Gillette
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How to graciously say NO GET LOST!
- Thread starter earllogjam
- Start date
jeff black
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Response:
How do you know we aren't compatible? You haven't given us a chance. I am sure we could grow to love each other if you just let us try. Please baby, don't crush this budding flower just because you haven't given us enough thought.
I've tried a few, and you should hear the responses I get when I say things like Gillette said.:biggrin1:
Gillette
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The way I see it is that if they try to argue with your feelings then they have just proven they don't respect your intuition thereby giving you a more concrete reason to say, "No, and that's final".
If you say, "I don't think we're compatible." then they have room to argue it. Change your mind. But feelings are feelings and they aren't up for debate.
If you say, "I don't think we're compatible." then they have room to argue it. Change your mind. But feelings are feelings and they aren't up for debate.
invisibleman
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Jeff, I was going to say the exact thing.
Could that be a possibility that people look at each other in the wrong way? I know a lot of people reject each other on the basis of some superficial things, too.
But, I don't mind the rejections based on those superficial things. I let them do that. (Whew!)
Thus the ultimate response should be "I'm sorry but I am just not attracted to you" How can you argue with that?
Gillette
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Ultimate, for sure, but I think the word attraction is automatically associated with physical attraction instead of simply "drawn to" for any other reason, that it can be more easily be construed as a put down rather than a let down.
A lack of compatibility allows both parties their own perfection without being perfect for each other.
Being persistent, but polite is one thing. Being a boorish jerk trying to bully a woman (or man) into something she (or he) doesn't want is another. It is possible to win someone over to your side, but when the other person says, "No.", and means it, it's time to back off.
Oh, and congratulations to your Sister and Brother-in-law. Three kids is nothing to sneeze at.
Gillette
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I too try to take the more diplomatic, but honest approach when turning someone down. Unfortunately I've had to be a bit firmer with some. In my opinion, if someone pushes me to that point, then it was their choice to get upset. Anyone who can't take NO for an answer and then is unhappy when the other person rebuffs them for it... Deserves to be unhappy. They made their bed.
Oh, and thank you and Cigarbabe for your compliments on the photo of my partner and me. It was very nice of you.
I have four nieces, two nephews, two grand nieces, and four grand nephews. I've seen them when they've all been sick with colds. It's not a pretty site.
Several issues are being discussed here, and it's interesting to see some of the various takes on them.
Responding strictly to the title of the thread, well, it's an oxymoron. No can be a gracious response. Get lost cannot.
My take on it is, be honest. A simple "no, thank you" with or without an explanatory phrase is best.
No, thank you.
No thank you, Carol, I'm gay.
No thank you, Jim, I'm straight.
No thank you, I'm happy in my current relationship.
Nothing wrong with any of the above; simple, honest, compassionate, and to the point. Not really any need to tell the person you don't find them attractive. It serves no purpose.
If they persist, one way to handle it is to say "I'm not sure what you missed the first time. I was not playing a mating game, I am not interested." If they don't get it the first time around, then you have less responsibility to be civil. You should not be held to more responsibility for their feelings than they have for your feelings.
Of course, when I was in those "awkward teen years," the girls were expected to say no at least once or twice, even if they were interested, and the guy was expected to persist if he wanted a date. Truly that's some fucked-up sociology, but that's just the way it was. One young lady who was a good friend of mine all through school commented to me "Stuart asked me out, and I said no, but he never asked again. I really want to go out with him." I asked her why she said no, and she told me "nice girls don't say yes the first time." So, after 5 or 6 years of this kind of conditioning, then the guys in college are suddenly supposed to know when "no means no" and when "no means yes."
Responding strictly to the title of the thread, well, it's an oxymoron. No can be a gracious response. Get lost cannot.
My take on it is, be honest. A simple "no, thank you" with or without an explanatory phrase is best.
No, thank you.
No thank you, Carol, I'm gay.
No thank you, Jim, I'm straight.
