How To End A Complicated /financially Dependent Relationship?

[Trickcyclist]

I've been in a relationship with my partner for 15 years now. It been sexless for 8 but it's only in the last few years I realised I don't love him, but feel a huge sense of responsibility towards his future safety and well-being.
We are well off as a couple, and have a luxurious home but my salary is 4 times my oh. This doesn't bother me, but I think has been a conscious and unconscious problem in our relationship. I'm quite avoidant of difficult conversations but in the last six months we've drifted even further apart, sleeping in separate rooms, ostensibly because I use CPAP now and he's been restless.
Has anyone found a way of addressing this situation and surviving, scathed or otherwise. I don't forsee an esay path, but any advice for both now and the future would be welcome. X

 

[1222288]

I've been in a relationship with my partner for 15 years now. It been sexless for 8 but it's only in the last few years I realised I don't love him, but feel a huge sense of responsibility towards his future safety and well-being.
We are well off as a couple, and have a luxurious home but my salary is 4 times my oh. This doesn't bother me, but I think has been a conscious and unconscious problem in our relationship. I'm quite avoidant of difficult conversations but in the last six months we've drifted even further apart, sleeping in separate rooms, ostensibly because I use CPAP now and he's been restless.
Has anyone found a way of addressing this situation and surviving, scathed or otherwise. I don't forsee an esay path, but any advice for both now and the future would be welcome. X

You and I are in similar circumstances, yet in some aspects vastly different.

My partner and I have been together for 20+ years. Sex died a loooong time ago, but that's mostly ok. It is part of the evolution of a mature relationship. If your relationship lasts 10+ years, it tend to slide into a companionship role. That is, you love each other, complete each others lives in some way, generally enjoy each others company (breaks are ok and needed) and communication, and support one another emotionally. Companions.

Sex always fades. Love can as well. That is the important thing in what you said: that your love isn't there anymore. That is the kicker.

What you described says you've divorced in every way but your living space. Coming to terms in a very clear, realistic way that it is over is what you are struggling with. That, and guilt. I think there is a reasonable amount of support you should give, should you choose to live separately. You may not love him, but you are still friends on some level, and your time together as partners still means something.

My partner and I opened our relationship somewhat. Not being rigid on that helps. We still sleep in the same bed, and genuinely love each other. But, we haven't had sex in ages. He is also the breadwinner, as an executive, and are quite well off. So, similar to you, but right now things are still working out. I found your post interesting, because if we were to split up your situation would be mine, but from the other perspective.

 

[Trickcyclist]

Thanks everyone for your considered replies. Well we have started to have a conversation, and despite my partner dropping hints for a while now, that things weren't good between us, it does seem to have come from left of field for him and he's devastated.
We have agreed to see a couples counsellor, and he's going to see a private therapist re his own anger issues. 420Canadian has the sum of it - I think I'm divorced in my own head and I don't see the relationship surviving as it currently is. There's still a lot of care there, and I'm aware of my legal obligations and would certainly make sure everything was divided fairly. I worry about his future as he drinks too much, and I worry that'd get out of control if we weren't together. At times I wonder could we live together as brothers, as we don't really have anyone close to us nearby - I'm not too bad as I have developed some good friendships locally, but OH has been rather isolated, and because of his hatred of the world, it has made it difficult to make friendships locally. His nearest friends are over an hour away - by plane!
For me I'm relieved the journey has started at least, but how it progresses remains to be seen.
Thanks again guys, the input is appreciated.

 

[OKCLane]

I was in the hospital for spinal fusion in December 2018 and they discovered during my week that I have sleep apnea. My husband can’t believe how quiet I am now at night. Clearly he was putting up with a lot of snoring. All this to say I don’t buy the machine as an excuse to sleep separately.
I’m not sure why you feel a huge sense of security for his financial future. Is he a spendthrift? Since you make more do you pay for more outings or groceries? Does he have savings or does he spend all that he makes? Are you considering selling the house and splitting the money? You could gift him with your current furnishings since you could more easily afford new things?
It sounds like it’s time to have a serious conversation. There’s a lot of info missing from your post so my reply may miss the mark.
I’m very sorry things have turned out this way. Change is difficult and the journey ahead is going to be hard. I hope you have family and friends there to support you.

