Merci Beaucoup Big Bulge Man ! Oui, je voudrais bien participer dans une ménage-à-trois, comme on dit, avec ma femme - peut-être un jour! Sinon, merci comme-même pour ton conseil et avis. Bises
How to come-out as bi to the wife ?
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biguy2738
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You brave, brave man! :biggrin1: I'm sorry for going all encyclopedia on you but it's a loaded topic/situation and it therefore requires a lot of thought and careful consideration.
It was necessary for me to gradually disclose information to my wife. The one thing that most are unaware of is that my wife comes from a very conservative and ultra religious background. Before my bi-journey took place, I'd occasionally express my suspicion that one of her nephews is gay. Her reaction was one of denial and of me being an evil bitch for daring to think such things about him. On the religious side of things, we both studied towards and operated as Scripture scholars for a couple of years, so no Bible thumping took place, however, the odds were stacked up against me. In light of this, when I came out to her, there was a level of acceptance and detachment with regard to the possibility of her wanting to get divorced.
Fortunately for me, she trusted me enough to take what I had to say at face value and our willingness to listen, I mean, REALLY listen to what the other had to say, paid off in leaps and bounds. She was completely accepting and supportive of me as a bisexual man, but she admitted to feeling very insecure and she was adamant that she refused to share me with other men. I help myself responsible for her insecurity and taking it away from her was my primary concern. When it comes to her refusal to share me with men, it was met with understanding and acceptance. I realised that she didn't knowingly sign up for it and therefore believed that I had no right to place such demands before her. How I'm at a place where she didn't only give me permission to have relationships with men, and at times it feels as if she is throwing me at them, is beyond me...it really and truly is because it wasn't something that I was aiming for.
Your reluctance to shack up with a guy is understandable, normal and it's something that a lot of bi men have in common. For the benefit of anyone who's interested, here's one of the articles that I stumbled across at the onset of my bi journey. I found it to be very informative and helpful, and it also talks about J. R. Little's "13 Forms of Bisexuality". I need to point out that it was written as part of her doctoral thesis in the 80's and that it's based on how women experience bisexuality. As a result, a lot of men may find that it doesn't express how they experience things with 100% accuracy, but if for no other reason it's helpful because it makes one aware of just how broad one's experience of bisexuality can be.
Another valuable resource would be Fritz Klein's Sexual Orientation Grid. Like Little, he is also a more contemporary sexual researcher, as well as being a bisexual himself. His grid is helpful and informative because it involves 7 factors that help to determine one's sexual orientation and with it comes the awareness that human sexuality is multidimensional and most importantly, that there's more to it than just sexual activity. My only criticism is that once one fills in the grid, information is presented in ratio form (like one finds on this site). I don't think that it's helpful for things to be reduced to a ratio and also the % heterosexual % homosexual often leads to the misconception of bisexuality consisting of being half gay and half straight. The use of other orientations stands to make things even more confusing and I've also found that it tends to prompt some bisexuals into believing that they have a "gay side" and therefore it's possible to suppress it.
I accept and am not offended by your critique about my example about opting to cook as opposed to watch sports, as well as my "girly boy" reference. :biggrin1: In the instance of my cooking example, it may not have been the best example to use, however things go much further than my love for cooking. I have never come close to being your stereotypical macho guy eg. I have an exceptionally high emotional intelligence (but it doesn't imply that I'm emotional in the sense of being a drama queen lol) and it's been hard for me to relate with other guys on an interpersonal level for the greater part of my life (to the point where, at times, I felt inadequate as a guy). I am now able to determine that this stems largely from being physically, verbally and sexually abused as a child and how the approach of my sexual abuser (where he groomed me for the abuse by winning over my heart before commencing with the abuse) have had an influence on my relationships with men along with how I experience and express my bisexuality.
In terms of my "girly boy" comment. Well, if you knew me, you'd know that I'm a very facetious person, so part of that comment was tongue in cheek but also, it was used to allude towards my sexuality in a very subtle way. I have a lot of gay and bi men so all stereotypes are thrown out of the window. Added to which, I absolutely >hate< stereotypes because they are ill informed and are often the cause of misconception and subsequent discrimination.
Another helpful and informative resource is Nerve Magazine's special issue on Bisexuality (HERE). It has a lot of self essays written by bisexuals about the issues that they've grappled with etc. and it may be helpful for your wife to be exposed to them because it will help her to see that other people have gone through what you have, and in light of it, it will give you more credibility.
Another essay, I apologise.
