How to keep from becoming HIV+?

Discussion in 'The Healthy Penis' started by Cale2, Aug 9, 2007.

  1. Cale2

    Cale2 New Member

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    Hey, a few of you might remember me as that closeted dork who refused to come out of the closet.

    Well, I've been out for some time now, and I'm definitely enjoying myself. I've fooled around with a few guys, and recently I've started thinking about having anal sex.

    But...it worries me a lot!!

    I mean, I know condoms are supposed to be 99% effective, but does that mean I can just go willy-nilly with any random guy I meet at the bar so long as I have a (non-expired) condom with me?

    A few nights ago I met a nice guy at a club and we ended up fooling around in a hotel room. At one point, he started spitting into his hands and lubing me up to get me ready for some penetration. I told him, "No, no, no" mostly because I didn't think I was ready to go that far with him, but it also kind of shocked me that he was so willing to go bareback with me, a guy he just met mere hours earlier.

    What worries me is that at some point I might find myself in a stable relationship with someone and I *will* want to go bareback. And then what? Even if we both go in at some point for STD testing, he could still cheat on me behind my back and I would be none the wiser.

    How do gay men deal with this dilemma? What can I do to maintain a healthy sexual relationship with my partners?
     
  2. goldeneye

    goldeneye Member

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    Good question. Something I've been wondering about as I begin to meet guys I'd like to bring home...
     
  3. B_dxjnorto

    B_dxjnorto New Member

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    Get to know them?
     
  4. Cale2

    Cale2 New Member

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    Oh sure, of course. But what I'd hate to happen is think I know someone and then find out in the worst possible way that I really didn't know him.
     
  5. DC_DEEP

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    Good point, dxj.

    Cale2, that's only the first step. As soon as some random guy, with whom you are about to have sex, suggests (or implies) barebacking, you shouldn't say "not without a condom," you should say "no thanks, it's been fun, I'll call you."

    By saying "get to know them", I don't think dxj meant you need to be a serial monogamist, I think he meant it's not really the safest thing to pick up a new guy several times a week and have sex with him.

    In addition to "get to know him," and "always use a condom," there are other ways to minimize your risks. Sex is NEVER a "no-risk" activity, whether you are gay or straight or bisexual. The key is to minimize those risks as much as you can... and be prepared to face the consequences of your actions.

    Do some research, don't trust any one single source. I would recommend that you start with the website for the Centers for Disease Control, then find some others. When in doubt about any activity, err on the side of caution.
     
  6. Cale2

    Cale2 New Member

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    Are you saying I should be completely avoiding people who invite unsafe sex?
     
  7. DiegoID

    DiegoID New Member

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    Safe sex is the #1 thing to remember, but also don't give it up on the 1st date. My best advice is not to attempt to have sex after the bar or when you are drunk. Being intoxicated has an adverse effect on condom use, especially when it's some random hook-up. People tend to make the right decisions when they are clear headed, and if the guy is into barebacking.. I would just pass on the guy. (If he doesn't have an STD yet, he'll probably have one soon).

    You want your first time as a bottom to be slow and loving, not some drunken rutting in the dark. Personally when I was starting out in the gay world, I went out on dates. Real dates where you talk and get to know each other. Then you can decide if you want to be sexual with the guy. I'm sure you will find some hot guys that are ready to go, but making them wait for it can actually be in your best interest. It builds anticipation and sexual tension, making the sex all that much better.

    Just remember you have your whole life ahead of you to have sex. Don't go ruining your health with risky behavior.
     
  8. DC_DEEP

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    Yes. Absolutely. Without qualification. Regardless of what he tells you, he has tried (and most likely succeeded) to get others to have unprotected sex. And if that's the case, he is much more likely to (1) have diseases and (2) avoid testing and (3) lie to you. Face it - if you are doing hookups, it's better to hook up with someone who respects you and your health, as well as his own.

    Well said.
     
  9. Bbucko

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    That's not such a bad idea.

    I've lived with HIV virtually all of my adult life (I'm now 47, so do the math).

    Condoms are the most effective method for preventing HIV transmission, but need to be used correctly. Failures occur when they are expired, are put on incorrectly or when not enough water-soluble lube has been used. The lube, BTW, is the most important element, as it reduces friction and the possibility of tearing. It's expensive, but you might consider trying a silicone-based lube like Eros if you find that conventional lubes dry out too quickly.

    As to relationships: Communication and trust are the foundation of any durable, long-term commitment. Deciding to forego condoms is a huge commitment and requires absolute fidelity in order to avoid HIV. This means taking your needs into account as much as his, and spelling everything out completely. If you suspect that someone is incapable of monogamy, then avoid unprotected sex with him.

