How to meet other gay men?

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deleted1025121

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Curious how other single gay guys meet other men for dating or friendships? Especially if you are in your late 30s to 50s? Seems impossible to make friends. I'm trying to put myself in places where other gay men are. I've been going to a gay social happy hour that happens once a month in my city...but that doesn't work. It turns out to be just like a bar where everyone stands in their circle of friends.

Is the only option left to hook up with someone from an app and see if that turns into a friendship? I'm out of ideas here. Or maybe this is just how it is and I've reached the middle-age blues. And even the hookup route is rough for me cause I'm not exactly handsome, hung or have an amazing body.
 
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1189318

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What part of AZ? Phoenix has a dart league, bowling league, kickball league, hundreds of social groups on meetup, social groups listed in the gay publications. Into camping? Bartlett Bash is coming up in a few weeks. Don't see a social group for your favorite hobby? Start one. There are dance classes, yoga classes, look around. Even if its not something in your comfort zone - just give it a try.
 
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deleted1025121

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What part of AZ? Phoenix has a dart league, bowling league, kickball league, hundreds of social groups on meetup, social groups listed in the gay publications. Into camping? Bartlett Bash is coming up in a few weeks. Don't see a social group for your favorite hobby? Start one. There are dance classes, yoga classes, look around. Even if its not something in your comfort zone - just give it a try.
I'm in Tucson. There is pretty much nothing but one gay social club. I've been to two Meet-Up groups that turned out to be far more lesbians. Its not a good city to be in to be single and my age.
 
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1189318

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How about a U of A organization? Maybe start with a gay student union and see if they can refer you. Also, if you're into camping the Bartlett Lake Bash is a ton of fun. I know you'd meet other Tucson guys who come up for it. Check out bartlettlakebash dot com
 
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deleted1025121

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Pretty much all the UofA lgbt associations are for students. I'm way too old for that. I'll just keep looking. Thanks for the recommendation for the lake activity. Camping isn't my thing...but I appreciate it!
 

Brodie888

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Meeting guys at clubs is pretty pointless these days. Most just do the handbag circle that women do.

The gay apps are your best option. Simply for the reason it allows you contact with a large number of people in your proximity in the shortest amount of time.

Will you have to sift through a large basket of deplorables? Yes. But you do that at clubs and events anyway but it's much slower the old way.

Chat to guys online, organize to meet up for a coffee with the ones you like. What comes next is up to you.
 
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deleted1025121

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Meeting guys at clubs is pretty pointless these days. Most just do the handbag circle that women do.

The gay apps are your best option. Simply for the reason it allows you contact with a large number of people in your proximity in the shortest amount of time.

Will you have to sift through a large basket of deplorables? Yes. But you do that at clubs and events anyway but it's much slower the old way.

Chat to guys online, organize to meet up for a coffee with the ones you like. What comes next is up to you.

I'm starting to believe you're are 100% correct about that.
 

tito21

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Curious how other single gay guys meet other men for dating or friendships? Especially if you are in your late 30s to 50s? Seems impossible to make friends. I'm trying to put myself in places where other gay men are. I've been going to a gay social happy hour that happens once a month in my city...but that doesn't work. It turns out to be just like a bar where everyone stands in their circle of friends.

Is the only option left to hook up with someone from an app and see if that turns into a friendship? I'm out of ideas here. Or maybe this is just how it is and I've reached the middle-age blues. And even the hookup route is rough for me cause I'm not exactly handsome, hung or have an amazing body.


I’m in the same boat as you. It’s tough to find other like-minded gay men to mingle with. I can’t stand the gay night club scene because it just doesn’t appeal to me and I don’t want to date anyone that likes to frequent the club scene. I have tried joining outdoor social gatherings like gay hiking groups and brunch and such, but they are mostly for older gay men in their 50s+. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy chatting with them but I’m only looking to date men that are around my age (32), give or take a few years.

@la6nine , I checked your profile and you are quite hung and have a nice body.

Speaking from personal experience and observations. Everything in life is just a matter of luck. Having a larger gay dating pool won’t make it any easier for you to find a nice guy to be with. People are the same wherever they are. It all depends on luck. You could find yourself in a big gay city with hundreds and thousands of gay men to date and if you are unlucky, you’ll end up with a shitty guy that’ll make your life miserable. Or you could be in a small town with a handful of gay men and if you’re lucky, you’ll find a nice guy amongst those few gay men in your area.

