How to get over a break up? (If only temporary)

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by NottsBound, Jan 4, 2012.

  1. NottsBound

    NottsBound Active Member

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    **I have a relationship issue and would like some advice of this lovely community, if you're not up for reading about some simple issues, please stop reading here! Thanks!***


    I just broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years after a nasty drunken argument. She is currently studying her masters while I am looking for work. We had an amazing relationship and we love each other a lot but after one very nasty argument she decided that she didn't need a boyfriend during her studies. I was very drunk and said a lot of nasty things I would not normally say, though she says she's past that.

    When I asked her if she could give it a try again, she promised me that she will try again in the future but after she's over come the stress of her studies.
    The argument we had was a one off, we are in a relatively long distance relationship due to her studies. We used to study at the same university before so we spent a lot of time together before studying her masters. We previously talked about getting married and moving in together etc.

    We met up afterwards and we had an amazing time together, it showed that the fire was still there and we are a great couple, however she still doesn't want a boyfriend. She has a lot of exams coming up so she is constantly working hard and studying, so she said she wants to focus on her career 100% without all the stress that a relationship brings.

    We still talk on the phone once a day to have a chat which lasts about 30minutes mimimum but it's about general things. The relationship talk makes her sick as she says she is not feeliing it. Normally when I text her, it takes her long to reply and when she does she only texts back a few words or something.

    I started off crying with suicidal thoughts but now I'm starting to feel better but the hurt seems like it's not gonna go away. I still anxiously wait for her text messages but it never happens, I usually call her at the end of the day and we talk.
    I truly beleive this is not the end of this chapter but I need to stop being hurt because my depression over this is pushing her away but I can't help but talk to her. I'm thinking about learning how to play an instrument or language. I tried to pick up new sports but it doesn't distract me at all.

    So my question to you lovely people is basically, how do I feel better about this break up? She promised she will give it a try again but it might be some time (maybe until she finishes studies). How can I stop the need to keep checking her facebook to see if shes onine or anxiously wait till she contacts me? What can I do to make her miss me the way I miss her? Or is it even worth waiting on her even though she promised me she'd give it a try?

    (I am currently unemployed but starting a course for career qualifications soon. So I have a lot of free time.)


    And by the way, I am not interested in going clubbing or meeting other girls. I'm certain we are meant to be together. Nothing makes me happier than to think of a future with her.
     
  2. Thirdlegproduction

    Thirdlegproduction Formerly WhiteMonst3r
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    Take her example, she's going for her goals.

    You have made your life completely dependable on her and now that she is not there your life has little meaning.

    I'd recommend realising you should be your own person with your own goals and needs and if people want to be part of that, that's great but don't go make people part of your life.

    Realising that would be the first thing to do.

    Other then that, go out with girls, you "know" you will end up with that one girl so it doesn't hurt to see or try different flavours to just keep you occupied.

    (Not to scare you, but in the worst case scenario that's what she is doing already)

    The other is finding activities to excell and grow in like you already have been doing.

    Last thing that I know that helps is reinventing yourself by changing something in your life like a new set of clothes a new haircut or take the time in redecorating your place.

    Just change/evolve from whatever you were before and with time you will find peace.
     
  3. vibrationzzz

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    Look for the positives. You are still able to talk. I'm afraid that is the only one. I am pretty sure you realise deep in yourself it is over, it's just that you are afraid to say it out loud to yourself. Concentrate on finding yourself work, get 'your' life back on track.

    Stop putting control of your life in her hands, she does not want it, she wants you to control your own life like she is doing with hers. Once you put yourself in a better place, being confident, positve and good about yourself, she may change her mind. Or, you may find another that wants you, or several. :)

    To fill in your free time, go and volunteer for the local salvos or something, start networking to explore new channels. Don't just rely on one avenue. One thing leads to another and another.

    But, it has to be a genuine effort. Besides, sounds like you have a lot of youth on your side. :)
     
  4. helgaleena

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    As a short term fix, I highly recommend long walks in all weathers. If you need to duck indoors and warm up, stick to half pints or weaker. And take a sketch pad or journal with you upon which to organize your thoughts and feelings.
     
  5. Charles Finn

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    yes take time to discover who you are and what you want enjoy the freedom you now have you have no one to answer to but god and yourself
     
  6. Gamm

    Gamm New Member

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    No matter what anyone says, it will have to take it's own course. Everyone is different when it comes to this part of life. I was in a very, very toxic marriage but I still wanted to be with her yet she could care less, even calling the police to try to get me to go away. Short and sweet of it, don't be with anyone who doesn't want you. Dad told me, make sure she loves you more than you love her. Wish I would have listened all those years ago. Be well and God bless.
     
