Thank you, LaFemme. Wise and comforting words. I guess I have to be honest with myself and acknowledge that this can't be brushed aside as an incident. Looking for some councelling in the neighbourhood now.
How to establish boundaries on a date?
- Thread starter shard38
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I hope you find someone good. Don't settle until you're comfortable with someone. You deserve to feel safe, strong and as whole as possible again. And don't listen to anyone who blames you. Don't waste time on "I should have, I could have..." Again, it's all on him- not you. A predator is a predator regardless of situation.
Best of luck, sweetie and lots of hugs!
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LPSG, can be a great place for good advice every now and again
The counsellor will use the first session to explain how counselling works, discuss your expectations of what you hope to gain from the counselling, and find out if there are specific subjects you wish to discuss. It is an opportunity for you to decide whether you think you can build trust and a rapport with the counsellor, so if you do not feel comfortable with them you can find someone else rather than giving up altogether. Don't expect to come out fixed after one session, sometimes it can make you feel temporarily worse even, it takes time. Hope you found a good one, and that it goes well for you.
Second session today. Working on recognizing boundaries in everyday life. She said someone crossed my boundaries forcefully and I need to realise for myself that I do have and express boundaries. She said: just because someone didn't respect your boundaries, doesn't mean you don't have them. Good advice, so I wanted to share with you guys who have been so supporting.
Shard, Have you thought of what your own boundaries in everyday life is to YOU and is she able to teach you how to deal with people that do cross them? Thanks for sharing you sessions with Us!! Bill
Of course he didn't care. He's a stranger. He doesn't care if you laugh or die. Next time, punch him very hard in the face. A broken nose sends a clear message.
That's the strange thing. He seemed to care when we started. That's why I didn't see this coming.
Of course I should have punched him in the face. But that's very hard to do when someone is holding your wrists down.
OK, bad advice. I'm just angry on your behalf, sorry.
The reason you didn't see it coming was that he planned to do this, and has most likely done the same thing to other people. It is not unusual in that situation to just freeze, or simply not know what to do even without someone holding your wrists. When something bizarre, and frightening happens your brain can just take too long to process it and figure out what is happening. It's all very well seeing clearly what you could or should have done in hindsight, but when something catches you off guard it's not so simple. You did spend a couple of days trying to get your brain to process what had happened, and trying to understand that it had really happened to you in real life, you even had to ask the internet "what the fuck just happened?" , so don't beat yourself up about either how you could have avoided it in the first place, or how you responded at the time.
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Your instincts would have had more time to kick in. Maybe you would have picked up on his ill vibe, and maybe not, but you would have had the chance to. It is risk management, not flat out prevention. And stop contradicting yourself. Your instincts ate s reaming at you to take some kind of precaution in the future. Yet, in the same breath, you are back to thinking it's okay because of all the lucky times. True, most people are not abusive. True, nothing will guarantee that you never experience anything like that again. Still, your gut is trying to tell you that some kind of precaution is warranted. I agree with your gut. Please be careful out there. You are valuable. Generally, we are not careless with valuables, right?
Having said that, know that nothing you do can control other people, or guarantee that no one will violate your trust. I say this to emphasize that not of this was your fault. None of it. I'm glad counseling is going well, and I wish you wellness and peace. *huggle*
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sangheili90
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This would seem common sense, hoping he actually takes your advice here. I could understand if he dated this guy a few times and during the first time they got sexual this assault happened and he feels unsure of what to do...but he met up with a complete stranger he "met" on the internet and when his first rendezvous with the guy was at an isolated location purely for sexual reasons.
sangheili90
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It is normal to think that would be the first instinct but I could easily see that escalating it to the point of it becoming a very dangerous situation, I guess it depends on the individual though and how confident you are in your physical capabilities. Most people are in poor physical shape and very few actually can fight in a combative manner, some martial artists are really skilled in their sports but it doesn't mean that would carry over to actual combat in a real life situation.
Date rape usually happens quickly. It really goes from friendly to ugly in a split second - the mind can't even process what is happening when it happens most of the time. It just freezes up.
The instinct to normalize the situation is strong in the victim. Self blame, trying to figure out where consent was given. Lots of victims even go out with the perpetrator again to convince themselves the first time didn't happen, that it couldn't have happened, to try and make things feel normal again.
The problem is that is doesn't feel normal again. It never does until the victim talks about the assault and deals with the pain and loss that it brought to him/her. There is such a sense of violation, pain, loss of safety, a shift in how one views the world. If one reports to the authorities, it just gets worse. Especially since the very behaviours associated with victims following date rape are the very ones that make it nearly impossible to convict the perpetrator. This means perpetrators get to move on to more and more victims, never seeing anything wrong with their behaviour.
I never blame anyone for not fighting back. Until you've been there, you don't know. It's fast. They are prepared and you are not. They may have drugs or alcohol or physical strength to help overpower their victim. They may even have friends to help them.
I never blame anyone for not reporting. Reporting is exposing yourself to more abuse than one can imagine - by the perpetrator's friends, family, and by the legal system. Anyone who thinks someone who reports for revenge has no clue what hell it is. And the truth is, false reports on sexual crime is the same as it is for any other crime. Pretty low.
The most important thing is to get help. And as soon after the assault as possible. I'm so glad shard is getting help. It's not just about setting boundaries. It's about making sure he knows he's still a man, still in control of his own body and still valuable.
The instinct to normalize the situation is strong in the victim. Self blame, trying to figure out where consent was given. Lots of victims even go out with the perpetrator again to convince themselves the first time didn't happen, that it couldn't have happened, to try and make things feel normal again.
The problem is that is doesn't feel normal again. It never does until the victim talks about the assault and deals with the pain and loss that it brought to him/her. There is such a sense of violation, pain, loss of safety, a shift in how one views the world. If one reports to the authorities, it just gets worse. Especially since the very behaviours associated with victims following date rape are the very ones that make it nearly impossible to convict the perpetrator. This means perpetrators get to move on to more and more victims, never seeing anything wrong with their behaviour.
I never blame anyone for not fighting back. Until you've been there, you don't know. It's fast. They are prepared and you are not. They may have drugs or alcohol or physical strength to help overpower their victim. They may even have friends to help them.
I never blame anyone for not reporting. Reporting is exposing yourself to more abuse than one can imagine - by the perpetrator's friends, family, and by the legal system. Anyone who thinks someone who reports for revenge has no clue what hell it is. And the truth is, false reports on sexual crime is the same as it is for any other crime. Pretty low.
The most important thing is to get help. And as soon after the assault as possible. I'm so glad shard is getting help. It's not just about setting boundaries. It's about making sure he knows he's still a man, still in control of his own body and still valuable.
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