My city has a big gay social scene. Yet i’m still single after all these years. I have no problem attracting other gay men. It’s so happen that I only attracted attentions from shallow gay men and they’re not what i’m after. I have a pretty realistic expectation of what I want and I don’t ever settle for 2nd best, at least not when it comes to my happiness. If someone doesn’t think i’m his best choice, then I won’t settle to be his second best. When I was younger, all i wanted was a good looking guy, now, all I wanted is a guy with a good heart and they are much harder to find than good looks.

At this point in my life. I’m very independent and enjoy my own company and doing my own things. I know who I am and what I am. I have realised it’s dangerous if you rely on other people to make you happy because you are only setting up yourself for disappointments. Most people can’t make themselves happy let alone making other people happy.
I’d rather be single and happy than being miserable in a relationship. Hence, I bailed the second I detect any negativity in a guy. If he can’t make himself happy, he isn’t going to make me happy. If I do cross path with a nice guy some day, I’ll cherish him and will never let him go. If not, I won’t lose any sleep or tears over it, I’ll still keep on living doing things that make me happy.

OP, don’t force yourself into doing things you don’t enjoy doing just so you could meet your prince charming. There’s no such thing. Prince charming doesn’t exist, so you gotta be your own prince charming and make yourself happy by doing the things you enjoy doing. You could wear a subtle rainbow bracelet or a ring or a necklace to reveal to other gay men that you’re gay. If a gay guy is interested in you and knows you’re gay, he’ll definitely make a move on you, or you could make the first move.

I have learned that we are at our best when we are happy and relaxed by doing the things we enjoy doing. I enjoy making furnitures so I took up woodworking as hobby recently and enjoy the heck out of it. And I’m planning to take up knitting as well so I can knit my own cashmere socks, gloves and cardigans. It feels great creating things for yourself and your loved ones. I’m living my life chasing my own happiness and not wasting my time chasing after a figure whom i haven’t met believing he’ll make me happy.
 
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deleted1025121

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I’m in the same boat as you. It’s tough to find other like-minded gay men to mingle with. I can’t stand the gay night club scene because it just doesn’t appeal to me and I don’t want to date anyone that likes to frequent the club scene. I have tried joining outdoor social gatherings like gay hiking groups and brunch and such, but they are mostly for older gay men in their 50s+. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy chatting with them but I’m only looking to date men that are around my age (32), give or take a few years.

@la6nine , I checked your profile and you are quite hung and have a nice body.

Speaking from personal experience and observations. Everything in life is just a matter of luck. Having a larger gay dating pool won’t make it any easier for you to find a nice guy to be with. People are the same wherever they are. It all depends on luck. You could find yourself in a big gay city with hundreds and thousands of gay men to date and if you are unlucky, you’ll end up with a shitty guy that’ll make your life miserable. Or you could be in a small town with a handful of gay men and if you’re lucky, you’ll find a nice guy amongst those few gay men in your area.

My city has a big gay social scene. Yet i’m still single after all these years. I have no problem attracting other gay men. It’s so happen that I only attracted attentions from shallow gay men and they’re not what i’m after. I have a pretty realistic expectation of what I want and I don’t ever settle for 2nd best, at least not when it comes to my happiness. If someone doesn’t think i’m his best choice, then I won’t settle to be his second best. When I was younger, all i wanted was a good looking guy, now, all I wanted is a guy with a good heart and they are much harder to find than good looks.

At this point in my life. I’m very independent and enjoy my own company and doing my own things. I know who I am and what I am. I have realised it’s dangerous if you rely on other people to make you happy because you are only setting up yourself for disappointments. Most people can’t make themselves happy let alone making other people happy.
I’d rather be single and happy than being miserable in a relationship. Hence, I bailed the second I detect any negativity in a guy. If he can’t make himself happy, he isn’t going to make me happy. If I do cross path with a nice guy some day, I’ll cherish him and will never let him go. If not, I won’t lose any sleep or tears over it, I’ll still keep on living doing things that make me happy.

OP, don’t force yourself into doing things you don’t enjoy doing just so you could meet your prince charming. There’s no such thing. Prince charming doesn’t exist, so you gotta be your own prince charming and make yourself happy by doing the things you enjoy doing. You could wear a subtle rainbow bracelet or a ring or a necklace to reveal to other gay men that you’re gay. If a gay guy is interested in you and knows you’re gay, he’ll definitely make a move on you, or you could make the first move.

