How to get back on the horse when you've been off for so long?

sim21

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I have posted this on the Gay mans forum as well but just thought maybe a few of the ladies may have experienced similar and have some advice too.

Hope this doesn't bore you and i don't go on too long but need some friendly advice because really don't have anyone i can ask personally,

Anyway here goes - i was with my partner for 26 years, we meet when i was 17 and i loved him very much, the sex ended after maybe 10 years as he was on anti-depressants and stopped be able or interested in sex, as i loved him it did not bother me, I never found sex in other places or cheated (truth), the no sex really did not bother me that much at the time (may sound strange, not sure). Anyway after 26 years my partner told me he was leaving me as he had found someone else, and since he left i pretty much found out for the whole 26 years he was having sex/relationships with other men and he told me he should have left a long time ago, which pretty much left me devastated as you can imagine, i had spent the last 16 years not having sex for a lie, for a person that was having sex elsewhere and having a life i knew nothing about.

So as he went on with his life with a new partner, a sex life ect, here i am 3 1/2 years later still on my own and seriously i am not sure what to do with the rest of my life at the grade old age of 47, nearly 20 years of not having sexual experiences or relationship, i do not know how to start again, how do i get back to having a relationship or even just having sex again - that may sound strange but i really do feel that as it has been so long that maybe that will never happen again, if only my ex-partner had, had the balls to leave years ago maybe i would have found it much easier to start again,but it has been so long, i am scared! apart from the whole relationship thing, just even having sex again scares me, it really does!

So anyway for this - 20 years no sex, overweight, very shy, unconfident guy, how the hell do i ever get back to having a sex life again let alone a relationship?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, wow can't believe i have done this.
Simon x

Ps Having read this over, before i post it i just wanted to point out that i am happy and not depressed or anything like that, i have my own business, a beautiful house and three beautiful dogs that are my babies, it is just is that enough for the rest of my life!

You can all breathe now. LOL
 

Tight_N_Juicy

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Sounds to me like your life became 100% yours in a way you can't appreciate because it wasn't something your weren't ready for or desired.

My advice: focus on You. Not on what life would be like if you weren't alone. You can meet people, you can enjoy new interests or old ones you never got around to experiencing. That tends to lead to meeting new people ;)

It's a simple, lacking of nuance answer... But I do think it is relevant with the limited information I have to work with.

I'm happy that you're doing well, and aren't in a bad place over this. Seems to me like everything is working itself out, and having this conversation is just part of the process.
 

LaFemme

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Be the person you’d want to date - whatever that means to you. Be interested and interesting, do things, see people, go out whenever invited, make conversation with random people - get to know yourself all over again. You may find you’re not as shy as you remember and with age have become more confident. Who cares what people think of you anymore? The good thing about being over 40 is that you’re too old for that shit! :grinning: ;)

I’m no expert in the sexually diverse community and its dating habits, but getting involved in things and staying busy can’t be bad advice for anyone. I really can’t advise you on uncommitted sex - it’s not my thing. Used to be, but as I get older, I just can’t be arsed to waste my time on that anymore.
 

EllieP

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Like LaFemme says, here's your chance to be who you really are; not what someone else wants you to be, and not being someone for someone else.

When I found myself divorced with a child I realized I could be anywhere I wanted to go. I wasn't tied down to one place or one situation. I went back to school first and then hit the road.

I'm not saying it's going to be easy. But it could be quite rewarding.

You're at a better stage in your life than I was. I was still quite impressionable and felt like people had expectations of me. The innocence or ignorance of youth.

If this were me today I don't know what I'd do, but I wouldn't stay here. I mean, I love my home and I love my husband. But I'm too established to try to fly. You might be too, and only you can evaluate an answer what to do.

The thing is, you'll never know what's possible until you take a step.