All of the best!
It was necessary for me to gradually disclose information to my wife. The one thing that most are unaware of is that my wife comes from a very conservative and ultra religious background. Before my bi-journey took place, I'd occasionally express my suspicion that one of her nephews is gay. Her reaction was one of denial and of me being an evil bitch for daring to think such things about him. On the religious side of things, we both studied towards and operated as Scripture scholars for a couple of years, so no Bible thumping took place, however, the odds were stacked up against me. In light of this, when I came out to her, there was a level of acceptance and detachment with regard to the possibility of her wanting to get divorced.
Fortunately for me, she trusted me enough to take what I had to say at face value and our willingness to listen, I mean, REALLY listen to what the other had to say, paid off in leaps and bounds. She was completely accepting and supportive of me as a bisexual man, but she admitted to feeling very insecure and she was adamant that she refused to share me with other men. I help myself responsible for her insecurity and taking it away from her was my primary concern. When it comes to her refusal to share me with men, it was met with understanding and acceptance. I realised that she didn't knowingly sign up for it and therefore believed that I had no right to place such demands before her. How I'm at a place where she didn't only give me permission to have relationships with men, and at times it feels as if she is throwing me at them, is beyond me...it really and truly is because it wasn't something that I was aiming for.
Your reluctance to shack up with a guy is understandable, normal and it's something that a lot of bi men have in common. For the benefit of anyone who's interested, here's one of the articles that I stumbled across at the onset of my bi journey. I found it to be very informative and helpful, and it also talks about J. R. Little's "13 Forms of Bisexuality". I need to point out that it was written as part of her doctoral thesis in the 80's and that it's based on how women experience bisexuality. As a result, a lot of men may find that it doesn't express how they experience things with 100% accuracy, but if for no other reason it's helpful because it makes one aware of just how broad one's experience of bisexuality can be.
Another valuable resource would be Fritz Klein's Sexual Orientation Grid. Like Little, he is also a more contemporary sexual researcher, as well as being a bisexual himself. His grid is helpful and informative because it involves 7 factors that help to determine one's sexual orientation and with it comes the awareness that human sexuality is multidimensional and most importantly, that there's more to it than just sexual activity. My only criticism is that once one fills in the grid, information is presented in ratio form (like one finds on this site). I don't think that it's helpful for things to be reduced to a ratio and also the % heterosexual % homosexual often leads to the misconception of bisexuality consisting of being half gay and half straight. The use of other orientations stands to make things even more confusing and I've also found that it tends to prompt some bisexuals into believing that they have a "gay side" and therefore it's possible to suppress it.
I accept and am not offended by your critique about my example about opting to cook as opposed to watch sports, as well as my "girly boy" reference. :biggrin1: In the instance of my cooking example, it may not have been the best example to use, however things go much further than my love for cooking. I have never come close to being your stereotypical macho guy eg. I have an exceptionally high emotional intelligence (but it doesn't imply that I'm emotional in the sense of being a drama queen lol) and it's been hard for me to relate with other guys on an interpersonal level for the greater part of my life (to the point where, at times, I felt inadequate as a guy). I am now able to determine that this stems largely from being physically, verbally and sexually abused as a child and how the approach of my sexual abuser (where he groomed me for the abuse by winning over my heart before commencing with the abuse) have had an influence on my relationships with men along with how I experience and express my bisexuality.
In terms of my "girly boy" comment. Well, if you knew me, you'd know that I'm a very facetious person, so part of that comment was tongue in cheek but also, it was used to allude towards my sexuality in a very subtle way. I have a lot of gay and bi men so all stereotypes are thrown out of the window. Added to which, I absolutely >hate< stereotypes because they are ill informed and are often the cause of misconception and subsequent discrimination.
Another helpful and informative resource is Nerve Magazine's special issue on Bisexuality (HERE). It has a lot of self essays written by bisexuals about the issues that they've grappled with etc. and it may be helpful for your wife to be exposed to them because it will help her to see that other people have gone through what you have, and in light of it, it will give you more credibility.
Another essay, I apologise.
All of the best!
Before you do anything you need to take a very long hard look not only at the upbringing your wife had, but the family and family dynamics into which she was born. Where your wife herself may be able to come to terms with the changes that this kind of thing would bring, it is virtually guaranteed that she is going to discuss this with other friends and maybe family. Your problems may not come from your wife, but may arise from the mouths and brains of people "giving her advice" based on their own viewpoints. If you have a family of people who are religious and extremely conservative your wife's reaction would be the smallest part of your problem.