I have learned that we are at our best when we are happy and relaxed by doing the things we enjoy doing. I enjoy making furnitures so I took up woodworking as hobby recently and enjoy the heck out of it. And I’m planning to take up knitting as well so I can knit my own cashmere socks, gloves and cardigans. It feels great creating things for yourself and your loved ones. I’m living my life chasing my own happiness and not wasting my time chasing after a figure whom i haven’t met believing he’ll make me happy.

Its all excellent advice. And its very true...you cant make anything happen. One just has to live their life. You are fortunate because you have youth on your side...and it sounds like options because you live in a city with a big gay social scene. I guess part of my urgency is coming to terms with my age (48) and realizing my window of opportunity is coming to an end. Like you, I left it open to fate in my 20s/30s thinking it would find me. Well, it never did.
 

tito21

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Its all excellent advice. And its very true...you cant make anything happen. One just has to live their life. You are fortunate because you have youth on your side...and it sounds like options because you live in a city with a big gay social scene. I guess part of my urgency is coming to terms with my age (48) and realizing my window of opportunity is coming to an end. Like you, I left it open to fate in my 20s/30s thinking it would find me. Well, it never did.


I understand what you’re feeling and going through. I too had the exact same thoughts and felt that ‘my window of opportunity is coming to an end’ and started losing my looks.


But we have to see the reality for what it is and not some fantasy perpetuated by the society and the media. Love and sex aren’t exclusive to youth. You can still find a partner no matter what your age is. Just look around. A lot of people in their 30s/40s/50s/60s and onward are getting divorced, or their partner cheated on them, or passed away from illness, accidents and natural disasters etc...

This is why it’s important that you need to live a life and be happy with yourself first and foremost. Most people don’t love themselves, so don’t expect them to love you more than their own selves.


I understand that you want to put yourself out there to find the love of your life. If you aren’t in a closet and aren’t afraid to tell people that you’re gay. Like i have suggested earlier, wear a rainbow necklace, bracelet or a ring(not on your ring finger) to let other gay men know that you’re gay. You could even try to be more direct and daring by wearing a t-shirt that says ‘i’m single and i’m open to dating’ in your every day life. Just do the activities that you enjoy doing and makes you happy! If a gay guy is interested in you and know you’re single, he’ll make a move on you for sure, or you could take the risk and make the first move.
 

dichpig

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In my late 30s here and I am really feeling the weight of time passing by. If I were to be honest, there are times I feel paralyzed with anxiety. I was in a very long term relationship that I felt would be the one. Unfortunately things fell apart, and it left me completely devastated. As much as I want to think positive, the reality is I know I probably will not find that same level of intimacy again and it's painful. I think I would have been more okay with getting older if we were still together, but being single and approaching 40 is difficult. It's weird because I was mostly awkward and not the least bit desirable in my 20s, and then I put in a ton of work to improve myself. I went from not being given the time of day, to being considered pretty attractive. Then life threw some curve balls and it took its toll. Even in my late 30s, I can see how interest from guys is waning, and it is hard to deal with for sure.
To have a taste of what it feels like to be desired is addicting, and to lose it is difficult since so much of our value as gay men is wrapped up in our looks.

I'm not sure saying any of this helps, but you aren't alone and a lot of us are equally stressed out about aging and relationships.
 
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deleted1025121

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In my late 30s here and I am really feeling the weight of time passing by. If I were to be honest, there are times I feel paralyzed with anxiety. I was in a very long term relationship that I felt would be the one. Unfortunately things fell apart, and it left me completely devastated. As much as I want to think positive, the reality is I know I probably will not find that same level of intimacy again and it's painful. I think I would have been more okay with getting older if we were still together, but being single and approaching 40 is difficult. It's weird because I was mostly awkward and not the least bit desirable in my 20s, and then I put in a ton of work to improve myself. I went from not being given the time of day, to being considered pretty attractive. Then life threw some curve balls and it took its toll. Even in my late 30s, I can see how interest from guys is waning, and it is hard to deal with for sure.
To have a taste of what it feels like to be desired is addicting, and to lose it is difficult since so much of our value as gay men is wrapped up in our looks.

