How to conquer insecurity?

Catharsis

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I haven't posted on here in a few years, but I have had some history on this website and really appreciated my experience here and with some of the people that helped me grow into the person I am today. I don't know if any of those people are still around but you never know, either way the community is what it is and I've always thought positively (overall) of LPSG. I'm hoping that perhaps I can get some input on a situation I've never been in and can't really wrap my head around, and ultimately guide a very close friend in the right direction.

My friend has been in a relationship of 2 years now, and only in the past few weeks has been at tears over 1 person whom their partner has been getting close to. Let's call this "triangle" my friend, their partner, and the other person. (Sorry for such vagueness, but I just want to protect their identities as much as possible so as not to even reveal their sex or gender).

My friend's partner has been close to the other person for a while now because they participate in the same group sport, of course there are a lot of other people playing this sport - but the partner talks exclusively about the other person to my friend. So my friend feels threatened and jealous, and has asked their partner if they are interested in the other person. Their partner says, "I only care about you," but my friend doesn't believe it 100% and thinks the partner is only saying what my friend wants to hear. So in the mix of this is a matter of trust, but whether or not that's relevant I think the insecurity is definitely an issue. But my friend wants to tackle it and grow.

I can understand some red flags about this other person, especially the fact that they come up so often in everyday conversation. At some point I might wonder, "How important is this other person to you? Are they more important than me?"

The question is, is that being too clingy or possessive? Is there such a thing if you're in an exclusive relationship?

I've never been in a relationship and after multiple attempts of dating found that relationships aren't actually for me anyway, so I don't really know how it is to be so exclusive. I want to help my friend but I don't know what to say.

Does anyone know how my friend should broach this subject again and encourage raw, open, honest communication?

Does anyone perhaps have opinion or other advice to provide?
 
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Lee_M

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A few question to begin with

1) Does your friend have a history of jealousy/inscrutability in general and/or in relationships?
2) Has your friend been cheated on by a partner before?
3) Do you believe their concerns are warranted?
4) Besides the other person being mentioned "too regularity", has anything else suspicious happened to make you/your friend question them?
5) has your friend mentioned their concerns to their partner yet?


And yes absolutely i do believe you can be too clingy in a relationship. Many of us find it hard to get the correct balance between being to clingy and to distant.
 

Catharsis

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A few question to begin with

1) Does your friend have a history of jealousy/inscrutability in general and/or in relationships?
2) Has your friend been cheated on by a partner before?
3) Do you believe their concerns are warranted?
4) Besides the other person being mentioned "too regularity", has anything else suspicious happened to make you/your friend question them?
5) has your friend mentioned their concerns to their partner yet?


And yes absolutely i do believe you can be too clingy in a relationship. Many of us find it hard to get the correct balance between being to clingy and to distant.

1) No, my friend has not been jealous in previous relationships. Although they don't give the chance to get hurt - they cut things off first before the partner has "a chance" to hurt them. This relationship is the first time I've seen my friend not do that.

2) No, my friend has not been cheated on before.

3) Yes, I do think there is at least "something" going on between my friend's partner and the other person. But it's hard to tell if the "something" is being just friends, or if someone is trying to get the interest of the other and be more than "just friends". I have seen that happen before in a different relationship, but even then I don't know if the issue is with the other person or the partner. Or maybe it's even with the jealous person? Anyway - I also think there's some background to the other person that I detail below to shed some light as to why my friend has any concerns.

5) I will answer this before #4 because as I typed everything out, I think it just reads better in this order. To answer your question, yes my friend did discuss their concerns with their partner once, and I will explain that in my answer to #4. What I wanted to mention first was that my friend also discussed a previous concern about a different incident, when the jealousy first started. A couple months ago, my friend and their partner went on a weekend trip, and while kayaking my friend turned around to see their partner stopped rowing and staring forward, unflinching. My friend turned back to see that they were looking at 2 people on the shore, and asked, "Are you staring at them?" Their partner said, "No," and continued rowing back to shore. My friend was uncomfortable that their partner would lie about that when it was so obvious, and later that day asked them why. The partner admitted they were looking at the 2 people, and they worked through the conversation with the mutual agreement that it's OK to look at others but please don't make it so obvious by staring, and of course don't lie even if it's something that "doesn't matter."

