How to get over someone...

Leche por mi cafe

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Breakups are never easy! Depending on the individual, getting over the breakup ordeal can take some lengthy time. It is not an enjoyable one but it is a natural process. The only thing that I ask is that you do not become bitter about the whole situation. what I mean by that is to not carry that bitterness/resentment to the next relationship. Like with everything else in life, breakups are a great tool to learn more about ourselves. You're going to catch yourself, being pissed off at him, missing him, trying to figure out what the fuck went wrong. But it isn't about you or him. It is about a relationship that just didn't work.
One day you'll meet someone that will rock your world again. Not like this last one though. Every relationship is obviously different. Good luck, keep your chin up high!
 

jason_els

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Breakups are never easy! Depending on the individual, getting over the breakup ordeal can take some lengthy time. It is not an enjoyable one but it is a natural process. The only thing that I ask is that you do not become bitter about the whole situation. what I mean by that is to not carry that bitterness/resentment to the next relationship. Like with everything else in life, breakups are a great tool to learn more about ourselves. You're going to catch yourself, being pissed off at him, missing him, trying to figure out what the fuck went wrong. But it isn't about you or him. It is about a relationship that just didn't work.
One day you'll meet someone that will rock your world again. Not like this last one though. Every relationship is obviously different. Good luck, keep your chin up high!

And it's also important not to carry that bitterness to your old relationship. Holding grudges against old flames just eats at you and does nothing. I know a lot of divorced people who hate their exes for years, sometimes decades, only to realize all that effort to stay indignant was too draining. I know a lot of people who parted bitterly only to come into contact with their exes years later and they find that it's so much better for both of them to let bygones be bygones and at least be cordial and forgiving. You might even find yourselves friends again.
 

jason_els

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Ok well use your analogy, how can I go from my dream car back to...a moped?

On a side note..has anyone heard of Creative Visualization?

Mopeds are fun in their own right. Few things I love more than scooting around Bermuda.

Yup. To get it to work though, you have to be willing to not bullshit yourself and make what you want to happen have a chance. Visualizing yourself is a millionaire is great if you're willing to go out and work at it rather than sitting at home and hoping. Lottery tickets don't count. Creative visualization is a relative of Enochian magic and I'm not thrilled with how most books trivialize the mental preparation necessary to get it to work.
 

HairyTXdude

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Mopeds are fun in their own right. Few things I love more than scooting around Bermuda.
:rolleyes: Mopeds suck, there like a ghetto motorcycle and even those are horrid

Yup. To get it to work though, you have to be willing to not bullshit yourself and make what you want to happen have a chance. Visualizing yourself is a millionaire is great if you're willing to go out and work at it rather than sitting at home and hoping. Lottery tickets don't count. Creative visualization is a relative of Enochian magic and I'm not thrilled with how most books trivialize the mental preparation necessary to get it to work.

The reason I mentioned it, was because several years ago i took a seminar/class on it and how it can improve our lives, during which we all had to make 2 lists, one of a our lives (what we wanted to accomplish) and another of our perfect mate (100 items that we wanted our perfect mate to have or posses) and we had to give the perfect mate list to them so it could be emailed to us at a later time, so we weren't looking for the perfect someone and since we weren't looking for perfect but we knew what perfect was to us, then we would find it....anywho I got the mate list in my email box last night.....this guy has/had all 100 items but one.....:indifferent:
 

killerb

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The reason I mentioned it, was because several years ago i took a seminar/class on it and how it can improve our lives, during which we all had to make 2 lists, one of a our lives (what we wanted to accomplish) and another of our perfect mate (100 items that we wanted our perfect mate to have or posses) and we had to give the perfect mate list to them so it could be emailed to us at a later time, so we weren't looking for the perfect someone and since we weren't looking for perfect but we knew what perfect was to us, then we would find it....anywho I got the mate list in my email box last night.....this guy has/had all 100 items but one.....:indifferent:

dude, it wouldn't matter if the guy has all 100 items and was perfect "ON PAPER"...

the fact is, IT IS OVER!!!

despite all of the advice you've been given in this thread, you seem to be adamant about somehow having a future with this guy.

you remind me of someone else here...
 

D_Bob_Crotchitch

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A lot of colleges have an on campus counseling system. See if your school has one that is available to students for free. If not, see if there is one in the community that does free work for students.
It is sad but it sounds like you are co-dependant. You can't save everybody, and destroying your own future is not the answer. If you can get free from co-dendency, you will find life to be so much happier. You won't be drawn to screwed up people that you think need rescuing.
At this point in your life, take care of your needs & future. Study hard, do well in school, make friends, and have some fun. You have plenty of time to search for the person with whom you want to spend your life.
 

killerb

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here's my last piece of advice for you:

avoid relationships...

just focus on yourself & your education...

go out & make friends...have some fun...but don't look for romance just yet...wait until you're ready...
 