 

[marriedasian]

i would say find a quiet time where the two of you can openly talk about your relationship and come to terms with where the relationship is and whether or not to end it. for all you know, he may not be feeling the same way. he may think that the relationship is just fine and how the relationship is right now is perfectly okay with him. until you can openly share your viewpoints on the relationship, it's just your point-of-view.

there's no easy way to go about this. you just have to be honest and sincere about your feelings and hope for the best. he may be feeling the same way too. good luck!

 

[ohiorod]

It will be a difficult conversation when you have it. Keep in mind that you feel that responsibility and that this once someone you loved. Be fair and conduct the talk(s) in stages allowing him to think about things, especially, if this comes out of left field to him. Sometimes former partners can make good friends, but even that requires work on both sides. Good luck!

 

[ronin001]

First, let me say that relationships can be tremendously difficult to maintain; and I do applaud those who overcome life's obstacles and stay together .

I see that you live in AU. well welcome to the year 2019. Though you did not use the term marriage, your partner may the legal protection of a De Facto relationship / what we sometimes call Palimony in the US. Since your income is 4X his, the lifestyle he has become accustomed to may need to be maintained for a period of time.

This is if you two separate amicable, and go your separate ways as friends.

Good luck , for you both

 

[ItsAll4Kim]

Thanks everyone for your considered replies. Well we have started to have a conversation, and despite my partner dropping hints for a while now, that things weren't good between us, it does seem to have come from left of field for him and he's devastated.
We have agreed to see a couples counsellor, and he's going to see a private therapist re his own anger issues. 420Canadian has the sum of it - I think I'm divorced in my own head and I don't see the relationship surviving as it currently is. There's still a lot of care there, and I'm aware of my legal obligations and would certainly make sure everything was divided fairly. I worry about his future as he drinks too much, and I worry that'd get out of control if we weren't together. At times I wonder could we live together as brothers, as we don't really have anyone close to us nearby - I'm not too bad as I have developed some good friendships locally, but OH has been rather isolated, and because of his hatred of the world, it has made it difficult to make friendships locally. His nearest friends are over an hour away - by plane!
For me I'm relieved the journey has started at least, but how it progresses remains to be seen.
Thanks again guys, the input is appreciated.

If you live together as brothers, that is nearly the same as having an open relationship. If that wasn't something you both ever desired as a couple, it might be a disaster, especially as you say he has anger issues.

Perhaps you could live separately but remain friends and keep an eye on him. You could offer a decreasing support payment arrangement if you feel it will help him move on. The finances are easily as difficult as the emotional in a divorce, because money evokes many emotions.

 

[Trickcyclist]

If you live together as brothers, that is nearly the same as having an open relationship. If that wasn't something you both ever desired as a couple, it might be a disaster, especially as you say he has anger issues.

Perhaps you could live separately but remain friends and keep an eye on him. You could offer a decreasing support payment arrangement if you feel it will help him move on. The finances are easily as difficult as the emotional in a divorce, because money evokes many emotions.

Thanks Kim,
I guess the living as brothers is wishful thinking on my part - we do work ok as a pair of men sharing a house, but I would like if he could manage some of the simple maintenance part of living in a property, and worry how he'd cope living on his own. However,thinking aloud, I think in the end his need for me to take charge and responsibility for things would drive me mad, and even damage a brotherly relationship. I would however see a big difference between being brothers and having an open relationship. For me, having an open relationship means my relationship with my partner is primary, and everyone else is a bit on the side, whereas being brothers means no sexual or romantic attachment, which means I'd be free to fall in love and have another primary relationship if I wanted. Polyamory certainly wouldn't work, especially when I think there's no "amory" in my now primary relationship.

 

[ItsAll4Kim]

Thanks Kim,
I guess the living as brothers is wishful thinking on my part - we do work ok as a pair of men sharing a house, but I would like if he could manage some of the simple maintenance part of living in a property, and worry how he'd cope living on his own. However,thinking aloud, I think in the end his need for me to take charge and responsibility for things would drive me mad, and even damage a brotherly relationship. I would however see a big difference between being brothers and having an open relationship. For me, having an open relationship means my relationship with my partner is primary, and everyone else is a bit on the side, whereas being brothers means no sexual or romantic attachment, which means I'd be free to fall in love and have another primary relationship if I wanted. Polyamory certainly wouldn't work, especially when I think there's no "amory" in my now primary relationship.

I essentially meant it would have the same basic setup...you live together but see others. Maybe roommates is more accurate than brothers or an open relationship.

At any rate, your concerns about his dependence mean this probably won't work. I think that other than some short-term financial support, you might be better off making a clean break. Is there anything preventing him from supporting himself?