4) Ok now that you have the background of when the jealousy first started, it was mostly linked to when the partner first lied about something so minor. And beside the other person being talked about on a daily basis, a couple other things did happen recently.
- The other person was being brought up in daily conversation starting when they divorced a couple months ago. I guess the fact that the other person is now "available" and has gotten so close to the partner to be brought up in daily conversation is one concern.
- Last week, the other person invited my friend's partner to a dinner, and the partner extended the invite to my friend. There was a moment at this dinner where the other person asked my friend's partner if they were enjoying it and the 2 of them chatted, striking a chord of jealousy with my friend.
- After the dinner, my friend said they feel jealous "out of nowhere" about the other person, mentioning that they always talk about the other person and now tonight even a casual conversation was bothering them. My friend didn't really want to put any blame on the partner, just express how they were feeling and being up front and open. However my friend's partner simply said, "I only care about you." My friend didn't push but was bothered because they didn't believe this answer and was worried that they were lying, drawing parallels to the first time my friend felt any jealousy and discomfort...

I made this topic because I wasn't sure of a few things.
- Is there a chance my friend's partner and the other person might be more than "just friends"? If so it seems to be a mutual connection. Otherwise why else would you talk about someone so regularly unless you were close with them?
- If there is an issue, should my friend talk to their partner (which was their first instinct) or approach the other person (cue reality TV drama, but really is this a viable option?) What should my friend say?

Playing Devil's Advocate, let's say my friend's partner and the other person ARE JUST FRIENDS.
- Is there a way to find out for sure or do you just have to take the partner's word for it that they are just friends? After all my friend seems to think their partner is lying.
- So, what can my friend do in that situation? Is there even any thing they can do? A simple answer is that my friend needs to be more confident in themselves and in the relationship, but to someone who has some insecurity issues that's easier said than done. Are there any tips for that?
 

Lee_M

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Your friend doesn't have history of jealousy, which is a good thing, but they do have a history of running when they "might" get hurt, which is obviously a bad thing.

I think most of the time people gut feeling is worth exploring, so if your friend does want to save this relationship they need to do the adult thing and sit down and have a serious talk with their partner putting all cards on the table. They may as well do it asap, because by the sound of it they may end up running pretty soon anyway.
 

ItsAll4Kim

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A private investigator once gave me the advic that, "If you think something's going on, it probably is."

Having said that, neither you, I, nor anyone else here know how your friends feel about each other, whether something has happened, or whether something will happen. Relationships are difficult enough for those involved...you as an outside observer with admittedly no relationship experience have literally no way to know how to advise or guide your friend. It sucks.

My bottom line on this situation is that it is 100% a trust issue. Your friend either trusts the partner or does not. Trust isn't really subject to gradation. It's earned, it's easily lost, and almost never regained. While the kayak lie may have been exceedingly small, its quite possible there were others that haven't been mentioned to you...lots of small lies add up to a good reason not to trust what a person says.
 
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A private investigator once gave me the advic that, "If you think something's going on, it probably is."

Having said that, neither you, I, nor anyone else here know how your friends feel about each other, whether something has happened, or whether something will happen. Relationships are difficult enough for those involved...you as an outside observer with admittedly no relationship experience have literally no way to know how to advise or guide your friend. It sucks.

My bottom line on this situation is that it is 100% a trust issue. Your friend either trusts the partner or does not. Trust isn't really subject to gradation. It's earned, it's easily lost, and almost never regained. While the kayak lie may have been exceedingly small, its quite possible there were others that haven't been mentioned to you...lots of small lies add up to a good reason not to trust what a person says.

I don't think a private investigator should have to tell you anything...In other words your private investigator is saying "trust instinct" above all else.

But instinct is not infallible...just like the earth under your feet will never move or the moon will rise tonight or the sun tomorrow.

Instinct is started via body language. For me, body language is always the final indicator.

Unless you are a CIA profiler. Not looking for the next terrorist whom is operating under a veil of secrecy to disrupt society with threats...it is personal. It is none of your business.

If someone wishes to investigate a partner as to whether they are being faithful or not, if it were me.........and I thought these things. I would call it quits on the relationship....whether I trusted them, or I did not trust myself to trust them.

If I start questioning myself in my own beliefs...........it's enough indicator to walk away. I don't need the instinct of another to tell me this.

I hired a private investigator once to "find" someone for me, I did not hire their service to find my common sense or my intuition for me.
 
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ItsAll4Kim

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I don't think a private investigator should have to tell you anything...In other words your private investigator is saying "trust instinct" above all else.

But instinct is not infallible...just like the earth under your feet will never move or the moon will rise tonight or the sun tomorrow.

Instinct is started via body language. For me, body language is always the final indicator.

Unless you are a CIA profiler. Not looking for the next terrorist whom is operating under a veil of secrecy to disrupt society with threats...it is personal. It is none of your business.

If someone wishes to investigate a partner as to whether they are being faithful or not, if it were me.........and I thought these things. I would call it quits on the relationship....whether I trusted them, or I did not trust myself to trust them.

If I start questioning myself in my own beliefs...........it's enough indicator to walk away. I don't need the instinct of another to tell me this.

