How to establish boundaries on a date?

[shard38]

I had a very unsettling experience two weeks ago and for some reason it keeps me awake at night.

I had a hookup with a guy I meet online. We met at a parking space (well known cruising area) and drove away to a more private spot. We started making out, all sweet and good. He had indicated he wanted to be a bottom and so we got naked, he got on top and all was great. He got realky into it, starting clawing at my chest and belly with his fingernails. I asked him not to do that, as pain is a big turn off for me. He stopped, but couple of minutes later placed his hands around my throat. Again, I asked him to stop. He did and then grabbed my throat again. I got mad and pushed his hands away on which point he slapped my face really hard. That was enough for me, so I told him I was going. He pinned me down and continued. At that point I got scared and told him to stop and tried to get out from under him. But he fought me back and then punched my forehead with his hand. That really hurt so I stopped struggling. He then continued, untill he slowed down and then I was able to get away from under him, grabbed my shirt, left the car and walked away.

I was quite shaken and keep wondering: how could he not have understood I didn't want that? Should you talk these things through before the clothes come off? Was I overreacting? How do you make sure people respect these boundaries?

 

[BillM]

Clear and simple this is RAPE!!! Dude you are lucky you got our with just a few punches as the damn fool could have killed you with his hands around your neck!!! I do not no the laws in your country and as most of us We feel We bring this on ourselves by meeting guys for sex, and I know you DO NOT want to report him, however he will continue doing this to others!!! Bill

 

[alcor972]

Was I overreacting?

I don't think you overreacted...
because a sexual encounter is not a fight but a partnership where everybody has to be the winner...
no humiliation... no pain... no punch...
only respect should prevail... which means that... when your partner asks you to stop anything... you have to listen to him...
sorry... very sorry for you shard...
as for me... my promiscuous behaviour increasingly exposes me to such bad encounters... it's difficult to well understand the personality in front of you while you're just about to spend sometimes just 30 minutes together for having sex...
and it's complicated to put limits to an encounter because it seems to me that sexual feelings are rather difficult to tame... once the encounter is en route... I have no more a good control about what could happen... and I become very vulnerable to guys like the one you met...
that's partly why currently... I am trying to regulate the rythm of my sexual encounters...
in fact... I think that... it's not possible to really put boundaries to a date... but you can put boundaries and rules to your own behaviour... which may be the key to be a little more protected against bad experiences...
thank you, shard for having shared your experience... and again... he was wrong... not you...

 

[Mercurygirl]

Hooking up with a complete stranger you met over the Internet in a parking lot is a really dumb thing to do.

Seriously, why not just bring a rope and knife next time and make it even more easier for him?

 

[pcghabsy]

I was quite shaken and keep wondering: how could he not have understood I didn't want that? Should you talk these things through before the clothes come off? Was I overreacting? How do you make sure people respect these boundaries?

You are not overreacting and every right to be very upset. However, you should get to know the person well before making such a move. Especially if it's some random guy from the internetz. (No - internet chats don't count) I think that's the lesson to learn - get to know them, be sure you are on the same page, only then move forward with sex.

I hope others will chime in about how to deal with the situation that happened, it's not a light matter.

 

[BillM]

Hooking up with a complete stranger you met over the Internet in a parking lot is a really dumb thing to do.

Seriously, why not just bring a rope and knife next time and make it even more easier for him?

That the difference between you beautiful ladies and us horn dog dudes that think with our cocks more then our brains sometimes!!! Bill just saying

 

[williamhunter21]

Shit man I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you are ok.

 

[Mercurygirl]

That the difference between you beautiful ladies and us horn dog dudes that think with our cocks more then our brains sometimes!!! Bill just saying

If that's the case apparently the OP's penis rendered him temporarily insane and offered the rest of his body up as a serial killer's dream date. Jeffrey Damher would have loved this guy.

 

[BillM]

If that's the case apparently the OP's penis rendered him temporarily insane and offered the rest of his body up as a serial killer's dream date. Jeffrey Damher would have loved this guy.

TRUE!!! Bill

 

[EllieP]

This went from consensual sex to something different. I don't know if I'd call it rape, but it's abuse pure and simple.

I don't know how you handle ground rules with a random pick up. I'm lead to believe that he wouldn't heed any of your terms anyway.

Please be more careful in the future.

 

[shard38]

Thanks for your support everyone. It was indeed a wake-up call to be more careful. Then again I had a lot of these casual hookups and nothing went wrong there. I don't think the outcome would have been any different if I had gone to dinner with him before we started the sex.

 

[950483]

So many people meet through social media and dating websites these days that it is the norm, and approaching strangers or trying to make conversation like people used to in the olden days can actually be seen as weird. So I agree that he would have been the same twisted individual whether you had dinner with him first or not.

Please report him if you feel able to do so because he sounds dangerous. A male friend of mine once narrowly survived a similar situation and did report it to the police because the other man had tried to kill him.