  7. vibrationzzz

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    This too^^ you will probably find it's times in life like these you will find youself very creative in thought. Poetry is a good way to write things down.
     
  8. NottsBound

    NottsBound Active Member

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    Thanks for the response. Some pretty helpful things you have said.

    We always talked about our future together and I always thought it would be there for us.

    She dropped the cliche "it's not you, it's me line" after stressing that she is not interested in moving to someone else at all, so it appears the stress has overcome her.

    She knows we're great together, so promised me she would give it another try in the future...should this be something I think of to look on the bright side?

    What can I do to not lose her but not push her away? Should I stop the daily chats we have? We still talk good when we can but she shows very little interest in text messages. Rarely replies.
     
    #8 NottsBound, Jan 4, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2012
  9. Thirdlegproduction

    Thirdlegproduction Formerly WhiteMonst3r
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    I'm not in the habit of glorifying hollywood, but take a look at the movie "Limitless" It is a prime example of how to..


    For short term, alcohol is an answer but I wouldn't recommend it this early on.
     
  10. NottsBound

    NottsBound Active Member

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    that is good thinking...

    Hmm..I've decided to and informed her I'm not drinking alcohol ever again, it ruined the relationship and I don't want it to ruin anything else.
     
  11. helgaleena

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    oh now, don't be too drastic. You are pretty young for 'ever again'. But if you tell her you are cutting it out or way down, that is a good thing. Excellent idea.
     
  12. Thirdlegproduction

    Thirdlegproduction Formerly WhiteMonst3r
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    You are pushing her away by being needy and craving her attention all the time. I'd say limit your conversations to an "update" email once every week or so where you tell her about your progress and ask about hers and keep your feelings out of it for the time being.

    And if she wants more contact she will let you know, but you can not force her to want you by sending more messages so just stop doing that.

    Put love aside what is it you really have to offer her at this point?
    No money, no physical connection, no safety, and I bet no emotional support as all you talk about is how you want her back.

    This may be very cynical but the only way to get her to want you again is to increase your value to her.
     
  13. invisibleman

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    Notts...


    Leave her alone. THAT would be the most honest thing. And don't dare believe in a notion that she is going to be there for you down the line. That is the worst feeling to have hopes and later on you find out she is getting married to a guy or has a new boyfriend...and there you are not dating...holding out for her.


    Stop being friends. Stop going to the same places she goes to. Lose her number. Grieve the lost of the relationship. Get over her. Move on. When you are ready to date again...you do so. But do so when you are over that girl.


    The pain you feel is there. It is disappointment. *EVERYTIME YOU LET THAT GIRL IN YOUR LIFE THAT DISAPPOINTMENT WILL GET THE BEST OF YOU WHEN SHE LETS YOU DOWN AND BREAKS UP WITH YOU AGAIN.*
     
  14. uncutblond34

    uncutblond34 Member

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    :naughty: The best way to get OVER one person.... is to get UNDER a new one..LOL !
     
    #14 uncutblond34, Jan 4, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2012
  15. Thirdlegproduction

    Thirdlegproduction Formerly WhiteMonst3r
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    I'm no fortuneteller, but in my insight, one verbal outburst while drunk will not make women stop wanting you alltogether.

    I think she has had a lot of other issues already and your outburst just confirmed her doubts.

    She's probably not going to care at all for your "promise".
    And again you are putting your life in her hands by asking for her approval by giving her some promise she didn't ask of you to make.


    I can argue that being denied love is physicially the same as being a drug addict. A lot of the same chemical are involved.

    But only you decide if you are going to man up or be this desperate drug addict.
     
  16. NottsBound

    NottsBound Active Member

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    Thank you so much for your response guys. Especially WhiteMonst3r, it's helping me a lot.

    I will work to improve myself now, I did take her for granted and got a little lazy with myself.

    I'm willing to let go of it now but I know this shouldn't be the end. Our last meeting was a lot of fun. She promised that she will give it another try after she saw I am willing to improve and I'm not that mean guy...Would it be wise to pin my hopes on that promise?

    Also, how can I rid of this pain I constantly feel about losing her?
     
  17. D_Kitten_Kaboodle

    D_Kitten_Kaboodle Account Disabled

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    You have gotten some really good advice about finding yourself and getting "you" in a position for a positive relationship.

    Two things I'd like to emphasize:

    The drinking: You are a smart man. You know it ruined what you had. Turning to drink or drugs now would only show her that you did not learn from your lesson. You sound very mature, in that this one sentence, you've ID'd a big part of your problem. I commend you. Alcohol and drugs are only temporary fixes and not good ones, at that.


