 relationships in my lifetime, and I really don't like them. I am in one now, but I didn't expect it to go this long. We've been going for over 2 years.
Now I really like to hang out with her, and she's a cool person, but I don't want be dating her anymore. I tend to be very sensitive, and I'm desperately afraid to break her heart.

She's head over heels in love with me, and I feel bad that I can't be the same way.

What would be the best way of going about breaking up with her? What would be easiest for her to handle?

Guys and especially girls, help me out!

Take the advice of a woman. Your 21 if she is not willing to give you space how is that head over heels for you? Love is a two way street. How about your heart? Don't date anyone out of pity. It sets a poor foundation for your future. She probably has a crush on you. Just do it. She's young she may just have someone else to take your place faster then you can say "goodbye". Good-luck and a Happy and Healthy New Year.

 

[Steve26]

Great responses so far.

My two cents' worth from my own (limited) experience: Often those being dumped will respond in an entirely unexpected manner. The one who you think will go to pieces shocks you with her calmness, while the one you expect to be stoic might totally lose it.

So you have to go in expecting that anything and everything might occur. You have to be at your own most resilient, flexible, and nimble for it.

Good luck -- to both of you.

Steve

 

[kjguy]

Wow, thanks everyone for your advice. It's nice to hear other people's opinions, instead of fighting with my own mind.

What people have said is right. I went into it basically just to make her happy for awhile, only I didn't think of an exit strategy. Essentially I have been stringing her along, and have this sort of guilt. This is something everyone has been telling me to do, and I think once I get the ball rolling on the issue I won't be able to stop.

My next question is how does one initiate, "the break up" talk. How do I start? That's my main problem, because it never feels like the right time.

 

[nudeyorker]

There never is a right time. Go someplace nice and say "We need to talk!"

 

[Principessa]

You may want to check out this thread: http://www.lpsg.org/114957-when-best-time-give-bad.html

I can tell you what not to do:

• Do not work a song into your break-up spiel. I once had a guy break up with me by telling me that the song on the radio reminded him of us. It was Two Out of Three Ain't Bad by Meatloaf. :frown1:
• Do not break up via e-mail or text, it's tacky.
• Do not take her to her favorite restaurant as you will forever ruin it for her.
• Do not break up with her on her birthday or any major holiday.
• Please, for the love of God do not end the monologue with a kiss to her forehead.

 

[Steve26]

This is just off the top of my head, but here goes:

A logical way to start the discussion might be by asking her what SHE wants from the relationship. From what you have said, she may sketch out a scenario involving marriage, children, and/or some other sort of very-long-term commitment.

This gives you a reasonable opening for communicating that you may have different goals. If it becomes clear that the two of you are on different pages, she may start questioning the relationship just as much as you are. Hopefully it will start to plant some seeds of doubt in her own head even before you drop the news that you'd like to end the relationship.

I have no idea if this approach will make things any less awkward or painful, but at least it offers the possibility, however remote, that she may come to view this as a mutual decision or "for the best," rather than just your unilateral decision. To the extent that she can feel like it was partly her decision, or that this relationship "was not meant to be," it may help her move on, or make this outcome more palatable for her.

But nudeyorker is definitely right: There's never a right time to do this, or an easy, tidy way to do this. You just have to bite the bullet, if it's what you want to do.

Steve

 

[killerb]

Here's how to do it:

Tell her that you need to talk...
Do not begin by asking any questions...
Be serious and straightforward about it...
Be HONEST about your feelings...
Tell her that your feelings have changed and that you cannot continue in the relationship.
Tell her that it's all based on YOUR issues and that she is in no way at fault...
Do NOT attempt to remain friends...


There's no easy way to break someone's heart, but you won't do her any favors by prolonging it or delaying it...

It WILL be painful, but the alternative would be much worse...

 

[goodwood]

kjguy -
i am sorry you have this issue to address, but the advice proffered so far has been really good.
it is just so difficult that she is so in love with you. and there is no easy way to end things that will allow her to be happy you ended it with her. i am guessing that after 2 years she is probably thinking you might be 'the one', you know?
there is no other thing to do but talk with her and explain how you are feeling, and that you can't be the partner that she needs and that there IS a guy that will be what she needs. just be honest with her. it will be like ripping a band aid off, but it has to be done. and you are thoughtful so i have no doubt you will be kind in ending with her and that is important.
i was in a similar situation with a girl for 2 years and she was thinking we would get married and i was trying to figure out how to end it. i finally just had to tell her 'this isn't going to work out'. i should have done it sooner. your situation won't resolve itself. only you can do that and really, the sooner the better. i wish you the best. keep us posted and let us know how it goes.