How to get through to a guy that's shy on a whole new level...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by IntoxicatingToxin, Aug 29, 2009.

  1. IntoxicatingToxin

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    *Names changed to protect the innocent.

    There's this guy I like, Michael*. I don't know him very well, but he's the brother of a friend of a friend. Following me so far? :tongue: I first met him several years ago, maybe 5 years? I only see him once a year approximately, at my friends house when she has BBQ's 'n stuff. I always knew he was pretty shy, but I didn't realize until very recently just HOW shy he is. But we'll get to that later. When I see him, we communicate alright. We listen to the same type of music and are both WoW addicts, so we always have something to talk about. But I don't really know *him* at all. Not in a personal way by any means. Anyway, every time I see him, it's like my feelings for him grow a bit.

    On Memorial Day of this year, my friend Holly* threw a BBQ like she always does, and he was there. And that was the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. I'd finally had enough of crushing on this guy and decided to do something about it. I asked his sister, Mary* if he had a Facebook or MySpace page I could contact him on, and she told me to check out his Facebook. So he and I became Facebook buddies. I'd occasionally comment on his statuses or his pictures, and he'd comment back... but still no real conversation. About a month ago, I got a WoW account again and messaged him to ask him what server he played on. He gave me his server and character names so I could reach him in-game. I thought, FINALLY! I can get to know this guy a little bit! Boy, was I wrong...

    He's incredibly uncommunicative in-game. I'll say hi and he answers, I'll ask him how his day was and he answers, and that's generally the end of the conversation unless I want to ask him 20 questions only to receive 2-3 word responses. He never instigates conversation, and he never elaborates on anything. I wasn't sure if I annoyed him, or if he's just that way. Michael's brother Jack and Jack's girlfriend Maggie* play on the same server, and Michael gave me their contact information as well. So I started talking with Jack since Michael gave me little social stimulation, and found out that Jack is hugely social. (I've only met him once, and it was at the Memorial Day BBQ.) So Jack and I talk all the freakn time. It's great. A couple days ago, I broke down and told him that I had a crush on his brother. He was in a bit of shock, and this is what I've found out...

    Michael is 28 years old, single, and a virgin. He's never had a girlfriend, and Jack isn't even sure if he's ever kissed a girl before. So I ask Jack some tips on getting involved with his brother more, and all he advises me to do is ask him to a movie, because that's Michael's big thing. He said I should ask him to go see Inglorious Basterds. So last night, I messaged Michael on Facebook to see if he wanted to go see it with me. This evening, when I logged in, he still hadn't responded. I later saw him on WoW and asked if he'd checked his Facebook, he said he hadn't. So I asked him if he wanted to go see Inglorious Basterds, or if he's already seen it, and he said he hasn't seen it yet but he wants to, but that he's waiting to go see it. I asked him what he was waiting for, and he said that he and his little brother (Jack) were going to go see it on Sunday afternoon.

    Question 1: Why would Jack tell me to ask Michael to this SPECIFIC movie if he'd already had plans to go with him?

    Question 2: Could Michael REALLY be so shy that he couldn't even just say no to me, and that he wasn't interested?

    So now I don't know what to do. I talked to Maggie online tonight as well, and she basically said that Michael takes shyness to a whole new level, and he's not comfortable being one-on-one with people he doesn't know. He's more comfortable in groups and when there are people in that group that he personally knows. She said what I should have done was ask if I could tag along to the movie with the two of them, because he'd be more comfortable with his brother there. I hadn't thought of that, but even if I had, I probably wouldn't have asked anyway. I wouldn't want to impose!

    I mean, maybe Michael doesn't even like me and he's just trying to let me down easy. I had half a mind to message him on Facebook and just tell him how I feel, but Maggie said that would be a sure-fire way to run him off... which is the last thing in the world I want to do.

    So! Advice? Ideas? How do I get into his world without scaring him away? Or is there even a way to do that? I really really like this guy, and he's super amazing in so many ways. I can't let him pass me up this easily. I have to try, but I don't want to scare him away either. Any suggestions would be appreciated. :smile:
     
  2. SpeedoGuy

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    If he's really as inexperienced with relationships as you described, then I think its reasonable to conclude he really is that shy and just doesn't know how to respond to your advances, yea or nay.

