How to deal with being a 31-year-old male virgin

[dolfette]

I find it a bit hard to understand that if you were married for so long, why you never said to her not ever having sex with you was wrong?

She was your wife right? She must have had a seriously strange notion of what married live involves?

I'm not having a pop or anything, but i think a young marriage without sex at all is flawed on quite a few levels. Souldn't you have been at it like rabbits?

he said he suspected she's suffered a sexual trauma.

i've gone through phases of not being able to bear the thought of sex for that same reason.

i would guess that he tried but didn't want to bully her into something she found distressing...admirable in my opinion. it's a pity that his care and patience wasn't enough to encourage her to open up and seek help.

maybe she thought that she would be able to before the wedding, but the reality was just too much.

i don't think she was "wrong" for not being able to do something, though i wouldn't blame any man for leaving in that situation.

these things happen...though not usually lasting so long.
it's tragic for both. seems like he is recovering and moving on. i hope she manages to do the same.

 

[bguy]

I find it a bit hard to understand that if you were married for so long, why you never said to her not ever having sex with you was wrong?

I wanted to make my wife happy. I also believed that she would be more likely to want to make me happy in return. I gave her oral (and enjoyed it!) as often as she would allow. After she came, she would say thanks, then roll over and go to sleep.

Being critical and telling her she was 'wrong' was not something I could do. Nor did I think it would help the situation. I didn't want her to have sex with me out of guilt or duty, or to pressure or force her to do it. I wanted her to desire it; to desire me. I recognize now that I did avoid conflict when I should have communicated to her how it made me feel.

She was your wife right? She must have had a seriously strange notion of what married live involves?

Yes, I think so. She didn't take my last name, she didn't ever want to have kids and she didn't want to co-mingle our funds. Looking back, I don't think she truly wanted to be married, she just wanted to keep me in her life and marrying me was the only way she could do that.

 

[bguy]

it's tragic for both. seems like he is recovering and moving on. i hope she manages to do the same.

I understand that she is now seeing a therapist, which I think is a big step for her. Because when I originally suggested counseling she would ask 'Oh, do you think I'm crazy? Do I need to be fixed? What could a counselor possibly tell me that I don't already know?' Hopefully she will be more honest with the therapist than she was with me and can get the help she needs. But I'm moving on with my life.

 

[avantgarde]

I wanted to make my wife happy. I also believed that she would be more likely to want to make me happy in return. I gave her oral (and enjoyed it!) as often as she would allow. After she came, she would say thanks, then roll over and go to sleep.

Being critical and telling her she was 'wrong' was not something I could do. Nor did I think it would help the situation. I didn't want her to have sex with me out of guilt or duty, or to pressure or force her to do it. I wanted her to desire it; to desire me. I recognize now that I did avoid conflict when I should have communicated to her how it made me feel.


Yes, I think so. She didn't take my last name, she didn't ever want to have kids and she didn't want to co-mingle our funds. Looking back, I don't think she truly wanted to be married, she just wanted to keep me in her life and marrying me was the only way she could do that.

Wow dude, that's extremely hard to stomach reading that. I'm glad you're picking up some of the lessons though.

First things first, set your deal breakers. You know what you want, like was said earlier, and if she doesn't provide what you want, you keep moving. Nothing a woman can offer you is worth more than your self-esteem. You're coming back i see, so keep building up.

Remember to put your feelings first. As bad as it sounds, it is necessary to be a tad bit selfish. If you don't care about you nobody else will.

Dolfette, I understand what you're saying, but you can't even get close to comparing yourself to her. You're far more balanced than she was, it seems. The "don't trust her" bone in my body is telling me she was "creeping" with other people for a LONG time. But I don't know her so that's just an assumption and as we all know when you assume U can make an ASS out of ME.

I understand that she is now seeing a therapist, which I think is a big step for her. Because when I originally suggested counseling she would ask 'Oh, do you think I'm crazy? Do I need to be fixed? What could a counselor possibly tell me that I don't already know?' Hopefully she will be more honest with the therapist than she was with me and can get the help she needs. But I'm moving on with my life.

Awesome dude, that's the way. Pick it up and keep moving.

 

[Jovial]

bday, I wonder if your wife had been sexually abused/molested or even raped before. So now she is afraid of intercourse. Maybe she thought you were safe, so she married you, but still couldn't allow herself to have intercourse. Just a wild theory, since your story sounds very unusual.

 

[dolfette]

I understand that she is now seeing a therapist, which I think is a big step for her. Because when I originally suggested counseling she would ask 'Oh, do you think I'm crazy? Do I need to be fixed? What could a counselor possibly tell me that I don't already know?' Hopefully she will be more honest with the therapist than she was with me and can get the help she needs. But I'm moving on with my life.

that's good news.
maybe she married you because you made her feel safe and you didn't pressure her...love of a sort but not the sort you wanted.
sometimes that's enough. it was with me! after years of being single, it was the man who said he wouldn't sleep with me until i was ready who won my heart.

