How To Do Casual Well

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1850231

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I’m interested in the male perspective on what constitutes a good casual set up. Have you experienced an enjoyable, ideally ongoing, relationship with a woman you met on a site like this? What worked, what didn’t and how did it all end? I’m also curious as to the characteristics you found appealing in the women you met up with - physicality aside. And anything else you feel like sharing.
 

Catharsis

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OK. I wasn’t aware the Ask a Man meant Ask a Gay Man. I thought this was pretty generic.
I think it is. Sure your OP asks men how they met "women" for a casual thing but I think relationships are relationships and sex is sex. Bi, gay and queer men can compare their experience with other men, in fact I think it would become an interesting discussion. What do you think?
 

ronin001

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I think it is. Sure your OP asks men how they met "women" for a casual thing but I think relationships are relationships and sex is sex. Bi, gay and queer men can compare their experience with other men, in fact I think it would become an interesting discussion. What do you think?

Write a book Cath :)
 

marriedasian

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PART 1 REPLY...

it all depends a lot on what you want in this casual relationship. i'm going to assume that you are referring to a FWB (friends with benefits) relationship where you become friends and fuck. there certainly are relationships wherein you only meet up to fuck and then part thereafter. since the OP mentioned "ongoing" then i'm going to reply as such.

i had a few handfuls of FWBs growing up and my wife almost became another FWB but once we got to know each other more, we both realized that we had found each others' match and decided to go exclusive as boyfriend-girlfriend but would still fuck other people with consent from each other. i want to say that what happened with my wife is a rarity and don't expect any FWB to mature into any type of relationship other than a purely physical one. my wife simply fit my bill of a woman so perfectly that i couldn't pass up the chance to make her mine (and she couldn't pass me up either).

here's a couple of guidelines to follow:

BE HONEST AND VERY CLEAR ABOUT YOUR INTENTIONS: when it comes to the relationship, you have to be honest about what you want and what you expect, period. your partner should also do the same. if both of you cannot do this for each other then don't even bother having a fwb-relationship because sooner or later someone is going to get hurt, attached, and/or misunderstood. this will cause friction in the relationship and things will start going south really fast.

DEFINE THE BOUNDARIES OF THE "FRIEND" PART: an fwb-relationship is as much about being friends as it is about being fuck-buddies however set the boundaries of where your friendship ends. when you meet up with your fwb, you're gonna chat and catch up on life-events with each other before the clothes come off or even afterwards however you have to decide what you can and cannot talk about. for example, one of my rules with all of my fwb-ladies was that we didn't talk about things going on within our families or our careers. we both knew general information about family/career but we never shared anything detailed or personal. i knew she had 3 siblings and her mom was divorced but no clue why her mom was divorced or what her siblings did for a living. another rule was that we would not ask each other for help within our own lives. i was not there to save her and she was not here to save me. overall, this is a very grey area and only you can decide how far you want the friendship to go. the danger here is that the more you get to know a person, the more likely you may start to form an attachment; and that's a big no-no.

DON'T SHARE YOUR FWB RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE: probably the biggest mistake anyone can do is to let the cat out of the bag to a friend or whomever that you have a fwb-relationship. this applies to both partners. the issue here is that we live in a small world and if in the off-chance your FWB can be connected back to you in any way, it will ruin the relationship and make it awkward. i made this mistake with my very first fwb-lady. i boasted to a buddy of mine about who i was fucking with and about 3 weeks later, found out that she was a cousin of one of my buddy's sister's best friends. the word got out and she was slut-shamed by her friends and family. long story short, we quit fucking thereafter and i've never spoken to her since.