    I'd also offer that he may not be aware of your interest, incredible as that may sound. Perhaps its in the difference in the way men and women communicate but my experience has been that guys are quite often deaf and blind to what women consider the glaringly obvious expressions of interest. He just may not be receiving the message you are sending.

    I suggest persistence and patience.

    Good luck, TMM
     
  3. StraightDave

    StraightDave New Member

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    "Question 1: Why would Jack tell me to ask Michael to this SPECIFIC movie if he'd already had plans to go with him?"

    Jack probably figured Michael would have no problem changing the plans up. I know if I made plans to see a movie with my bro or a friend, and some hot chick told me she wanted to see the same movie with me, I'd be immediately calling my bro/friend up and letting them know I had to go ho's before bros on em. I know they would do the same. Also, it's possible the two actually had no plans, but Michael made this up as an excuse to get out of what would be an extremely stressful situation for him. And first dates usually are pretty stressful for even highly socially outgoing people, imagine the trepidation a guy like Michael would be feelin.

    "Question 2: Could Michael REALLY be so shy that he couldn't even just say no to me, and that he wasn't interested?"

    Yep, absolutely. If he IS interested in you, why would he say no? He wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea. For a super shy person, it often is better just to lie or flat out not respond, rather then to risk making the other person feel that he isn't interested/doesn't like you. He may have wanted to see the movie with you, but was too freaked out by the whole thing to agree to it. What's a shy guy to do?

    My advice, engage him at one of these bbqs. Maybe ask his sis/bro or this friend to have another getogether/cookout for the sole purpose of setting you two up. I assume you asked for his facebook/myspace earlier cuz you figured communicating online would be far easier for someone so shy, which has turned out not to be the case. Your one chance probably will be to hang out with him among this group of folks he's comfortable with.

    What about a double date with Jack/Maggy and you/Michael? You all four seem to have similar interest, well WoW at least. The two of them could invite him to a movie, arrange to pick him up at his place, they show up, he opens door to get in car and what do you know, YOU'RE sittin there!!!

    SURPRISE DOUBLE DATE THE SHY STUD!!!!!!

    Bingo bango, couple months later two soulmates have fallen in love. How beautiful. And you'd owe it all to me. Let me know how it turns out, be good for my ego.

    Dammit I'm awesome.

    BTW, take it slow. Real easy to freak out a shy, inexperienced dude like that. He'll need to get comfortable with you as a friend first prob.
     
    #3 StraightDave, Aug 29, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2009
  4. Himura

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    YES! I was going to say why not you Maggie, Jack, and and Michael all go! haha

    So is Michael really cute? :)
     
  5. blg3floor3

    blg3floor3 New Member

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    Sounds pretty classically introverted, seemingly pretty shy along with it. I wouldn't take the lack of involved responses personally (especially in-game! when I played EQ2, I just wanted to play, not chat!). It's a typical trait of those of us who just aren't wired to desire or care about socializing.

    Sounds a lot like the girl I'm talking to right now. We can talk for hours when we get the chance, but I feel like I still don't really know her. :tongue: Strange how that works.

    Like I was going to say, but someone else already said, he probably said it because he didn't mind not going and had no problem with Michael seeing the movie with you instead. Maybe Jack doesn't want to see it as much as Michael and was just going because Michael wanted to, and for the whole "doing stuff with your brother" thing. It's very real, plausible, and possible. I wouldn't read too much into it being an attempt at sabotage or misdirection. It's probably just a "he wants to see this movie, so why don't you go see it with him instead?" Michael may not be entirely aware of this social phenomenon.

    YES. Highly possible. Paradoxically, despite being so keenly disinterested in socializing with people, highly introverted people are often pretty sensitive to the feelings of others. IF he's disinterested (and I say IF because I've got no idea), he'd probably never say it directly because he either wouldn't want to piss you off or make you sad/disappointed and make future social interactions awkward.

    But that's assuming he's disinterested. He very realistically could be interested, all things considered.