Dolfette, I understand what you're saying, but you can't even get close to comparing yourself to her. You're far more balanced than she was, it seems. The "don't trust her" bone in my body is telling me she was "creeping" with other people for a LONG time. But I don't know her so that's just an assumption and as we all know when you assume U can make an ASS out of ME.

a few years ago, before i had counselling?
the last thing on my mind was creeping.
it's easy to think the worst of her but it might not be that.

 

[B_andyo]

I think someone lose 7 years of his life because he was afraid to step up and change!

 

[FuzzyKen]

It is obvious that you were raised in a conservative home and you set values for yourself that were indeed good and lofty. There was nothing wrong with what YOU did!

In life we sometimes encounter people with problems that are not obvious to the naked eye. You had the misfortune in life to encounter an individual who had very obvious psychiatric issues. Your ex-wife needs professional help and that is the first part of where your problem lies.

Based on the information you have given, you invested seven years in a relationship and gave it the highest value only to discover that your spouse was unfaithful and had used one of the lamest excuses in the world regarding sexual intercourse. The fact that you invested the time you did is bound to have left emotional scarring and has placed doubt in your own mind about your ability to be a satisfactory sex partner. Some may make jokes, but hurt can leave really weird scars and cause abnormal reactions to situations. It is also a champion at causing self-doubt.

I watched a situation take place in a gay relationship a few years ago. The guys had been together for several decades and both thought that all was well. One night in passing one partner mentioned that he wished the other's penis were larger. The other partner over time felt so hurt and that the other person had simply "tolerated" him all those years. In a series of coincidences he found sex toys around the home while cleaning that implied the same thing. In spite of tears and a profuse apology from the one making the remark, things continued to unwind and a realtionship of over 20 years was destroyed over a simple remark. Both tried and tried to make things work but the damage was done because the words could not be erased.

Words can hurt and people do not realize that with the male species this is one area that in a percentage of men damage can be long lasting.

The word virgin simply means that one has had no sexual experience.

Based on the fact that you are here and have talked about your problems it indicates that you do have self doubts.

First:

You did nothing wrong. You wanted sex and that part of your relationship to mean something. To you it was a special thing and sharing it with another was a sacred thing. There is nothing wrong with that. If that is your belief system it is what works for you.

Second:

For your ex to go seven years and play the games she did would tend to indicate that there were things possibly going on far longer than you are or were aware of AND that you were simply a "meal ticket" until the next guy came along.

Third:

In this day and age with STD's being rampant no matter what the orientation is, you simply need to go out there and re-establish yourself as the great human being you probably are and start over.

There is nothing wrong with high standards. If you want a relationship based on the old value system that is a good thing because when you get it, you are virtually guaranteed a relationship that will last a lifetime.

At age 31 you are not old or "over-the-hill". Many people who are professionals do not start their lives or their families until their mid 30's to early 40's with regards to being males. MD's spend so many years in school and with the hellish life of internships and residencies that many of these men do not marry until later in life and there is nothing wrong with that.

It may be church or some activity for something you enjoy, maybe it is a cycling club, a car club, or dog show or whatever it is that you like, if you get out there you will find people who share your interest.

- - - - -

In my own experience with horses many years ago.......

Teaching a young kid to ride: "But Ken, I've never been on a horse before!" "Mandy, take it from me.....If you do what I tell you and we work together on it as a team....we can do our best to keep the horse from figuring it out!"

Good Luck,
Everybody has to get in the saddle some day.........Your time will come when it is right for you

 

[bguy]

bday, I wonder if your wife had been sexually abused/molested or even raped before. So now she is afraid of intercourse. Maybe she thought you were safe, so she married you, but still couldn't allow herself to have intercourse. Just a wild theory, since your story sounds very unusual.

I have a strong suspicion that is the case. Not only did she refuse to see a counselor, she never even went to the doctor once during our whole marriage. Again with the 'what could he tell me that I don't already know?' I think she was afraid of something. I did not want to question her about that because she was just about out the door when I started to think in that vein. Also, I don't know that there's a respectful way to ask 'Were you sexually abused/molested/raped as a child?' I've also read that sometimes those memories are repressed, and people don't even remember that it happened even though it affects them.

 

[bguy]

I think someone lose 7 years of his life because he was afraid to step up and change!

Yeah, as much as I recognize the problem originated with her, it was very much my fault that I let it go on for so long. I should've tried to address it a long time ago rather than avoiding it. I don't plan on making that mistake again.