Decades ago my biological Father once remarked to me that one of the most important things to do was to examine the family of the woman you choose. This was after his second marriage failed simply because the second wife had children from a former marriage that viewed my Father as a "meal ticket", and were always "advising" their Mother when in fact they were not able to manage even their own lives.
At about the same time I was still in the idiotic stages of my own sexuality and was like many leading a "double life". I was engaged to be married to a great girl. The problem was not this girl in any manner. She was incredible. The problem was her family. Her Mother was a Bible Thumping religious Baptist who thought that if you managed to enjoy anything in life it was a "sin". Her Dad was an old Nebraska Farmer who came to California in the 1940's after his WWII Military Service. There were two Sisters. Both of these Sisters were extremely opinionated, they were also avidly into the "born again" (translate that as bigoted) mentality, and both of these women totally ruled the husbands to which they were married. The other thing was that both of the two Sisters were absolute "control freaks" and would do whatever it took to "control" and manipulate other individuals.
I backed away from this when I really took off the "rose colored glasses" after two years of fantasy. The girl was fantastic, but I would have been "stuck" with the whole bunch for "life".
"Coming Out" has a ripple effect that breaks still water, but it can under the right situation travel like a tidal wave or "tsunami" with very powerful results in directions you don't expect.
The main thing is that you have to prepare yourself for the worst possible outcome as has already been stated by another very well versed poster. His advice has been great , but there are even more complications.
The worst case I have ever seen with this one is a fellow who managed to marry a woman who had some mental issues. He tried to "come out", and her solution to it has been several suicide attempts. He is now more miserable than ever and she insists that if he tries to have sex with men or divorce her, she will take her own life. He has been stuck in this one now for over 15 years and she uses this to control him and rule his life on a level he never imagined possible.
I wish you luck, this is a situation that is extremely difficult no matter which way you go.
Decades ago my biological Father once remarked to me that one of the most important things to do was to examine the family of the woman you choose. This was after his second marriage failed simply because the second wife had children from a former marriage that viewed my Father as a "meal ticket", and were always "advising" their Mother when in fact they were not able to manage even their own lives.
At about the same time I was still in the idiotic stages of my own sexuality and was like many leading a "double life". I was engaged to be married to a great girl. The problem was not this girl in any manner. She was incredible. The problem was her family. Her Mother was a Bible Thumping religious Baptist who thought that if you managed to enjoy anything in life it was a "sin". Her Dad was an old Nebraska Farmer who came to California in the 1940's after his WWII Military Service. There were two Sisters. Both of these Sisters were extremely opinionated, they were also avidly into the "born again" (translate that as bigoted) mentality, and both of these women totally ruled the husbands to which they were married. The other thing was that both of the two Sisters were absolute "control freaks" and would do whatever it took to "control" and manipulate other individuals.
I backed away from this when I really took off the "rose colored glasses" after two years of fantasy. The girl was fantastic, but I would have been "stuck" with the whole bunch for "life".
"Coming Out" has a ripple effect that breaks still water, but it can under the right situation travel like a tidal wave or "tsunami" with very powerful results in directions you don't expect.
The main thing is that you have to prepare yourself for the worst possible outcome as has already been stated by another very well versed poster. His advice has been great , but there are even more complications.
The worst case I have ever seen with this one is a fellow who managed to marry a woman who had some mental issues. He tried to "come out", and her solution to it has been several suicide attempts. He is now more miserable than ever and she insists that if he tries to have sex with men or divorce her, she will take her own life. He has been stuck in this one now for over 15 years and she uses this to control him and rule his life on a level he never imagined possible.
I wish you luck, this is a situation that is extremely difficult no matter which way you go.
Thanks FuzzyKen - thank you for the cautionary tales. Yes, I'm optimistic, but I will have to consider the opposite from desired results as well. I plan to take it very, very slowly while all the time affirming my love for my woman. She and her family are very kind and generous people. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if this change in our relationship wouldn't strengthen it. Sometimes I wonder if our marital problems don't stem partly from the fact of my constant sexual dissatisfaction (She gives great blow jobs and is great fun to fuck. She's even pegged me once or twice and spontaneously started licking my ass during oral. It's just that from time to time - I crave cock!)
Thanks again, thank you
Thanks again, thank you
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I am BI, was married and am a father of two sons...but now have a male partner...
I am a one person at a time partner..so I can say I never cheated on my wife while
we were married....and would not do so with my present one...Of course I had the
urges and looked, but that was it.....