    Absolutely, that would likely scare him off. With personality types like this, I really don't know if there's a middle ground, and I speak from personal experience. Too subtle, and they won't even notice. Too direct and it'll scare them off and/or make them highly uncomfortable. There doesn't really seem to be a happy medium. Digital, with two steps; not analog with infinite steps. If you do find a comfortable, secure middle ground (from the perspective of the shy, antisocial introvert), do let me know!

    EXACTLY. The whole "I was being subtle" thing girls have a habit of doing is really annoying. As SG says, it's glaringly obvious to the woman, but completely invisible to the man.

    How the hell did you ever expect me to figure out that your hand being on your leg instead of in your lap meant it was okay to hold hands and that you wanted to? WTF?

    That last bit was an example of annoying, invisible subtlety and a rhetorical question aimed at an ex-girlfriend.
     
  6. B_aussie8in

    B_aussie8in New Member

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    maybe he is the type of guy that is asexual and not interested in sex.
     
  7. IntoxicatingToxin

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    You guys are awesome! So much to respond to...

    Yes, his brother told me that he used to be just as shy as Michael, and he was the same way about not knowing how to respond to advances made towards him, but he also said that often times he didn't even realize they were happening.

    Definitely a possibility. I've tried showing interest by just being "involved", I guess... not sure if that's the right word. I respond to just about every status update he posts on Facebook, and I commented on one of his pictures about how great his hair is. :tongue: And of course his response was just that his hair isn't really all that great, and he always has to wear a baseball cap because he can't keep it in order. lol. (He's hispanic, and has really thick black wavy hair. Freakn love it.)

    That's exactly what I was thinking. When I told Maggie that Michael had turned me down for a date because he was going with his brother, she laughed and said, "I didn't know that!" So I told her that I thought Michael could've been lying to me to get out of it, she said, "Well he and Jack make plans all the time that I don't know about, so who knows." I still haven't had an opportunity to ask Jack about this. Actually, I'm going to log into WoW now to see if Jack is online...

    Yeah, I'm guessing he said no either because he was too shy to say yes, or because he's not interested and didn't want to hurt my feelings. OR, he IS interested but is too scared/shy to agree to it. I could try the BBQ thing again, only problem being that he doesn't go to every single one so there's no guarantee he'd show up anyway. Not to mention, my friend that loves to throw BBQ's is insanely busy with school and stuff, as am I. Not sure we'd have the time.

    HA! Michael would probably shat himself. :tongue: Might be worth a shot though, we'll see. Maybe the four of us can go see a movie together or something. :smile:

    Well. I think he is, but I'm more concerned with faces. I could care less about their bodies. He's got a cute face. Light-skinned hispanic, brown eyes, nice smile, good teeth, thick black wavy hair... but he is fairly overweight. From what his brother says, it's caused him some insecurity issues.

    Yeah, that's true as well. Maggie told me that he's often watching movies and stuff while he plays, and that he's just as anti-social to her in-game as well.

    I hate when that happens! lol

    I suppose, but I really don't think Jack would've done that. I dunno.

    Who said anything about sex? I just want to get to know him better...

    SO! I had more responses that I was going to reply to, but I just spoke with Jack... apparently he and Michael never had plans to go see that movie. So he was either lying to keep me from feeling bad, or lying to get himself out of the situation. :frown1:
     
  8. GBF64

    GBF64 Well-Known Member

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    After reading this I think it's highly likely that this guy has Asperger's Syndrome. The description of this guy high lights a lot of the traits of high functioning autism.
     
  9. IntoxicatingToxin

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    I've been wondering that myself, to be honest.
     
  10. D_Percival Puddleford Pukehorn

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    don't read too much into it. I mean it could be a possibility that yeah he may suffer from autism but perhaps not!

    I'm sure you could find that out on your own by asking those close to him as they may know already and if they do, perhaps they should've told you already.

    I'd say take it step by step. If you get desperate try something a little more direct and if that doesn't work then just let it be. Who knows, perhaps he's one of those that loves the attention and when he sees that you've stopped, he'll react and ask YOU out! My friend always did say that the best thing to do sometimes is to play hard to get! ;)
     
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