How to get back on the horse when you've been off for so long?

sim21

Experimental Member
Joined
Nov 18, 2017
Posts
2
Media
0
Likes
5
Points
13
Gender
Male
Hope this doesn't bore you and i don't go on too long but need some friendly advice because really don't have anyone i can ask personally,

Anyway here goes - i was with my partner for 26 years, we meet when i was 17 and i loved him very much, the sex ended after maybe 10 years as he was on anti-depressants and stopped be able or interested in sex, as i loved him it did not bother me, I never found sex in other places or cheated (truth), the no sex really did not bother me that much at the time (may sound strange, not sure). Anyway after 26 years my partner told me he was leaving me as he had found someone else, and since he left i pretty much found out for the whole 26 years he was having sex/relationships with other men and he told me he should have left a long time ago, which pretty much left me devastated as you can imagine, i had spent the last 16 years not having sex for a lie, for a person that was having sex elsewhere and having a life i knew nothing about.

So as he went on with his life with a new partner, a sex life ect, here i am 3 1/2 years later still on my own and seriously i am not sure what to do with the rest of my life at the grade old age of 47, nearly 20 years of not having sexual experiences or relationship, i do not know how to start again, how do i get back to having a relationship or even just having sex again - that may sound strange but i really do feel that as it has been so long that maybe that will never happen again, if only my ex-partner had, had the balls to leave years ago maybe i would have found it much easier to start again,but it has been so long, i am scared! apart from the whole relationship thing, just even having sex again scares me, it really does!

So anyway for this - 20 years no sex, overweight, very shy, unconfident guy, how the hell do i ever get back to having a sex life again let alone a relationship?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, wow can't believe i have done this.
Simon x

Ps Having read this over, before i post it i just wanted to point out that i am happy and not depressed or anything like that, i have my own business, a beautiful house and three beautiful dogs that are my babies, it is just is that enough for the rest of my life!

You can all breathe now. LOL
 

chancesare

Loved Member
Joined
Jul 26, 2008
Posts
289
Media
0
Likes
631
Points
348
Location
Los Angeles (California, United States)
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
I don't know if sex should be a priority . . . It's just sex. If you want just sex, dive in on Adam4Adam or one of the apps. Take a recent picture, make a profile, and start chatting. You will find nice people interested in having sex with you. It's a no obligation entrance into having sex.

But maybe it's better just to make gay friends. Look for a gay meet up on Meetup or join a gay organization. Or, if you are in a big city, just join any group, and you are liable to find gay people.

I am glad you are happy. I am sorry your partner did what he did, but I hope you can find satisfaction in knowing you were happy then, are happy now, and will be happy in the future. Sex is a blast, but it is just sex.
 
  • Like
Reactions: OKCLane

tito21

Superior Member
Gold
Platinum Gold
Joined
Apr 10, 2010
Posts
1,760
Media
0
Likes
4,088
Points
568
Sim, I know it’s a cliche to tell you this. Get active, get fit, and you’ll get your confidence back. You have 3 dogs, so take them out for long walks and jog with them.

Speaking from personal experience, when you are fit and physically strong, you’ll develop a sense of pride for yourself, in both fitness and appearance. I’m guessing you are almost in your 50s, so it’s always good to stay active and lead a healthy lifestyle for yourself, your dogs and your future lover. You don’t need to have a sculpted body and 6 packs. If i’m going to date a mature guy, i would want him to be fit and healthy, so we can have a long future together.

Sim, you sound like a stable guy since you have your own successful business and a beautiful home. Those are attractive attributes since that offer financial security to your potential lover. But you will need to weed out the gold diggers and scumbags otherwise they’ll use you like what your ex-bf did.

A guy i know, let’s called him John was in a 9 year marriage. Sex stopped at about 4 years into the marriage because the ex husband had ‘a low sex drive’. The ex husband was having bareback sex with strangers on cruising spots while John’s was at work. John has a good paying job and was the provider in the relationship. Long story short. Ex husband contracted HIV and accused John of cheating. John had been a faithful partner and got tested and came back negative. So the truth got out.

Anyway, John dumped the cheating husband and hit the gym. He told me that he had been overweight for most of his life, but after the divorce, he decided that he want to be fit and start a new life. Now john looks similar to alexander skarsgård, sexy with defined jawline and the cheating ex husband wants to get some of that hot stuff. So John put a restraining order against him. That cheating scumbag then spread rumours on facebook that John has HIV and that’s how he lost so much of his weight in a year. John told me that some people actually believed that son of bitch!

Yes, I have played with John and he has a 7 inch cock.
 