Leche por mi cafe

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And it's also important not to carry that bitterness to your old relationship. Holding grudges against old flames just eats at you and does nothing. I know a lot of divorced people who hate their exes for years, sometimes decades, only to realize all that effort to stay indignant was too draining. I know a lot of people who parted bitterly only to come into contact with their exes years later and they find that it's so much better for both of them to let bygones be bygones and at least be cordial and forgiving. You might even find yourselves friends again.

Amen to that...living proof here to friends after breakup. In fact I think we're better friends now than before!
 

Idol

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HairyTX - you poor thing! You are clearly really struggling and having been there before myself - trust me you'll come out the other side and you'll be so glad of all the really tough lessons you've learned. And yes its really really really really, unbelievably difficult but you CAN move on! They say its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...so take whatever small amount of solace you can from that...You've got a lot of support here, also take solace in that! Trust us all - you'll be ok!

When i look back to a relationship i was in when i was a little older than 19 myself I was absolutly devasted, my man moved away and just dropped me and it hurt so much and broke my heart, and i struggled like you, i'm probably still not 100% over it now, it still hurts a little when i think about it and when i'm tired i cry and get upset about it but now I feel like a much more accomplished person and i'm so much more stronger than i was back then! You'll be fine, just plod away at it, do things that make you happy and someone else said it - your a good looking, young man - there is light at the end of the tunnel just keep going!

Good luck!
 

LittleDicky

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I usually lurk, but HairyTX (and I am saying this to be kind), you are doing the same thing in this thread that you did in the one where you were afraid you had an STD. You are your own worst enemy.

Everyone here is giving you sound advice, as they did in the other thread. For every positive thing someone tells you, you respond with negativity. You have a million excuses: You can't. You won't. You don't know how. You have no money. And, on and on and on..... Son, you're just STUCK, and you're going to remain STUCK until YOU do something about it.

It isn't easy. It's never easy. I've been STUCK myself (I'm old enough to be your grandfather), and you can bitch, moan, cry, ask for advice, BUT, it all boils down to YOUR doing something about it. In this case "The Relationship Fairy" (no pun intended) isn't going to show up at your door and solve all your problems for you. It'll never happen. It's all up to you. Even with GOD, you can pray and pray, but most of the time, you have to do something yourself. That's often HIS answer.

You say things about appearance and self-esteem. Look, a hundred people can tell you how wonderful you are, but YOU don't feel it and believe it, it all means nothing. It all starts with you. Don't look for other people to affirm you. Look inside yourself.


I agree with another poster that the wrong therapist can be a nightmare, but I also get the strong feeling that you have a tremendous number of phobias and self-esteem issues to work out. So, I'd advise you to find someone to talk to. If you have no money, there are FREE public health clinics. I've been there myself. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

You can vent here all you want, but when you ask for advice and then say you're "not sure you want to try to forget this person and try to move on," you are only defeating yourself and prolonging your pain. And, post after post, I see you on a downward spiral.

Please get help. Good Luck.
 

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Just an observation (but I will call it a very astute observation because I've been where you are) but you put a lot of focus on your ex and how you feel lonely without him. It's like your brain has so much space for thoughts (this is just an analogy so bear with me on this picture) and you have used 95% of your brain on your ex and why you are not over him. This is how you are directing your thinking.

If you want to stop thinking about your ex, well fairly simple, it means you have to stop thinking about your ex. But writing posts and talking about it is only activating it. I wouldn't be surprised if this thread is making you miss him more, because you keep on talking about it.

Following my picture analogy, you need to focus your thoughts on other things than your ex and how you miss him. It would be better to just daydream about another man, instead of complaining about the last one that dumped you, because when you daydream about someone that treats you well, you feel better and give off better vibes, than giving your attention to the belief that you are alone, because you were dumped.

This is a trick of the mind on how you choose to perceive reality.

But the fundamental rule to get over a breakup, and this has been said quite a bit on this thread, you have to move on, and think about something else. And it will eventually mean, closing this thread, because this thread is making you focus more on how much you miss him. The more you talk about your ex, then the more you continue to talk about it, and people will eventually get tired of hearing the same story from you.

However you have to do this in little 'baby' steps, thought by thought, feeling by feeling. You have been given excellent advice to distract yourself with your ex, like education, classes, a job, or other friends. Possibly even another boyfriend, but remember, wherever you left your last relationship (and it seems this feeling of dependence is active in your experience) it will manifest in your next relationship, until you deal with it now.

And the way to deal with it is to manage how you react to the trigger of being left alone. Everyone has different responses to breakups; some just move on after a few weeks of bitching, others continue to struggle for years. It all varies on the person and their past history on how they view relationships.