 

[bguy]

FuzzyKen, your post was spot on. It's eerie how accurately you have described things. My relationship with her actually dates back to 1994, because we dated through college. It has been tough to come to grips with the fact that the last decade of my life has essentially been thrown away/wasted and now I'm starting over. But I've now seen enough people here and elsewhere to know that I've still got a good chance at happiness and won't be a virgin forever.

 

[B_boynextdoorkpt]

I am 18 and a virgin, some of are slow at it.

 

[scorpiokc]

From the pics, I'd get with you big or small, what a good-lookin hottie! Of course, wrong gender here for you who likes the female variety, but still ... I'm sure you'd be quite a catch for any woman, and plenty like 'em big.

 

[spunkyboy2008]

Hi bguy, I empathise because in a smaller way I've experienced a similar situation. Had emotionally abusive relationships that I didn't get anything out of, even though nothing that bad. I'm quite shy in real life and was a virgin long after my friends had lost theres, though not 31. Eventually I met a very "experienced" (to be euremistic!) guy, I was pretty nervous but managed to hide it and had great sex first time with him, so much so that he came back for more and more! That did a lot to boost my confidence as he never knew it was my first time. I'm not necessarily saying have sex with the first woman you can, just that maybe you'll be surprised it comes fairly naturally. Plus I didn't regret doing it with someone I wasn't going to have a relationship with and it hasn't stopped me from having a happy relationship since.

You seem like a really nice guy and you are definitely cute in my opinion, plus most women would regard a tool your size as big bonus! So I don't think you should have a major problem finding whatever sort of relationship you're after.

Just my 2c.

 

[bguy]

So much has happened in the short time since I started this thread. I met a woman via a different web site and after a couple of phone calls we started really connecting. We've been talking nightly for about a week and she is really into me. Because she told me a lot of personal details about her past, I felt I owed it to her to be just as honest. She was so sweet and caring when I explained that I'd never had intercourse or even a blowjob before, and it didn't seem to dampen her feelings for me at all. She also knows that I'm well-endowed.

We're going to meet in person for the first time on Saturday and she's said a few times that she will not be able to keep herself from jumping my bones. I'm very excited, but also still a bit nervous because I want to be able to please her. Although my attitude has changed tremendously, there's still some nagging doubts I'd like to banish. If anyone has any advice for how to pump myself up mentally, I'd love to hear it.

 

[spunkyboy2008]

That's great, I'm glad to hear it! I'm not sure about what to suggest for pumping yourself up mentally. Maybe you should take things a little slowly at first? If you don't want to or just in case, it might be a good idea to masturbate a few hours before (say at lunchtime or in the morning if you're meeting her in the evening) if you are worried about the excitement making you cum early. Sorry if that's not a concern for you, but I've found it helps!

 

[dolfette]

told you so.

*smug git*

 

[piratebulldog]

I was really impressed with the posts of some of the men and women who responded to your situation. I just want to affirm that it is not the idea of being a virgin but the idea of being a confident, adult man. Women who are confident in themselves would NOT be turned off by the fact that you are a virgin once they knew the situation that you had with your exwife. They would want to be reassured that you do not bring a lot of sexual baggage and insecurity. I don't think it necessary for you to share this whole thing with them on the first date but as you progress they have the right and you have the responsibility to let them know enough of your past. Good luck to you. I expect that you will make a woman a very good boyfriend, lover and husband. Now go out and get her. She is out there!

 

[galaxus]

I don't know what to say man. I'm a virgin aproching 20. I really just want to hahve sex just to get it over with. It seems like I'm late for somthing or missing out.

 

[MCA]

Not that I am having your experience at all, but I feel for you, bro, and I want to help. I've realized in my life that when I try the least hard I do the best sexually. When I try too hard, I act all strange. When I don't give a fuck, I get laid. The old quote that girls love jerks seems true sometimes, too.


I want to write like 20 paragraphs about this since I've had a few beers, and I tend to get loquacious, but I won't.

If I was 31 and hadn't gotten laid, I might think about just going to Amsterdam and looking for the top-notch hookers and just have enough money on hand to get a girl for a weekend. Tell them to be honest with you (while still having sex) and just hang out with a beautiful woman for a weekend, having as much sex as possible, going to dinner, etc., all the things you would do in a functional relationship with a crazy-hot girl.

Some people might think that this is fucked up, but I believe that once you get a taste for this sort of thing, an intelligent, heterosexual male will be able to learn and grow from this experience. It can't hurt you (as long as you wear a condom). Get over the hump, bro. Move on. Sex is great, but it shouldn't define your life. Get some and reclaim yourself.

You don't have to anything this intense, but I bet it would work.