  • Like
Reactions: OKCLane

keenobserver

Worshipped Member
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Posts
8,550
Media
0
Likes
13,945
Points
433
Location
east coast usa
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Hope this doesn't bore you and i don't go on too long but need some friendly advice because really don't have anyone i can ask personally,

Anyway here goes - i was with my partner for 26 years, we meet when i was 17 and i loved him very much, the sex ended after maybe 10 years as he was on anti-depressants and stopped be able or interested in sex, as i loved him it did not bother me, I never found sex in other places or cheated (truth), the no sex really did not bother me that much at the time (may sound strange, not sure). Anyway after 26 years my partner told me he was leaving me as he had found someone else, and since he left i pretty much found out for the whole 26 years he was having sex/relationships with other men and he told me he should have left a long time ago, which pretty much left me devastated as you can imagine, i had spent the last 16 years not having sex for a lie, for a person that was having sex elsewhere and having a life i knew nothing about.

So as he went on with his life with a new partner, a sex life ect, here i am 3 1/2 years later still on my own and seriously i am not sure what to do with the rest of my life at the grade old age of 47, nearly 20 years of not having sexual experiences or relationship, i do not know how to start again, how do i get back to having a relationship or even just having sex again - that may sound strange but i really do feel that as it has been so long that maybe that will never happen again, if only my ex-partner had, had the balls to leave years ago maybe i would have found it much easier to start again,but it has been so long, i am scared! apart from the whole relationship thing, just even having sex again scares me, it really does!

So anyway for this - 20 years no sex, overweight, very shy, unconfident guy, how the hell do i ever get back to having a sex life again let alone a relationship?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, wow can't believe i have done this.
Simon x

Ps Having read this over, before i post it i just wanted to point out that i am happy and not depressed or anything like that, i have my own business, a beautiful house and three beautiful dogs that are my babies, it is just is that enough for the rest of my life!

You can all breathe now. LOL

Your story breaks my heart and I feel your pain and loneliness. From my experience your first priority is some attitude assesment. I respect your matter of fact style or explaining your situation. I don't see any self pity, or attempts to color your situation. That's important. Keep in mind that you being the victim of an ignorant asshole does not diminish you in the least. Sometimes when dealing with failed relationships we slide blame on ourselves and start to feel we deserved what happened. You don't. You story shows a man committed and loyal in the face of adversity. It shows integrity and honor too. You need to keep in mind those are valuable things to bring to any relationship, and in very short supply. Despite how you've been treated, it is highly desirable and very attractive to people.

Second, "getting back in the saddle again," - start by expanding your world a bit. Get involved in something that brings you joy. It might be a bowling club, a political group, a public service venture, like helping at a food bank, or going to an accepting church. If there are groups in your area that encourage gay members, sign up, but gay people of all ages are everywhere, and you never know when your path will cross with the right guy, BUT if you're not on A path, you will miss it.

If you want to find a good friend you must let people see you are a good friend. Project by your actions and treatment of others the kind of man you hope to find for yourself by being that man. Like you, my good friend J. found himself out of a long relationship and was heartbroken. He was 65 and in so so health, and a few pounds heavier than he liked. He got out, started walking, joined a seniors swim club and took better care of himself. All along he was positive and outgoing, taking an interest in new people and not being consumed by what had happened to him. Look forward, not back, force yourself to open up to others in a positive embracing way. Once you get the hang of it, feels good.

Now, the sex. Sort of "Back in the saddle, deeper :). Earlier posts mentioned on line apps, and they can work quite nicely. I like to meet in person myself. I hit an occasional bar myself, but before getting intimate get some self practice with some toys, lubes and dildos. Get used to the feeling back down there. Lack of contact can make you a bit, or a lot ticklish. For plain of hook up sex, I don't mind paying for it when it is available. Treat the trade kindly and they always respond positively. Patience is the key, the idea is to find enjoyment but you can't make up for lost time.

Thanks for sharing your story, good luck going forward.
 

OKCLane

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Sep 27, 2012
Posts
1,922
Media
307
Likes
6,655
Points
383
Location
Oklahoma City (Oklahoma, United States)
Verification
View
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
All great advice. The only thing I would add is you might consider counseling given that 3-1/2 years has passed and you’re unable to move forward.
My first partner died of a heart attack and I crawled into a hole and vowed never to love again. I just celebrated my 7th wedding anniversary - we flew to NYC after it became legal, but I found a man who helped me deal with and get through the loss. I hope you’re as lucky as I was. I feel truly blessed to have been given this second chance.
Keep at it and don’t give up.
 

linniejr

Loved Member
Joined
Sep 25, 2016
Posts
351
Media
0
Likes
667
Points
138
Age
56
Location
Petersburg, Virginia (United States)
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Getting back on the horse is never easy, you have to re-saddle and get used to riding (no pun intended) again. No my last lover just as yours was in event cheating on me and I was the faithful one. I was more upset with the fact that I saw his abusiveness (all verbal) and did nothing because I was ashamed. And I allowed him to take away my self confidence. It hasn't been easy, but I am rebuilding my life and taking me back. Have I found anyone? no, that's my choice, but I'm happy. I too would suggest that if you don't have a support system, you should maybe see a counselor. But either way, don't loose you, find a greater you.