How to get her to be more open

averagejohnson

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Hey all,

While this is probably a constant thread that passes through the world of lpsg I have been curious on how to get my gf to open up a bit more sexually. She is very timid in terms of the bedroom while I am much more radical in this area, like I suppose most guys are. We have talked briefly about sex from time to time, have it on a very regular basis and it's great for both of us, in fact the best we have ever really had. Although at times I think we could always mix it up and add a little here and there. We sometimes watch porn together which is about as taboo as she gets.

Anyway, I want to bring her into a more exciting sex life together. We have talked about things like toys, dressing up, handcuffs, etc. but when we do she instantly gets shy or changes the subject completely and tells me she doesn't like to talk about this stuff.

I adore her and would love for her to come out of her sexual shell a little more and such.

There's a lot I wish she would do with me sexually, anal, toys, etc but she is like a pseudo prude. Sex is good but it's the same routine of, foreplay, me on top, her on top, she finishes, then i finish. She wont even touch her own clit!!!

I'm not saying I want to bring her into being the worlds next dominatrix. But I would love for her to get a little more wild.

Like I have a fantasy that I don't want to tell her because I don't want to scare her off but I feel like I'm goin to marry her sooner or later and she should know everything.
 

erratic

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Whoa, whoa, whoa...whoa. She won't even touch her own clit? That hurts, man. The poor woman.

It sounds like it's pretty scary for her to do a lot of this stuff, even though she's interested on some level. And of course she's interested; she's human. It just sounds like she has a few layers of hang-ups around her sexuality.

My advice for you would be to model the kind of person you'd like her to be. Be transparent about your desires, and that you'd like to play a but at the edges of your comfort zones, but that you don't want to take her farther than that. Because the more time she spends having fun at the edge of what's comfortable, the farther out that edge will get pushed - and that'll happen naturally, without you pushing or prodding, as long as it stays fun.

And you know, most people's sexual hang-ups have to do with embarrassment, guilt, and shame. The best way for you to lovingly, constructively challenge her embarrassment over her body and her sexuality is to, well, worship her. Pushing and prodding leads to resistance (that's just how we work as humans) so encourage her instead. When you guys are naked together, look her right in the eyes and tell her how beautiful she is. Tell her how much her body turns you on. When she puts her hand anywhere near her clit, tell her how hot you think it is. Tell her you love watching her touch herself. Tell her again and again and again, so that little voice in her head that tells her she should be embarrassed of herself is drowned out by yours telling her how beautiful she is, how hot her body is, and that she has the power to make both you and her feel amazing. And over time, she'll start hearing that voice coming from inside her, instead of just from you.

You may have to be very patient with her. There might be some kick-back from her embarrassment - it doesn't like to give up control. You may have to fight your own embarrassment about your body and your sexuality, but if you can encourage her to see even only a part of how beautiful you think she is, she'll open up all on her own.
 
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Guill

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Let her know that you make no judgements and encourage her to explore and reinforce any small advances positively. Alcohol might help a little bit to make her less embarassed to talk about it but no matter what she shouldn't feel forced or bad about it.
 

Kotchanski

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Have you maybe considered that this is exactly who she is and who she will always be?

You're saying a lot of the right things, talking about sex being good for both of you, not just focusing exclusively on yourself, but what you seem to be missing is that sexual shells don't all have the same limits. You appear to be under the illusion that because you feel these activities are fun, exciting and acceptable, that in time, she'll think the same, and she's just confined by her own shyness.

To a lot of people, crushing balls with heels is perfectly acceptable and very exciting, to others, as are pissing all over each other, shoving needles through nipples and a whole load of other things I won't bother listing. Does that mean that they the person they are with is going to find them appealing, or even remotely acceptable?

I'm not saying you're wrong, she may very well be in a self-imposed shell, and with support and someone who isn't pushing will go on to explore these things, but to assume this shell exists is only going to lead to problems for you.