I hired a private investigator once to "find" someone for me, I did not hire their service to find my common sense or my intuition for me.



Please note the language used...."If you think something's going on, it probably is." He wasn't, nor am I implying one should always trust instinct.

And it wasn't the point.

The investigator was saving me from wasting money on his services. Based on what I had told him in an initial phone call, he knew what I also knew but was delaying admitting to myself. As I wrote, trust is earned, and is easily lost. I learned this the very hard way.
 

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If your friend really wants to “tackle it and grow”, then I suggest that he ask himself why he feels so insecure. The answer should be about himself, not what someone else is doing. It concerns me that he weighs conversations do heavily and calls out someone “ for staring” . When he finds why he usually cuts and runs and why he is not willing to trust, he will learn a lot and truly have the opportunity to tackle it and grow. Controlling someone else or monitoring how long they look or how many times that they mention someone should not be the base of one feeling secure. Instead trusting someone and accepting someone and encouraging them to grow and be themselves and be strong independently are signs of a secure person.
I encourage my partner to have friendships, independent interests and have independent experiences. I know that as a result, he is a happy, content and confident person who brings his strengths and weaknesses to our relationship. ( okay, he can’t even boil water), I complement him with my experiences, talents and my weaknesses.
I can’t imagine having a partner where I get graded on my every action.
 

ItsAll4Kim

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If your friend really wants to “tackle it and grow”, then I suggest that he ask himself why he feels so insecure. The answer should be about himself, not what someone else is doing. It concerns me that he weighs conversations do heavily and calls out someone “ for staring” . When he finds why he usually cuts and runs and why he is not willing to trust, he will learn a lot and truly have the opportunity to tackle it and grow. Controlling someone else or monitoring how long they look or how many times that they mention someone should not be the base of one feeling secure. Instead trusting someone and accepting someone and encouraging them to grow and be themselves and be strong independently are signs of a secure person.
I encourage my partner to have friendships, independent interests and have independent experiences. I know that as a result, he is a happy, content and confident person who brings his strengths and weaknesses to our relationship. ( okay, he can’t even boil water), I complement him with my experiences, talents and my weaknesses.
I can’t imagine having a partner where I get graded on my every action.
Insecurity normally doesn't just happen in a vacuum. As I wrote earlier, there are likely to be reasons for this, such as other lies or actions. The fact that we're a fourth party being asked by the third party to this relationship makes this nearly impossible to assess beyond basic conjecture..
 

Gj816

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I haven't posted on here in a few years, but I have had some history on this website and really appreciated my experience here and with some of the people that helped me grow into the person I am today. I don't know if any of those people are still around but you never know, either way the community is what it is and I've always thought positively (overall) of LPSG. I'm hoping that perhaps I can get some input on a situation I've never been in and can't really wrap my head around, and ultimately guide a very close friend in the right direction.

My friend has been in a relationship of 2 years now, and only in the past few weeks has been at tears over 1 person whom their partner has been getting close to. Let's call this "triangle" my friend, their partner, and the other person. (Sorry for such vagueness, but I just want to protect their identities as much as possible so as not to even reveal their sex or gender).

My friend's partner has been close to the other person for a while now because they participate in the same group sport, of course there are a lot of other people playing this sport - but the partner talks exclusively about the other person to my friend. So my friend feels threatened and jealous, and has asked their partner if they are interested in the other person. Their partner says, "I only care about you," but my friend doesn't believe it 100% and thinks the partner is only saying what my friend wants to hear. So in the mix of this is a matter of trust, but whether or not that's relevant I think the insecurity is definitely an issue. But my friend wants to tackle it and grow.

I can understand some red flags about this other person, especially the fact that they come up so often in everyday conversation. At some point I might wonder, "How important is this other person to you? Are they more important than me?"

The question is, is that being too clingy or possessive? Is there such a thing if you're in an exclusive relationship?

I've never been in a relationship and after multiple attempts of dating found that relationships aren't actually for me anyway, so I don't really know how it is to be so exclusive. I want to help my friend but I don't know what to say.

Does anyone know how my friend should broach this subject again and encourage raw, open, honest communication?

Does anyone perhaps have opinion or other advice to provide?


Vague for sure.

However, when there is a trust issue or other insecurities in a relationship it is almost certainly doomed to failure.

Just of the top of my hat, if I were the friend I would certainly be making my presence known at the sporting events my partner was involved in. If for nothing else than to support my partner.

Having said that. If a partner is going to cheat. Nothing the friend does is going to stop it. It could be that the friend is over thinking the situation. Or the partner is really into their teammate.

Maybe the friend should consider joining a sport that they'd enjoy, and meet new people. See what the partner thinks of that.