No thank you, I'm happy in my current relationship.
Nothing wrong with any of the above; simple, honest, compassionate, and to the point. Not really any need to tell the person you don't find them attractive. It serves no purpose.
If they persist, one way to handle it is to say "I'm not sure what you missed the first time. I was not playing a mating game, I am not interested." If they don't get it the first time around, then you have less responsibility to be civil. You should not be held to more responsibility for their feelings than they have for your feelings.
Of course, when I was in those "awkward teen years," the girls were expected to say no at least once or twice, even if they were interested, and the guy was expected to persist if he wanted a date. Truly that's some fucked-up sociology, but that's just the way it was. One young lady who was a good friend of mine all through school commented to me "Stuart asked me out, and I said no, but he never asked again. I really want to go out with him." I asked her why she said no, and she told me "nice girls don't say yes the first time." So, after 5 or 6 years of this kind of conditioning, then the guys in college are suddenly supposed to know when "no means no" and when "no means yes."
Naughty, I still don't think that "I don't find you attractive" should be a first-line rejection. It would be more appropriate if someone was actually stupid enough to say "but WHY won't you go out with me?" That falls into line with one of my favorite sayings, "don't ask questions for which you really don't want to know the answer."
DC I just mentioned that I would not necessarily use that one myself. I try to think how I would feel if it happened to me. I have had people rant and rave but I tend to just try to stay positive and honest without being cruel.
just be honest but not cruel! I'm sorry I am not interested/looking at this time should work. Ignoring people is just cruel. I have been on the receiving end too much and it hurts. If people would just be honest about their feelings it wouldn't be so damn complicated!
You can't always be positive AND honest Naughty. If you don't like somebody you don't like somebody. You can sugar coat it all you want, but at the end of the day "sugar coat" is just a sugar coated way of saying "being dishonest."
If you think someone is fat or ugly and you tell them that you're just not looking for a boyfriend right now, that's not being positive, that's lying. I'm not arguing that telling them that they are fat or ugly is necessarily the better way to go, for most people it probably isn't, but call me weird- I would actually much prefer the honest response.
Still, any response at all would be preferable to being led on and/or being ignored. I just hate that.
If you think someone is fat or ugly and you tell them that you're just not looking for a boyfriend right now, that's not being positive, that's lying. I'm not arguing that telling them that they are fat or ugly is necessarily the better way to go, for most people it probably isn't, but call me weird- I would actually much prefer the honest response.
Still, any response at all would be preferable to being led on and/or being ignored. I just hate that.
Which I why, in that situation, I prefer to simply say "no, thank you." It's quite honest, and it's neither "sugar-coating" nor being positive nor negative - just to the point, and keeping it from reflecting upon the person being turned down. You and I have a lot in common, Ryan, as I think we both discovered the couple of times we were hanging out together. I also would prefer someone to be honest with me. You can be honest without being insulting, right?
Well said Gillette!! I totally agree with your statement. People should always be respectful to each other.
Well, I guess I will continue to stay in the house :biggrin1: YOU can be honest and positive. It depends upon how well one knows the person. I had an occasion where a friend from college called me out of the blue and we started becoming reaccquainted. I still saw him as my friend but my mother let me know that he wasnt seeing me that way. We did a number of things together until all of a sudden one day he blurted out that he saw this going the distance and other things that sounded suspiciously like a proposal. What he didnt realize was that at the time I had been dating someone else for quite a while. When I tried to tell him that I was basically shocked by his comment and that I needed to think about where he wanted to go he got very upset and started screaming at me. He said he already had enough friends and after a good rant slammed the phone down on me. I let him get all of his anger out because I realized that he probably was feeling disappointed but his response let me know that I definitely was not wrong in not feeling about him as he was for me. I tend to let people have a moment to express themselves, thank them for the good time or times we have had and then allow them to decide if they want to be friends or not. So I said all that to say, Yes you can be positive and honest. However, you may have no control over the response.