DON'T FALL IN LOVE OR GET ATTACHED: you would like to think this was a given, right? this happens more than not. we're humans and we're social creatures that crave that sense of belonging and acceptance; couple that with hot-good sex and you've got a formula for puppy-love at the minimum. this applies equally to both men and women. always remember that this relationship is built on physical sex and nothing more. the friendship is only there to keep it from being clinical; not to mention, making it a little bit more humane in that you have a person you can trust who is safe and clean. if you feel that you are developing feelings for your partner or you notice that your partner is starting to have feelings for you, then you need to either check those feelings away or end the relationship; just walk away... now some of you are thinking "i can turn this into a real relationship and make him/her mine"... WRONG! remember that the relationship was built on the need to find a partner to fuck. the relationship revolves around fucking each other. if you decide to go down this path, please know that you are on a very slippery slope heading towards thin ice. it can work but i don't recommend it and i don't have enough time to write how to make that work or how it can all fall apart.

DECIDE IF YOU WILL BE EXCLUSIVE FWBs or NOT: this is a touchy subject for both men and women however it needs to be clear from the get-go; no exceptions! this can cause serious damage both mentally and physically. this was my #1 rule when i was hunting for fwb-ladies; we only fuck each other. the notion is that you want to find a friend who wants the same thing so that you both can benefit from each other. if she is also fucking other guys as well as myself then i'm outta there. i have nothing against her doing this and she is more than free to do it but i don't want any part of it. it's not so much a man-thing in relation to being possessive; it's about getting STDs and whatnot from her other partners that i don't know about and/or trust. now there really is no way for you to know if your FWB is fucking someone else on the side so that's where the "friends" part comes into play. you should have a certain level of trust and know your FWB well enough to a point where when they say "you're the only one i'm fucking" that you actually can believe them. i've never been as ass with this rule however i've always made it clear that if they wanted to fuck other people then go ahead, just let me know so i can go find another exclusive FWB.

DON'T GET HUNG UP ON LOOKS OR FINDING THAT PERFECT PERSON: remember that an fwb-relationship is about fucking and nothing more so there's no need to set your standards on high. if you're looking for that 5'8", blonde, blue eyes, with 36C boobs weighing in at 120 pounds with clothes on then you're gonna be waiting a very long time... lols. the fact is that if she exists, she's getting hit on every day by men across all the spectrum; even good men who are well-intentioned and ready to love/marry her. women like this are far and between in the fwb-world. if you do find one, she is either very career-driven and have no time for a real love-relationship or she's had a bad run with men and has given up. either way, there's dynamics there that needs to be accounted for (and i don't have time to explain it here). what i recommend is to find a partner who is height-weight-proportionate, who has very good hygiene, and a strong sexual prowess. someone that knows how to take care of themselves physically. usually people who fall into this category are, for the most part, good-looking people if not average-to-above-average individuals. this is the perfect range to be in. these people will not be model-ready to be on the face of magazines or commercial ads but pleasing enough on the eyes. for me, it's always been about cleanliness and hygiene. if a woman knew how to take care of herself overall and had good skin all over her body then she was a potential FWB to me. of course, i would reciprocate all of my expectations and be very clean overall myself too. don't get hung up on the minor flaws either... if i found a woman with nice skin overall, decent body shape, but she had crooked teeth, it was not a deal breaker as long as she kept her teeth clean. i hope you're getting the point here.
 

marriedasian

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PART 2 REPLY...

BE WARY OF AGE AND EXPERIENCE:
as a general rule, i would recommend that you not get into the world of fwb-relationships until your late 20s or 30s and the same goes for your partner that you are seeking. the reason i put this guideline here is that the younger people are more susceptible to getting hurt and not knowing how to handle the mental stress of a fwb-relationship. usually when you find people who are 30+, they have experienced at least the ups and downs of dating and relationships that they will have some clue of what they want in a relationship to the point where they are willing to settle for a fuck-buddy for the time being. if they are really young (18-27 for example), i feel that they haven't experienced enough about life yet and i don't want to be the reason that they become sexual recluse people for the rest of their lives because shit went south in trying to form a fwb-relationship. i'm not saying that young fwb-partners who are mature don't exist, they're simply less of them so i just don't bother. lastly, another touchy scenario here is if they have never had a fwb-relationship. if this is your first time or their first time, i would take it very slow and follow my guidelines above exactly. newbies can be really great or really bad (and i don't have time to discuss newbies here).