What happened to you was a serious and violent sexual assault, and aside from whether you report it to the police or not you should maybe consider counselling. It was rape.

 

[950483]

This went from consensual sex to something different. I don't know if I'd call it rape, but it's abuse pure and simple.

I don't know how you handle ground rules with a random pick up. I'm lead to believe that he wouldn't heed any of your terms anyway.

Please be more careful in the future.

The situation went from consensual sex to rape. That is what non-consensual sex is called. The fact that there was consent originally at the beginning does not mean that it isn't rape if the person then changes their mind and actually says "stop" or "no".

Put yourself in that same situation, and you will quite clearly see that it was rape.

 

[shard38]

I hesitate to call it rape because at the moment I was penetrating him, not the other way around. But you're right it was non-consensual. Don't really know how to deal with it. My mind keeps wandering back to it and I just don't understand how someone would continue if it's clear the other one isn't enjoying it and even struggling.

 

[950483]

I hesitate to call it rape because at the moment I was penetrating him, not the other way around. But you're right it was non-consensual. Don't really know how to deal with it. My mind keeps wandering back to it and I just don't understand how someone would continue if it's clear the other one isn't enjoying it and even struggling.

Ultimately that is for you to decide I guess. Having an erection at the time does not mean that it wasn't rape though, or that it was your fault that he continued after you asked him to stop. Talking to a properly trained professional could help you unravel your confusion. The fact that your mind keeps wandering back to it, and that it keeps re-playing in your mind indicates to me that you have experienced a traumatic incident. If it's keeping you awake at night you might possibly be experiencing post traumatic stress. You could get some help from a rape crisis centre if that is available to you. Find the right professional to talk to, not a random idiot.

The point you are missing here is that he didn't want you to enjoy it. If he had wanted to meet up with someone who would have enjoyed it and given consent beforehand I'm certain he could have done so.

 

[BillM]

Ultimately that is for you to decide I guess. Having an erection at the time does not mean that it wasn't rape though, or that it was your fault that he continued after you asked him to stop. Talking to a properly trained professional could help you unravel your confusion. The fact that your mind keeps wandering back to it, and that it keeps re-playing in your mind indicates to me that you have experienced a traumatic incident. If it's keeping you awake at night you might possibly be experiencing post traumatic stress. You could get some help from a rape crisis centre if that is available to you. Find the right professional to talk to, not a random idiot.

The point you are missing here is that he didn't want you to enjoy it. If he had wanted to meet up with someone who would have enjoyed it and given consent beforehand I'm certain he could have done so.

Damn well put, oh swoon I hope you were not calling Me the random idiot?? Bill lol

 

[sangheili90]

How about spend some quality time with a potential partner and get to know them as an individual before putting yourself in a potentially vulnerable and dangerous position. I don't know the full story, so I could be wrong, but it sounds like you started chatting with some random guy online and went to an isolated spot to meet him for a sexual rendezvous. If this is the case, it really shouldn't take much cranial capacity to discern how to avoid this.

 

[sangheili90]

Clear and simple this is RAPE!!! Dude you are lucky you got our with just a few punches as the damn fool could have killed you with his hands around your neck!!! I do not no the laws in your country and as most of us We feel We bring this on ourselves by meeting guys for sex, and I know you DO NOT want to report him, however he will continue doing this to others!!! Bill

The guy he encountered sounded like a pussy so I doubt he'd be able to strangle him to death, unless the OP is a complete wimp.

People like this will continue to do this, like you said, until someone gives them the well deserved beat down of a life, plain and simple.

 

[950483]

Damn well put, oh swoon I hope you were not calling Me the random idiot?? Bill lol

No I'm not . I'm saying that it's best to find someone qualified who works in this area of expertise. So many men just never tell a living soul if they've been sexually assaulted and I think it's mostly because we live in a sexist world. Well meaning people could even make matters worse by, for example, insisting that he loved it and has nothing to complain about because he had an erection, which is nonsense. Or suggesting that he was asking for it or expecting it because he was meeting people from online, also nonsense. How many people use dating websites for goodness sake?

 

[LaFemme]

Definitely sexual assault, regardless of who was penetrating whom. I'd talk to a sexual assault crisis counsellor. You were assaulted. It was a deeply frightening situation. You could have died. I'm so glad you did not.

Telling you what you did wrong is pointless. You are a victim here. He is the one who did something wrong. And you are right. You could have gone for dinner, held hands and ended up back at your place - the outcome likely would have been the same. Do NOT blame yourself. He wanted to hurt someone and he did. You escaped. So you did something right.

When a man is sexually assaulted, it's different than for a woman. There are different feelings triggered. So if you are feeling yourself going back to this event in your mind, talk to someone who works with men if you can. You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to feel strong and in control. This was not your fault, it was his fault. 100% his fault.