Some people grew up in families where they felt secure in relationships so they don't feel as needy when they encounter a romantic partner, and when they break up, they have that sense of security intact so they can move on. Others however may not be gifted with a good past history with a family that gave them a feeling of security, but regardless, it's how you react to the breakup that determines how you live your experience.

As I perused this thread, I've noticed there is a lot of glorification of your ex, from the feeling of powerlessness. Meaning he is all that, and not that you've lost him, you can't have that.

To be short and blunt, you ex is not your ticket to being whole. That is a misconception on your part, instead he is just a representation on how you react to your life experience. In your belief, you feel you need someone to validate you. And when you loose that someone, you loose your sense of identity.

If you listen to a lot of romantic songs, you'll notice many breakups go through a period of anger. In fact, that's normal for survival, but you'll also notice, that those who go through anger to clean up their feelings about their ex, eventually get through it where their anger moved to feelings of hopefullness, and then eventually to appreciation for where they are right now.

It seems to me there is no anger about being dumped from you. Instead it's just this feeling of powerlessness that your ex dumped you. If your feeling powerlessness, the next best feeling is anger and revenge. And I would recommend you stay there until you can get to higher feeling of frustration and hope.

I've been where you are now. And over a period of time, I got angry, bitched, but only to the point to feel better. I never called my ex and explained my reasons for my bitching, and he never had to hear me whine. As much as it hurt to say it then, he has his own life, and I had to respect where he was. And he has a right to live his life without me.

But when I went through the anger and reached for higher feelings, like revenge, I eventually moved to frustration and to hope. I kept on reaching for better feeling thoughts and in time, I cleaned out my emotions about how I viewed my relationship with other men. And I can tell you now, I don't feel as needy as I once did in a relationship, and I can thank my ex for forcing me to face that part of my neediness which he activated when we separated.

Your work is not to change your ex, but to change your relationship with you on how you choose to view life with how you think. And you can do this by changing the direction of how you think, by finding ways to feel better about your ex.
 
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LeeEJ

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Ok well use your analogy, how can I go from my dream car back to...a moped?

Why a moped? Why not a different car that's more practical? Why, for that matter, even bother considering yet another motor vehicle?

Why did you go straight to something that you think sucks?

Getting over my ex was easy -- she finally realized that she was gay. Hell, for me, getting over anyone is easy. I step away for a while so I can remember all the stuff I couldn't stand about them.

There's better options for your daily life than either your dream car or a moped. You can't have your dream car. Shop around.
 

HairyTXdude

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Why a moped? Why not a different car that's more practical? Why, for that matter, even bother considering yet another motor vehicle?

Why did you go straight to something that you think sucks?

Getting over my ex was easy -- she finally realized that she was gay. Hell, for me, getting over anyone is easy. I step away for a while so I can remember all the stuff I couldn't stand about them.

There's better options for your daily life than either your dream car or a moped. You can't have your dream car. Shop around.

lol :rolleyes: the object of the moped analogy was basically "how can you go from something, prefect to something that pails in comparison even to the norm?"
 

LeeEJ

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lol :rolleyes: the object of the moped analogy was basically "how can you go from something, prefect to something that pails in comparison even to the norm?"

So you're going from something that you've built into your perfect fantasy to something else that you've never gotten past a first or second impression of?

Seriously, just get over him. Get out of the house and go around town. Maybe you'll be like I was when my ex became "my ex" and your eyes will open up again.

When she and I were still a couple, I'd see other women -- fairly hot sometimes, too -- and think, "They're not her, they're not as good." Within a couple days of being unattached again, I looked around and thought, "DAMN... there are a lot of hot women around here!"

What I'm saying is, you're moping. You're pulling some emo crap whether you know it or not. You're blinding yourself in your sorrow. Get up, dust yourself off, and stop caring about what you can't have.
 

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Take a page from Scarlett O'Hara.... tomorrow is another day. You didn't fuck it all up, but you didn't help your chances any. I say making yourself scarce is a good idea. Retrench, recoup, retire, retread. At this point you don't have anything to lose. Focus on your needs, working out, finishing school, getting ready to move, and everything else. Try on a new haircut, maybe some new clothes. Go out and have a good time with friends. He's not going to disappear anytime soon and George Herbert was right, living well is the best revenge. Have some dates.

If you want to be unattractive, being depressed and down on yourself is the best way to do it. You've got to get some happiness into your life so that the next time this guy sees you, you look and feel like a million bucks; so that any guy who sees you thinks you're hot, fun, and someone they want to know. It doesn't matter if you're trying to get back the old guy or find another, you have to put yourself first by taking care of your own emotional needs.

Theres your advice!!