    Everyone has differing opinions regarding how long to wait before broaching the topic. If it's a hook-up, I wouldn't discuss anything except how to get each other off. But after several months of dating, you might feel it's time to bring everything to a new level. At that point (presuming your partner aggrees with you completely), get tested together. The window period for incubation is 13 weeks. This means that a bare minimum of three months need to have passed since the last time either of you had unprotected sex with someone else before you can be considered conclusively negative.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd be looking at a 12-18 month exclusive commitment before approaching anybody about this, but we're all different. The only thing I'll say is that one only remains negative by strict viligence and compliance with safer sex practices. Any slip is a possible chance for infection.

    Safer sex includes mastrubation, frot, kissing and (somewhat controversially) oral sex. Watersports are safe as urine is sterile. Role play is a great way to sexualize situations and keep your head buzzing, as is porn.

    Any anal sex needs to be covered. If your partner(s) are uncomfortable with using condoms (and you want them to fuck you anyway), you might consider using a female condom. I have tried them in the past and liked being able to fuck without all that disruption, and considered the insertion to be part of assplay.

    I have been a proud member of AIDSmeds.com for over two years. IMHO they offer the best, most current, most sex-positive information about HIV available anywhere.

    Good luck with this issue. remember, neither HIV nor safer sex is for sissies :biggrin1:
     
  10. Cale2

    Cale2 New Member

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    Thanks all for your words of wisdom. I guess I need to reevaluate some of my own priorities.

    I'd like to talk more about this guy and that night we spent together, but I don't want to go too far off-topic, as much as it may be intertwined with this STD discussion. I'll start a new thread...stand by....
     
  11. steeler_999

    steeler_999 Member

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    Totally monagamous relationships are very rare among gay men. So basically your realistic choices are always pracice safe sex, or else plan on becoming HIV+ and having some very expensive health care bills.

    There is a rationale for the second altenative which goes - you've got to die of something sometime, so you may as well die of something you enjoy.
     
  12. lvsxy808

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    ^^^ And that second rationale is exactly what's responsible for the skyrocketing HIV rates. So it is not a good one. Just to be clear.
     
  13. DC_DEEP

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    I wasn't going to comment on it, but since you did...

    Do you mean enjoying dying of HIV and AIDS, or do you mean enjoying dying of having sex?

    I think I understood, but it wasn't worded well.

    If you mean "you may as well die of AIDS, if you catch it having sex" that's really a bad rationale.
     
  14. Bbucko

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    This is utter bullshit.

    If monogamy is the most important part of a relationship for you, then wait until you find someone who agrees with your opinion on the subject.

    And, to state the exceedingly obvious: gay sex does not cause HIV. Having unprotected sex with someone who is HIV+ can lead to transmission of the virus. And the vast majority of gay men around the world remains negative. The pool of potential beaux is vast...there's no need to settle, especially on something so important.
     
  15. Principessa

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    AbsoFUCKinglutely!
    I'm straight and I have been refusing to sleep with men who want to bareback for over 20 years. If they get upset, when you say "no way" or offer up a condom that's your sign to get out of there pronto.


    Dude, that happens even to hetero's. I have no problem asking a guy if he's been recently tested. If he says no, then I say well let's go do it together then. If they say yes, I ask to see the results. I don't just take their word for it. I know you are probably thinking that girl is a complete whackjob. That may well be true, :redface: but I've never had an STD. :smile:
     
  16. Principessa

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    Oh good, I'm glad you are still up and got this idiot.
     
  17. Bbucko

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    Anything for you, baby :biggrin1:
     
  18. SpoiledPrincess

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    Wise move nj, a fuck isn't worth dying for.
     
  19. simcha

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    Why is it that people have become so complacent about HIV? It just boggles my mind. I guess that being the age I am and coming up as the virus was discovered has made me more appreciative of the real risk out there. It seems that the twenty-somethings and younger are more blasé about safer sex. I just don't get it, and I don't want to.

    That being said, use a condom for insertive and receptive anal sex. If you choose to fist or use your fingers, latex gloves are ideal if you have any doubts about the integrity of the skin on your hands. Get tested regularly (like every 6 months) if you are sexually active. Make sure to get tested for the entire battery of STDs like the various forms of Hepatitis, Syphilis, Chlamydia, Gonorhea, Human Papilloma Viruses, Herpes, etc. and not just HIV because having one STD is a risk factor for acquiring others and HIV.

    Just know that all human activities involve risk. Educate yourself on the facts for HIV and other STDs. Sex can be hot and relatively safe if you are diligent and consistent in using condoms.
     
  20. mephistopheles

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    Maybe I'm wrong, but i never thought that gay men were in any more danger of getting an STD that a straight man.

    Idk. Either, everyone is right, sex is is most important, but having sex with a lot of people is always dangerous, even with condoms. It's still possible to test STD positive if you have sex with condoms. They're helpful, but ultimately you're always in danger of getting an std if you are a swinger.

    That why i think one love, and sex only with that love.

    If it's true love they wont cheat, but either way, be careful about who you fuck, condom or not.
     
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