I'm not sure saying any of this helps, but you aren't alone and a lot of us are equally stressed out about aging and relationships.
I've just kind of given up altogether to tell the truth. At least you were lucky to have at least had it for awhile in your youth. I'm about 10 years older than you and I never even found it once. So I guess you just learn to back burner it and move on with other things i your life.
 

dichpig

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I'm sorry to hear that. There really is no easy answer and all the positive thinking in the world can't change the reality of being a gay man in a looks obsessed culture. Honestly, I can relate completely, and I feel like maybe it isn't in the cards for me either. I guess I was lucky to have had it for a bit, but the thought of going without it for the second half of my life is hard to reconcile.
 

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I don’t know what your confidence level is, how good of a listener you are, hobbies etc., but please don’t ever give up on engaging other people or seeking friends. Sure there are cliques and tight groups, but one day you happen on a receptive person and treasure that friend for life. Team stuff or group stuff often works: gay chorus, bowling, etc. Butcst some point, please muster the confidence to just interject some questions. Such as : how often does this group meet or show interest in someone and ask a question about them. Be willing to put yourself out there.
 
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deleted1025121

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I've met men at the gym in the sauna. It's not that hard to pick up on who is into men. I've gone out with a couple of guys I met at the gym.
Thats never once happened to me. Gym, grocery store, coffee shop, etc. That all seems like a myth to me. Maybe my gaydar is awful. haha
 

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The internet is generally a waste of time, unless you've got model looks and like anal sex - neither of which are applicable to myself.
Being introverted and not into stereotypical gay things, I have no interest in clubs/bars, or the types of guys that go to them, so that rules that out.
When really I got into the nudist scene about 12 years ago, I suddenly found myself building up a circle of friends without even having to try. The narrow-mindedness and stand offish behaviour that exists in the gay world (because you don't have the right look, etc., or you're not a young pretty boy with a shaved body) is a lot less prevalent in the nudist world, and you're accepted for who you are. It's the perfect environment for someone who doesn't fit social norms. I do nude hiking with a group of guys once or twice a month and visit nude beaches a few times a week, so not being able to find others is now a distant memory.
 
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deleted1025121

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The internet is generally a waste of time, unless you've got model looks and like anal sex - neither of which are applicable to myself.
Being introverted and not into stereotypical gay things, I have no interest in clubs/bars, or the types of guys that go to them, so that rules that out.
When really I got into the nudist scene about 12 years ago, I suddenly found myself building up a circle of friends without even having to try. The narrow-mindedness and stand offish behaviour that exists in the gay world (because you don't have the right look, etc., or you're not a young pretty boy with a shaved body) is a lot less prevalent in the nudist world, and you're accepted for who you are. It's the perfect environment for someone who doesn't fit social norms. I do nude hiking with a group of guys once or twice a month and visit nude beaches a few times a week, so not being able to find others is now a distant memory.
I'm far to insecure to be naked around other guys. I would constantly feel "less than" and that I'm being evaluated by my body and penis size first before they even get to know me.
 

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Yah it more or less sucks nowadays. Im in dallas and the gay communiy is really big here but same issues people have mentioned; everyone is so clicky here and no one wants to go out of their circle to meet someone, for friendship or other. What worse is the gay community didnt used to be like this. Uptil maybe 10 years ago you could make friends woth anyone regardless of what they look like or their background. My circle of gay friends has become way small due to friends moving and it is hard to find gay friends to just have fun with. None of the socalled groups; twinks, bears, muscle dudes; are very inviting unless u look like them.
Apps are horrible options unless u just want sex; and even thats a pain to deal with.

Finding a social hobby is probably the best bet to try to meet new people... we are everywhere lol.
Also the gay dive bar in my expierence is the best place to at least meet friendly people.
 
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1373428

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Yah it more or less sucks nowadays. Im in dallas and the gay communiy is really big here but same issues people have mentioned; everyone is so clicky here and no one wants to go out of their circle to meet someone, for friendship or other. What worse is the gay community didnt used to be like this. Uptil maybe 10 years ago you could make friends woth anyone regardless of what they look like or their background. My circle of gay friends has become way small due to friends moving and it is hard to find gay friends to just have fun with. None of the socalled groups; twinks, bears, muscle dudes; are very inviting unless u look like them.
Apps are horrible options unless u just want sex; and even thats a pain to deal with.

Finding a social hobby is probably the best bet to try to meet new people... we are everywhere lol.
Also the gay dive bar in my expierence is the best place to at least meet friendly people.

I'm close to SF....the mega capital....I go there on weekends (sometimes) n enjoy the city....alone,by myself...gay men have their own groups, tight knit, happy, professionals, tech men....most likely snobbish....sorry SF...