SINGLE FWBs? MARRIED FWBs? IN-A-RELATIONSHIP FWBs?: this is a super-hard one and i will not write too much on it as i can write a book on the whole subject. my only advice here is that each of these 3 fwb-people have their ups and downs. the married and in-a-relationship fwb-people can be tricky as you are now entering into "cheating" territory and this carries its own repercussions if they're caught... single fwb-people have more freedom but also that freedom can cause headaches too... i will share that of all my fwb-ladies, only 4 were single ladies and the rest were either married or in a relationship. i find that attached women have more to lose and are therefore more willing to keep discreet about our fwb-activities therefore keeping things under wraps more than not. it's funny that i say this as the 4th single lady was my wife, haha... i guess life has a way of working out. i can't tell you what to do here; all i can say is be careful and be patient in selecting an fwb-partner. there's plenty of fish in the ocean, no need to rush.

BE READY TO WALK AWAY AT ANY MOMENT: if you don't take any of my guidelines above to heart, this is the one that you need to take to heart and your head too. always be ready and willing to walk away from the fwb-relationship at a moment's notice whether it is you who initiates it or your partner. an fwb-relationship is very unstable. you are not boyfriend/girlfriend and never will be. remember that your life is always moving forward and so is your FWB's life too. at any moment, you may find that special someone that you connect with at an emotional level and want to end your fwb-relationship... or your FWB might meet a new fwb-person and want to drop you. there's a whole bunch of scenarios that can end your fwb-relationship. hell, you can just wake up tomorrow and decide that you're done fucking and want to take a break, hehe. whatever the case may be, just be ready and whatever you do, DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY OR GET OFFENDED... there is no "dumping" in an fwb-relationship. it's just simply "stopping" the relationship. if your partner cuts it off then just go find another one. if you can't handle this in giving or receiving then don't get into an fwb-relationship because you will get hurt (and it will hurt). nobody likes to feel like they're not good enough or being thrown away however this is the reality of this type of relationship. it's not a good or bad thing, it's just what it is.

*whew* that was alot... i have so much more but i will stop it here. i feel that this is enough to get anyone going in the fwb-world. it's definitely not for everyone and not everyone should try it but if you want to give it a go then i do hope you read, and re-read what i've shared as it will help you along your journey. every fwb-relationship is different so be patient, head-strong, and keep your heart in-check as you navigate your way through. it can be a fun time for both you and your partner if you can do it right and be logical, as well as real about it all. i have gotten hurt in my past fwb-relationships and have hurt others too because i wasn't fully aware of what i was doing or getting into. live and learn, i guess...

as for how my last FWB became my wife... well, i'll save that for another day... :)
 
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1850231

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Oh man, this is amazing - I’m printing it out. Thank you so much for digging deep, that you also wrote sub sections and in bullet form, is just fucking beautiful. Thank you.

(I especially appreciate your point on age and experience. I agree. Although younger guys are super keen to hook up, they are just as vulnerable as young women to being hurt by a set up that was just not well thought out.)

I’ll read through this again, and may come back with further thoughts. But seriously, this is perfect. Exactly what I’ve been trying to find, online.
 

marriedasian

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Oh man, this is amazing - I’m printing it out. Thank you so much for digging deep, that you also wrote sub sections and in bullet form, is just fucking beautiful. Thank you.

(I especially appreciate your point on age and experience. I agree. Although younger guys are super keen to hook up, they are just as vulnerable as young women to being hurt by a set up that was just not well thought out.)

I’ll read through this again, and may come back with further thoughts. But seriously, this is perfect. Exactly what I’ve been trying to find, online.

you're very welcome. :) have fun and be safe about it!
 

marriedasian

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Yeah . . . funny how it works out that way sometimes . . . .:cool:

it was a huge risk for sure but a risk i was willing to take on. even if i fell flat on my face, the good outweighed the bad so much that i went for it... and it worked out... thankfully... i still don't recommend it though.