    The "stress" of a relationship and going to school: Stress (negative) is internal process when demands exceed capability. When you find your own things to do that do not involve her, and when you no longer become dependent on her for financial support....the stresses of a relationship should minimize. A good relationship should promote as much positive stress as negative (more actually.)

    Some of the negative stresses in a relationship revolve around financial issues, time demands (which can be reduced when you have your own job and own life away from her) responsibilities, dependency, and maturity/balance (ah yes, and of course, sexual issues.)

    If you want, you can google "negative stressors in a relationship" and find some interesting articles to help you (and her) understand what is happening.

    How do you help you/her?
    • Set some goals for yourself for self-improvement.
    • Tell her you understand that she is stressed.
    • Tell her you understand that part of that stress is b/c you have become totally dependent on her.
    • Then tell her your goals and that you want to keep her updated on how you are doing with them.
    • Let her know that you think of her often and that you love her. But you are going to give her space while you get yourself moving in a positive direction.
    • Tell her she can call you anytime (and you'd love to hear from her as often as she feels comfortable.)
    • Talking with her is good as long as the conversations are positive and as long as you don't sound "lost" or "needy". (That will just make the stress worse for her.)
    • There are no guarantees that you will not lose her... But if you do, remind yourself that you cannot control her (inasmuch as she cannot control you.) Love is best when you give space....and they chose to come back to you freely.
    • If you have to for your own sanity, stop getting on FaceBook.

    You sound like a smart guy (repeating myself) and from what I am reading, if I read this correct, this argument was out of the ordinary, not something that was regular or routine in your relationship.

    Good luck :smile:

    ETA: this must have taken me a long time to compose... WhiteMonster has said it all ... haha I agree with him ~
     
    #17 D_Kitten_Kaboodle, Jan 4, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2012
  18. Thirdlegproduction

    Thirdlegproduction Formerly WhiteMonst3r
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    The pain is grief like any other person you lose to death, but it's harder because she is still alive and talking to you.

    Face the pain endure it, savor it and then let go, easier said then done but being around friends, doing activities and keeping yourself busy helps dull the pain.

    I can recommend the long walks, or just running track as it releases endorfines and other chemicals that fight of depression.

    You lost a great asset in your life now find other assets to replace it.

    As for the promise it's nice but probably her way of saying I don't want you but I don't want you to be with someone else either. Girls can be weird like that.

    Her promise can help start you motivate yourself to become a better man but along the lines you should let go of that promise as it is an illusion, and see things for what they are and not as they could be and about a year from now you will be giving this advice to another guy who just lost his hopes and dreams of being with a girl.

    The pain remains but it changes shape like a deep gaping wound turning into an itchy rash.
     
  19. NottsBound

    NottsBound Active Member

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    Thank you ever so much FancyPants and WhiteMonst3r. What you have said is helpful to me and has done wonders to ease the pain. I will take into account what you all so and hopefully it will make me a better person as well as maybe convince her to come back.

    I have just deleted her number to help fight the urge to contact her...I hope this could lead to better things.

    I wish I could thank you more for the responses guys. I'll keep reading these responses in the future just to help me get by.

    Edit: I might just add, I was not financially dependant on her at all. I was always offering to help her out if needed. Our relationship didn't give much stress as I gave her the space needed for the studies.
     
    #19 NottsBound, Jan 4, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2012
  20. rayray

    rayray Active Member

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    Nottsbound..I am sorry you are hurting so much..You are both still very young and this is probably your first long term relationship.Working for a Masters Degree and youare not working sounds like the two of you had spent a long together and that one nasty drunken argument may have been the straw that broke the camels back as much as i hate to say(my opinion).What you have not mentioned is how often did you argue if any...How much do you drink ? If you drink normally but sensibly alcohol should not be an issue,,My question is do you drink to much ? I ask that because that's when she broke it off with you, while you were mean and drunk.Maybe she will be back but you cant hold on to a thread, stop your life until she finishes her studies. You say you talk to her about 30 minutes about things in general..Does it feel like she has taken the romance out of the conversation while you continue talking saying I love you ? If you have all these questions now and it's the beginning ? I say move on with your life, get out and be social. If you meet someone new that you really like you will be happy again. It will be hard for a while to get rid of the pain..Stop calling or texting her. If she still is invested in you she will call you..Suicidal thoughts are not a good thing..I feel that God gave you life. He wants to see what you make of it..Suicide can be a cowardly and selfish act,,Remember, your young there's a lot out their to see...Good luck!
     
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