That out of the way....let me say...
I would worry more about what I might bring to my wife that would not be wanted,
than if she would be upset about you seeing men. In this day of STDs and AIDS,
if you care about her you would never want to do that to her....or to yourself.
It is something to think about...a big step. Think hard about it.
Good luck....I am available if you would like to chat...
I am a one person at a time partner..so I can say I never cheated on my wife while
we were married....and would not do so with my present one...Of course I had the
urges and looked, but that was it.....
That out of the way....let me say...
I would worry more about what I might bring to my wife that would not be wanted,
than if she would be upset about you seeing men. In this day of STDs and AIDS,
if you care about her you would never want to do that to her....or to yourself.
It is something to think about...a big step. Think hard about it.
Good luck....I am available if you would like to chat...
Last edited:
The other approach is to have a safe but anonymous encounter with a gay masseur or escort, practicing safe sex, and knowing it won't get back to her. That is the way hundreds of clients of mine have chosen to deal with it over the years. Women have a different view of sexuality and intimacy than most men and it can't be broached. What she doesn't know could greatly enhance her happiness. I don't believe truthfulness is always the best policy, though safe sex is a must in situations like this.
well I told my wife this past Sept. that I had fooled around with a guy and that I was bi. She thought it is just a phase I might be going through, after she punched me about a dozen times calling me every name in the book. I told her I had feelings for guys for a long time (since I was about 10 to be exact, because of a situation that happened to me). She told me that she wished I was up front with her to begin with. If I felt I need to explore that side of myself and discussed it with her first she would have been more accepting. As far as it goes, if I find another guy that I want to explore further with I just have to let her know who it is and talk about it with her rather then jump into bed with the guy. I tod her i was one lucky man that I have a wife that is willing to let me have a boyfriend on the side...lol.
keep it to yourself. I think it's something that should be shared prior to a marriage. But now that you're in it, it's likely too late.
I couldn't tell from your post if you've had sex with men while married?
If you can't stay monogamous do the both of you a favor and split up.
You'll be happier in the long run.
I couldn't tell from your post if you've had sex with men while married?
If you can't stay monogamous do the both of you a favor and split up.
You'll be happier in the long run.
My boyfriend is bi, I'm not sure how he told me, but he should have found it easier knowing that I am too. To me bisexuality makes the most sense, as men and women can both be beautiful or whatever. I sometimes might get jealous if he fancies a guy, but I get jealous if he fancies a girl too. He can get jealous sometimes too. We've talked a bit about that side of us, for example he suggested we both 'share' another guy, but we haven't done anything like that. He also said he would be OK with seeing me kiss a girl, but I haven't done (I barely did when I was single anyway, it's harder to find girls that like girls, even gay bars it's mostly guys there). I'm not sure how being more "open" would work, though, I suppose being interested is different than actually doing it, if we get jealous sometimes could it work? Hard to say, really.
Anyway I guess my 2 cents is, your sexuality is part of you, and you should be able to share that with people close to you - heck if they judge you did they really love YOU for YOU anyway?
Anyway I guess my 2 cents is, your sexuality is part of you, and you should be able to share that with people close to you - heck if they judge you did they really love YOU for YOU anyway?
thanks Silvertriumph, good things to think about, I'm certainly concerned about stis as well !
Good suggestion Capitol Hill Guy. Tell me, how do you relieve the client's sexual frustration? Is it a happy ending sort of massage that you administer, or are other things involved as well. Very curious to know and thanks for the comment!
you ARE a lucky guy Mr Fixer ! EVen though you had to get beat up about it! Thanks for the comment
Yes Blooeyz, I have had an encounter while married. I feel guilty as hell about it and I think that that diminished my enjoyment of the tryst. It's not as if I want to pursue other relationships - it's just sometimes I crave cock so badly! Thanks for your input
You sound like a great and loving gal Lustful, I hope that my wife agrees and understands as you have. Was interesting to read the account of your own boyfriend coming-out to you. Thanks so much and take care
Thanks. Yes I think people should try their best to understand and care about their partners on many levels. :smile:You sound like a great and loving gal Lustful, I hope that my wife agrees and understands as you have. Was interesting to read the account of your own boyfriend coming-out to you. Thanks so much and take care
I am sure most guys are bisexul, which is why you see so many threads here about how a person who claims to be straight being turned on by another guys dick. Being straight like i am is race so I doubt any female will mind her boyfriend or husband being bisexaul since she is probably bisexual as well.
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